It had been 6 months since Edward left me. There was no relief from the pain that was ripping and tearing my heart right out of my chest. Even in the dead of night, asleep, my dreams were filled with his velvet voice, his golden eyes, his untamed hair. I could almost feel it when I tangled my fingers in it, pulling him closer to me in my dreams as if I could drag this sleep-soaked version of him into my real world. I could almost taste his lips when I woke up every morning gasping, shivering at the sudden loss of touch that was my delicious dream ending.
I tried not to cry in the mornings, because my puffy eyes gave me away when I dragged my feet downstairs and out the door for school. Charlie didn't say anything about it. Not anymore. He had officially given up; probably realizing I was a hopeless case. Yet, every once in a while, I would come downstairs and hear him murmuring on the phone with somebody. His voice always sounded choked and desperate, though I couldn't ever understand what he was saying. I never asked. I couldn't muster up the energy to care. He'd already brought in multiple doctors and even paid for a psychiatrist. I refused to speak with them. What was I going to say anyway? I imagined myself breaking down in front of the middle aged woman with the kind eyes who had visited us a few weeks ago. "My vampire boyfriend left me," I pictured myself sobbing, as she stared at me, concerned. Yup, that would definitely land me right in the institution. I choked out a laugh despite myself, but it was dry, no real humor there.
Jessica's eyes flickered over to me, and she looked like she was about to speak, but then rolled her eyes and continued her conversation with Mike instead. I hadn't realized I had drifted off into a daydream again at lunch, but that was how it usually went. I hated school now. For the first few weeks, everyone stared at me. It was worse than my first day, because this time it was with pity, not interest. They knew I was broken, but they were expecting me to get over it. When I never did, their stares slowly fell away and I could feel myself fading into the background, watching my classmate's lives go on without me. Mike had even stopped trying to make me feel better. Everyone left me alone now, and it was easier this way. To be alone with my grief was the best way. I knew it would never end, but it was easier to not have to pretend that I was okay; to hold normal conversations. I dreaded small talk. Who cared about the weather? Nothing was important anymore. Exams at school were coming up, and I couldn't have been less prepared if I tried. Every word I tried to study refused to register in my brain. Even biology was difficult to focus on.
"Bella. Are you coming?" I was lifted from my train of depressed thoughts by Angela, who was watching me from across the table with a soft expression. The only person who hadn't given up on me. I glanced around and realized the cafeteria was nearly empty. The warning bell rang and I heaved a sigh.
"Yeah, sorry Angela." I murmured, and I meant it. She shook her head with a small smile and stood, offering her arm to me.
"Come on,"
I took her arm with a weak attempt at a smile and she walked me to Biology. I sat at my empty lab desk and daydreamed through the rest of the school day, barely even feeling it when I tripped and smashed my knees against the linoleum in the gym.
Usually, I drove straight home from school. Where else was there to go? But some days, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't stop my hands as they turned the steering wheel in the wrong direction, couldn't lift my foot off the gas pedal as it pushed me toward the most painful place for me to visit. I just had to see for myself, just to make sure. Make sure that nobody was there, waiting for me. It didn't have to be Edward. I would have been overjoyed to indulge in a hug from Alice, or even one of Rosalie's glares. I was helpless, and I knew that I was only hurting myself. But I couldn't help it. The hope I felt deep in my stomach as I imagined seeing that ever familiar silver Volvo parked at that ever familiar house was just too delicious to deny. At a red light, I closed my eyes and imagined myself taking this route every day. Driving home - home to Edward. It filled me momentarily with a wave of peace and comfort, but as soon as the light was green, the wave crested and it was grief again.
I felt the anxiety fill my chest as I turned off the road and started down the long path to his house, fingers gripping the steering wheel as I peered ahead, longing for any sign of life. There was none. When I finally reached the house, it was dark. Like always. I put my truck in park and buried my face in my hands, shoulders shaking as I held myself together. So anticlimactic. The forlorn house was a great similarity to the way my chest felt. Dark, hollow, haunted. It was still breathtaking, just looking at the magnificent structure, but without the Cullens, it seemed more like a mansion from a horror story - not a welcoming family home.
I spent a while there, even stepping out of my truck to just wander. It was also comforting to know that no one was within a 10 mile radius of me here. I was truly alone.
In the cover of the trees, the sunlight faded much more quickly than anywhere else in town, but the dwindling light did not give me any motive to leave. The only reason I picked myself up off the grassy lawn was the thought of Charlie. He needed me. I tripped over a branch on my way back to my truck, and then drove myself home.
When I pulled into the driveway next to the Cruiser, I did not notice the silver Volvo parked a few houses down the street. I never noticed anything anymore. I walked in, and tried to put on a brave face for Charlie, who greeted me in a painfully cheerful voice when I walked in.
"Hey, Bells!" He smiled at me and gestured to an open pizza box on the counter behind him. "I bought dinner." I nodded and grabbed a slice just to humor him, knowing it would end up in the trash in my bedroom after a couple of bites. I'd lost weight over the past half year, and I knew it, but I couldn't bring myself to track how much. Even now, my jeans were drooping slightly on my waist. I had no appetite for anything anymore, only eating when my stomach refused to allow me to deny food any longer.
To spite Charlie, I stayed downstairs while we ate and watched a sitcom with him. Just one episode. I could handle that for Charlie, right? I had a few small bites of the pizza slice on my plate, but the smell was making me nauseous and the couple laughing and kissing on the tv screen did not help.
I stood abruptly when I realized the name of the man in the stupid show we were watching. Edward. Hearing the beautiful on-screen woman sigh his name happily was just too painful for me. I heard a sob break free from the depths of my chest, scraping the edges of the hole inside me with a vigor so abrupt it left me breathless. I tried to disguise it with a cough, but knew the cough was a few seconds too late to be believable. Charlie was scrambling to change the channel, having recognized immediately what my issue was, but suddenly I couldn't bear to pretend anymore tonight.
"I'm tired," I mumbled unconvincingly, and I didn't pause when Charlie stammered over his words, trying to keep me there. I tripped up the stairs on my way to my bedroom, where I would finally be able to unleash the tears. I felt the pain in my knees flare up from my fall earlier, but ignored it easily as I wrenched my bedroom door open and tossed my half eaten pizza slice in the trash by my desk. I cursed as I felt the pain overcome me, ripping my chest wide open as I wrapped my arms around myself in a pathetic attempt to keep my heart in my chest. I looked up just as another sob broke free- and froze. My rocking chair in the corner was not empty, as it should be. There was an angel sitting in it with pitch black eyes and an anguished expression.
Edward. He was here. No, that was impossible. I was very clearly hallucinating. I snapped my eyes shut, tight, sucking in a searing breath and holding it for a moment. My breath hitched as I exhaled, but I held in the sob. Hallucinations. This was a whole other level. I was officially going crazy. I felt the hole in my chest throb, threatening to drag me under in waves of grief.
"Bella?" The voice was soft, and closer now than where I had seen him sitting, the fake Edward had risen silently from the chair and taken a few steps closer to me. I mused silently, his voice echoing in my head. My imitations of his velvety voice were much more accurate now than they ever used to be. If I didn't know better, I'd think he really was standing in front of me, with that anxious voice practically singing my name. I could hear the crease in his eyebrows in the way he spoke, but I refused to open my eyes and face my hallucination again. Not yet. I didn't know if I could survive it. Maybe I would just keel over and die. It was a nice thought, but Charlie still needed me.
After another moment, I forced myself to wrench my eyelids open, and what I saw in front of me sent my heart galloping in my chest. His perfect, pale, beautiful face was right there. Eyes, pitch black with thirst, dark purple rings underneath them. His lips, turned down slightly at the corners in worry, were just a couple of feet away from me…
And that was it. That was all my body could bear. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, my body was trembling and the room around me started spinning. Suddenly, Edward's face was fading. He was speeding away from me, sucked through a dark tunnel that was now my only line of vision. "No!" I choked out, wanting to reach out to him, to feel his arms around me, even if it was just a stupid hallucination. Who cared? I certainly didn't. I would die a happy death if I could just feel those cold arms around me once more. I thought I heard him speak again, but the sound was drowned by the obnoxious rushing noise that now filled my head. I was fainting. The rushing noise only got louder and I felt my legs buckle beneath me as Edward's face finally disappeared completely and the room went dark.
When I woke, I was in bed. I kept my eyes closed as my throat burned with tears immediately upon waking, remembering my hallucination with painful accuracy and wondering with a stab of guilt if Charlie had found me passed out on the floor.
With a shaky breath, I slowly opened my eyes… and saw him again. He was hovering near the bed, not on it with me but standing hesitantly close by.
"How am I still dreaming?" I whispered to myself, silent tears falling from my eyes as I closed them again.
"Bella… Bella, you're not dreaming." His voice was so real, it tore at the hole in my chest with every syllable. I felt myself flinch and then laughed humorlessly as I pushed myself up onto my elbows. Everything was still a little blurry, so I figured I must be making this up in my head.
"Right. So you're actually here. With your stupid voice, and your stupid face, and those dumb, stupid eyes…" I trailed off, peeking up at those pitch black eyes again. They did seem tangible… "Edward?" I breathed, breath catching in my throat as more tears slipped down my cheeks. My throat was burning but I ignored it. I could not allow myself to believe this was real. I couldn't. I could feel my hands trembling as I sat up a little straighter on my bed.
"It's me," he whispered back, hardly loud enough for me to hear. He took a step closer and I flinched, hardly able to bear the thought of having to let him go again, even if he was just a hallucination. "Oh, Bella… could you ever forgive me?" Suddenly his voice was broken, and he was on his knees on the floor in front of me, his face a picture of anguished heartbreak. I couldn't breathe. "I know I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything. Especially not you." I'd never heard an angel's voice sound so broken, and yet still so perfect. "I was a fool. A wretched fool to leave you. I couldn't bear it, Bella. I lied in the woods, I lied to you. I told you I didn't- didn't want you, and it was sick. The blackest kind of blasphemy. And you believed me. And that made it so much worse. I don't know why you… How you could... " he broke off then, sucking in a trembling breath. I was still frozen on my bed. The reality of the situation was slowly dawning on me. It really was him. Edward was here. He was kneeling on my bedroom floor next to my bed, sobbing (sans tears) and begging for me to forgive him. I couldn't think past that yet. My eyes blinked the tears away but they just kept coming, silently cascading down my cheeks as I stared at him with wide eyes. "I love you," he whispered then, looking back up at me, shoulders sagging and hands pressed in his lap, like he was forcing himself not to reach out to me. I couldn't handle it. "Bella, I love—"
I held up my hand to stop him then. I couldn't allow him to finish that sentence. My heart couldn't bear it. He immediately closed his mouth, his lips pressed together in a tight line as he watched me with anguished eyes.
"Don't," I could do no more than whisper for a few moments. My voice had no substance. "I can't bear it. You left! You don't love me," my voice was slightly louder but still breaking on every other word. For the first time in half a year, I noticed that I could feel my heart beating in my chest. It was sprinting, pounding the blood through my veins and into my cheeks - I found myself blushing despite myself. My breathing was still ragged with choked sobs as I stared at him, pulling my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs and hugging myself, trying desperately to close the hole that was ripping open even further, but it was no use. Every breath burned through it. "You're not real. You're not real." I gasped, burying my head in my knees. I couldn't believe it.
He was on the bed beside me then, throwing caution to the wind as he wrapped his cold arms around my trembling body and pulled me into his lap. I gasped, feeling my skin tingle familiarly with every touch. There was no way my mind could conjure this feeling from nothing. I was struggling to accept that he really was here in front of me.
"Bella, I'm so sorry… so sorry. Please forgive me." His voice broke and he rocked me back and forth gently. I felt his lips press against the back of my neck, and it was like someone had dropped ice cold water on my skin. My breath caught again. "I love you," he whispered, over and over again, his lips trailing across the bare skin of my neck. I was intensely glad that I had decided to throw my hair up in a bun that morning. I tried to force my body to relax, but I was shaking violently now, the sobs forcing their way out from the hole in my chest. I kept my head down, hating that he was really here with me, and I could do no more than cry. His hands were rubbing my back soothingly, stopping every once in a while to grip me closer to him, against his chest, like he couldn't get me close enough. I knew the feeling.
I pulled my face from my knees and buried it into his chest instead. If this was a hallucination, I might as well get the most from it, right? I unwound my arms from my legs and wrapped them instead around Edward's chest, gasping to inhale the sweet scent he never failed to emit. It was his own personal brand of cologne, and no store bought bottle would ever compare. And I knew, because I'd tried. At the beginning, I'd bought every scent off the shelves at Target, trying to find one that mimicked his smell perfectly so I could spray it on my pillows at night. It was so pathetic now, thinking about it, that I found myself laughing through my tears. Choking on sobs mixed with laughs, I looked up at him. His eyes were still anguished, but that was not the primary emotion anymore. His eyes were glowing. Positively shining. He was happy to be here. Holding me against him, it was like he'd never left.
"What's funny?" He murmured, one hand still tight around my waist, not allowing me to move even an inch away, as if I would have tried. Not a chance. His other hand was on my face, then, one cold finger tracing the shape of my jaw, the tired circles under my eyes, catching tears as they fell. I swallowed and choked out another laugh.
"You smell good," I sighed out in response, feeling my shoulders start to relax. He laughed, too, a hard sound, still laced with anxiety. "You're… really here?" My voice trembled, all traces of humor dissipated instantly. He sobered up as well, pain flashing across his flawless features before he nodded, not trying to hide the pain.
"I'm here, Bella. It's me. If… if you'll allow me back into your life, I'll never leave you again." He spoke fiercely, arms tightening around me. The conviction in his voice threw me back into hysterical sobs, and I clutched the collar of his soft button down and soaked his shirt with my tears. He just held me silently, lips leaving goosebumps in their slow trail across my skin.
"I'm s- s- sorry," I bawled through my hiccups, burying my face in his neck and inhaling deeply, trying to soothe myself. He shushed me gently as his hands continued to rub circles in my back.
"Shh, Bella, it's okay," he buried his face in my hair and sighed shakily.
We stayed intertwined on my bed for how long, I wasn't sure. It could've been days. Eventually he shifted us into a vertical position. When he first moved I panicked, gasping and twisting my fingers in the fabric of his shirt, afraid he was going to leave. He soothed me by tightening his arms around me and pulling me against him, but laying down now. A few stray tears escaped, for the first time in a while. I thought I'd finally gotten ahold of myself, but I guess I was wrong. He wiped the tears gently and cupped my face in his hands, tilting it up so I was gazing right into those deep onyx eyes.
"I'm not leaving." He murmured, cold breath blowing across my lips and cheeks.
"I thought you couldn't read my mind," I joked weakly. His lips were so close, just inches from mine. I could almost taste them. But I didn't dare move closer, not wanting to close the distance and ruin the illusion, snap him out of whatever had driven him back to me. I didn't need to, though, it seemed, because his eyes were now focused on my lips instead of my own swollen eyes. My breath caught in my throat as he leaned in, and then we were kissing.
The way his lips moved against mine was sewing up the hole in my chest. With every touch, I could feel my heart gaining strength. Suddenly, nothing mattered anymore. The room around me disappeared and it was just me and Edward. The only people on the planet. Our kiss was the center of the universe. His lips were cold and smooth and desperate against mine. I couldn't remember a time we'd kissed like this.
After a while, though, I had to break it. I was surprised; usually Edward was the first to end our kisses. But my lungs burned with lack of oxygen. I pulled away and gasped for breath, fresh tears spilling over my cheeks. I was flat on my back now, head on the pillow, Edward hovering over me. I was still panting as he kissed the tears away from my cheeks and trailed ice cold kisses down across my jaw.
"Why are you crying?" There was pain in his voice, and I assumed he already knew the answer. He wanted to hear it from me.
"I just… I can't believe it's really you. I can feel you," I squeezed his biceps, "and I can smell you," I inhaled deeply and sighed as I exhaled, pressing my forehead against his, "but my brain is stubborn. You left. It's just… it's hard for me to believe that you came back for me. You had no reason to come back." I explained weakly, my voice breaking pathetically on the last word as I really began crying again. He moved quickly, almost too quickly for me to notice what was happening, and then he was sitting up against the headboard, holding me tightly on top of him, against his chest.
"You believe I had no reason to return." He spoke quietly, voice deep and almost a growl as he cupped my face in his hands and forced me to look at him. I tried to blink the tears away so I could focus on his beautiful face. It was so blurry, as my eyes refused to stay dry. "Isabella Marie Swan…" he whispered, his breath caressing me as his thumbs swiped more tears away. He looked like he would be crying too, if such a thing were possible. "You have no idea how… how broken I've been." His breath hitched and he kissed my forehead, leaving the spot tingling when he pulled away. "I should have known… I should have realized… that I could not survive without you." He smiled weakly. "I was a fool. I'm helplessly, irrevocably in love with you. There is no point to my existence without you. No reason for me to be. You must understand this." He murmured, the desperation clear in his voice and his pinched eyebrows. I stared at him, trying to force my mind to accept what my body already knew. Edward loved me. He was here, and he loved me. He was sorry he'd ever left. I watched him with anxious eyes, taking a few breaths to steady myself before he spoke again. "Bella, please do not feel pressured." He whispered suddenly. "I understand that I- that I messed up. I betrayed your trust and you owe me nothing. I lied, and I left you, and I will spend the remainder of my pitiful existence regretting every moment of it. If you… if you want something different now, I understand." The words sounded like they were causing him physical pain. "If you tell me I'm too late, I understand. I will leave and it will be like I never existed this time. I promise that if you tell me to go I will not return again. I respect your wishes." He ended in a whisper and I shook my head quickly, tears flying off my cheeks.
"Don't go," I choked, clutching myself closer to him. "I forgive you, Edward. I forgive you. Please don't leave me again!" I sobbed into his chest, losing it for the nth time tonight. He encircled me in his arms and rocked me back and forth.
"I won't." He promised, and then he just held me again.
After my hysterical bawling, we simply laid in each other's arms. It was dark out now. Charlie did not come to say goodnight - he hardly ever did anymore. Tonight especially, I was glad of that. The room was almost pitch dark and I hated that I couldn't see Edward through it. I reached over to click on the lamp, throwing his pale features in warm light, shadows dancing on the wall in response to our every movement. We continued to relax, but didn't speak. There was plenty of time for talking, but right now, I just wanted to be with him. Feel his arms around me, and soak in every happy moment I could. Every once in a while he would kiss me - on the lips, on the forehead, my eyelids. Anywhere he could reach. Every touch was intoxicating.
Ever since he had left me that afternoon so long ago, I felt like I was drowning. The grief was an ocean, and I did not know how to tread the water. The waves crashed over me at both the expected and the unexpected moments, filling my lungs and making it feel impossible for me to breathe through the pain. My eyes closed and I shivered as I remembered the feeling, eyes pricking as more tears came through. I pushed them back.
"Are you cold?" Edward asked softly, shifting to pull the quilt up over me. I shook my head. The feeling of drowning that I had become so accustomed to over the months was waning. I was floating now. Edward, my angel, my life raft. Every second he stayed with me was another inch of my body being freed from the ocean of sadness. If he stayed long enough, I would become completely dry.
Despite my denial, Edward tucked me securely under the blanket and continued to hold me close to him. I had no intention to move an inch… until I felt my bladder ache. I hadn't felt so much emotion in so long, it had forced my body to work in overdrive, and I knew I needed to pee and brush my teeth. I sat up slowly and he moved with me until we were both vertical.
"I need a moment in the bathroom." I sighed, stretching hugely. He nodded, and then I felt the anxiety spike. I looked at him with desperate eyes, biting my lip. I could hardly bear to walk away from him when he'd just gotten back to me.
"I promise I won't leave." He said firmly, kissing me once on the mouth. "I promise." He made a show of making himself comfortable in my bed then, even tucking himself under the covers, up to his chin. He smiled a bit shyly at me. I returned it and then got up. I grabbed some sweats and a different t-shirt to throw on, and then padded through the dark hallway into the bathroom. Charlie's snores echoed from his bedroom. I felt the anxiety building again as I thought about how I was going to tell Charlie that Edward was back. And that thought spun me further into a flurry of questions. Was his family back too? Alice? Was Carlisle working at the hospital again? I knew Rosalie did not like me - was she back too, regardless? I yanked a brush through my hair and tried to stop the flood of questions from ruining this moment. For all I knew, I would wake up tomorrow and he would be gone again. I cringed at the thought, and my eyes burned with tears again. I wasn't sure how I had any left to shed. I stared at myself in the mirror and scowled. My eyes were red and puffy. The circles underneath were purple and dark. They looked like Edward's. I quickly stripped down to my underwear and shaved my legs, grimacing when I tried to remember the last time I'd even touched my razor. Shaving took much longer than it normally would have, and I had to stick a bandaid on my knee after my rushing caused the razor to slice my skin. One more glance in the mirror after brushing my teeth, and I was ready for bed.
I pulled on the sweats and t-shirt I had snagged from my bedroom, and then made my way back into the room quietly. Miraculously, he was still there. Seemingly in the same spot I had left him. But the room was not silent anymore. I noticed my radio on the desk, and it was playing soft music. Not just any music. I immediately recognized my lullaby. I looked at Edward as he watched me, and I felt myself smile hugely as I rushed to tuck myself into his arms again.
"Oh, Edward!" I choked out, hugging him tightly. He returned the hug and kissed my head. I would be crying again, but I was so exhausted I couldn't find the energy to let out another sob. He rubbed my back soothingly, not speaking.
Then he froze. I froze when he did, wondering what had happened when he leaned away from me slightly. I pulled back to look up at his face, which was strained, lips pressed tightly together. Oh.
"You're bleeding." He spoke through his teeth and let out a low hiss. I pulled away hesitantly.
"I'm sorry. It was an accident. I was shaving. You don't have to…" I was going to say you don't have to stay, but I couldn't physically force the words from my lips. They were too painful to suggest. He shook his head and held up a finger. After a few moments, and several visible deep breaths, I felt him relax and exhale slowly. He nuzzled his nose in the space between my collarbones and inhaled deeply. His hands tightened around my waist and he pulled back again, but just to settle me into his arms more comfortably again. He smiled softly, satisfied.
"It's been months since… It's one thing to remember your scent. It's a whole other story having it right in front of me," he chuckled, brushing a stray hair behind my ear. "I'm good," he promised, and I reached up to trace the circles under his eyes, worried.
"You're thirsty," I murmured. He smiled and I felt a cold finger brush the skin under my own eyes.
"You're tired." He countered teasingly, my lullaby continuing on in the background. I sighed heavily.
"I don't want to sleep," I whispered, burying my face in his chest. I felt his laugh shake the bed slightly.
"You are stubborn." He murmured in agreement, tilting my chin back up to kiss me lightly. I sighed and settled in beside him.
"Will you be here?" I whispered, as my eyelids dropped. "When I wake up?"
"Forever," he whispered. The music stopped as my lullaby reached its end, but he was humming now, the melody sounding even more beautiful coming from him. Before I could feel any more anxiety about it, my mind slipped and I was sleeping, safely in Edward's arms.