AN: Round 5 for QLFC
Appleby Arrows
Seeker
Prompt: Cowardice
Thanks, Freyja_luna for betaing for me
Not All Gryffindors Are Brave
Remus stood in the shadow of an oak tree, out of sight from any prying eyes that may pass his way. He had already seen the woman peeking through the blinds several times that morning. Lily's sister, Petunia, seemed to have quite the habit of watching her neighbors and Remus would rather not be seen today.
Remus's hazel eyes flicked towards the backyard and to the boy who had emerged from the house wearing dirty clothes that were much too big for him. His dark hair was as messy as his father's had ever been.
Remus took a step forward, but almost immediately stepped back into the shadows. He shook his head, trying to clear away the fogginess in his mind.
What was he doing here? He shouldn't be here!
These were the same thoughts that had plagued him for the last three days, every time he found himself standing in this same spot. Watching this same boy.
Harry was his best friend's son. He had been there at St. Mungo's the night he was born. James had been such a nervous wreck that Lily had sent him out of the delivery room because he had been driving her absolutely crazy. Remus remembered when they had placed him in his arms for the first time. He was a tiny little bundle in blue blankets and he had looked up at him with those emerald green eyes: Lily's eyes. Remus had vowed right then and there that he would protect this child at all costs.
But that was before everything had fallen to pieces; before his best friend had turned spy and gave James and Lily up to Voldemort; before Peter had been murdered.
Remus had no one now: no friends, no family, and no purpose.
All that was left was Harry, and Remus couldn't even bring himself to talk to the boy.
It really was ridiculous. He was a Gryffindor for Merlin's sake! He was supposed to be brave, and yet the very idea of speaking to an eight-year-old child had him cowering in fear. Why couldn't he just walk over there and speak to him? Why was he hiding in the shadows like a spineless slug? Remus clenched his hands so tightly that his nails cut crescent-moon shapes into his palms, and it was only when he felt blood trickling through his fingers that his mind registered the pain. He quickly unclenched his hands.
Remus took a deep breath and muttered the spell to heal his cuts before focusing his attention on the boy once more. Harry was sitting against the trunk of a tree as he held a small book open on his raised knees. Remus couldn't see from this distance what the name of the book was, but he could see a slight smile on Harry's face as he read it.
Part of him wanted to walk over and say hello to Harry. He desperately wanted to talk to him, to get to know him as he should have from the beginning. That had been the plan. He was supposed to be as close as an uncle to this boy. In a perfect world, he would have been there for all of his "firsts." Remus would have been there to teach him things and help him with his homework. He could have shared meals with him at his parent's house or brought him presents for Christmases and birthdays.
But this wasn't a perfect world and James and Lily were gone. Sirius and Peter too. The realization that he was the only one left brought a sinking feeling to Remus's stomach just as it always did, as if the Giant Squid had suddenly taken up residence there. Remus felt like he could barely take in air. What was he doing here?!
He was in no position to talk to Harry. He didn't know him! It was too late. Too much time had passed already and he had no business showing up now, hoping that he could make amends for being gone the last seven years, and that was assuming he had the guts to ever tell Harry the truth.
Remus shook his head again. He needed to leave. He should never have come here to begin with. It was a mistake. He couldn't show up in Harry's life and think everything would be okay.
He turned away from the backyard, intent on disapparating away, when he heard someone speak.
"Hello."
Remus whirled back around, eyes widening comically as he took in the boy in front of him. It was a long moment before the hammering of his heart slowed enough that Remus could form words, and even when it did, his voice came out nearly strangled. He swallowed hard around the lump in his throat and tried again.
"Hello."
Harry smiled shyly. "I'm Harry. What's your name?"
"John," Remus lied quickly.
"You sorta look familiar. Do I know you?"
"No," he lied again. "I've never seen you before in my life."
Harry's face fell and he said, "Oh," as he looked down at his worn trainers.
Remus wanted to take it back because the look on Harry's face nearly broke his heart. It almost seemed like he was truly disappointed and Remus longed to be able to tell him the truth. To tell him that, yes, he did know him. That he had been one of the first to hold him. That he used to rock him to sleep outside on the Potter's front porch swing on nights when he was particularly fussy, and that he would hold him so that Harry could see the moon because for some reason that always seemed to be able to calm him down.
But Remus did not tell him those things. He couldn't bring himself to say the words and so instead he turned away again. He decided that he would walk to another street and disapparate back to his little apartment in London from there. Before he could even take two steps, he turned his head back to call over his shoulder, "Goodbye, Harry. It was nice meeting you."
Once Remus was back in the safety of his apartment, he slumped down onto the threadbare sofa and stared listlessly into the fireplace, cursing himself for not being braver.