Spoilers kinda for 4x12. This popped into my head after last night's episode, and I had to write it. It takes place right before the episode starts.
"I just…I don't know what to do," Maya said, pacing around their apartment as Carina sat at the table, "My team is hurting. They are frustrated and scared and sad and angry and I don't know how to help them. I feel so powerless. I should know how to help."
"Maya, this is not something that has a simple fix," Carina said with a sigh, "What your team is going through, what your country is going through, there is nothing that will just make it better."
"I know," Maya said, still pacing, "I know. And I feel so guilty for not seeing it earlier. For not doing anything to help before it got to this point. For not thinking about what they all go through every day. It makes me feel like I failed as a friend, captain, human."
"There is a lot going on right now that many people have not thought about," Carina said, "And it is not right, but it is reality, and now that you are thinking about it, you can do something about it."
"But what?" Maya said, running her hands over her face, "I don't know how to help them. I don't want to make it worse for them by talking to them if they aren't ready, and I basically showed all of them that I don't believe what they are going through when I didn't believe Dean and the moms of the girls who were kidnapped. I… I know how to fix things, help people. That's what I do. I see a fire and I fix it, but I can't fix this, how to help them."
"Then don't make them talk to you," Carina said, "But let them know you are there, let them have the space they need to deal with what happened."
"But that doesn't feel right either," Maya said, pacing faster, "Just being there silently doesn't feel right. I… I want to do something. I… I think I need to run, just to try to clear my head. Is that ok?"
"Whatever you need to do right now Bambina," Carina nodded, knowing her girlfriend processed things through physical movement, "I will try to think of something too."
"Thanks," Maya said, giving her a small kiss before going into the bedroom, coming out a few minutes later with her running clothes on.
"I am probably going to go for a long one," Maya said, stretching a little, "I just…I need to work through this."
"I know," Carina nodded, going over and giving Maya a hug, "I will be here when you get back."
Maya nodded, putting her headphones in and grabbing her mask before going out the door.
She ran, the feeling of her feet striking the pavement grounding her, keeping her focused. She ran different ideas in her head, of things she could do.
She didn't want to force anything on them, knowing that everyone needed to process this in their own way. She also knew that it was her entire team, not just the black members, who were having a hard time. She wanted to figure out how to give them all something to help.
It reminded her of when they had lost Rigo and Pruitt and Ripley, of how everyone was so sad and frustrated and shaken up, and this honestly didn't seem that different. Sure, none of them had ever met George Floyd or any of the other members of the black community who had been murdered by police for no reason recently, but that was just it.
These people were just living their lives, shopping or driving or even sleeping in their damn beds, and the one thing they all had in common was the color of their skin. It could have been anyone, Vic, Dean, Robert, Ben. It was terrifying and infuriating and something Maya was still struggling to wrap her head around.
She ran faster, letting her feet carry her down familiar paths. She started thinking about how this overwhelmed, angry, scared feeling was something that much of her team lived with every day.
She then, for whatever reason, started thinking about the clouds she used to dream about when she was young, a place that in her mind was peaceful and still and nothing could hurt. She wished she could give that to her team, just for a little while, a place where they didn't have to worry about if they would make it home to their families or if their kids were going to get to grow up.
As she thought about it, she remembered back to telling Dr. Lewis about that, the advice the woman had given her to learn to rest and sleep in this life, how much that had meant to her, how she held onto it when she was struggling, wondering if her black team members would ever truly be able to rest.
It was then that she slowed her pace, an idea dawning on her. She pulled out her phone, noticing that it was currently 8 pm, deciding it wasn't too late to make the call she wanted to.
"Hello," Diane Lewis said, answering the phone.
"Hi Dr. Lewis, it's Captain Bishop from Station 19," Maya said, still a little out of breath from her run.
"Hello Captain, is everything alright?" Diane asked, "You sound out of breath."
"Oh, yeah," Maya said, slowly turning and starting to walk home, "I was just on a run, and I had an idea. So, I know you know what's been going on in the country right now."
"Yeah, I know," Diane said, not sure where the captain was going. "And I'm not sure if you are up for it, but I was wondering if you could come to 19 during our next shift and just… I don't know, be there if my team wants to talk. You usually come when someone dies, and I know this isn't the same thing, but my team is hurting in ways I don't fully understand, and I just want to do something for them."
"You're right," Diane said, "It is a bit unconventional, and not something I have ever done before."
"You don't have to," Maya said as Diane paused, "I was just thinking maybe it would help but…"
"Maya," Diane said, cutting her off, "Just because I've never done it doesn't mean I won't. I actually think it is a good idea. You have a lot of black firefighters at 19, and I have been keeping up with what's happening with you all and PD right now. When did you want me to come?"
"A shift is working a shift and a half starting tomorrow evening," Maya said, "Would you be able to come the following morning and just… I don't know, spend the day in house in case anyone wants to talk. I don't want to force them, because it's not my place, but I just want the option available if they want it."
"I will be there," Diane said, "And I agree, it should be there choice. I am glad you called me."
"I just don't know how to help them," Maya said, "But you have always had a positive impact on my house, and maybe they can talk to you."
"I will see you in a few days Captain," Dr. Lewis said.
"Thank you," Maya said, hanging up the phone.
As soon as she did, waves of doubt and fear ran through her body, wondering if she had just done something to make her team feel even worse. Would they all think she was judging them for how they were feeling by bringing in a therapist? Would they all just avoid talking to Diane and waste her time?
She realized she was home as she started spiraling, going upstairs to their place. Carina was in the kitchen, cooking something for dinner.
"How was the run?" she asked as Maya pulled out her headphones.
"Um…I did something that seemed like a good idea when I did it, but now I think might have been another stupid mistake," Maya said, seeing the panic that filled Carina's eyes, realizing that was a stupid thing to say, "No, no, not like that. I didn't do anything bad. I just… I called the department psychologist and asked her to some to the station during our next shift to just…I don't know be there I guess, in case someone wants to talk. Normally, we only bring her to our stations when someone dies, but this… this just seems like something that they might need to talk about."
"I think it is a good idea, Bambina," Carina nodded, "She probably has experience helping people deal with this kind of trauma. I don't think it was a bad idea."
"I don't know," Maya said, stretching a little, "I just… I feel like nothing I will ever do will be right, will help them."
"And it might not ever be," Carina said, "But the only thing you can do is try, you are trying something. You are bold, and you are trying something. And right or wrong, you are at least trying."
Maya nodded, letting out a shaky breath, "I am going to go grab a shower."
"Ok," Carina nodded, "Dinner will be ready when you are done."
"Thanks," Maya smiled a little, going into the bathroom.
Once she was showered and in some pajamas, she went into the kitchen.
"It smells good," she said, smiling at Carina.
"It's just carbonara," Carina shrugged.
They sat down at the table, Carina starting to tell Maya about the plans she was getting together to go to Italy in three short weeks. Maya listened, trying not to think about it too much. She didn't eat much, the day and the week weighing heavily on her.
"Do you not like dinner?" Carina asked, concerned.
"Just not feeling much like eating," Maya said, shaking her head, "It's all just… a lot."
"I know," Carina said, putting her hands over Maya's, "Is there anything I can do?"
"Can we just go to bed?" Maya asked, rubbing her eyes, "I mean, after I help you clean up the kitchen."
"Of course," Carina nodded, getting up.
They both cleaned the kitchen before going into their room, climbing into bed. Carina held Maya close, both of them just savoring every minute of closeness they were getting before Carina had to go back to Italy.
Carina ended up falling asleep pretty quickly, Maya staying awake, mind racing with everything that had happened in the past few days and weeks.
Eventually, she fell asleep, waking up early the next morning. She went for another run, mind still overactive. She got home, going to shower before Carina got up.
When she got out of the shower, she found her girlfriend in the kitchen, making French Toast.
"God, how am I going to live here without you?" Maya asked, walking up behind her.
"It won't be too long, hopefully," Carina said, smiling as she put a bit of breakfast in Maya's mouth.
"Well, the more I open my eyes, the more I realize that this country has a fucked up government so I'm not holding my breath for it to go smoothly," Maya said, shaking her head as she grabbed some water.
"What time do you work tonight?" Carina asked, bringing the plates along with some fresh fruit to the table.
"I need to be there at 5," Maya said, "Shift officially starts at 8, but I have a lot of paperwork to get through from our incidents last week and that surprise delivery."
"Sorry," Carina said, frowning.
"All you did was save a woman's live," Maya said, shrugging.
They spent the day together, just enjoying being with each other. Maya struggled all day with her choice to call Diane in, feeling like she was just going to make it all worse.
"Maya, you are not going to hurt anyone by having a therapist in the building who is there if they need them," Carina said as Maya was getting ready to leave, still struggling, "At the worst, it will waste Diane's time. At best, people will be able to have productive conversations. If even one member of your team is helped by her being there, it will be worth it."
"Remember what you told me yesterday?" Maya asked, "About being bold?"
"Si," Carina nodded, "Why?"
"Because I am going to need you to remind me of that when I call you tomorrow," Maya said, "To just remind me that I am not hurting my team."
"I can do that," Carina said, "I'll practice right now. You are bold and you're trying. Right or wrong, you tried something. You tried something to help."
"I love you," Maya said, wrapping her arms around Carina's neck.
"I love you too," Carina said, giving her a gently kiss, "Remember that you are trying this because you love them, and you are about them."
Maya nodded, getting one more kiss before walking out the door, trying to make herself believe that deciding to bring in the therapist was going to help someone, even just one person.
What did you think? I hope you liked it.