Warnings: no beta, OOCness, English is not my first language, inconsistent tenses, i am very bad at prepositions, some curse words

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.

A/N: i am so nervous with this one because i haven't written yullen in a long time, but i missed the boys so i wanted to write them

Kanda's eyes were closed and his head was tilted upwards, the morning sunlight streaming down his face. He leaned back, his palms planted on ground for support. His feet were gently kicking under the lake water, creating tiny ripples across the surface. Lotus flowers filled the whole lake, some in full bloom, some still budding. He concluded that he must be dreaming, because how else would he have gotten in this place? He was alone and there was nothing to be heard except the birds singing, the insects cricketing, and the splish splash that his feet made.

He opened his eyes when he suddenly felt a presence beside him.

He glanced to his left and saw a boy half his age, his feet submerged in the lake. There were numerous lotus seed pods around him, and he peeled a seed and offered it to Kanda. He took the seed and popped it into his mouth without hesitation.

"Hey, Yuu," the boy said, giving Kanda a wide grin. It had been a long, long time, and he had almost forgotten what his voice sounded like.

He looked just as Kanda remembered—short hair, some strands framing his face, shining eyes, and a scar across the bridge of his nose. It was the exact opposite of Kanda's last memory of him, of the reds and oranges of undulating flames illuminating the boy's face contorted in anger, desperation, and betrayal.

"Alma," Kanda said, offering the boy a small smile. Kanda rarely smiled, but seeing Alma again, even if just in a dream, was a very welcome gift. He had no picture of him, and his face was beginning to fade from his memories, so he stared at his friend and drank in the sight of him.

For five years since the conflagration claimed Alma's life, most of Kanda's sleep was disturbed by reoccurring nightmares of seeing his friend die. He questioned why was he still alive, why didn't he jump back into the flames just like Alma had asked him, why did he want to live when the world they were born into didn't want them. For five years, he was wracked with grief and anger, until he met someone who not only helped him process his grief, but also taught him how to love again.

Alma handed him another peeled lotus seed. Kanda ate it, and noted that it was sweeter than the last one.

"I was selfish," Alma said, peeling yet another seed. He put it in a pile of the other unpeeled seeds. "The world hated us and it was just the two of us together. I thought you belonged to me, and when you struggled to get out of the fire when I didn't want, I felt betrayed."

"I did," Kanda said, staring into the distance. "I did belong to you. But not anymore."

There was a sigh, and then he felt Alma's head rest on his shoulder.

"I can see that you're happy now," Alma said.

"I am," Kanda replied without a beat. He was unhappy for a long time. Even when he was with Alma, there was still that pervading sense of misery and loneliness. He truly and deeply loved Alma, but in the present, with Kanda's heart belonging to someone else, there was no misery or loneliness. He felt light and unburdened. He no longer saw the whole world as an enemy, but rather, as a place where he and his beloved could spend their days in bliss.

"I'm sorry, Yuu," Alma whispered. "I wanted you to remain mine forever, even if it meant suffering together. I now realise that that wasn't love."

"It was love. Maybe it got twisted at the end, but it was still love."

Alma lifted his head. Kanda felt his friend—his first love—staring at him, so he stared back.

"Does he make you happy?"

Kanda nodded. "Very."

Alma chuckled. He ate a lotus seed and gave another one to Kanda. "You should tell him that."

Kanda snorted. "No way. I'll never hear the end of it."

Alma shook his head and laughed fondly. "Some things never change. You always were sparse with your affections." He started peeling more seeds. "How long have you two been together now?"

"Ten years next month."

"Ten years, huh….That's more than the time that we've known each other."

Kanda looked at Alma and did some mental maths. He had never realised it, but now that he thought about it…

"We didn't get our happy ending, not in this life, but…I'm very happy for you." There was a soft and genuine smile on Alma's lips. "I'm happy for you two."

Kanda mirrored the smile. "Thank you, Alma."

Alma's smile felt like shackles being unbound—like freedom and closure. It was the key that unlocked the manacles binding him to misery. All the pain and sorrow Kanda had carried since Alma died were slowly dissipating.

"Have a good life, Yuu," said Alma before placing a chaste kiss on Kanda's cheek. "Look at this lake. We used to spend so much time playing among the lotuses."

Kanda looked at the lake, at the multitudes of lotus flowers, remembering all those days and nights spent under the sky swimming in the lake and stealing lotus seed pods.

He glanced back to his hide, but there were only the empty air and lotus seed pods. He looked heavenwards, thinking if his dear friend was as happy as he was.

For some reason, Allen woke up early. He looked at the alarm clock on his bedside table, and it said 04:24 A.M. It was way too early, he thought, and he resolved to back to sleep until he saw the expression the sleeping man beside him wore.

Kanda was smiling. Not a smirk or a malicious grin, but rather, a genuine smile. His features were relaxed and his posture carried no tension. Allen brushed the hair away from Kanda's face, thinking about what kind of dream his partner must be having for him to smile like that. Allen could count on one hand the number of times he had seen Kanda smile, and he had known Kanda for eleven years. He thought that maybe, just maybe, Kanda was dreaming of Allen. Was that such a weird thought? They have been dating for almost ten years. But knowing Kanda, he must have been dreaming about being surrounded by bowls upon bowls of soba—

…you, Alma.

It was barely audible, but Allen knew what he heard.

What else could it be but I love you, Alma?

His hands, hovering over Kanda's face, froze, and he suddenly sat up straight, dread coursing through his body. He let his arm fall limply to his sides. He was sitting on the bed and he didn't know what to do or what to think. Here was the man who always frowned, but when he smiled, the sunrise paled in comparison. Here was the man who would say all sorts of mean things to him, yet behind each heated word was heated affection. Here was the man who didn't need words to say how he felt for him, because Allen already knew just by his actions alone.

Here was the man Allen loved, who supposedly loved Allen back, and he had just murmured someone else's name in his sleep. And not just any name, but the name of his deceased first love.

Kanda had been grieving Alma for five years when Allen first met him. He helped Kanda process his grief. Kanda had moved on from the suffering Alma's death and memories brought him, and now remembered his friend in a positive light. Allen was certain that while Kanda would always love Alma, he no longer loved him romantically, because he was with Allen now.

It seemed that Allen was maybe wrong.

What if he was just jumping to conclusions? What if it was I miss you, Alma or Thank you, Alma? Those were perfectly normal things to say to a deceased loved one. Just because Alma was dead didn't mean that he and Kanda never loved one another, and Allen never tried to erase that. He knew all too well the pain of being hung up on a loved one's death—the pain of seeing your loved one die, of them hissing your name in fury even as death claimed them.

But what if it was I love you, Alma? Allen's own biological parents didn't want him. His beloved foster father cursed his name on his deathbed. His legal guardian couldn't be arsed to deal with him. What made him think that his partner would actually want him when no one else bothered with him?

He banished the thoughts away from his brain. Kanda wouldn't have stayed with him for almost ten years if he didn't love him. And yet Kanda has this sense of obligation where he would continue doing things he hated as long as he fulfilled that obligation….Was that what Allen was, an obligation? Allen helped him move on from Alma, so now Kanda felt obliged to…to be there for him?

Allen shook his head. Kanda was a mean bastard with a sadistic streak, but he was never cruel, especially not to Allen. Kanda wouldn't hesitate to say it to his face if he hated him. In fact, he reckoned that he would relish doing so.

Allen no longer felt sleepy, but he didn't want to be in the same room as Kanda, so he tiptoed towards their living room. He wanted to take Timcanpy out of its birdcage but it was sleeping, so he grabbed the afghan blanked on the couch and draped it over his shoulders. He lay on the couch and then stared at the ceiling, thinking about nothing and everything.

There was a certain lightness in the air when Kanda woke up. He felt good, like how he felt when he got eight hours of sleep instead of four. He rolled over to the other side of the bed to pull Allen closer to him, but there was no one there.

The clock said that is it was 07:28 in the morning. It was a rest day so he and Allen didn't have to work out; he could afford to sleep in.

He sat up and rubbed the sleep away from his eyes. The vestiges of his dream were beginning to fade, so he stretched and yawned and padded outside their bedroom.

He saw Allen lying on the couch, playing with his pet canary. There was still no breakfast, but that wasn't a huge deal; they sometimes waited for the other to wake up so they could make breakfast together.

"What do you want for breakfast?" Kanda said as he walked to the fridge. He opened it and peered inside, noting which things needed to restocked, and which ones needed to be consumed before they went bad.

They lived in a small flat. There wasn't much distance between the couch and the fridge, so Kanda heard it clearly when Allen said, "I'm not hungry."

Kanda turned his head so fast he almost got a crick on his neck. Allen? Not hungry? Since when?

He walked over to the couch. The afghan blanket was draped over his partner, and Timcanpy, standing on its owner's chest, preened itself.

"Are you sick?" Kanda asked as he placed a hand on Allen's forehead.

Allen swatted his hand away. "I'm fine."

Kanda snorted. "Yeah, right. You're not hungry but you're fine. What's wrong?"

Allen held Timcanpy and stood up, making the afghan blanket fall to the floor. He put Timcanpy back in its cage before closing it and retrieving the blanket from the floor. He looked like he was about to go back to their bedroom, so Kanda grabbed him by the elbow, forcing him to look at him.

"Bean sprout," he said, staring into the other's eyes. "Tell me what's wrong." Kanda wasn't one for heart-to-heart talks, but this was serious. Their relationship wouldn't have lasted for almost ten years had he shied away from proper conversations.

Allen looked away from him, although he didn't shake Kanda's hand off.

"Say, Kanda," he said, voice barely above a whisper. "Do you love me?"

Kanda grimaced. "Why the fuck are you asking that now?"

Allen's head whipped back at him. Kanda was faced with Allen's angry face, his tears on the verge of falling.

"Just answer me!" Allen said, almost shouting.

"What brought this on?" What was Allen's problem so early in the morning? What the hell happened?

Allen turned away from him and tugged his arm from Kanda's hold. Allen's back faced him, and he could see the tiny tremors on Allen's shoulders. He longed to soothe his partner, but Allen would most likely strike him if he touched him in that moment.

Allen's shoulders stilled, and when he spoke, his tone was even and emotionless. "I heard you say something in your sleep." There was a pause, as if he was steeling himself, and then he continued. "You said, '…you, Alma.'"

Kanda blinked. He thought back to his dream, to that moment where he thanked Alma.

He put two and two together.

"Are you fucking stupid?" he spun Allen around so that they faced each other. "Do you think I said, 'I love you, Alma'?"

"You were smiling, and you never smile," Allen said, his voice teetering between hurt and angry. "And then I heard you say, '…you, Alma.' What was I supposed to think, huh?"

"What, you think I still love him?" Kanda scoffed. "Of course I still love him. I always will. But I'm not in love with him anymore. I haven't been for a long time. I'm in love with you. Or has the past ten years taught you nothing?"

Kanda could see where Allen was coming from. His partner had abandonment issues, and when he heard Kanda whisper someone else's name in his sleep, his thoughts might have taken a turn for the worse.

Allen stared at him, his face a mixture of pained and hopeful. Kanda took Allen's hands in his and ran his thumbs over each knuckle, all the while looking at Allen in the eyes.

"Do you know what I said?" Kanda asked, his thumbs running across the back of Allen's hands. "Alma came to me in a dream, said that he was happy for me. For us. And then I told him, 'Thank you, Alma.'"

Allen looked at him with watery eyes. He didn't let the tears fall, and he looked stupid doing so—and definitely not adorably stupid. Nope. Not at all.

Kanda pinched Allen's nose, making the latter groan. "Idiot bean sprout," he said with the most affection he could muster. "Do you believe me?"

Allen buried his face in Kanda's neck and wrapped his arms around him. "What reason would you have to lie?" came the muffled reply. Kanda pulled him closer, and the arms around him tightened. He felt Allen nuzzle his neck. "I was just feeling a bit insecure."

"It felt like closure, seeing him again," Kanda said softly. "He told me that I should tell you…" He gulped. Was he really going to do this? Allen wouldn't let him live it down if he did, but his partner was feeling vulnerable. He needed a little reassurance, and really, if it meant never seeing Allen cry again, then Kanda would willingly suffer a lifetime of taunts and teases.

"Alma asked me if you made me happy," Kanda finally said, "and I said, 'Very.' And then he said that I should tell you this, and I told him no."

Allen laughed lightly. "Why?"

Kanda stroked Allen's back. "Because you would never let me hear the end of it."

"I won't."

He wove his fingers through Allen's hair. "You okay now?"

Allen sniffled, then pulled back and looked at him. "I'm sorry I overreacted."

Kanda flicked his forehead. "You have nothing to apologise for. Idiot bean sprouts like you have pea-sized brains."

Allen rubbed his forehead. "You're supposed to be comforting me, BaKanda."

Ah. So they were now back to their usual dynamic.

Kanda snorted. "I've comforted you enough."

He let Allen go, and just as when he was about to go back to the kitchen, Allen said, "Hey, Kanda?"

He looked back at him.

"You make me very happy too," Allen said, a soft smile gracing his lips. That smile then turned into a grin when he added, "But it would make me happier if you made my breakfast."

Kanda slammed the fridge door close. "Go make your own, I'm gonna buy mine." He grabbed his keys, coat, phone, and wallet, and proceeded to the doorway.

"Wait up, I wanna come with!"

Kanda watched Allen shuffle around to get his belongings, and when they were both ready, he reached for Allen's left hand and held it tight. They exited the flat together, their fingers intertwined with each other's.

During his youth, Allen accompanied his guardian to all sorts of places around the world, from luxurious manors to ramshackle shanties; from lavish gardens to perilous jungles; from the European countryside to the Asian metropolis. But in all of the places Allen had visited, he couldn't remember ever being in this lotus lake.

He was at the end of a walkway. The sun hung low in the sky, and lotus flowers in various budding stages peeked out from beneath the water. He sat down, his feet dangling and his toes barely touching the water. He wished Kanda were with him. He loved lotuses, and he would have loved this place.

He felt a presence behind him. He looked back, and despite never having seen the boy before, Allen knew from Kanda's descriptions that he was staring at Alma.

He must be dreaming, then.

"Hey, Allen," Alma said. There was an unsure smile on his face. "Would you mind if I sat beside you?"

Allen scooted to the side to make room for Alma, and the boy sat beside him. Allen looked at his companion's profile and tried to memorise every detail. He wanted to remember this person, this person who meant the world to his partner.

"I heard you two had a bit of a row because of me," said Alma.

Allen chuckled. "It was a misunderstanding."

"Sorry about that."

"You have nothing to apologise for."

There was silence for a while. The two of them stared at the vast expanse of the lake before Alma spoke again.

"I bet Yuu had already told you how much we'd play in a lotus lake during our childhood," Alma said.

"Yes," Allen replied. "He told me everything."

"Then you should know that I was a selfish brat at the end."

"I don't blame you."

"Still…If you really love a person, then you wouldn't want that person to die a horrible death with you. You'd want them to live a long and happy life."

"You're not the first person who would want their loved one to die with them, and you wouldn't be the last."

Alma sighed. "I'm glad he didn't listen to me. I'm glad that he's still alive."

Allen found himself smiling. "I'm glad too."

Alma reached into the lake and plucked a lotus flower in full bloom. He took Allen's hands, and placed the flower on his palms.

"Thank you for making him happy," he said.

"He's the one who makes me happy," Allen replied. After his biological parents had abandoned him, after his foster father had died, and after his legal guardian fucked off to wherever and left him to fend for himself, Allen, despite all the people he called his friends, didn't really have anyone he held dear to his heart. The last person he had truly loved was his foster father. And his foster father loved him too, but he was slowly losing his mind. Allen wondered if Mana ever loved him as much as Allen did. In a way, Allen and Kanda were the same—the person they loved the most wished them hell with their dying breath. "He saved me, just as much as I saved him."

"He's in your hands now. Take care of him."

Allen looked at the flower in his hands, and then back to Alma. "I will. And thank you for loving him and making him happy."

Alma squeezed his hands, and in the next second, Allen was alone, and the only evidence of Alma's visit was the lotus flower he was still holding. He looked at the distance and pondered about where Alma could have gone.

"Thank you, Alma," he whispered. He was still cradling the flower. "I hope you're happy, wherever you are."

Kanda was awoken from a dreamless sleep by someone insistently shaking his shoulders. He was a light sleeper, so it didn't take too long for him to wake up.

"Kanda," Allen whisper-hissed. "Kanda, wake up."

Allen was sitting up and looking at him with eyes that were too awake for—he glanced at the clock—half past three in the morning.

"What?" said Kanda, voice groggy with sleep.

"I dreamt of Alma," Allen said.

"What?"

"He gave me a lotus flower, and then told me to take care of you."

Kanda sat up too, but before he could say anything, Allen spoke again.

"I was in this lotus lake, and he apologised for creating a misunderstanding between us. I said there was no need to apologise. Then he told me to take care of you."

Alma meeting Allen…Kanda would have loved to see that. It filled him with apprehension to know that his former love met with his current love, but at the same time, it also made him hopeful. Hopeful for what? That Alma and Allen would get along? Alma was dead now. There was no reason, and no opportunity, for them to get along in the real world. But from the looks of it, they had quite the conversation in Allen's dream.

"What else did you two talk about?" It felt strange asking this question. Hell, this whole situation was strange.

Allen grinned. "I told him that you were an asshole but I have no choice but to put up with you. You're my problem now."

Kanda knew that Allen was lying, and Allen knew that Kanda knew that he was lying.

"I should be the one saying that," Kanda said, gathering Allen close to him and gently tugging him down. "Let's go back to sleep."

Allen put his head on Kanda's chest. "I want to go to a lotus lake."

"Mn," he replied before placing a kiss on Allen's forehead. "I'll take you to one for our tenth anniversary. Let's plan the trip tomorrow."

Allen snuggled into him. "Looking forward to it."

Kanda carded his fingers through Allen's hair. His partner was silent, so he thought that he had already fallen asleep, but Allen softly said, "Kanda?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for putting up with me."

Kanda laughed lightly. "That should be my line."

He kissed Allen's forehead once more, and went on to have a peaceful and dreamless sleep.

A/N: This was an idea that I had back in 2019. I must have written four or five versions of this fic but none of them worked out, so I scrapped everything and started with a blank document. I'm glad that I've finally written this, because this was always at the back of my mind. 2019 me, I hope you're in peace now.