A/N: I am four episodes in. I know virtually nothing. Every other word of this fic is probably going to break canon. I have no idea what sort of alternate universe this would happen in. But this idea wouldn't leave me alone. So here we are.

If you're here for my Cats the Musical content, I promise I have more of that planned for the near future. If you're not here for my Cats the Musical content but would like to be, it's on this website for your reading pleasure.

Please, no spoilers in the comments. But if you have any idea how to describe this thing in terms of AUs, etc., your input would be much appreciated.

What I do know is that they're on earth after returning from their time on the Enterprise and I wrote the car in this fic to be like a car from today. Just pretend it all makes sense.

"Captain?" Kirk was jolted back to attention from an understimulated stupor by Spock's voice echoing off the tile floor of the DMV lobby. "You will be pleased to know I have passed the preliminary examination qualifying me for the operation of an earth-car."

"You got your license? That's great!" Kirk's face was immediately set aglow by the news - mostly because it meant they could leave now. He hopped up from his chair and saluted his friend with a pat on the shoulder.

"Not a license, Captain, only a permit," Spock corrected. "Though I have been informed that, because of my age being well over this nations' age of majority, I could choose to attempt the examination for a more permanent license, seeing as I have never before held command of an earth-car, it would be most illogical to deem me worthy of such a permanent license, regardless of my failure or success on the exam therefor."

"So...just a permit, then." Kirk chuckled, gathering his things from around the metal folding chair which had been his home for the past hour and a half. "Don't you worry, we'll teach you how to drive. You'll have your license in no time."

"By 'we' will teach me how to drive, may I assume you are referring to yourself?" They headed out then, and the bell above the door clinked dimly as they exited. "While I must admit that I have limited experience with humans manning their earth-cars, from what I learned through my training at Driver's Education, it would be most illogical for your mother to instruct me on the matter."

"Oh, no, my mother will not be teaching you how to drive. That I can assure you." As much as he loved his mother, Kirk had to admit that her best driving days were behind her. Either that, or they hadn't come yet. "Not to jab at either of you, but in all honesty, I'd prefer you not to drive with my mother even in the vehicle for a good while."

"That is a most logical statement, Captain. Admirable."

"Why, thank you." Kirk bowed in mock grandeur as he produced the car keys from his pocket. "So, Mr. Spock, shall we begin?"

"Begin what?" Spock was almost too distracted by Kirk tossing the keys to understand the question. Illogical, that he would risk dropping them and ruining the uniquely patterned device.

"Your training, of course." Kirk tossed the keys over the hood of the car so that they landed in his companion's hands. "I'm almost certain the law says you can drive anywhere with a permit, as long as there's someone with you."

"Indeed it does." Spock carefully examined the keys he'd been handed - fascinating, he thought, that there were only five. On a starship, there were at least a dozen keys needed to operate the entire system. "Chapter One, Section 5.2, states that with a valid Learner's Permit, you are allowed command of an earth-car as long as you are accompanied on the passenger side of the vehicle by a driver at least twenty-one years of age, who has in their possession and name a valid license."

"Something like that," Kirk shrugged. "Get in. Remember to adjust your seat."

That was a function of the earth-car which Spock was familiar with. And as he settled himself in his seat, he recalled from his Driver's Education course how to set the mirrors and steering wheel to appropriate locations. The dials and buttons on the control panel of the car all seemed somewhat familiar - extensive study of the accompanying Driver's Education Manual had well acquainted him with the various capabilities of the earth-car and their mechanisms of operation. He knew that the key went in the ignition, the pedal on the left was for braking, and the pedal on the right was for acceleration.

After that, he knew nothing.

Shameful, though it wasn't really his fault. Driver's Education was far from what Spock had expected it to be. Instead of being an academy-level course as he was accustomed to, it was instead a room full of teenaged humans - by far not the ideal classmates. The course was not a training, but rather a long, drawn-out lecture on the art and danger of driving. No hands-on experience, no opportunities for the development of skill through kinesthetic learning. There was nothing further than what he had been told and what he had read.

"I believe I am supposed to leave this parking station backwards," Spock noted.

"Yep, gotta switch her into reverse," Kirk agreed.

"How...do I do that, Captain?"

Kirk blinked. He had not expected that Spock would find any difficulty in driving a car, as many hours as he had spent studying the manual. "That lever to the right of the steering wheel," he said, "just pull it down a notch."

"I deduce by the 'R' on the panel in front of me that I am now in reverse mode?"

"Yeah, now roll back a bit. Don't touch the gas, just roll." Kirk craned his body into an awkward position to watch out the back window. "I'll watch the back here, just get ready to brake if I tell you."

"The dimensions of this parking station would indicate a high probability that I collide with another earth-car."

"You're not going to hit anything. This parking lot is wider than it looks, trust me." Kirk seemed illogically calm, but that wasn't unlike him. "Now turn to the left. Other left. There you go. Just roll now. Now stop."

One glance out the window revealed that they had only moved about ten feet. Perhaps it was because Spock had spent the past five years on a starship with a maximum speed of 27 times the speed of light, but it seemed like they should have gone much, much further.

"Alright, now switch it back to drive. Move the lever up a click." Kirk returned to a normal, more comfortable position in his seat. "Good. Now just let her roll out of the parking lot."

"And once I make contact with the street?"

"Flick your signal on and turn the wheel. I'll help you with the buttons and such; you just drive for now." Kirk flicked up a lever on the side of the steering wheel and directed Spock to turn right. "But you're going to have to give it some gas eventually."

"You'll inform me as to when, Captain?"

"Yeah, uh, now."

"Right away, Captain."

"Don't stress it; this road isn't too busy. You can go a little…SLOW IF YOU'D LIKE." Suddenly the world began to whiz by. Wind cracked at the rubber seals of the windows, and Kirk momentarily saw his life flash before his eyes as he'd seen nebulae and galaxies whirl by on the Enterprise monitors. "SPOCK THERE'S A SPEED LIMIT!"

"There only limit to velocity is the speed of light itself, Captain. And with modern technologies…"

"NO, SPOCK, IT'S THIRTY MILES AN HOUR! MOTHER OF KLINGONS, BRAKE!"

"Right away, Captain."

The car screeched to a halt almost instantly, throwing both of its passengers forward in their seats. Spock looked up to see, unsurprisingly, that they had arrived in the middle of an unknown road. The surroundings were of no help in identifying location; only grass and a few scattered houses. Iowa, as he'd been told.

Meanwhile, Kirk only noticed that they were both still alive.

"A very illogical reaction, Captain, that you are so upset," Spock commented, observing Kirk's irregular breath and wide eyes. "As you can see, no damage has been done."

"No, no damage."

"You voice quivers. Is the transition from transport in a starship to transport in an earth-car causing you distress, Captain? I'm certain we can devise an alternate mode of transportation, in that case."

"No, Spock." Kirk tried his best to regain composure; excitability around his Vulcan friend would do no good. "It's just that, in space, you can go a lot faster than you can on earth. See the speed gauge in front of you?"

"Yes, Captain."

"That tells you how fast you are going. And on this road, you can only go up to thirty. Not Warp 30. Regular thirty."

"My velocity was too great, Captain?"

"Yes. Precisely." Kirk looked around anxiously to make sure they weren't blocking traffic. "You can get arrested for that. Punished. We both could, since I'm the one teaching you to drive."

"It is by no means my intention to bring harm to you, Captain. In any location, earth or otherwise."

"I know." Kirk readjusted himself in his seat. "Now, continue driving. Just tap the gas. Putter along, if you will. Thirty miles an hour."

Minutes at this speed felt like hours. Traffic was clear, and the asphalt seemed to stretch out in front of them like the great expanse of space. Luckily, the road from the DMV to Kirk's mother's house – where they were staying, for the time being – was fairly straight, with few turns or changes in speed limit. Both driver and passenger were able to relax into the flow of things for what felt like the first time in a while.

This was the closest they'd come to being back on the Enterprise since their arrival home. The seats were less comfortable, there were significantly less buttons to press, and their roles were switched – but it was familiar. Funny, that outer space felt so much closer to home than a house less than ten miles away.

"Captain," Spock interrupted the silence, "at this velocity, it will take us nearly half an hour to arrive at our destination."

"That's alright," Kirk assured him. "Better safe than sorry."

Spock eyed his friend with eyebrows raised. "You are not concerned with arriving in a timely manner?"

"Don't look at me, look at the road," Kirk replied. "And, no, I'm not worried. We don't…have anywhere we have to be."

"You paused?"

"Well, I'm just not used to it yet, I guess." Kirk's lips turned upward into a sentimental smile. "Earth goes by so much slower than I remember."

"Well, the passing of time does change depending on one's location in the universe. It is only logical that adjusting to changes in time progression be difficult."

"I never said it was a bad thing."

"Good things and bad things are merely subjective, Captain. All up for interpretation, with few exceptions," Spock corrected him. "And I do believe one such exception is my command of an earth-car."

"Oh, please, Spock, you've had your permit for less than twenty minutes. Nobody expects you to be a subjectively good driver."

"The expectations of others do not faze me. There is a reason I address you as 'Captain,' and that is because I am not yet ready for the command of my own vehicle." Spock stopped the car again, much smoother this time but still hard enough to jerk their bodies forward. "Instruct me on removing this earth-car from the main roadway. I insist you take control of this vessel immediately, until my training can resume in a more controlled setting."

Kirk chuckled. "You know there's no special academy for learning how to drive, right? This is about as good as its going to get."

"Your mother's neighborhood will suffice as an academy. You will be the instructor, and I the pupil. But class will not be until I, the pupil, have had additional time to ready myself for instruction."

"Very well, then. Hang a right."

"Yes, Captain. Thank you, Captain."