The Boweles of Wrath
Fanfic
Mr Krabs sat in his office, the musty smell of day old patties wafting into his nostrils. It was a slow day at the Krusty Krab, too slow for his liking. He had made the patties extra delicious with grease but that was stopped by the OWS and Spongebob. Patrick was a ravenous beast of course and he worried that his inventory might be eaten into oblivion.
Then mr krabs had an awful idea, an idea so inhumane that it made all his previous schemes look like parlor tricks. He realized three things:
one, his customers ate exclusively Krabby Patties
Two, those patties were loaded with salt, fat and other chemical byproducts
Three, they had to go home to crap. So Eugene put his wicked plan into action.
He picked up the phone and called a new startup named Thomas and Sons quick delivery and ordered a pay toilet. It was installed right outside the restaurant and didn't cost eugene a single cent. He then posted a sign outside that said "One dollar per minute spent". Eugene then told spongebob to load the patties with mira-lax, Chocolate Superlax and Mega Lax stool softener. Spongebob objected and raised key points on the legality of the idea but Eugene simply put on earmuffs and zoned out, while sponegbob turned every shade of blue, talking about the legal ramifications of putting the quivalent of slim fast in the patties until his lungs, fed up with the treatment, literally walked out of his throat, packed their bags and left for the bus stop. This left one working lung, who was a mean little bastard, constantly wheezing and hacking, making every word come out mangled. It turns out, this lung smoked ten packs of seaweed a day and was constantly high. He refused to let Spongebob say another word and the sponge fell on his face, short of breath.
Mr Krabs was beside himself with glee and kept muttering to himself the same sentence
"not a single cent, nothing for me poor register, not yet anyhow"
The customers came in and ordered.
"i'll take a captain's combo"
another ordered a kiddy combo
yet another ordered a 100x100 patty animal style on a grilled bun. Spongebob served the patty and gave Squidward a knowing glance and both of them hauled ass. Said customer ran into the toilet outside and screamed for four hours. The counter went nuts and stopped with the total cost being $9000 for a herculean colon cleanse. The fish dropped dead soon after. Eugene, wanting his cash, angrily followed his soul into Heaven and proceeded to Haggle with God over the bill. The battle of wits lasted ages, saw the rise and fall of nations and only ended with an agreeable outcome when the Krusty Krab faced Foreclosure. The Fish was to pay half his check, his soul was to be tethered on earth as payment and he was not allowed to pass on until the bill was paid in full. The fish, Fred, begged and bartered to no avail and was thrown into the Krusty Krab.
Patrick ordered 10,000 patties and proceeded to give birth to Mount Diablo while Eugene saw his carefully planned scheme go to crap literally. It began to leak and run as Patrick screamed all the more. His eyes shot out of his skull, his brain caught fire and his liver called it quits, hopped out his throat and left for better places. Patrick's entire stomach contents spilled into his anus and he strained with all his might, while shaking and quaking while the restroom kept getting more and more wrecked. Eugene finally decided that Patrick had enough and unlocked the door.
Scholars still aren't sure what happened to Eugene. The remains of the Krusty Krab are still there but Eugene's body has never been found and the crap mountain to which he was covered in has since solidified. Patrick blew apart on contact with the free air and left behind what researchers call El Gigante