Newkirk
1.
If I could change one thing about meself? Well, it's obvious, isn't it? I'd get rid of this bleeding stammer. Then maybe people would listen to me instead of making that face.
The face that's halfway between shock and amusement.
The face they make when it starts to hit them that there's something wrong with me.
The face that says, Get me out of here. This is embarrassing. I can't listen to 'im any more.
If you think it's embarrassing, try being me. It's horrible, that's what.
No one hears my words. They just hear the jackhammer noise I make.
2.
But it's not the only thing. If I could do, I'd lose this urge to show off, perform and make everyone laugh.
Better if they laugh with me than at me, right? That's how I always figured it.
But when the show's over and I've put away my cards and magic hat, the laughter rings in my ears.
I know what it is to be ridiculed. I've had that all me life. I can nearly persuade myself that laughter's a good thing. It's a kind of acceptance, right?
T'isn't, though. The joke's on me when I'm alone with that sound.
3.
I talk to Louis the most, and he don't worry like I do. Perhaps it's because he has more experience under his belt. The only things that bother him are the German language and bad food.
Griping about them two things and any slights against La Belle France keeps him quite busy, actually.
But when it's just us, he's philosophical.
"It's not worth it," he says. "Let it go."
He don't think I should get into fights, and I suppose he's earned that right. He's wiped more blood from my nose and chin and mouth than anyone has, except Mavis.
4.
Then there's Kinch. Cor, he's my bleeding hero. He keeps me calm when I want to explode. He grabs me tight until I stop acting like a lunatic.
Most of the English lads are shocked I'm his friend. "You're mates with that darky, are you? Hope it don't rub off."
Blimey, it don't rub off. He's a man like you and me. I don't see what skin color has to do with nothing.
And Mavis would've washed my mouth out if I'd ever called anyone a "darky." We're all the same, she'd say. Kinch might even be a bit better.