It was supposed to be like any other Potion lesson, but Professor Snape could not stop looking at Hermione Granger. He had 'accidently' used his skill, legilimency, on her when she had showed up late for class. A thing that was very unusual for the know-it-all student. Her thoughts had been occupied with dark feelings and suggestions that made even Snape shiver. Throughout the class, he had kept an extra eye on her. Something she had noticed.
I am not good enough - I can't keep up the perfect facade - I should never had attended Hogwarts - I am just a Mudblood who doesn't deserve to live
Hermione was visible recoiling every time she put her eyes on her teacher. She felt as if he could read her mind. The things filling her head with sorrow was something she tried her best not to show.
The bell rang and the students gathered their things, Hermione included. "Miss Granger, stay after class," Snape said in his usual monotone voice. A horrifying look spread across her face. She nodded and sat down again. Once all the students had left the Potion classroom, Snape moved silkily over towards his scared student.
"Anything you want to tell me, Miss Granger?" he asked. She shook her head, "no, Sir."
Severus thought for a moment. He couldn't just tell her that he had been roaming around in her head. "You are never late. What happened?" he asked. Settling for that seemed like the best way to abroach the situation without revealing too much and without behaving like Remus Lupin, being all protective and caring.
"I… I… overslept," she stammered. Of course, Snape knew she was lying, but having no further ideas as to how to get her to open up, he folded.
"Don't do that again, Miss Granger - Dismissed," he said. He turned around and let his robes fly freely in the little gust of wind he made. Hermione stumbled out of the door, flustered.
Throughout the day, Severus Snape could not shake the feeling that the young girl would do something about her thoughts. Severus himself used to have thoughts about ending his life or at least hurt himself physically enough to forget the emotional pain for just a moment. After losing his Lily as children and then again when she was killed had taken its toll on the teacher. He had planned everything down to the second but chose not to go through with it. Instead, he turned spy and worked on a long con to revenge his love.
He worried about the Granger girl. She had similar thoughts and plans floating around in her mind. What worried him the most, was the fact that he had let a student occupy his mind even after class.
Snape decided that it was for the best to inform someone capable of handling the situation, as he was not the one.
After her Potion class with Professor Snape, Hermione went for the girl's bathroom. A little sanctuary where she had no need to hide her desire to follow her thoughts. She slit into an empty stall and sat down. In a secret pocket in her robe, she found her relief. A small razor blade, she rolled up her left sleeve and dug in. The razor gently sliced open her skin, leaving trails of blood. It dripped onto the floor, but she didn't stop. She needed the release. Being under the watchful eye of Professor Snape had caused her a great deal of anxiety.
Blood had dripped onto her school uniform. Just at the sleeves, nothing that was too obvious. Suddenly a few girls entered the bathroom, causing Hermione to jump. She accidently cut really deep. She cursed under her breath and panicked slightly at the amount of blood pouring out from her arm. Without thinking to stop the actual bleeding, she used a spell to bandage her arm. It was still bleeding and within a minute, she had to redo it.
The girls left and Hermione slowly made her way out. She went for her next class, Defence Against the Dark Arts. If Snape had noticed something was off, Professor Lupin would as well. She dreaded having to make excuses again.
She ran from the dungeons to the East Tower. Just as she reached the classroom door, she was met with Professor Snape. He had talked to Remus Lupin and spun around just as she walked in. Terrified, Hermione found an empty seat in the back row. Snape stared at her as he walked by. If she had not been struggling before, she definitely was now.
Lupin gave her a sympathetic look and a small smile. Fortunately, he started the lesson as usual. The class went by unnatural slow. It was painful to sit in class with a bleeding arm. On a normal self-harming day, Hermione would had used a spell to seal the cut, preventing it from bleeding too much. On that day, she had forgotten due to being interrupted. She sighed and looked down at her robes. Faint marks of blood soaking through the sleeve were starting to be noticeable.
"Miss Granger?" Lupin's voice called. Hermione looked up to see him standing in front of her. His eyes were filled with worry, but his body language visible to the other students stayed professional. She looked puzzled at him.
"Can you explain what a Kappa is?" Professor Lupin repeated the question. Hermione scrambled through her mind looking for the answer.
"Japanese water demon that strangles humans who invade their shallow ponds. They feed on human blood," she explained. Satisfied with the answer, but not with her behaviour, Lupin continued the lesson. Hermione avoided looking at the teacher and hit behind a stack of parchment and a few books. She wished for the class to end so she could hide in the bathroom once more.
She felt the effects of her wound. It had stopped bleeding by now, but it had been one of the worst cuts she had made. It stung, but that didn't bother her. She felt exhausted, lightheaded and weak. Signs that she went too far with her moment of relief.
The bell rang once more, and the students slowly simmered out of the classroom, leaving Hermione in her seat.
"Are you coming, Hermione?" asked Ron. Both him and Harry were standing next to her looking puzzled as to why she hadn't gotten up. She wanted to leave as well but had not yet realised that she could. She was lost in thoughts about how to deal with the situation she put herself in. She went over different spells in her head. One could erase the cut entirely and another could numb the pain. She didn't want either, but something had to be done as the was running out of skin to cut.
"Hermione?" Professor Lupin said. He got no response. Slowly he moved the books out of the way so that he could face his student.
"Hermione? Can you hear me?" he asked, getting more worried once he saw the pale expression on her face. She finally realised that he was sitting on a desk in front of her.
"I'm sorry - what?" she said sheepishly. Remus dropped his head and sighed loudly.
"I will have a word with Miss Granger. You can leave," Professor Lupin said to the boys. Reluctantly they left their friend in the hands of their teacher.
"What's the matter? Something is clearly not right at the moment," Remus said.
Hermione played with the edge of her robe, wrinkling it beyond repair. Noticing the blood again, she quickly hit her arm under the table. Internally cursing at herself for making it so obvious.
"Nothing, I haven't slept that well, is all…" she mumbled. Normally she would speak loud and clearly, so Remus was growing increasingly more worried by the mumbling. He moved from the desk in front of her to the desk beside her.
"We can ask Madam Pomfrey for a sleeping potion?" he suggested, talking with in a sweet tone. He worried for all of his students but seeing someone as distraught as her made him hurt on her behalf. Hermione quickly declined the offer. She looked down at her arm under the table. Remus followed her eyes, noticing that she was hiding something.
"How's your arm?" he suddenly asked. Hermione was taken aback by his question. How could he know, she thought. As if he had read her mind he said, "when you moved your arm it looked as if it hurt."
Hermione panicked, gathering her belongings she stood up and went for the door.
"I fell the other day. I have to go. They are waiting for me," she blurted out. Half running, she left the classroom. Remus was left with a heavy feeling weighing him down. He knew she had lied to him. Severus had told him of his suspicions of her feeling a lot more depressed than what she had been showing. Remus having had suicidal thoughts before knew the signs to well. Being a werewolf was never easy, but he never went through with his thoughts as he loved his father too much to leave him behind. Plus, he had Harry to look after, even though he didn't know.
Hermione walked up to Harry and Ron, who had camped outside of the classroom to wait for her. She was about to dismiss the questionable looks on the boys faces but was hit with a wave of dizziness. She tumbled towards the floor.
"Are you alright?" Harry asked worriedly as he caught her arm. Unfortunately, it was her injured arm. Hermione hissed in pain and sat down, leaning against the wall.
"Hermione!" Ron yelled surprised. The sudden commotion outside of the DADA classroom, caught Remus' attention. He walked out to see what was going on only to be met with a half-conscious student on the floor and two panicking boys.
"What's going on?" Remus asked worried. He stepped between the boys and Hermione. He quickly looked her over, suddenly smelling blood. Ron and Harry were explaining what had happened simultaneous, amplifying the terrifying scene.
Lupin waved his hand in front of her face to see if he could get her attention.
"Hermione? You alright?" he asked. His caring side took over as he dismissed the boys to give her some privacy. He hauled her up, supporting most of her weight, and helped her into his chambers. There, the chance of getting interrupted was close to none. He sat her down carefully on a couch in the corner, leaving her for a moment. Hermione had started to come around completely. Realising she was no longer in the corridors, but in an unknown room, made her panic. Her breathing hitched and her body started to shake. She felt awful, only wanting to hide in the bathroom and getting her relief.
"Eat, it'll help," Professor Lupin said, holding a bar of chocolate out for her to take. Hesitantly, she took the chocolate. She opened the pack and took a small bite, almost immediately feeling a bit better. She protectively held her arm close to her chest, still hoping that he didn't notice.
Professor Lupin tapped a kettle, boiling the water in seconds. Soon after he filled up two chipped mugs with tea. He handed one to the depressed girl.
"Drink, it'll help too," he said, encouraging her to drink the tea. She dropped the chocolate and took a sip of the hot tea. Remus took a few sips of his tea as well, eyeing the girl. He wondered what had made her collapse and whether to let her rest in his chambers for a bit or to transport her to the Hospital Wing.
"May I look at your arm?" he asked, much to the surprise of them both. Hermione had somewhat given up on hiding it anymore. She was too exhausted to argue or make excuses. She simply extended her arm towards him. Remus put his mug down on a nearby table. He gently rolled up her sleeve, revealing a nasty deep cut running from her hand to her elbow. Remus gasped, but quickly recovered. He took out his wand, made a small movement and the cut sealed itself shut. He even cleaned her robes so no traces of her self-harm could be seen.
"How long?" he asked, sitting back in his chair. He stared straight into her eyes and she let him. Hermione moved uncomfortable in her seat, "weeks… months…" she unwillingly admitted.
Remus breathed out loudly, running a hand through his messy hair. He asked her why. She looked down at her hands as tears started to run down her cheeks.
"I am not perfect, okay. I cannot handle it all; the pressure of friends, school, fights, magic and Muggles… It's all too much," she explained as she finally let go of her emotions. She cried and cried. At some point Remus had sat down next to her, letting her cry into his old shabby clothes. They sat like that for what felt like hours.
"I'll need to inform Professor McGonagall of this. I can leave out bits and pieces, but seeing as she is your contact teacher, she has to know," Remus informed her with sadness taking over his voice. She didn't say anything, she just stayed where she was.
A few days later in Transfiguration class, Hermione suddenly got overwhelmed with feelings when McGonagall talked about showing the true object. Hermione thought about showing who she really had become and drop the facade, like she had with Professor Lupin. Minerva knew of her destructive behaviour by then. She had not discussed it with her yet as she wanted her to process the day with Remus first.
It all got too much, and the poor girl leaped out of the classroom as if her life depended on it. Professor McGonagall had lost her words and stared at the door the young girl had just ran out of. She stared at Potter and Weasley looking for an explanation, but they looked just as clueless as her.
"Would you mind checking on Miss Grangers, Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley?" She asked them. They both nodded and walked off in the direction they hoped she had gone.
"What's up with Hermione lately?" asked Ron dumbfounded. Harry shrugged, not knowing the answer. Both boys had noticed a behaviour change, but neither knew why. They had asked her about it once but was shut down with an answer of school pressure. They walked up and down every corridor known, checked the common room and every classroom except the DADA room. In there, sat Remus Lupin grading assignments. He looked up when he heard chatter by the door.
"What can I help you with?" he asked calmly. Both boys looked guiltily at him. "It's Hermione, Sir. She ran out of Transfiguration class and Professor McGonagall asked us to find her," Harry explained. Ron looked as if he had swallowed a snail, unable to speak. Professor Lupin took out an old piece of parchment from his desk drawer.
"I believe you remember this one, Harry," he said holding up the Marauder's Map. Harry nodded, remembering that Lupin had confiscated it earlier that year. Remus dropped the map on the table, saying "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
The map revealed blueprints of the castle and every person within it. Quickly Remus caught the name of Hermione Granger in the girl's bathroom on a different floor. "Got her," he said folding the map.
Harry and Ron walked in the heels of Professor Lupin towards the bathroom. "Best if you stay out here boys," Remus said gesturing to it being a lady's room. Remus knocked on the front door asking if anyone was in there, adding the words, "are you decent?"
With no reply, the teacher slowly opened the door. Every stall was empty except one. It was locked. Moaning Myrtle appeared out of nowhere.
"Oh, thank Merlin! She's done something incredible stupid, that girl!" she moaned loudly, adding a scream in the end. Remus' face paled at the thought. He gently knocked on the door, no reply. He knocked again, same result. He then banged on the door with a lot of force, no reply. Anxiously he peaked under the stall door. There he saw a bundle of robes covered in blood on the ground.
"HERMIONE! Open the bloody door!" he yelled. No response. Remus took out his wand and whispered, "alohomora." The door unlocked and Remus flung it open to reveal the unconscious body of his student.
"No…" he mumbled, leaping into the stall to check for a pulse. Hermione had slit her arm again, worse this time. On top of that, there was an empty goblet next to her, which Remus could only imagine had contained a dangerous potion.
He found a weak pulse. "Get Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey - NOW!" he yelled out to the boys. They came running in. Seeing their friends poor state, made them both gasp in utter misbelief. "NOW!" Remus repeated, looking at them with a serious facial expression.
Remus Lupin had used every spell he knew, a 'stop the bleeding' spell, ' bandage' spell and even a 'resurrection' spell to try and wake her up. He had successfully stopped the bleeding, but that was about all he could do.
Within minutes Dumbledore, McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey where in the bathroom. Remus moved out of the way to let Poppy get a look at the young student. Minerva had to look away, holding onto the shoulder of Dumbledore.
"What happened, Remus?" asked Dumbledore, who refused to take his eyes of his promising student. Remus stood over the sink, holding on for dear life. "She's depressed, had evil thoughts. We talked about it a few days ago. I informed Minerva and then this…" he trailed off, looking at himself in the mirror. He was covered in blood and looked as dead as he would after a full moon.
McGonagall held a hand over her mouth as Poppy was transporting Hermione to the Hospital Wing. Remus followed close behind, refusing to leave her alone. She had opened up to him before, she needed someone who would understand. He had to see she was alright.
"She'll be alright, Remus," Dumbledore said before guiding Minerva to his office, where they could talk over the situation in private. Remus never took his eyes of his student, his friend. He wished with all his heart that she would be okay.