Mai remembered watching her uncle and aunt's wedding and feeling a horrible sense of distaste for the entire affair. Weddings, a six-year-old child realized, was nothing like the epics that she and Ty Lee would read about in school.
There was no kissing at the alter (that would be shameful, according to her mother), nor were there any dramatic interruptions from the bride's ex-lovers. To make matters worse, weddings in the Fire Nation were a dragged-out affair. Which meant that everyone, including the fidgety and oft-bored Mai, would be forced to sit still for hours while some old fart read aloud the vows.
The most deplorable aspect, however, was not the lack of excitement or length of the service — it was the reception. Mai had never seen such a distasteful event in her entire life. Her mother, who seemed to have the greatest disdain in the world towards weddings in which the husband and wife share a kiss in front of all the guests, had no issue at all with the behavior of the guests at the reception.
Old men were getting outrageously drunk one rice-wine and hitting on the bridesmaids (one even had the indecency to one-sidedly flirt with the bride in front of her new husband), there was a horribly dull, classical piece of music in the background which completely clashed with the nature of the event, and the food was luke-warm by the time that Mai had a chance to eat it.
She decided then and there, while poking around at her half-cooked komodo-chicken, that her wedding would be nothing like the sordid affair her aunt and uncle called their wedding. If she ever were to get married, which she hoped she would, she would make sure everything was perfect.
She wanted a small ceremony with only her immediate family and closest friends, which, at the time, consisted of her mother and father, and then Ty Lee and Azula. Actually, maybe not Azula. After seeing the absolutely disgraceful behavior of drunk old men, she also wanted to implement an age and gender limit: no men between the ages of fifty and seventy allowed.
After seventy, she figured, they'd be more worried about keeping their dentures in their gummy mouths than getting drunk on rice wine.
In addition, she didn't want any person (regardless of gender) under the age of ten to be in attendance. See, Mai was a well-behaved child. But she couldn't say the same for the other kids of her age, who would cry and whine in public. Very annoying behavior — she must admit — and she would have none of that buffoonery at her wedding.
Little did she know, that roughly twenty years later, she would be getting married to the Fire Lord. Marrying the Fire Lord, as it turned out, would result in a horrible long affair that the entire nation wanted to attend. Especially the uppity old men Zuko met with during his council meetings. So much for her small ceremony and age/gender limit.
Even so, she could still have her "perfect wedding." It would definitely be planned for at least a year in advance, the bridesmaids and groomsmen would definitely be on their best behavior, there would surely be no last-minute blunders, and most of all — no outlandish behavior at the reception.
Well, according to some Fire Nation custom — when a member of the Royal Family wished to wed, he or she would have exactly three months from the day of the engagement to the day of the wedding. If the wedding ceremony did not take place less than three months after the engagement day, the Fire Sages would cite it as an inauspicious ceremony and refuse to officiate it.
Okay, so maybe the wedding wouldn't be planned for a year in advance, but three months is still plenty of time. Regardless, the bridesmaids and groomsmen would still be on their best behavior, there would surely be no last-minute blunders, and most of all — no outlandish behavior at the reception.
What Mai didn't take into consideration was that the bridal party would consist of Team Avatar with the addition of Ty Lee and Azula. Expecting that lot to be on their best behavior was like expecting a cat to hop into a pool of water willingly. And expecting there to be no last-minute blunders or outlandish behavior with the aforementioned group serving as the bridal party was even more unrealistic.
Okay, fine, fine. Mai would have to come to terms with the fact that maybe her wedding wouldn't be as perfect as she would've liked. Still, at the end of the day, she was marrying Zuko and she loved him more than she had ever loved anyone else. Therefore, her wedding day was sure to be a happy one so long as it included Zuko saying I do at the altar.
Besides, she figured that the wedding couldn't possibly go that wrong, right?
Right?
(One Week Before the Wedding)
"BUT IT'S INAUSPICIOUS!" wailed a misty-eyed Fire Sage. "As I told you exactly twelve times within the past hour: when the second moon of Mars lines up with the fifty-second moon of Jupiter—"
"It yields viciously bad luck, foretells of unwanted injuries, and is overall totally inauspicious," recited Mai in a bored tone. "Not to mention it indicates that the birth of my third-born child will result in chronic hemorrhoids."
The Fire Sage's lip wobbled in anger. "The date is totally inauspicious, and hemorrhoidal diseases are a serious matter," she hissed in a low undertone, "And if you do not heed the advice of a Fire Sage like myself, you shall invoke the wrath of Agni himself!"
Zuko bit his lip hard to keep from shouting. Beside him, his fiance let out a not-so-discrete sigh of agitation.
"I understand your concern," said Zuko, trying his best to keep his tone even, "And as much as I would like to reschedule the date, the wedding is in exactly one week, and it's far too late to reschedule."
Letting out a whimper, the Fire Sage pointed once more to the star charts that she had laid out in front of the Fire Lord and his soon-to-be Fire Lady.
"B-b-but," she sniffled, "you-you don't understand! The star charts for next week indicate a very inauspicious ceremony!"
Mai's eyes narrowed the slightest amount, a movement almost invisible to the naked eye.
"Fire Sage Nya," said Mai in a controlled voice, "As my fiance stated, our wedding is next week. We met with you before Fire Lord Zuko even proposed to me, just so we could time the wedding so it would fall on the most auspicious date. When we met with you and the other Fire Sages, we were assured that the date we had selected would yield good fortune, foretell a safe delivery for the first-born child of the couple, and was overall totally auspicious. Correct?"
The Fire Sage took on a scandalized expression. "Yes," she muttered reluctantly, "However—"
"And like you have told us repeatedly, you reconsulted with your star charts last night and realized that you were mistaken, correct?"
"Yes," said the Fire Sage, even more reluctantly, "But, Lady Mai, please reconsider—"
"I am sorry," interrupted Mai, "but you cannot expect me or my fiance to postpone our wedding because you were mistaken. For Agni's sake, Fire Sage Nya, we are to be wed in one week! How can you expect us to reschedule our entire wedding when the food is already in the process of being catered, when our friends and family have already made plans to visit Caldera City in a week, or when the entire palace has been working diligently for the past two months to prepare it for our wedding?"
Zuko cleared his throat, snaking a hand to rest on Mai's shoulder, showing his solidarity.
"Your star charts and predictions have been wrong before," said Zuko, "Most notably in the predictions you and your sages once made regarding myself and my sister."
Fire Sage Nya's mouth opened and closed like a fish gasping for air. When she decided that she clearly had no fitting response for the couple, she simply collected her star charts back into her arms with an overly loud sniffle.
"Mark my words, Fire Lord Zuko and Lady Mai," said the Fire Sage, "Your wedding shall be extremely inauspicious, unlucky, and disastrous."
With that, she spun on her heel and exited the room sharply.
Once they were alone, Zuko and Mai turned to each other, exchanged glances for a moment, before letting out a small laugh.
"Honestly," chuckled Zuko, "That woman has had exactly three accurate predictions in her lifetime, and she expects us to rearrange our entire schedule to fit another one of her bogus predictions?"
"Mark my words," imitated Mai, a smile playing at the corners of her lips.
"You will regret this, I tell you, regret!" continued Zuko, who had by now taken on the wavery voice of Fire Sage Nya.
"Seriously, though, you're not postponing our wedding, right?" asked Mai, just to be sure.
Zuko took her hands into his. "I swear to you, Lady Mai of the Fire Nation, daughter of Sir Ukano and Lady Michi and the future Fire Lady of the great and prosperous Fire Nation," said Zuko melodramatically, "We shall be wed by this time next week."
Mai resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the theatrics. "You're ridiculous," she said, highly amused.
Zuko rose from the kneel that he had presumed, waggling his brows suggestively as he did so. "But you love me for it," he stated.
This time, Mai did roll her eyes (but not without a smile to go along with it).
. . .
The next morning, when Mai had shared the story with Ty Lee and Azula, Ty Lee didn't laugh as Azula had.
"I dunno Mai," said Ty Lee doubtfully as she twisted herself into a shape that reminded Mai of an infinity symbol. "The star charts do indicate that next week will be an inauspicious week in general."
Mai looked at her in shock. "You seriously expect me to reschedule my entire wedding? My Mother and Tom-Tom already booked tickets to travel to Caldera City. Not to mention all of Zuko's friends are already here."
Ty Lee frowned as she unfolded herself only to lean forward on her hands. "No, no, no. That's not what I meant. Well, sort of. anyway," said Ty Lee, "I don't know, Mai, I just think that you should give Fire Sage Nya's predictions some more thought. Fire Sages are known for their wisdom, ya know."
Azula gave a derisive snort from where she was seated. "Not this Fire Sage," she said snarkily.
Mai tipped her head into a nod. "Zuko did mention that only three of her predictions were actually accurate."
"Yes, that sounds about right," said Azula, rolling her eyes. "Just to give you an idea, Ty Lee, of how horrible her predictions are — she once predicted that Zuko would surely pass away before the age of eight due to sudden illness. When Zuzu's eighth birthday rolled around, and low and behold, my dear brother had not yet kicked the bucket, she suddenly changed her prediction to one that stated he would live till he was old and gray."
Ty Lee smiled, but she still didn't look convinced. "That could've been a one-time thing..." she argued.
Azula shook her head. "The same woman once predicted that I'd marry the son of some famous war general," continued Azula. The princess then lifted her hand to display the ring on her right hand. "And as you can see, Ty Lee, that prediction couldn't possibly be further from the truth."
Ty Lee giggled as she lifted her own hand, which bore a similar ring to the one Azula had. "Okay, fine," she said, grinning, "Maybe she is completely bogus."
Mai watched in half-amusement, half-annoyance as her two best friends continued to act like a pair of honeymooners. To be fair, they were a pair of honeymooners, not that it made the situation any less annoying.
"You two make me nauseous," groaned Mai after she saw Azula leaning over to give Ty Lee's blushing cheek a quick peck. "Seriously. Stop."
"Oh, shut up," said Azula, rolling her eyes, "After next week, I'll have to once again witness the horror of my dork brother practically eating your face every time he sees you. It'll be just like how it was when you and Zuzu first got together after Ba Sing Se. I'm surprised Ty Lee and I aren't permanently scarred from all the times we walked in on the two of you."
Ty Lee chuckled at the thought. "Azula, to be fair, that was a longgg time ago," she said, "And, well, what can you expect from two hormonal teenagers?"
"And he wasn't eating my face," stated Mai very frankly — as if she couldn't tolerate the notion of anyone thinking she'd put up with a slobbery kisser. "I wouldn't have agreed to marry him otherwise."
Azula tipped her head to the side, apparently considering this. "Fair point," she conceded. "Still doesn't make it any less painful to watch."
"All jokes aside, guys," interrupted Ty Lee, "I do still think you should at least consider the Fire Sage's advice. I know it'll be a really big inconvenience on your part, but it's better to be safe than sorry."
Mai rolled her eyes. "Ty Lee, people say better to be safe than sorry when it comes to stuff like wearing helmets while riding ostrich-horses," she said, frowning, "not when it comes to stuff like rescheduling your entire wedding one week before the date, just because some old woman told you that that birth of your third-born child would result in chronic hemorrhoids."
Azula snorted.
The acrobat shrugged. "You never know," she stated simply. "Stranger things have happened."
Mai had snorted in disbelief. "You're ridiculous," said Mai. "The wedding will be fine — auspicious or not."
Oh, how wrong she was.
To be continued.
A/N: I know that the "Maiko Wedding" fic has been done before, but I wanted to have a go at it. Though - fair warning - if you're here with some wholesome Maiko content, you're in the wrong place. This will be very much a comedy of errors/crackfic. Also, Fire Sage Nya's character was definitely based on Professor Trelawney's character from Harry Potter. As always, any criticism/feedback/suggestion is always welcome.