Chapter 1 - Well, that's too bad

Chuck woke to feel an arm wrapped around him. It was the first time since he left the hospital that he had been able to feel anything, even someone's touch. He had spent that time trying to bury his feelings in a drug and alcohol haze. He didn't want to face how he felt now his father was gone. Sure, his father hated him, he berated him and reminded him every chance he got that he was a failure. It started the day he was born, the day his mother died. Even with his birth, Chuck brought nothing but misery to everyone around him. His father taught him that feelings were a weakness. Instead of spending any time getting to know him, Chuck was left with a nanny until he was old enough to be alone and a deposit into his offshore bank account for birthdays and anything else his father chose to miss. His company was more important.

That didn't stop him from being Chuck's father though, the only other family he had was his uncle Jack who was only interested in two things, money and using women. Jack hadn't been as successful in business as his father but that didn't stop him from giving dear old Uncle Jack a place in the company. A company he would no doubt run now that his father was no longer alive. Chuck knew his uncle would be more interested in what his father left him over ever being able to be a parental figure for him. It meant he was lost. Before, he saw his family being linked to Lily seen as she was married to his father but that changed the night of the accident, the night he caught Lily being far too friendly with Rufus. It was in that moment that he knew any chance of a family was over for both himself and his father.

Lily had tried to be there for him after but he blamed her. If he hadn't suggested his father come and stop Lily from making a mistake with Rufus then he wouldn't have been in a car accident that led to his death. It was all her fault. He wanted to do what he did best and wanted to humiliate her. He had the document; he had all the ammunition to reveal her darkest secret that would have ousted her from the Upper East Side but her words when he confronted her made him think of one person.

"Charles, I beg you, please don't turn away from the people who love you. They're the only chance any of us has. And your father never learned that. I hope that you do."

It reminded him of the three words, eight letters Blair had finally sad to him earlier in the day. He wished the first time he had heard her say them to him wasn't the day he was burying his father. He wanted to be able to have a different reaction to them. He remembered what else she had said.

"But I am me and you are you. We're Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck. The worse thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had, I will stand by you through anything."

Would she be able to though? He knew she carried him and made sure he had made the funeral to say goodbye to his father. He knew he had hurt her by not being able to say I love you too and left her standing on the corner as he made Arthur drive him away. He wanted to leave but knew he couldn't without seeing her once last time. He didn't want to keep hurting her but he just wanted to know what they had was real. He wanted to know that she didn't say those words to him out of pity because his father died but because she actually meant them.

It's how he had ended up here. She was angry when she first entered her room to find him sat on her bed until she saw his eyes. Her compassion and love for him outweighed her hurt as she sat down beside him, embraced him and soothed him to sleep. It was the first time in days that he had managed to get any sleep without the aid of alcohol or drugs. He couldn't stay, he couldn't bring her into the darkness, she meant too much to him to do that to her. He heard her stir and turned around in her arm so he was facing her. He thought she may wake up but she didn't. She looked so peaceful when she slept. He knew this was his chance, to leave without seeing the pain in her eyes, without her trying to convince him to stay or worse, she would want to come with him like she had earlier.

Before he had a chance to try and leave, she snuggled closer to him and buried her head into his neck. It was too late; he took a deep breath and inhaled her scent. His sense were flooded with an overwhelming feeling. It was no longer the butterflies he felt after the first night they had spent together in his limo, it had grown into much more, she was all he had left. He traced his hand through her silky brown locks in an effort to convince himself that it would be the last time he would get a chance and stroked the soft skin of her cheek. He knew what he felt for her was more than he could ever imagine but knew it was only a matter of time before he would ruin them and wanted to leave before she would see the darkest parts of him.

"I love you too." He whispered the words he had never said to anyone before.

She stirred on his chest.

He panicked. He had only said them as he believed she wouldn't hear them.

She lifted her head and her eyes fluttered open to face his. "Well, that's too bad, Bass." As she sat up he jumped off the bed.

"I thought, I should go." He didn't know how to act, he hadn't meant for her to hear his confession, he just wanted to know if he was capable of voicing what he knew to be true.

She rubbed her eyes in an attempt to make sure she wasn't sleeping and wake herself up to face the scene that was occurring in front of her. "Go where?" She asked.

"I don't know but I shouldn't have come here." He started to straighten himself up and check he had everything.

"You just told me you love me and now you want to leave?" She was expecting to feel elated to finally hear Chuck Bass says those words to her but instead she would rather not have heard them at all.

"I thought you were asleep. I was saying goodbye." He knew exactly what she was thinking. She could see the regret in his eyes and thought he regretted loving her but that wasn't true. He regretting telling her because he knew she would never let him leave. He needed to leave. He couldn't destroy the only person he had left that he loved.

"Goodbye?" Blair didn't know if she felt angry or upset. Where was he going and why did he want to say goodbye to her if he loved her? Why couldn't he just talk to her and let her be there for him?

"You deserve much better, Blair." He had to be honest with her, he had to try and make her see that she was better off without him.

"What are you talking about?" She didn't hide her anger at him.

"You deserve to be happy and I won't be able to do that." Chuck started to turn away from her as he realised, he needed to leave before she convinced him to stay.

"Chuck, stop." She flew up from her bed before he reached the door. She took his hand. "Please, help me understand."

Her touch soothed and scared him at the same time. "I feel lost." He bowed his head. Why was he telling her how he felt? He was supposed to be pushing her away not allowing her to help him.

"Let me help you." She lifted his chin so his eyes met hers and she pleaded with him to let her in.

"But I am nothing. Even he knew that."

She knew what he meant. His father had done nothing over the years but make him feel like he wasn't worthy of being loved. She was starting to understand the internal battle he was currently having. How he could be crumbling over the death of someone who he hated but loved at the same time. He was struggling to come to terms with facing his feelings. "Chuck, you are not nothing." She stroked his face to try and calm him. "You are more than your father ever knew because he didn't take the time to get to know you. It is okay to love him Chuck and be sad over his death."

"Don't tell me what I'm feeling!" He stepped away from her, he needed to be away from her contact and the pain he felt when he was able to feel anything.

"Chuck, please, just tell me how I can help you?" Blair just needed him to stay. She was afraid if she let him out of her sight where he may end up. The state she saw him in today it was clear to her that he had attempted to numb his feelings with drugs and alcohol. It scared her to think if someone wasn't around to look out for him where he may end up. The scene at the funeral told her he wasn't going to allow Lily to try and be there as a parental figure and he had come to her. He sought out her help and support as much as he was now trying to push her away. She knew deep down he had come to her because if anyone could get through to him it would be her.

"I don't know. I just want it to stop." Chuck didn't know how anyone could help him as he didn't even know how to help himself. He had come here because he had decided above all else, he didn't want to be like his father. "I just don't want to be him."

"You are nothing like him." Blair knew more than anyone how complicated Chuck was but if you were lucky enough to see the Chuck that was buried beneath the bad boy façade you would see that he was capable of caring about people. Sure, he didn't always know the best way to show this but there was more to him than the pleasures money brought him.

"But I am alone." The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to stop them.

"Then stay and I promise I will be here for you. I won't let you be alone." She took a step towards him.

"I can't do this." He took a step away from her.

"Can't do what?" She asked.

"Let you be there for me out of pity. Talk. All of it Blair, I just can't do it right now, it would be best for both of us if you just let me leave." He could see the pain in her eyes but he knew he would only cause her more pain by staying. She was light while he was dark. He would destroy her and doing that to her would destroy him too.

"I can't do that." She was exhausted but all she wanted was to share his pain.

"Why?"

"Because you love me." She didn't want to use his words against him, to guilt him into staying but she couldn't just ignore he had finally confessed how he felt. She had to make him realise that he was able to feel something even when he thought he would never be able to.

"Blair." He couldn't. He was so overwhelmed. He had finally faced his fear. He did love her; she had awakened something inside him but what she also awakened was all the other emotions that went alongside being able to love. Grief and pain. Loss. "I can't." He choked on his own words. He no longer knew what hurt more. The loss of his father and knowing he was now an orphan unless someone claimed him or the thought of losing the only female he had ever loved.

She didn't want to push him anymore. She was afraid if she pushed him too far, he would leave and never come back. Then she remembered his words, "we're inevitable, Waldorf.". He was right their bodies always had a connection that they, even at first, didn't quite understand. She needed him to stop thinking, to stop feeling the pain and to just act on impulse. Blair knew it was a crazy idea but communication had never been their strong point. She decided to walk towards him as fast as she could so he couldn't recoil from her. Before he had a chance to move, she threw her arms around his neck and buried her head into his chest.

He tried to resist. He was about to remove her hands that were wrapped around his neck but then his eyes met hers again. There was no pity in them, only desire.

Blair could feel his body start to relax so decided to throw her last chance at stopping him from leaving. She kissed him. At first, she felt him try and resist her but then desire gave in. She felt his body respond to her. He granted her access to his tongue and he let out a small groan when she deepened the kiss.

He was lost but in this moment, he was lost in her. He lifted her up and carried her to her bed never breaking the kiss until he placed her as gently as he could manage. As they came up for air, he pulled his head back even though he was still hovering over her. "Blair." What were they doing? He wanted to check she was sure.

"No more talking." She wanted to get lost in him too.