Hi! This is my first fanfiction so forgive me if it's boring. It IS a one-shot though I might add other one-shots as days go on. This is also a crack-fic and was encouraged by some incredible people on r/NarutoFanfiction. Enjoy!
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Konohagakure no Sato was known as the strongest of the Great Five Shinobi Villages, with a history of prestigious shinobi and great victories. However, somewhere in an alternate reality, things went downhill, or uphill depending on your perspective, for Konoha after the Kyuubi attack, which coincidentally, is where our story begins
-Council Chambers, Konohagakure, 3 hours after the Kyuubi attack-
Sarutobi Hiruzen was a shinobi far stronger than many of his peers, he was the Third Hokage after all. However, he is also in his 60's. Some may say with age comes wisdom, but this is not the case with Hiruzen. Hiruzen made a bad decision a few years back which resulted in him smoking pot, but that's not important. Yet.
There were shouts ringing through the chambers of the Konoha Council. The village had just been attacked by the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox and the village's Fourth Hokage had sacrificed himself to seal the great demon within his son.
Hiruzen, the Third Hokage, walked into the chambers and with a quick shout of "SILENCE!" all eyes were on him.
Everyone was silent until the Hyuuga Clan head, Hiashi, spoke, "Hokage-sama, is that a baby?"
"Yes," Hiruzen confirmed. "This is the child of Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina. His name is Namikaze Naruto, and he is the Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi."
Pandemonium.
Multiple members of the council started screaming for the boy's head but were once again promptly shut up by Hiruzen. "Everyone, calm down!" Hiruzen yelled with authority. "This boy shall not be slain."
"What will we do with it then?" Someone spoke up.
Now, had Hiruzen not been high off weed, he would have come up with something at least somewhat logical but Hiruzen was higher than anyone could possibly imagine and so, "We will announce everything about him to the village, of course."
Silence.
Everyone knew it was a foolish idea but the way Hiruzen said it left no room for argument, and so it was announced in front of everyone that Namikaze Naruto was the Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi and the son of the Fourth Hokage.
With the information that the boy housed the most dangerous beast in the entire Elemental Nations, the villagers were disgusted. But then again he was the son of their greatest hero, which resulted in the boy being treated with indifference.
-Three Years after the Kyuubi attack-
Hiruzen may have been high eighty percent of the time, but he was still by no means an idiot, so he made sure that Naruto had suitable protection from all threats, internal and external.
Hiruzen had been smoking weed for twelve years now and little did he know the weed was infused with chakra, and so on one fateful night, Hiruzen unlocked a bloodline called Weed Release which he discovered when he turned every plant in his house into marijuana plants. It was then discovered by Hiruzen that weed release was a bastardized wood release that converted any plant life into marijuana. Additionally, if enough chakra was used, it could grow weed.
So being the drug addict he is, Hiruzen called for all citizens of Konoha to gather in the area below the Hokage Tower and prepared to make a huge announcement.
"Shinobi and Civilians of Konoha, I gather you here today to make a special announcement!"
Hiruzen started. "I'm sure you all know about the long history of our village. It was founded by Senju Hashirama, known for his wood release, and went on to earn the title Konohagakure," Hiruzen continued to talk about the village's history. Well, as best as he could while high. Eventually, he got to present times and got on to the actual announcement. "After certain events that happened last night, I unlocked an ability dubbed 'Weed Release' which is the ability to grow weed and convert plant life to weed. As such, I went around and converted every single plant in the area to weed and as of today we are no longer Konohagakure, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, we are the Village Hidden in the Weed, and I am your Weedkage!"
As Hiruzen stepped away from the pedestal he stood on during the announcement the villagers began wondering what the hell happened to the Third Hokage. All of those thoughts were gone though as people realized that every leaf symbol in the village was replaced with a picture of a blunt. Slowly, some people started to take leaves of the marijuana plants scattered around the village, rolled them, and smoked them.
-Iwagakure, a year later-
The Tsuchikage was finally finished preparing Iwa's forces for a full-scale invasion of the recently renamed Weed Village. When he found out that the Third Hokage had gone bat-shit crazy, shortly followed by the rest of that "village of brainless idiots", he immediately knew it was time to raze that village to the ground and make other villages cower at the name of Iwagakure.
So, here he found himself ready to begin an invasion that should be all too easy. After all, how could an entire invasion force lose to a bunch of weed addicts?
-A mile from the Hidden Weed, Three days later-
The entire Hidden Stone invasion force was ready to attack. They just needed to hear the Tsuchikage's order.
"Begin!" was heard by the entire force, it was obviously the signal to attack.
-Hidden Weed, Ten Minutes Later-
The invasion was not going well. Even the element of surprise didn't do much for Iwa.
Apparently, since the majority of the Hidden Weed shinobi had been ingesting chakra laced weed it was much easier for them to gather senjutsu chakra. Therefore, seventy-five percent of the Hidden Weed military could use sage mode, which is very, very bad for any enemy of the Hidden Weed.
The invasion was stopped within an hour, and the Tsuchikage was at the mercy of Hiruzen, who was a perfect weed sage.
"Wait! How about an alliance?" the Tsuchikage, Onoki pleaded.
"What about Iwa converting itself to the Hidden Weeds belief, The Will of Weed? This means that you must essentially become a second Hidden Weed Village." Hiruzen countered.
The Tsuchikage thought about it, then eventually agreed.
As Hiruzen watched the Tsuchikage leave, he thought to himself 'Good, step one to uniting the world under the way of the weed is complete.'
-Hidden Weed, 6 years later-
Much had happened since the failed invasion. The conversion of every single minor village among the most important things that had occurred. Other notable events would be the prevention of a coup d'etat by the Uchiha by offering extra weed, the snakes from the Forest of Death were inducted into the shinobi force, some shinobi started including the word 'high' somewhere in their names, and it was announced that eventually, the next Weedkage would be Namikaze Naruto.
Speaking of Naruto, he was currently standing on the Weedkage Monument smoking a blunt when his sensei, Hightake Kakashi, appeared behind him and began speaking "Naruto, the Weedkage needs you."
"Ok, sensei!" Naruto replied cheerfully and disappeared in a weed shunshin, which consists of a swirl of blunts.
-Weedkage Tower-
"Ah, Naruto. It is time to pass some new laws, and I thought you would like to see how meetings like this go." stated the Weedkage.
"REALLY?! Thanks, Lord Highruzen!" Naruto replied gratefully.
A few minutes later, and three people walked in. There were was a woman named Utatane Koharu, a man named Mitokado Homura, and a man named Shimura Danzo. These three were known as the elders. They also were the only people in the village who didn't smoke weed.
The meeting went on, and two main laws were passed. First, they officially banned any drug that was not created from the fabled weed release. The other law was that if anyone was caught without a blunt on their person, they would face death by secondhand smoke.
Near the end of the meeting, with a pleased smile, Highruzen said "I believe it is time that we finish the plan."
And so began the plan to unite the last villages under one blunt.
-Hospital, Another Year later-
It was finally done. Every single village was part of the Hidden Weed Village. Everyone was happy and there was finally peace across the nations.
This was also the last day of Highruzen's life.
Highruzen drew in one final breath from his blunt and passed away peacefully.
-The Real World…?-
An old man awoke with a start. As the man sat up, it was clear that this man was Sarutobi Hiruzen.
Hiruzen grabbed his pipe, placed weed in it, and lit it.
"What a weird dream," Hiruzen said. "After all, I've been smoking weed my entire life and I've never made a wrong decision." He sighed as he thought about the boy who he constantly lied to. Then Hiruzen had another thought 'Well, maybe I should tell Naruto about his parents and status as Jinchuuriki. Nah, what kind of idiot would do that? It's not like I can do anything about how the villagers treat him.'
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Cut! And that's a wrap. I think I did pretty good for my first fanfic. What did you think about the twist at the end? I thought it was pretty good.
Reviews and advice are always welcome!
Peace
-Spades