Watching Her Sleep
Chapter 1: Natsuki
It's late. I haven't done the night-owl thing in awhile, but there are just some nights when I can't get to sleep.
She's already in bed. It's a warm night, so she's not in the usual heavy nightgown. Instead, tonight she's just wearing a light slip, and only one light blanket. I can see the curve of her hip under the blanket, and a wild mass of tawny hair covers her back.
She never seems to have any trouble falling asleep, my Shizuru.
We haven't been intimate in about a week, but that's what hectic school schedules will do to you. She's got her college classes, and I'm in my second year at Fuuka Academy. Lots to do. But we've managed to carve out a little space on the weekend to dedicate to each other and nothing else.
Making love between the two of us started out a bit awkward. Shizuru wanted to make sure I was comfortable with every step forward that we made, and I'd been so…well, not opposed, but…what's a good word for it? Unsure? I had been unsure of myself.
Not about my choice to be with Shizuru. Once I made that choice, I was certain. But…I spent so long trying to deny I even had hormones while I was trying to find Mom's killers that I had no idea how to respond to them.
And Shizuru, well, after the turmoil that arose from that particular night, she was a bit hesitant to try to make any opening moves of her own. And even though we finally cleared away the misunderstandings about just what had happened that night…It didn't mean she felt any less guilty.
But when we worked around to it, it was an enjoyable experience. But it wasn't the end-all, be-all in our relationship, and thank goodness. Because sex is nice, it's pleasant, but it's no basis for a lasting relationship. And it turned out we had more going for us than that.
And I found that just small acts of physical affection were enough to make me happy. And her, too. Like just holding each other while we slept was sometimes a more rewarding experience.
And then there are nights like this, where she's asleep, and I haven't quite worked my way to it yet. I like to watch Shizuru sleep. It's tranquil. And the way that the soft moonlight illuminates her is one of those things that would inspire great poets to compose sonnets or profound haiku.
She talks in her sleep. I learned that fairly early. It startled me the first time, before I realized that she wasn't conscious. But after that, I learned that it was just another aspect of this affectionate, teasing girl whom I loved. Sometimes it would just be a single word, like "ikezu", said in that teasing tone of hers, and oft accompanied by a heated blush to her cheeks, and that sly smile of hers. Sometimes it would be something profound, like, "Cherry blossoms are more fleeting than a tender kiss."
And then, there are nights like tonight. They're rare, and thank goodness for that, because a night like tonight…it's not something I like to see.
She's got tears streaming down her cheeks. I can see their tracks in the half-light from the bathroom as I get ready for bed. And she's shivering, even though it's not cold, and muttering to herself.
"Kanin-na. Forgive me," she was saying.
This isn't a dream about that night. I've learned that. She had those, early on, but I was able to convince her, finally, that she truly was forgiven. None of us were really ourselves then, and her repentance was so sincere and genuine. Especially for someone who had conflated their own crime to magnify the concept of what they were guilty of.
But this wasn't that. I know, because when it was, she would say my name while asking for forgiveness. She's not doing that, tonight. It's just "kanin-na" over and over again. It's not me she's pleading with, in this dream. It's the people who died at the First District.
I crawled into bed behind her, wrapping my arms around her. I kiss her cheek, and whisper softly to her, "Shizuru, it's alright. The battle is over. I'm here, now. I'm here for you."
After awhile, she calms, and lays in my arms. Her body is warm, her breathing rhythmical. Her lips are parted slightly, and I can see the faintest hint of her teeth.
It's funny. When I was on my own, I kept such strange hours, and I certainly didn't sleep beside anyone, and I slept lightly, in case someone tried to come after me.
But even though I've only been with her for a few months now, I find myself certain of one fact; I wouldn't be able to sleep without the familiar warmth and weight of her right there beside me. She's already become that important to my life, that her absence would be felt, and felt keenly. Her presence in my home is warm and familiar, even after such a short time. And her presence in my bed, which, at one point would have driven me to sheer panic, now is the most relaxing and comforting thing in the world to me. Just knowing she's there makes me feel at ease.
Is that love? I'd have to talk to Mai about that. She's more up to speed on this whole love thing. I spent a lot of time trying to deny even having an interest in love. No, not love. Romance. I had no time for romance. Someone killed Momma, so I had to find them and make them pay. To hell with things like dating and going to the movies or dinners with people. I guess I missed out on a lot of things most people consider normal, huh?
Well, I do love Shizuru. I know that. There's this warm feeling, knowing that she loves me, and I have this desire to do things for her, even things that I'd find troublesome or irritating if it were anyone else asking. But for her…it's fine.
Oh, she's turning over. That's a rarity for her. When it comes to sleep, she's actually very still, save for the rising and falling of her chest as she breathes. Oh, when she's awake in the bed, she's an active little gremlin. Not that I mind that. But once she's out, she's pretty much anchored to one spot. It's actually kind of funny. And there's a smile on her face, so the nightmare has passed. I'm glad for that. I don't like seeing her troubled.
I feel my eyelids growing heavy, and then I hear her voice one more time before consciousness fades, only this time, it's not her sleep talk. It's a singular, conscious thought, voiced aloud in a soft whisper against my ear.
"Natsuki, ookini."
"Sleep well, Shizuru," I yawn, and then I feel her arms envelope me, and I am loved and safe. We both drift off to sleep, Shizuru spooning into me and I feel the softness of her and the warmth, and I drift away on waves of her affection and love.