It's You
A Setup/Countdown Soulmate-AU. One-shot.
Something was wrong. He could tell; he could see by the expression on her face. It wasn't their current case, either. Personal, he suspected. Her father? Perhaps, though she didn't seem that distraught. Her expressions indicated more of an annoyed-worry, so it was probably something else. But what?
Richard Castle considered himself a man highly skilled at observation. He'd acquired his skills during his teens, mostly as a way to create more effective mischief, but as he matured, he homed in his abilities as a way to improve his novels. His skills also helped him participate in the solving of the homicide cases assigned to the NYPD's Twelfth Precinct. In that environment, he continually felt like he needed to be at his sharpest, for the detectives were also trained to be more observant than most, but he liked to think the one area in which he excelled beyond the others was in noticing the subtle changes in his partner, Kate Beckett. She always kept her emotions close to the vest, which never made it easy, but Castle was always up for a challenge.
For nearly three years, Castle had spent more days than not by the side of Detective Beckett. They'd interviewed suspects, poured over bank statements, and watched endless hours of security camera footage together. They laughed, argued, and even shed some tears during one particularly heartbreaking case. Though he received no official paycheck, he considered himself one of her coworkers, and believed she felt similarly. They were friends, too. Oh, and also: he was completely in love with her.
Castle's love for his partner had blossomed over many years. Starting first as lust, as she was one of the most gorgeous women he had ever seen. Adding high-heeled boots and police handcuffs somehow only amplified that attraction. Then, as his initial burst of lust lowered from a full boil to a simmer, he developed an appreciation for her other attributes, like her whip-smart nature, no small amount of badass toughness, and a deeply caring heart that most could only hope to achieve. Simply put: she was extraordinary and though he felt lucky just to be called her partner and friend, the sadness of their predicament weighed heavily on his shoulders more and more each day. Though he wasn't sure if he could say his feelings for her were completely unrequited as there had been more than a few moments that indicated otherwise, he knew for certain their love wasn't meant to be as she had already been assigned a soulmate years before they even met.
When the government had first introduced the notion of soulmates, a large portion of the population had become understandably skeptical. As the program was further developed and explained, however, they had a shocking number of parents signing up their newborns for the DNA-matching portion of the program, mostly fueled by mothers wishing for their newborn son or daughter to find happiness with their prince or princess charming. Castle's mother, the illustrious Martha Rodgers, had said many times over the years that she would have loved to sign her son up for the program—were it not for the fact that he was born three years before its release.
Wherever super-secret, highly technical process the government had created for their "Perfect Match" program could evidently only work if a child was enrolled before one year of age. Thus, many adults around Castle's age were left observing from the sidelines as those just a few years younger than them were matched with the partner who would make them happiest in life. Though he was far from alone (even at present only sixty-five to seventy percent of children born were enrolled in the matching program by the age of one), Castle still felt a bit of a twinge in his chest each time he heard of a matched couple getting married. As someone with two failed marriages himself, part of him longed for that one perfect person, but he also knew just because two people were matched did not guarantee an idyllic relationship.
As someone who generally considered himself a romantic, one would have thought that Castle was a firm believer in the idea of soulmates. And he was...just not when the government was responsible for assigning them. He had read through what little documentation was available on the tech that was used and found it intriguing, though far from infallible. It wasn't only logic that told him this, but experience. He'd known more than a few people over the years who had rushed into marriage with their so-called soulmate only to have the relationship end in a messy, and very unhappy divorce. As he could attest from personal experience: marriages (and all relationships) only worked if there was effort being put in from both sides, not if both parties just sat back and expected everything to be fine.
When it came to the topic of soulmates, Castle and his partner didn't discuss them too often. In fact, for the first year or so of their partnership if the topic came up, it was mentioned just as simply or briefly as her zodiac sign, which she didn't put much stake in. "Yes, I am a Scorpio, and I have a soulmate named Josh."
It took him a few years to pull the full story out of here, but he eventually his persistence intermixed with patience succeeded.
When Kate, the younger of the two, turned eighteen, the identity of the person who was their soulmate match was unlocked for both Kate and her match, Josh Davidson. They were then able to communicate with each other via the website the government set up. At that time, the young and rebellious Kate had insisted that she was not yet interested in spending her life with someone; she wanted to explore and experience on her own. Her match, who was two years older, agreed to those sentiments, and they didn't really keep in touch much over the next decade. On the eve of his thirtieth birthday, Josh reached out to her and asked if she wanted to meet up for drinks-just to talk. Kate had agreed, but as she had been working towards achieving the next higher grade of detective, insisted she was too busy to dedicate time to a relationship. The two of them stayed in casual contact over the next few years, but had not started dating until they coincidentally met up at a party.
Castle later learned this even took place not long after he'd taken off with Gina for the summer, which made him feel both guilty and partially responsible. Of course he wanted Kate to be happy and if she was happy with Josh, the motorcycle-riding doctor, then that was great. But...he also wanted her to be happy with him. He actually thought they would and could be happy together, but it was a fine line to walk. No matter how strong his feelings for her, she did have a soulmate, so he also felt it was unfair for her to barge his way into that part of her life, especially if she seemed happy.
Before Castle could think too much more about why Kate was continually checking her phone and scoffing at it now and then, their case involving the murder of a cab driver took an interesting, and rather perilous turn. Just when they were looking for some clues about who might have put a bullet in the man's head, Kate's radiation detector went off and they'd both been sequestered and quarantined while a highly trained team assessed whether or not they had been exposed to high-levels of radiation.
While trying to distract himself from the horrid and terrifying scenarios swirling around his creative-writing-honed brain, Castle asked his partner, "So...how's Josh?" Though he had no evidence to support it, he strongly suspected her on-edge mood had to do with her boyfriend; the more he'd thought about it, the more he realized it made the most sense.
Kate confirmed his suspicions by huffing out a breath and giving him a look. "He's...fine, I guess. On his way to the airport right now for another Doctors Without Borders mission-Haiti, this time."
"I see," Castle replied. He did not recall her specifically mentioning Doctors Without Borders previously, but it made sense. He recalled a time four months earlier when she'd mentioned Josh being in Central America. He hadn't thought much of it at the time, but a humanitarian mission made more sense than a vacation from how she'd mentioned it.
"It's so funny, Castle, because at first I loved that he was so busy. Even with how we met, it still let me do what I do best: keep one foot out the door."
"But...with one foot out the door, it's hard to know where you stand," he offered softly. Given all he'd learned about his partner over the years, he could not say he was even slightly shocked by her "one foot out the door" stance. Kate was nothing if not cautious when it came to her emotions. Still, that wasn't exactly a good thing in a relationship that had gone on for nearly an entire year.
She twisted her lips to the side then nodded her head slightly. "I just...I don't know. The deeper we get into this thing I can't help but wonder if it's really going to work out. It's not that I don't respect what he does, because I do—one hundred percent. Vaccinating and providing medical care to impoverished children is admirable and incredible."
"What could compete with that?" Castle threw in.
"Right," she said with a breathy laugh. "I'd never ask him to stop, but these missions are so far away and obviously he's gone for longer than just a weekend and...I don't know. It's just getting harder to deal with than I thought it would be and I...I don't know."
Castle pressed his lips together tightly and swallowed, giving himself a moment to formulate a response. From her tone, he strongly suspected her last three words could have easily been continued with "...if i want this." Such a notion made the hopeful corner of his brain whir to life, but he kept it at bay the best he could. After all this moment was not about him, but about her and her happiness.
"Kate, if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that by staying in a relationship you feel you should be in despite feeling unhappy you're doing a disservice to yourself."
Given the way they were sitting on two side by side benches with their knees facing each other, both of them sitting hunched over with forearms braced on thighs, it was easy for her to reach over and placed one of her hands atop his. "I know you do...and you're right. I just...I wish I was in a relationship with someone where I could be there for him and he could be there for me and we could just dive into things together."
Castle's knee-jerk response was to imagine himself jumping up into the air and shouting "Me! That's me!" but by some miracle he managed to keep himself seated and his mouth shut for that moment. He knew—he knew—that the kind of relationship she described was one they could have together. Hell, in so many ways they already had it. True, their relationship wasn't romantic at that point, but being there for each other and supporting each other as friends was something they had been doing for a while. As for diving into things together, they'd certainly did that frequently enough with her cases. While he understood that case work was not strictly what she was referring to, the comfort level they had with each other told him that they'd have no problem navigating any issues life threw their way.
Knowing his partner would be more receptive to a subtler approach that him shouting , "That's me!" into her face, Castle tried to formulate the best possible response. She was technically in a relationship and he respected that even if it seemed as though she was considering ending it. He didn't want to be the cause of someone's breakup; that typically did not end well. He wanted her to do what she felt was best for herself without his outside influence. Well, perhaps he could nudge a little bit, but before he could think of the best possible way to do that, they were interrupted by a man entering their tent and giving them the all-clear.
Stunned at the sudden decrease in the level of concern for their safety, Castle asked, "Are you sure?"
The man nodded. "Only trace evidence remained in the storage unit; your exposure was minimal."
Minimal, but not zero, Castle though; however, he decided not to bring it up, especially when he noticed Kate's serious "case solving" face had returned. When their gaze met, she said, "Let's go figure out what the hell is going on." As he was now quite invested in figuring out just that, he nodded and followed her out of the tent; their personal conversation would have to wait.
"...he looked at me, he grabbed all the wires and just yanked them!"
"All of them!?" Ryan gasped, incredulous.
Still laughing, Castle merely shrugged. "I figured one of them had to be right."
The quintet continued to giggle as Montgomery pointed out that the mayor wanted to honor Castle and Beckett for their bravery, despite the fact that they had no clue what they were doing. For once, Castle didn't bother arguing. When he pulled out all those wires, he truly didn't have a clue what he was doing. In fact, he felt his action had a less than .001% chance of working; however, that bomb was going to blow up either way and a .001% was better than no chance, so he took it.
"You guys don't know how lucky you are," Esposito pointed out.
Castle smiled over at Beckett and said, "Actually, I do." For he had not only saved them, but many others in Manhattan who would have suffered a terrible fate were it not for his actions. For more selfish reasons, Castle knew that he'd actually given them a chance to continue living their lives, continue removing criminals from the streets, and continue seeking out their own happiness.
In the prior twenty-four hours the duo had nearly lost their lives not once, but twice, thanks to getting locked in an industrial freezer by the crew who intended to detonate the bomb. If one close brush with death hadn't been enough of a wakeup call, the second one certainly was. Though he still did not want to be the cause of Kate ending her relationship with Josh, he'd been handed a very important lesson: life was fleeting. He still would have been hesitant to barge into what seemed like a very happy relationship, but Kate had already expressed concerns. Yes, those concerns seemed muted when Josh showed up after they were pulled from the freezer and recovering from their hypothermia, but that didn't mean they were gone. Given how short life could be, Castle felt he needed to take a shot. If she turned him down, that was fine-at least he'd know that he hadn't missed an opportunity.
After FBI Agent Fallon thanked them in his own round-about way, Castle found his opportunity since the two of them were, for the moment, alone in the bullpen.
"Hell of a day," he commented, merely as a way to transition away from the case and to a more personal tone.
"Hell of a day," she echoed.
"You know, I was thinking," he began, his heart thrumming steadily beneath his ribcage. His hands began to feel clammy, and he subtly wiped them against his blazer before sliding them into his pockets. "I know a lot has happened since then, but I was thinking about yesterday when you mentioned having someone who would be able to just dive into things with you and, ah..." His voice began to sound hoarse due to his nerves, which of course made some sweat break out on his brow. He took a moment, swallowed hard and then gazed into her eyes. Her expression, which had been merely curious, was now morphing into one a bit more tentative. Knowing he had just one to two more seconds before she made up some excuse to stop him, he rushed out, "I really think that person could be me."
The confession hung in the air for a beat before movement behind Kate caught Castle's eye. He saw Josh approaching from just a few feet away and shook his head, the moment lost to poor timing. Forcing out a smile he said, "Have, uh, a good night, Kate." then he turned on his heel and walked towards the elevator, not allowing himself to look back and see the greeting Kate gave to her boyfriend. It would hurt far too much.
Hours later, Castle was at home sitting on his couch, his head titled back, and a glass still filled with a small amount of scotch sitting loosely in his hand. He'd sat down half an hour prior after his daughter was in bed and the remnants of dinner had been cleaned up. He had every intention to attempt to process the events of the prior day, and he had—but his focus had been more on his partner than on the dramatic events related to the case.
As he sat there and thought back through their interactions, he concentrated on their time inside the industrial freezer. Due to the fact that they had both passed out and nearly succumb to hypothermia, the memories were certainly fuzzy, but he thought he remembered her saying something just before she passed out. Something about him—about them. He hoped that maybe as he dreamed that night the memory would become clearer, and he'd be able to remember exactly what she said. Then again, maybe it was best he forgot.
Castle couldn't say that he regretted his choice to reveal to Kate he thought that he would be a good romantic partner for her. He had done so knowing that they had nearly died, and he didn't want to miss his chance and he stood by that decision. However, he also acknowledged that his confession could likely be the beginning of the end of their partnership. If Kate didn't feel the same about it and wanted to continue her relationship with Josh, it was probable she would find their working partnership awkward and uncomfortable. In that case, she'd likely ask him to stop shadowing her, perhaps even stop writing his Nikki Heat books. If that happened, he would of course respect her wishes, though it would be heartbreaking. Not so much for his work—that would be disappointing, but he had written different books before her and would write different ones again if the right inspiration struck—but for himself. He knew the heartache would feel like a breakup, but he would get through it by telling himself that as much as it was disappointing, her happiness was all that mattered.
With these thoughts persisting so loudly in his brain, Castle almost didn't hear the knock at his apartment door. Curious as to who would be calling on him at that hour of the night, he put his glass down on the coffee table then crossed into the foyer to open the door. When he saw his partner standing in the hall looking a bit sheepish, his jaw dropped an inch.
"Hi," she said softly.
"H-hi," he echoed.
"I know it's a little late, but can I come in?"
He nodded and stepped aside. "O—Of Course."
"Thanks," she sighed as she brushed past him. He shut the door behind her and then turned to see her standing in the middle of the foyer area wringing her hands together. She was quite for a few moments before she unexpectedly said, "Did you know that thirty-wo percent of soulmate marriages end in divorce within five years?"
Not expecting any sort of statistic to come out of her mouth, let alone that one, he stammered out, "Ah, no—no I didn't."
She nodded and bit down on her bottom lip as she began pacing the area. "Yeah, I looked it up. It's definitely less than the national average, but it's still pretty high."
"Its about a third," he added factually, still surprised that she was throwing out marriage and divorce stats.
"Right."
As functionality in his brain slowly started to return, concern made a few droplets of sweat pop out on his brow. "Did, um, Josh propose to you?"
"What? No—no, no, no," she said quickly, much to his relief. She then stopped her pacing and stood directly in front of him. "I just…I was thinking about this whole soulmate thing and started looking up some facts to kind of confirm what I'd be thinking about."
"And…. what's that?" he asked, his heart rate slowly climbing through he was trying to keep himself from becoming too hopeful.
"That I really don't think its this perfect thing some people make it out to be. It's based on DNA, but DNA can't dictate the entirety of your personality and the parts of you that have been molded by experiences."
Thinking specifically about Kate's mother's murder, which completely changed the trajectory of her life at the age of nineteen, a year after she'd learned that Josh Davidson was her soulmate, Castle said, "No, it can't."
She was silent for ten seconds before saying, "I broke up with him—Josh."
"Really?"
She nodded and began pacing again. "He was going to postpone his Haiti trip, but I told him not to. I said he should just go and do whatever he felt like he needed to do, wherever that was in the world, but that it couldn't include me anymore."
He swallowed hard then asked, "How'd he take that?"
She gave him a wry smile and then shrugged. "Okay...I think he was a little surprised, probably disappointed, but, when it came down to it, I thought about the person I wanted to dive into things with and...you were right: it's you."
Castle immediately felt as though all the breath had been sucked from his lungs. He stared at her, unmoving, not breathing, for several seconds before his diaphragm began to function again and he breathed deeply before sighing out her name, afraid to speak too loudly for fear he might wake up and realize he'd dreamed the whole exchange after falling asleep on the couch.
"Kate…"
She smiled and stepped up beside him, tentatively touching his collar bone with the fingertips of her right hand. After several seconds she laid that palm flat against his shoulder and gazed up at him. "I'm, um, going to need some time."
Finally allowing himself to start to believe, he nodded. "Of course, of course... you can have all the time you need."
"But, I, um, I want to see what this could be. Especially after everything that happened with this last case. I don't want to find myself in another industrial freezer wishing I'd made different choices."
The corner of his lips tugged upward as he pointed out. "To be fair - you should probably aim to never end up in another industrial freezer again."
Laugher escaped her lips and she nodded. "Well, right. Ideally."
Unable to resist the urge, Castle lifted his hands to cradle her jaw as he sighed out her name once more. "Kate." God, he wanted to kiss her. He'd never wanted to kiss anyone more than how much he wanted to kiss her then, in that moment, but he knew it wasn't quite their time yet. She had asked for some time to move past her relationship with Josh and of course he wanted that. He wanted her head to be clear and he heart to be ready when they finally took that next step.
She lifted her hands and closed them over his wrists, brushing her thumbs against the back of his hands saying, "I know...soon."
Smiling down at her, he nodded as his heart fluttered just from the gorgeous smile on her face. "I can't wait."
A/N: thanks for reading