Hey there, everyone! Here's a little thing I whipped up with one sleep deprived brain cell last night. I hope you guys enjoy! :)
Anakin was in pain a lot. Most of the time, to be honest.
When he looked in the mirror he could hardly recognize the reflection staring back at him. It had become warped and distorted just as his mind, and some days when he looked for too long he wondered if it was just a mirage he was seeing.
He felt alone, and changed, and frightened.
"The fear; it used to be this fleeting thing that would come and go, but now I think it's just who I am." Anakin whispered to Padme on one of those nights. One of those nights where neither of them would sleep. "I'm afraid, Padme."
His words had been so blunt, so honest that all Padme could do was curl up around him wordlessly, knowing she could shield him from everything with just her body wrapped around his. It reminded him of a pair of trees he'd seen once on Maridun- or maybe it had been on kashiik that one time with Obi-Wan… Anakin wasn't quite sure anymore- but their branches had grown so close together that they had intertwined with one another. Like leaves he'd seen woven into baskets. When he'd looked at them, it was hard to tell where one tree started and the other began.
They were like that in a way, him and Padme. She had become a part of him over the years, a natural extension of himself that had weaved into his very being like the branches of those strange trees.
After a few moments' silence, Padme finally said, "You're so much more than that, my love." There was a kiss on his temple and arms tightening around his waist, but he felt numb to it.
"You don't understand."
"I do."
She tilted her head up slightly to catch the disbelief on Anakin's face and a frown appeared on hers. "I do… Really, I do, Anakin." She said. "Believe me, I know you. More than anyone." Her voice was sad, and guilt stung in Anakin's chest.
He didn't mean to worry her so often, but he just did.
"I'm sorry." He muttered, but she was already shaking her head.
"Nothing to apologize for." There was a kindness in her eyes he didn't deserve as she started running her fingers through his messy hair. "You've done nothing wrong."
That was debatable, but he let it slide. Pressing her further wouldn't help anything, wouldn't get rid of the dread buried deep in his chest. But it helped to be lying in bed with her, the city lights streaking in through the window as her delicate fingers navigated through all the knots in his hair.
He never combed through it, he was too tired these days, and he sort of liked looking like he just hopped out of a podracer.
"Tell me more, Anakin." Padme whispered into the dark. "About how you've been. Let me help like you do when I have bad days at work."
Anakin let out a dry laugh. "I think you have more bad days than I do, Senator. I could never deal with politicians all day."
She lightly punched his shoulder, because she was a politician herself, and it was a flat out lie what he was saying. While she held just as many lives in her hands as he did, and it hurt terribly when she messed up and lost them, she didn't have to see the carnage in person like he did.
"The things you tell me about the battlefield leave a pit in my stomach, Anakin." She muttered. "It's miserable, really. Sometimes I want to march down to the temple and take you away from all of it."
"Not that I could," She said quietly, as more of an afterthought than anything else. "Your life isn't mine to decide."
Anakin humed to himself. It was too hard to say what he was thinking. That sometimes he wanted to leave too. He wanted to turn his back on everything and be free of the home that was never really his. Leave the place he never quite belonged.
"I wouldn't mind that." He finally said. "If it wasn't for Obi-Wan and Ahsoka that is."
"Ahsoka, how's she doing?" Padme whispered, twirling a lock of his brown hair in her hand.
"Alright, except she's been getting nightmares. Poor kid takes after me too much. You know, all the other Jedi say that she's a 'mini-me' but that's just about my worst fear."
"It'd be mine too if I had to look after her. Two Anakins is too much for the galaxy to handle." Padme joked, though there was a hint of concern hiding in her tired voice. She was rather maternal with the little Togruta, treating her like she was her own kid sometimes. "She's okay though, right?"
"She will be. She bunks with me or Rexter when the nightmares get bad and it helps. Keeps me up, though. She snores like a bantha." He said, in a mixture of affection and annoyance.
"You say that as if you don't."
"Hey, I do not snore."
"You do." Padme quipped, holding back laughter so she'd seem serious. "I bet you're worse than Ahsoka."
"No one's worse than Ahsoka, my dear. Sometimes she growls at me when she's awake. When she's mad."
Padme grins. "You probably deserve it."
That made them both laugh, cause sith hells, he usually did. When the laughter died down and the room went quiet again, Anakin pressed his lips to the top of Padme's head and sighed.
"It's just a bit of a rough spot for 'Soka right now, but she'll be alright if that's what you're asking."
"And you?" Padme whispered. "Will you be?"
That was a hard question.
Anakin had never really been alright. Ever. He lived his days constantly sailing through rough waters, his raw anger and fear always threatening to consume him. His only moments of peace were nights like these ones when he was with her.
"I- I don't know, dear… I don't know."
She pressed her face against his chest, and maker, she felt so sad through the force, but he had nothing else to say so he just brought an arm up to hold her.
This was how things were between them. They had their banter and flirtations they retreated to often, and then they had moments like these. When things were so difficult that they couldn't even talk through it, so they'd just hold each other and try to find some calm in the storm.
Anakin hoped that would never change.
Thank you guys so much for reading! This is one of the first Anidala stories I've written and I hope I got them right! Love you lots!