8:57 PM

Are you still mad at me? Olivia pressed send and placed her phone down on the coffee table. She sighed and drank from the glass of whiskey she was holding in her hand, draining the liquid that was in the glass.

The phone vibrated against the glass table top. She reached down and retrieved her phone and looked at his reply.

I am not mad at you Liv.

She started to type a response. Yes, you are. She pushed send and left her phone fall to the cushion next to.

Her phone buzzed next to her on the cushion.

Really. I'm not.

"Yeah, right." She scoffs out loud after reading his response. She types out her response. You told me to back off. She presses send.

Without waiting for a response, she types another message. You have no idea how hard it is for me. You're here and I can't talk to you.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

Elliot sighed after reading her response. He began to type out his reply All of this is complicated. I don't want you involved in this Liv. I want you to be safe. I want Noah to be safe.

Liv's response was quick. Maybe I went too far. Maybe I stuck my nose in your business, I saw a lot of the signs in you that I dealt with. That I still deal with every day.

He frowned in confusion and typed his response. What do you mean?

Again, her response came quickly. You really don't know?

Deciding to cut to the chase. He opted to call her instead of replying to her text. He listed to the phone ring. She answered on the second ring.

"Hi" she said softly into the phone

"What are you talking about Liv?" he asked.

He heard her sigh over the line. "Ok, I really thought you may have already discovered on your own or that Fin had filled you in" She said

He rose from where he sat on the couch and started to pace around. "Olivia…." he began

"El can you come over? This could take a while to explain, and there's certain things I'll have to show you." She said in a shaken voice. "If you'd rather not it's fine. If you want me to leave you alone I will. I'm just trying to show you that I know what you're going through. If you don't want to come to me then you can call Fin and he will tell you. I'll tell him it's ok."

"Yes. I can come over. Eli is with Maureen." He replied. The use of her nickname for him did not go unnoticed. He'd never thought he'd hear her say it again.

"Ok, I'll see you soon?" she asked

"I'll be there in half hour." He said. "Liv, when you see me? Just know that it looks a lot worse than it is"

"Elliot what the hell is that supposed to mean?" She asked

"You'll see Liv. I'll be there soon. Bye." He ended the call before she could say anything. His curiosity flooded his thoughts. He quickly grabbed his gun and placed it into the holster that was still attached at his left hip. He slid his jacket on and grabbed his keys.

As he walked out the door to his apartment. He dialed Fin's number. He walked towards the elevator as the phone rang. On the third ring Fin answers.

"Hey Stabler, what's going on?" Fin asks

"Fin, I've honestly have been better but let's save that for another day. I was just talking to Liv; I'm heading over to her place now. She asked me to come over to talk about something that happened to her" Elliot said as he pushed the button for the elevator.

"Oh shit" Fin replied. "Wow, if it's what I think that's a big step for her. She never brings it up."

Elliot sighed as a feeling of unease settled over him. "How bad?" he asked. The Elevator arrived and he stepped on pressing the button for the lobby.

"It was bad. Let her set the pace. Let her control it, and I'll be here if you want to talk about it. I can give you my perspective on the chain of events." Fin replied "Man, make sure you have a drink poured and ready. This shit will give you nightmares."

"Fuck, what the hell happened to her?" He asked. The elevator opened in the lobby and he stepped off and headed through the lobby to the exit.

"Elliot this is her story to tell. It's been sometime but I know she still struggles with it" Fin replied

"I told her to back off the other day." Elliot said. He walked to the corner where his car was parked

Fin barked out a laugh. "Man, that's like telling Mariano Rivera not to throw his cutter"

"I don't want her to become a target." Elliot said

"She told me today you basically told her to leave you alone" Fin replied "Look, I'm not gonna lie Elliot. I'm pushing her to talk to you. I know you're going through a lot, things I can't ever imagine going through. I think you both need each other right now. Lean on each other, help fight the battles you both have going on. Slay some of her demons and let her slay some of yours. I hope you know I also got your back for anything".

"Thank you Fin. That really means a lot to me, more than I can say. I didn't mean for her to leave me alone. I don't want any of this reaching her. I'll never forgive myself if something happened to her or to Noah." He replied with a sigh "I'm gonna go now Fin, Liv is waiting on me, thank you for filling me in"

"No problem Elliot. We should get together soon, have a few drinks" He replied

"Yeah, definitely. Thanks again Fin"

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

Olivia paced back and forth as she waited for Elliot to arrive. She hadn't intended to talk to him about her ordeal with Lewis yet, but maybe it could help him face some of his own problems.

On her dinning room table she placed the bottle of bourbon and two empty glasses next to it. Her macbook sat opened and turned on. Logged in remotely to NYPD and her casefile was retrieved and open. She wanted the actual case file to be here too. She wanted him to know it all. She placed a folder that contained newspaper clippings about Lewis and about her abduction and trial next to the macbook.

A knock at her door interrupted her train of thought. She knew that wasn't Elliot yet. It had to be Kat. She had called at asked her to pull the actual case file of William Lewis and of her abduction.

She walked to the door and opened it. "Hi Kat come on in" she said. "Thank you so much for dropping these files by"

"No problem Cap. I pass right by here on my way home" She said with a smile.

"I really appreciate it, Detective" Olivia said with a smile
|

A smile came over face. "I still am getting used to hearing that" Kat said with a smile

"Well, it's well deserved. You've come so far." Olivia said as she placed her hand on Kat's shoulder.

"I really hate to rush out of here but I have plans" Kat said suddenly looking uncomfortable

"Enjoy the rest of your night, Kat." Oliva responded with a smile "If you don't mind I would prefer we kept this between you and I"

"My lips are sealed. I won't tell anyone. You have a good night, Captain" Kat said as she walked towards the door.

Olivia watched as Kat walked out the door and closed it. She placed the files on the table and stood and looked back at everything spread out in front of her. She felt apprehension, and even fear, although their circumstances were different maybe if she told him of her own experiences with PTSD it would show him she was only trying to help.

She glanced up at the clock on the wall and saw that it was 9:30, Elliot would likely be there soon.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

Elliot walked into the lobby of Olivia's building. He paused at the desk where the buildings concierge and door man sat. Before he could say anything the man sitting there spoke.

"Detective Stabler?"

Elliot nodded.

"Captain Benson is expecting you. She already called down and said to let you go right up. 4B. The elevators are to the left" he said.

He walked towards the elevators. He saw Officer Tamin that worked at SVU with Liv walking towards him.

"Officer Tamin, nice to see you again" he said

"It's Detective now" she said with a grin "How are you doing Detective Stabler? You look like you've seen better days" she said with grimace

"Congratulations, and it looks worse than it really is" he said with a shrug "Looked worse yesterday"

"Are you here to see Captain Benson? I just dropped off the old case files she needs to go over with you. She said something about someone you both put away coming up for parole or something" she said with a shrug

"Yeah" He replied "Thanks for bringing those files over." Clearly Liv had said something to her. "Have a nice night Detective"

He pressed the button to call the elevator, with his mind focused on what this was about. Clearly for her to lie to her detective it was important.

The elevator stopped on the 4th floor. He walked down the hallway and paused in front of her door and took a deep breath before he knocked.

The door swung open and he saw her face. He watched as her eyes met his before they then moved around his face taking in every bruise and cut. She sighed. "Elliot….." she said shaking her head "This is what you meant?"

"Yes, but like I said, it looks worse than it is. Also, I didn't go looking for it, it came looking for me.

She shook her head again. "Ok, we will talk about this again." She said moving aside so he could walk in to her apartment. "Before I lose my nerve we should get started" She gestured to her table.

He looked to the table and back to her face "Wow. Looks intense. Bourbon?" he asks

"It's been a really bad day" she said in response.

"Ok, I can get behind that" he said nodding his head

"So, this popped into my head rather quickly. It may backfire and blow up in my face. You may get mad, but if it helps you in the long run then maybe it's worth it. I haven't done this quite like this before, no matter how many times I've replayed it in my head I never went into with the details all laid out like this" she said

"So, this is something that happened to you?" he asked softly

"I really thought you'd have heard about it" she said "It seems like everyone knows"

"I'm still not sure what you mean Liv" he said "and whatever you tell me or show me will not make me mad at you"

She nodded. "Ok. Well Noah isn't here. He is with Lucy for the weekend. So, he won't hear" She said.

He wasn't sure if she was saying it to him or reassuring herself. "Ok" was all he said. He watched her as she began to pace back and forth. "Liv…." He started

"I need you know Elliot. I didn't realize just how much I need you to know. Leave it to me to want to dump the worst thing that ever happened to me in your lap, while you're going through the worst possible thing that ever happened to you" she said with a bitter laugh.

His eyes narrowed into a squint and he took a step towards her. "Liv…" he said reaching out to her. A feeling of foreboding washed over him.

She held up a hand to him. "There's no way to ease into this. Sit down, pour a drink you'll likely need it" She again gestured to the table "pour me one as well, and please pour generously. There's ice if you need it" She finally looked up and met his gaze. She stared into his blue eyes finding the strength she knew she would need. She just hoped he would be the lifeline to pull her out of the hell she was willingly stepping into.

"Liv you're making me feel really nervous" He said

She looked into his eyes and said "El, I'm feeling nervous too. I handle this in an unhealthy way. I know that I do. Which is why even as I was saying the words to you while we were sitting in my car the other day, my subconscious mind was telling me how much of a hypocrite I was being"

He watched her as she spoke. His eyes never leaving hers. He reached to his hip and removed his holster and his gun placing it on the table. He took off his jacket and placed it on the back of the chair. He sat on the chair and reached for the two glasses. He poured a generous amount in each glass, and held one out to her. He could see her fiddling with something in her left hand. He could see a flash of gold. She reached for the glass with her right hand, her fingers brushing against his. She began to speak.

"I'm not sure how to begin this with you. Do I just let you read all of this and wait for you to ask questions? Or do I just start telling you?" She began to pace back and forth again. "I hope you don't get mad at me for this. I hope that you understand what I'm trying to do because I am going to need you to reel me back in. To stop me from completely falling off the cliff". She took a drink from the glass.

The fear that settled over Elliot made his chest feel tight. "Whatever you need Liv. I'll be here" He said.

Olivia nodded. "I'm sure you noticed. I don't mean it. I know that I have done it. When you held my arm I've flinched and pulled away. It's not because I wanted to. I wasn't trying to be a bitch. You probably thought I was being a bitch. Don't do that, when it get's bad, don't do that, because I will fight. That's a trigger that can send me spiraling."

"Liv, what the hell happened to you?" Elliot asked

She gestured to the table. She reached forward and swiped her hand across the touch pad on her macbook, making the screen light up. "William Lewis" she said

He watched how her body tensed and she shivered. He heard the way her voice pushed the name out. She said it forcefully. "Liv, come over here" he reached out to her. "come sit down next to me"

She shook her head. "I need to start talking Elliot or I will lose my nerve" She locked eyes with him "You think you have an idea of what terror is, but you have no idea what utter terror is. What pure and utter terror is. You know, they say that your heart beats faster, but that's not true. It doesn't. It stops. Everything stops."

She starts to pace again and Elliot can't take his eyes off of her. He felt his heart stop.

"You don't breathe because you're scared that it might upset him, and if you get a cramp in your foot, you tell yourself, "Just let it throb" because you'll live through that pain. And that's a hell of a lot better than what he'll do to you. And the pain is so complete and it's so…." She trails off. Her hands start to tremble, and she stops pacing and puts her back against the wall.

He starts to get up to go to her, but she shakes her head and puts up her hand. She leans there for a second with her eyes closed. She opens them and looks at him again and continues "The pain, when it comes, it's so overwhelming. You can go without food for... for three days and you don't close your eyes because you... because you're scared that you'll never open them again. You pray. You pray "Please, God "don't let him climb on top of me again."

Elliot felt like all the air was sucked out of his body. He was certain his facial expression must've said that.

"Please don't look at me like that yet. There's a lot you have to look though, and this isn't even the worst of it yet" She drank from the glass she now clutched in her hand.

Elliot drank from his own glass. He opened the folder of the case file in front of him. He heard her laugh "I knew you would want the actual file. I knew that's what you would go to first. I'm glad I had Kat bring them" She said

His feeling of worry for her intensified. "Liv come sit over here and explain this to me. Talk me through this" he said "I always worked best when you were sitting next to me, figuring things out with me"

She moved towards the table and pulled out the chair that was closet to him. She reached for the file, and pulled it so it was between them.

He watched her face as she explained who he was. What he had done, his victims. He drained his glass and filled it again, his hand shook as he did. She pushed his file away and pulled her macbook closer and she swiped her hand across the touchpad "there's pictures and witness statements in the digital casefile on here. Newspaper clippings in that folder there" she said pointing to the folder to his left.

He watched her noting that she was looking everywhere but at him. He could still see her fiddling with something in her left hand. "I can't believe you went through all of that" he said softly.

"I would've fuckin killed him. You know that right?" He growled "would've ripped him the fuck apart. I wouldn't have cared."

"I told him that. I told him you would've known what to do." She replied nodding her head. "Just wait. You don't even know the half it. There's more, you're just going to have to…." She could feel her heart start to pound. She squeezed her eyes shut. She didn't know if it was reliving her experiences with Lewis or if it was telling Elliot, but she could already feel herself slipping.

Elliot worriedly watched her. Her hands were clenched in fists. He could see that her breathing was becoming erratic. She started to tremble. He reached out for her hand pausing in mid-air, remembering what she had said a little bit earlier. "Liv, I'm reaching for your hand, I just want you to know" he said softly

With her eyes still closed she reached out, feeling for his hand. He took her hand and he squeezed it. He felt her gripping his hand tightly. "I'm right here with you" He said.

She nodded her head. She opened her eyes again, and her breathing slowed down, but her gaze still avoided his.

He loosened his grasp on her hand assuming she would want him to let go of her hand. She grasped his hand tighter "Please don't let go" she said.

He squeezed her hand tighter. "I won't" he replied. "not until you want me to let go".

He brings their joined hands to rest on the table.

"Ok, I can do this" she said taking a deep breath. "I can do this"

He watched her, concern etched on his features. "do you want to take a break?"

She turned her head and met his eyes. She shook her head. "No, let's just get it over with"

"You know you don't have to be ashamed right? Not with me. You can tell me anything, I'll never think less of you" he said looking into her eyes and squeezing her hand.

She nodded and she began to speak again "From that 4 day period it's so hard to remember what actually happened and what my nightmares filled in. To this day I can't drink vodka, can't even be near a bottle of it, he would force me to drink vodka and take pills vicodin, percocet, dilaudid, sleeping pills" she pointed to the computer "you can look at the notes if you want"

"I don't have to look" he said. He squeezed the hand of hers that he held, and his other hand was clenched in a fist on his knee

She continued on. "At some point you will likely have to look because so much is fuzzy, so much is questionable. Even 8 years later. It was just a constant state of fear. Fear of what would happen if I closed my eyes. Even though I knew he likely wouldn't do anything while I was asleep or knocked out from the pills. He got off on fear of his victims"

Elliot had heard countless victims recite details of their assaults in all his years as a cop. Hearing her tell her story of her abduction and torture was excruciating. A feeling of guilt coursed through him as he thought she decided to tell him this tonight in the hopes of helping him.

"You don't have to tell me anymore" Elliot said softly.

"Yes, I do" She said looking at him. Her brown eyes were filled with tears. "I need to tell you all of it. I started this, may as well finish it".

"Well, I'm not going anywhere. You can do this at your own pace. If you need to take a break, give yourself a few minutes" he replied with a shrug.

"The Vodka was one of the hardest parts of it. I mean he could've had any other liquor and it wouldn't have been as bad. Vodka was my mother's poison, because of that I just always avoided it" She said. She brought her free hand up and pinched the bridge of her nose before covering her face with it. "You know what? I think a break will be good. I'll… I'll be back in a few minutes" she let go of his hand and got up from the chair.

"Ok" he said. "take your time, I'll be right here, I'm not going anywhere." He watched as she walked away from him and into the bathroom.

He reached for the laptop and started to look through the digital case file. He wanted her to go at her own pace, tell him in her own time. He didn't feel right asking her questions, was he even allowed to ask her questions?

He felt angry. Angry at himself he'd left her. If he had still been there it wouldn't have happened. He never would've left her alone after Lewis basically threatened her while being interrogated. Hell, he wouldn't have allowed her to go in on her own.

The pictures took his breath away. He rested his elbows on the table and covered his face with his hands. "fucking bastard is so lucky he's dead" he growled "should go piss on his fucking grave"

He heard the bathroom door open back up and heard her starting to walk back towards him. Her eyes landed on the laptop and she gasped. Squeezed her eyes shut. She leaned back against the wall as the panic attack she'd been fighting since they'd started this overtook her.

The picture displayed on the screen was a crime scene photograph of her old apartment. "Fuck" he cursed as he jumped out of the chair and hurried to her.

"Liv… it's ok, I'm right here with you" He watched as his words didn't even register. She was trembling and he could see her chest heaving. "Liv" he tried again. Still his words didn't seem to register.

He remembered what she said earlier about her arms. He slipped his arm across her shoulders and pulled her into his chest, hugging her.

He could feel her grasping at his shirt, like she was trying to get even closer to him. She pushed her face into his neck. He wrapped his arms around her drawing her closer to him. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

So, should I continue? Anyone interested in being my beta reader? This is my first attempt at a story, have been a longtime fan of the show! And just so everyone is clear! I refuse to live in a world where that "I love you" from Elliot Stabler wasn't directed at Olivia Benson!