America's position as #1 was carefully maintained. Each moment was planned out perfectly, or so America would have liked to believe. But the reality was that China just happened to be absent today, which meant that it was time for America to propose his plan to the other nations.

America fidgeted with the old projector, cheering as his Google Slides presentation came up.

"Okay, so my plan is called 'Strictly Platonic World Domination'," America said. The projector suddenly gave in. "Damn thing," America muttered. They all sat in silence in the American world meeting hall as America muttered about being embarrassed that 'all the other nations' had a more technologically advanced world meeting hall while the American hall was literally the attic of a motel in the middle of nowhere, an attic that was always too cold or too hot. Only England and Germany had a meeting hall that was any better, but nobody corrected America's deprecation.

America hit the projector a couple times. It sputtered back to life, presenting the title of the presentation: 100% STRICTLY PLATONIC PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION

England raised his hand. "America, why did you say it was platonic?"

"Platonic means non-sexual, doesn't it?"

"Well, yes."

"So my title is correct, then. I have no intent to make this sexual." America cleared his throat. "Anyway," he said, still half-heartedly circling '100% STRICTLY PLATONIC' with his laser-pointer.

America pressed the space bar of his MacBook for the arrival of two points:

- Absolutely no questions whatsoever (just trust me)

- Includes Russia (but lowkey fuck you though, you really freak me out given how weak you are).

But after reading the two points, America continued on a bit of a tangent for the latter: "Anyway, who tries to maintain power over Europe? It's Europe, not like there's anything important over there that I've not already got. Also, why are y'all all scared of Russia?" He addressed the other European nations now, purposefully leaving out England. "Like, you're scared but won't team up, which is hella weird since you're already like, a union or whatever. Weird and gross power dynamic there, that's why I had to explicitly say my plan for World Domination isn't sexual. Anyway..."

America went to the next slide, which read as follows:

100% STRICTLY PLATONIC

- except for when it does get sexual, but I'm not going to talk about that too much today

- Sex is degeneracy (unless you don't think it should be ;))

He didn't comment on it, just allowed them to read it and then moved on.

The next slide was simply titled, WORLD DOMINATION. It had two bullet points:

⁃not actually like world domination, just like kind of world domination

⁃nothing changes cause of global hegemony or whatever, idk but it IS influential to our chances of survival (I read it in a book once)

Again, he just allowed them to read it and moved on.

America was very excited for the next slide. "Anyway, aside from the survival of the human race, here are a shit ton of other reasons you should follow my plan."

America took a deep breath and then said, "The main reason is 'cause I'm hella good at math. I mean, I'm hella good at the other sciences too, but math is the best science and the other ones are really dumb compared to math. Anyway, since I'm good at science, I am good at technological advancement, which brings me to my next point."

America switched to a new slide, which was just a picture of a nuclear bomb. "I'd like to remind all of you that I'm getting, like, hella close to being able to shoot down ICBMs now. Rest assured that I'll be the first nation to develop a faultless system against nuclear weapons, or like a 99.3% success rate or whatever. And when that happens, mutual assured destruction is over. And then you'll wish you hadn't taken for granted my 98.93% in high school math that I told you about the other day, England. I mean, seriously, very few people were fucking literate in the 1700s, England, and of course I'd need to pursue an education repeatedly instead of sitting on my ass reading fictional books and drinking tea for hundreds of years. And you'll only realize you should have been more proud of me when you're begging for my mercy one day, England. Why isn't anyone ever proud of me when I'm trying my fucking best?"

America cleared his throat and hit the space bar, which brought up a new bullet point: I always try my best.

America's next slide was a continuation of the previous, with the following points:

- I mean seriously it's either me or China, and wouldn't you rather have me than China?

America added onto this point by saying, "I mean, at this point a lot of y'all rely on me to protect you and stuff. Like, you can't turn to China for that. And speaking of reliance on me," America continued, hitting the space bar again, "China's like, way behind in the military. Then again, so is everyone else, but still. I have the greatest military in the world, and again, mutual assured destruction will be taking its dying breaths basically any day now, probably. So anyway, you know, I'm really the only one you can trust to defend you, military-wise, and only sometimes. But that's better than what you'd get with China. Pax Americana or whatever, I don't know, I focused way too hard on science rather than history."

America's last few bullet points read as follows:

- I'm really chill compared to China

- I'll totally colonize Mars ASAP with whoever wants to colonize Mars with me (but I won't elaborate on this further because this is where it gets sexual)

- Has China ever told you he loves you? Probably not, idk

- love you

"Any questions?"

England raised his hand, again, but America cut him off.

"Okay, sorry England. My last point is really important, though, and I totally forgot. Um, I had to say, these are the flirtations of a broken man. I am desperate. Anyway, go ahead."

England nodded at that. "I know you said you wouldn't elaborate, but I need you to elaborate on the whole Mars colonization thing. How is that sexual in any way? I mean, I didn't have sexual relations with anyone during the period of colonization."

"Yeah, I figured that much." America responded. "And you still managed to straight up fuck up everybody's goddamn time. Impressive. Anyway, um, I'm not going to talk about that until it's necessary. It's not like you're all-powerful or anything, so I don't need to give you any answers— but you'll see what I mean eventually. Don't worry about it for now. Are there any other questions?"

Surprisingly, none of the other nations had any other questions. So America continued, as enthusiastically as possible, "So y'all will totally endorse me and stand with me as #1, right? You may not matter much on your own, but you at least matter this much. So you may as well stand with what is right, which is me, 'cause I'm always right. Besides, nothing has to really change here, and change is scary! Therefore, China becoming #1 is scary!"

"Um, yeah," England mumbled. "Yes," he repeated, a bit louder. "That was a very interesting presentation, America. What compelling information."

The other nations looked away, as though embarrassed somehow. America didn't realize why exactly this was until he made eye contact with China, who was standing in the doorway.

China walked in and took his seat next to America. "I've been here the whole time," China told him. "I was five minutes late."

"Yeah, I knew that."

"No, you didn't."

"Whatever."

A/N: I am very proud of this, though most of it is (intentionally) inaccurate/overstated. My parents would totally be proud of me if politics hadn't ruined my relationship with my entire family, permanently and unforgivingly.

Anyway, a review would be lit. Have a good day and stay safe.