AU inspired by TF & TWS 1x02.
Note: English is not my first language. I apologize if there is any mistake.
Dedicated to Natalie Annick Malfoy Granger, who has helped me translate this story into English. Thank you very much, honey. :3
Couple therapy
The door to the psychologist's office opens and Dr. Christina Raynor steps out. She looks at the patients in the waiting room and notices the couple in front of her.
"James, Sam," she says calmly. "Whenever you want."
The doctor shows them where to sit when they enter the office, while she stands behind her desk. She picks up a folder and begins jotting down some things in a notebook that none of the others present know what it is.
She looks at both men, crosses her hands, resting them on the table, and begins to speak:
"Well, do you know what you've come for?"
The two men look at each other and nod. Bucky looks away first and pins it to a specific point on the table. He crosses his arms. Sam clears his throat and does the same.
"Who wants to start first?"
Neither response. The doctor raises her head to get a better look at them.
"Okay, James, why don't you break the ice?"
Bucky snorts and straightens up in his seat. He rubs his hands in his lap and breathes in before he begins:
"Okay. Although I don't know what I have to say."
"How do you feel, for example," Raynor helps him.
"Frustrated." Sam looks at him with a raised eyebrow and squirms in his chair.
"Frustrated," repeats the psychologist. "And what else?"
"And anxious. I guess that's the word."
"And why are you anxious, James?"
Bucky shakes his head, not sure what to say.
"Because we were too fast in our relationship, I'd say," Sam interrupts. Dr. Raynor gives him a disapproving look for that.
"I'd rather he is the one to say it."
"He's right. I think we rushed into getting married so quickly."
"All right, does either one of you want to talk about how it all started?
Bucky looks at Sam, asking if he wants to be the one to tell everything. He is better at these things. Sam nods. For the first time in weeks, they agree on something.
He clears his throat and begins to relate how they met years ago, but that it was not until shortly before Thanos' snap that they began to fool around. At first it was just that, a simple flirtation, but little by little it became more than that and, when they finally wanted to take the next step, they disappeared from the map after the snap. When they returned five years later, they had to suffer many losses that they cried. One of them, that of Steve Rogers, Bucky's best friend. Sam was the Winter Soldier's greatest support during his duel. And, in a fit of sincerity, he confessed his desire of wanting to take another step in their relationship. They did not even notice when they were in front of a councillor, signing the marriage certificate.
"And what do you think is failing?"
Bucky fiddles with his fingers. He glances at his husband and shifts in his seat.
"It all has to do with Captain America's shield."
Raynor frowns, not understanding. She leans back in her chair and crosses her legs. She goes back to her notes and scribbles something on the pad.
"Can you explain this to me?"
"Sam gave it to the government."
"I did it because I think it was the right thing to do."
"But Steve gave it to you, not to them."
Sam takes a long breath.
"And I did it because I don't see myself capable of being faithful to that shield."
"And for that you have to give it to the first one you found?"
"I didn't do such a thing."
"Wait," Raynor interrupts, needing a pause to calm the atmosphere. "Let's talk about each one separately: James, why do you think Sam was wrong to give the shield?"
"Steve was my best friend. He was almost like a brother to me. And he trusted him to succeed him. I don't understand why he accepted it if he had no intention of using it."
Sam wants to reply, but Raynor raises a hand to stop him. She points to Bucky, who is the one who still has the floor. Sam nods, thus apologizing.
"So, from what you are saying, you think Sam betrayed Steve by donating the shield to the Government, right?"
"I suppose so."
"And tell me, James, what would you have done in his place? I mean, if Steve had given you the shield and suddenly one day you realize that you do not know what to do with it, because you find it to be a great responsibility."
Bucky frowns. He knows where she wants to go, but he's not going to give her the pleasure of agreeing with Sam.
"I would have done the impossible to have it in my power. Maybe I would have kept it until I was ready."
"Very well." Raynor writes more in her notebook and looks back at the two men, more specifically Falcon. "It's your turn, Sam."
Sam crosses his legs and rests his hands on his lap. He speaks quietly.
"I know it may seem that I made a mistake, that I betrayed Steve's trust, but precisely he would have advised me to follow my heart and do the right thing."
"And the hell he would have told you that!", Bucky protests, angry.
"James, your turn is over. Now it is Sam's, and we must listen to him just as we have listened to you."
Bucky crosses his arms and grunts.
"It was not an easy decision, nor was it premeditated. I've been thinking about it for weeks, maybe months..."
"Sam, answer me now: did you talk to James at any point about this?"
Bucky shakes his head effusively. He cannot speak, it is not his turn, but he wants to make his position clear.
"I'm afraid the answer is no. I wanted to do it, but I didn't know how he was going to take it."
"And why didn't you ask him? I mean, why didn't you wait for his opinion?"
"I don't know. Deep down I thought he would be more understanding.
"Very good." She goes back, once again, to write in her notebook; she looks at both of them with clasped hands. "This is for both of you: do you be usually honest with each other?"
Bucky looks at his husband and Sam looks back at him too.
"I don't always tell him everything," the Winter Soldier replies. "There are many things that I like to keep for myself."
"And what kind of things are you hiding from him?"
Bucky thinks about it a bit before answering:
"For years, I had to do things that I didn't want to do. And those things still remain in my mind and I want to forget them. But it is not easy, and sometimes I have nightmares."
"Have you thought that, if you told him, maybe those nightmares would stop?"
Bucky shakes his head.
"I don't think that helps."
"Have you at least tried?"
"No." He answers clearness. "Maybe one day I will, I don't rule it out, but now I can't."
"Would you be willing to talk with Sam about this? About your fears and nightmares."
"I don't know. Perhaps. But he's not honest with me either."
"Sam, do you want to talk about it?"
Falcon glances at Bucky sideways.
"I think there is not much that I have hidden from him. I have told him about my family, my fears and my insecurities; about everything. It is possible that I made the mistake of not telling him about what I intended with the shield, but I did not do so on purpose. I just wanted to do it because it was mine."
"Knowing now the opinion of James, the fact that this is a conflict between you two, do you regret what you did with the shield?"
"I still think I did the right thing," he looks askance at Bucky, who watches him shaking his head "but the only thing I regret is not having consulted him. Not taking him into consideration."
"James, do you want to add something else?"
"Yes." He doesn't take his eyes off Sam as he speaks. "I think the worst thing I have in this whole affair knows that the shield fell into the hands of someone who does not deserve to carry it in their hands, and that he had to personally choose who to give it to."
Raynor looks at Sam, intrigued.
"Did you know who they were going to give it to, Sam?"
"No. I wanted them to decide. I'm not the one to do it."
"Yes, you are, Sam." Bucky says. "You are the person Steve chose to be his replacement, but you preferred to quit and do whatever you wanted."
"I see that this matter is not going to be solved now" interrupts the doctor, writing more in the notebook. "But we can do an exercise right now. I just need you both to answer a very simple question: do you want to solve your differences, your conflicts, or are you sure that it cannot be fixed?"
"For me, I do," Sam answers, so quickly that Bucky is surprised.
"Great, how about you, James?"
Bucky is slow to respond and thinks about it a little longer.
"I suppose."
"If you don't agree, you can say it without fear, James."
"I want to try."
"Perfect. Now, what I want is for you to look into each other's eyes and forget for a moment the matter of Captain America's shield." Both men obey. "Hold a hand or both, as you wish." Obey, once more. "And I want you to tell each other everything you like about the other. No negative things, understood? James, you start."
It takes him several seconds to speak, but finally he does:
"I appreciate that you are so loyal, though..." the doctor clears her throat reproachfully, remembering him about what he cannot do "in spite of that mistake" he concludes. "I like that you are always willing to help other people and I understand why Steve chose you."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. I also like that you are understanding with me and do not burden me with anything. You don't even force me to tell you about my past. And I have barely told you anything."
"Sam, your turn."
Falcon nods and clears his throat a bit. He squeezes the hand that is holding Bucky firmly, looks him very seriously in the eyes and begins to speak:
"I like how good of a soldier you are. Despite who trained you for it, I think they did a good job. And I even envy you for being better than me at it. I like that, precisely for all that, you have managed to recover the James Buchanan Barnes that Steve Rogers once knew, and I am very proud of you for that very reason. I like when you say things to my face, be it for better or for worse. I like that, even if you are not a very affectionate person, you know how to make me see that I can always count on you for whatever it is."
Bucky looks at him with surprise. He did not expect those words, and now he does not know what to say.
" Now," Raynor continues, "you must answer this: do you regret having married?"
"No." Sam answers sharply before Bucky's still stunned look. "And I never will. You are a good soldier, a good warrior, a good companion, a good friend. And I do not intend for you to change, because I accept you as you are. I do not care about anything else."
Bucky is still digesting what he just heard from his husband.
"How about you, James? What's your opinion about it?"
He glances briefly at the psychologist and looks back at Sam, who unconsciously strokes his hand with his thumb.
"I guess I don't either."
"Guess?" Raynor asks him.
"I mean, despite being an idiot who has not taken me into account with something as important as the shield, even though I don't like what he did, I don't regret it either. You were my greatest support in my worst moment, and I will never forget that."
"Would you be willing to forgive Sam for his mistake?"
Bucky takes a long breath and looks at the doctor.
"Yes, of course I do. Although I am not going to deny that it will cost me a lot to be able to do it completely."
"Well, if you both want my opinion, you still need to work a lot on this issue. It is clear that you both need a lot of communication, because it is quite detrimental for a good marriage to continue. For our next visit, I want you to tell me about the next exercise that you do at home, or when you are together, I do not care where it is: every time one of you does something well, whatever it is, the other one must let them know. And the recognition should be appreciated."
Both men nod and stand.
"That's all. Our first session has come this far, gentlemen" the psychologist informs them. "I will wait for you here next week. And with the homework done, I hope."
She shakes hands with each one of them and walks with them to the door, where she announces the next patient.
Sam and Bucky walk silently to the car. They have been like this since they left the office without letting go of their clasped hands. As they get into the car, Bucky is thoughtful and looks at Sam doubtfully.
"Is everything you said in there true?"
Sam starts the car and drives home.
"Do you doubt it?"
"You never told me."
"Did you need to hear it to know?"
"Yes, I did. I think Raynor is right: we have very little communication."
"Are you so surprised by what I said about you? I thought you would somehow already know."
"I knew some things, but I had no idea that…" Bucky stops talking suddenly. He dares not say it.
Sam stops the car at a red light.
"What am I proud of you? Yes, I am. And a lot, by the way.
A slight smile appears on Bucky's face.
"Although it will be difficult for me to forgive you about Walker, actually…"
"I'm not proud that it ended up in the hands of that…" He pauses briefly, thinking what he's going to say, "soldier. I didn't think they would give it to someone so arrogant."
"So, you admit that you were wrong?"
Sam responds by rolling his eyes.
"I'm not admitting anything."
Bucky looks at him, remembering the other words he has said about him.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" asks Sam.
"Do you really think I'm not affectionate at all?"
"Are you?"
Bucky shrugs.
"I don't know. I thought you liked it like that."
"And I like it. I don't want you to be a lump of sugar either. That I could not bear."
Bucky laughs.
"Well, if it's any consolation, you're a better kisser."
Now the one who laughs out loud is Sam.
"This looks like a competition" says retaking the road.
"It is not. I just said it, so you don't feel too bad about being a worse soldier than me."
"That I am a worse soldier than you?"
"You said that."
Falcon shakes his head laughing.
"And are you going to scrub it to my face for life?"
Bucky grins widely, nodding, as Sam parks in front of their house.
"But I still think you're a better kisser than me."
"Something good I had to do, right?" He says as they get out of the car.
"Sounds good to me. And I like it."
"Well, in that case," he begins to say, putting the key in the lock, "let me show you that I know how to do much more than kiss well."
"You're going to need a lot more than that for me to forgive you, huh?"
Sam ignores Bucky's last words. Opens the door by pushing it with his ass, grabs his husband's sweater and drags'' him with a mischievous smile on his lips, getting into the house at once.
"That remains to be seen."