A/N: Don't own anything Avengers, wish I did…..Lots of emotions flying around in this one and may need a couple of Kleenexes…you've been warned, but hope you enjoy.
Definition of Triggers- An emotional trigger is anything, including memories, experiences or events that may spark an intense emotional reaction, regardless of your current mood. A trigger is a reminder of a past trauma and can cause a person to feel overwhelming sadness, anxiety or panic. It may also cause someone to have flashbacks that are vivid, often a negative memory that may appear without warning.
Flashbacks
The Team was exhausted; even the mighty God of Thunder was done for the day. Once everyone was loaded on the QJet it quickly took off back to the Avengers Tower in New York where the Team can clean up and decompress from the day's events without being under to scrutiny of the press or watchful eyes of SHEILD. The battle was hard with more civilian casualties than they could count leaving the Team discouraged and exhausted as their best efforts just weren't good enough and innocent lives were lost. Everyone was quiet on the way home and very worried about Steve; each of them keeping an unnoticed eye on him as he seemed overly jumpy and would flinch every so often. Even though Steve is the Captain and co-leader of the Team, there is an unwritten status that he is the 'little brother' of the group when not on the field of battle.
Once they arrive at the Tower and since it seems to the Team that Steve has strangely checked out mentally even though his body continues to be running on autopilot, Tony decides to take charge and informs everyone to get cleaned up, that he is going to order food and then they were all going to watch some movies to decompress and put the day behind them. Everyone thought the idea was great and very much needed so with a round of appreciative 'thanks Tony' from everyone they all separate and head off to their own rooms desperately wanting to wash the evidence of the day off their skin and out of their minds.
It was about an hour later before the Team began to reemerge from their rooms and gather in the communal kitchen with growling stomachs, freshly scrubbed faces and washed hair to begin rummaging through the containers of food that were delivered curtesy of Tony and Jarvis. Everyone had arrived that is except Steve, Bruce and Thor are the first to notice their missing leader.
The Team gathered around the table as they moved the containers of food, plates, drinks and silverware to the table when Tony now notices Steve's absence as well and can't help but ask, "Anyone talk to Steve and why we are waiting for his Star Spangle ass to get up here?"
Clint and Natasha share a side eye look with each other that has always made Tony crazy with their silent communication spy thing that they do. Tony huffs as he rolls his eyes at them and mumbles under his breath about bug spray for spiders and birdseed.
"We do not believe that Son of Rogers has emerged from his chambers as of yet" Thor comments trying hard not to dig into the delicious smelling food in front of him as his stomach lets out a rather loud grumble.
"Jarvis, locate the Captain" Tony calls out impatiently as he too is getting quite hungry.
"Sir, Captain Rogers has not moved from his position in the shower for the last hour and ten minutes"
The table freezes the food and their hunger forgotten.
"What?!" Tony yells out confused as everyone rises from the table and makes a mad dash to the elevator.
"Steve's floor Jarvis quickly" Tony orders
"Of course sir" Jarvis replies as the elevator descends rapidly.
"Did you see any injuries" Bruce asks no one in particular.
"He seemed fine, just more quiet than normal maybe a bit jumpy on the flight home but that could be simple post battle fatigue" Natasha answers.
As the elevator arrives at Steve's floor the doors open allowing the Team to filter out and are now standing in front of his apartment door. Tony, not one to care about protocol or personal space when someone is in a possible meltdown situation and how quickly it can spiral to dark places from his personal experience, grabs the door handle to walk into Steve's quarters only to discover it is locked. Natasha and Clint do their silent conversation thing again, which Tony notices and huffs at them with an exasperated eye roll. Steve never locks his door since moving into the Tower everyone know that, especially Tony since he would randomly visit with Cap to drag him down to the lab when he's having a long science binge or just to talk about random things even slowly broaching the subject of Howard but it was to touchy of a subject for both men so had agreed to stay away from it and that worked for them.
"Jarvis unlock the door" Tony requests.
"Apologies sir but Captain Rogers has implemented lockdown Alpha Double O Seven" Jarvis replies.
"What the hell is that" Bruce asks when he hears Clint snort and turns hard eyes on him, "this is not a laughing matter Clint"
Clint straightens up as his face goes blank at Bruce's remark, "of course not doc, but the double O seven is kind of telling….him and I have been watching Bond films lately…he seemed to really enjoy them specially the original ones with Sean Connery."
Thor huffs at the senseless delay as he holds his hand out for Mjolnir, which quickly appears as he is worried about his friend and shield brother and moves to strike down Steve's door to the shock and now quickly moving Team mates. Everyone moves at once to stop Thor, "Whoa there Sparky let's not break my tower today okay" Tony says standing in front of Steve's door before Thor could deliver a thundering blow. Clint grins, Bruce nervously wrings his hands and Natasha silently observes it all with a blank face.
"Jarvis, override Alpha double O seven, use code 3.14159"
"Of course sir" Jarvis replies as everyone hears the lock retract from the door, not sure what to expect when they carefully file into the apartment.
"Pi Tony, really" Bruce say rolling his eyes at his friend as Tony just shrugs his shoulders giving him a cheeky wink.
The apartment, like all the others for the Team, included a small kitchenette with a basic table and chairs, a living room with a main and smaller spare bedroom all furnished of course was quiet and eerily dark with the shades drawn shut and only the overhead light above the stove on, the only sound to be heard was the muffled shower running.
The Team cautiously made their way through the apartment, noticing Steve's usual militarily organization and neatness of his living space is now laying in a hap hazard mess of books, papers that have clearly been ripped from Steve's sketch book, couch cushions ripped apart with their stuffing hang out or on the floor and oddly enough it looks as though he hurled the boots from his uniform at the wall several times leaving noticeable dents in the wall. Tony would be pissed if not for his worry and concern for his friend wasn't pushing him to get to Steve immediately, fearing the worse.
Progressing further into the apartment, they enter Steve's bedroom and again notice the chaos from the living room apparently travelled it into the bedroom as well. The mattress was pushed off the frame and the sheets were torn off along with the bedside lamp looked like it was flung against the wall laying shattered on the floor. The Team, very aware that Steve may not be able to control his strength in his condition brace themselves for whatever is behind the bathroom door now clearly hearing the shower running and nothing else. Tony looks over to Bruce noticing he is biting his lip trying to keep his stress down so the other guy doesn't show up as that is the last thing they need right now and gives Bruce a nod in understanding.
Tony knocks on the door not wanting to barge in and get an eye full of Rogers, "Steve"
No answer.
Tony tries again knocking a little harder, "Steve you okay in there, we're all kind of freaking out and worried about you bud, don't want you getting all wrinkly and water logged" Tony says jokingly hoping for some snide comeback from Steve. Their friendship was strained in the beginning with Loki and New York, but now Tony considers him a friend and though he would never admit it to anybody, he kind of sees Steve as a little brother that needs help and guidance once in a while and he is well aware of the other Team members feeling the same way.
Thor was done waiting and not caring if Steve was stark naked as the day of his birth, he was going in to check on his shield brother. He lost one brother he refuses to lose another; he would apologize later if Steve is unhurt and not in distress. Thor opens the door to the bathroom, only to be hit by a billowing cloud of steam and moisture as it rolls out engulfing the entire Team covering them with a fine mist of water droplets.
Tony and Thor enter the bathroom and move quickly to the glass shower stall which thankfully they did not see any damage to, but unable to see inside due to the steam. Thor pulls the door open and stands in shock at what he finds as Tony ducks his head around Thor's massive frame to see Steve still in his uniform minus his boots and socks, sitting in the corner of the stall with his legs drawn up to his chest, arms wrapped around them and his head resting on his knees. Looking at him, Tony would think he is trying to make himself a small as possible while the scalding hot water continues to rain down on him unnoticed.
"Steve…my brother" Thor whispers thickly but receives no response.
"Jarvis turn off the water" Tony orders.
"Of course sir" Jarvis responds as the water is quickly turned off and the steam slowly begins to clear, then Tony turns to look over his shoulder to Bruce, Clint and Natasha, "find me some towels, warm clothes, socks and blankets we need to get him warm and dried off quickly"
The three scramble to find the requested items.
Clint and Natasha head back into the bedroom opening drawers to find Steve some boxers, socks and the softest pair of sweats pants and a long sleeve shirt, ironically enough the shirt that Natasha pulls out has the Avengers "A" symbol on it. They also grab two more blankets from Steve's closet to add to the bed, one is heavy wool and the other delicately quilted and laid them on the bed after they put it back on the bed frame and straighten up the sheets and blankets, ready for when they get Steve out of the shower.
Bruce returns quickly to the bathroom with an arm full of towels leaving them stacked on the bathroom sink to dry Steve off after getting him out of his now water logged uniform. Bruce, Clint and Natasha now watch as Tony and Thor carefully kneel down onto the wet tile next to Steve. Though Tony has had his share of meltdowns since his capture and torture in Afghanistan all those years ago and now more recently with falling from space through a worm hole thing he's still not good with feelings and emotions but knows he needs to find a way to break through whatever Steve is seeing right now. Thor a warrior for many lifetimes is also familiar with this, either from his own experiences or that of his men and fellow warriors on Asgard. Secretively there were many times when he and Loki were younger and less experienced at war that he would find his brother sneaking into his chambers after a horrific battle to be comforted and reassured through the dark of night.
"Steven" Thor says as he lays his hand gently on his wet head.
Steve doesn't respond but begins to shake and shiver from the temperature cooling down now that the shower was turned off and being wet.
"Brother" Thor tries again as Tony watches Steve for any movement when Steve slowly raises his head up to stare blankly at the shower wall across from him, eyes glazed over from the horror and memories only Steve can see.
The silence is heavy till a painful whisper is barely heard, "Make it stop"
"What…make what stop?" Tony asks gently trying to understand and yet again is frustratingly reminded he is not good with feelings when all he wants to do is help.
Steve turns slightly towards Thor, his eyes still glazed with his own personal horrors begging Thor to understand.
"Steven, speak plainly brother so I may vanquish what hurts you so grievously" Thor practically begs and just like that an emotional flood gate is released.
Steve reaches out and fists Thor's shirt tightly, "I can hear them…all of them…the screams...b-begging for their lives….begging for d-death" Steve sobs out as he collapses onto Thor's wide chest as Tony looks over Thor's shoulder to see Bruce, Clint and Natasha standing at the shower door listening and ready to jump into action when needed.
Thor gently wraps his strong arms around Steve shaking shoulders his body still shivering with cold as he looks upon Tony then over his shoulder to the other team members.
"The battle was hard yes, but we have fought worse foes without this happening" Thor comments to the group when suddenly Natasha gasps.
Clint turns his focus on Natasha, her eyes wild as she remembers something and Clint places his hands on her shoulders, "What Nat?"
"The girl…there was a little girl he was holding when the SHEILD agents finally showed up after the battle was over…he…he wouldn't release her even though she was clearly gone…she couldn't have been more than 5 years old…he…Steve just held her close and rocked her….god how could I have missed that" Nat finishes with whisper frustrated with herself.
"Damn" Clint groans out as he runs his hands roughly down his face, "it must of triggered something, damn it" Clint growls out again.
"Tony" Bruce says trying to get his attention as everyone pictures Steve rocking the little girl.
"Tony" Bruce tries again a louder breaking the up the stillness of the group causing Tony to look up at Bruce.
"We need to get him up and out of his uniform, he may not be able to get sick but being wet and cold may trigger even more painful memories" Bruce advises Tony who gives Bruce a nod of understanding.
Ice, water and painful memories all rolled into some serious flashbacks on top of what he's already experiencing; none of it is good for Steve.
"Right" Tony says as he looks down at Steve being held to Thor's chest then back up at the Team.
"Alright people we need to get Cap stripped, dried off and redresses into dry and warm clothes, so everyone who isn't male, out" Tony states causing Natasha to squawk.
"Hey tin man he's got nothing I haven't seen before" Natasha tells Tony with a firm and offended attitude.
"Hey we know that Nat, but you know how Steve is, he would die if he knew you saw….well you know" Bruce says trying to placate Natasha.
"Fine, but only for Steve's sense of decorum and not because I have a problem understood" Natasha stated folding her arms over her chest.
"Crystal" Tony replies as he again sees Clint and Nat do their silent communication thing before she lets out a huff.
"I'll go pack up the food and bring it down here so we can at least eat and watch over him in shifts" Natasha says and then she was gone leaving the boys to tend to Steve.
"Alright boys clench up and let's get this done before Nat gets back, just not sure which end to start with" Tony says as he looks at the other male Team members.
Thor gently pulls Steve from his chest just enough to try and get his attention as he sobs have seemed to quiet down for the moment, "Steven, we need to get you dry and warm, please do not fight us brother…Lady Natasha has stepped out so it's just us men…we will be quick"
Steve does not respond but tightens his fits around Thor's shirt.
"Thor can you pick him up and take him to the bedroom, we'll get the embarrassing part done first and hope he doesn't notice" Bruce states as Thor easily stands with Steve in his arms as the four of them file out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom.
"Okay Thor just hold him up by the waist and we will get his pants off" Tony tells Thor as Tony, Bruce and Clint efficiently strip Steve of his wet uniform pants and boxer briefs, dry him with the towels Bruce carried in from the bathroom and quickly redressed Steve in his shorts and sweat pants that Clint had laid out earlier. While this was happening Thor continued to hold Steve tightly whispering to him to come back to them, fight the ghost of the past and painful memories, his friends are here waiting for him only to receive painful sobs in response along with a name, "Bucky".
Tony's head snapped up upon hearing it, "Damn"
"What?" Bruce asks.
"That was his best friend from childhood that he lost by inches from train on his last mission before he went into the ice, my Dad told me that story like a hundred times, he said Steve was inconsolable even by him or Peggy"
Clint and Bruce finished getting Steve's pants pulled up so Thor could sit him down on the bed still supporting his body as the worked together to get the upper part of his uniform off, this process was a little harder has Steve was more aware and less helpful.
"Steve, buddy we're almost done, come on work with us" Tony whispers to Steve as he final get the remaining part of the uniform off and Bruce and Clint get him dried off and the warm shirt pulled over his head, arms pulled through and down to cover this chest and stomach. Tony takes one of the smaller towels and begins rubbing Steve's hair dry leaving it fluffy and Steve undeniably cute and ruffled. By the time Natasha returns to the apartment with the food from upstairs, has it stored in Steve's refrigerator or laid out on his kitchen counter the boys have Steve redressed including warm thick socks and laying on the bed curled up on his side under a pile of blankets with Thor next to him leaning on the head board with Tony sitting in a chair next to the bed facing him and Clint and Bruce sitting at the end of the bed keeping watch and standing guard of their Captain, friend and brother.
Natasha slipped in quietly and lightly crawls into the space between Clint and Bruce on the bed.
Tony notices Steve squeezing his eyes closed trying hard to fight off the memories that are still so fresh to him, the War only recently ended for him when he hears someone calling his name.
"Buck...Bucky…I'm s-so s-sorry" Steve whimpers out feeling someone gently carding their hand through his hair.
"Steven, come back to us little brother" Thor coos to him.
They all continued to sit quietly like this for a while, trading off when someone needed to eat or use the bathroom. During Bruce's turn he picked up Steve's soggy uniform and towels to take them into the bathroom and sling them over a couple of towel racks to start drying out before heading into the kitchen to put together a plate for himself and a plate for Thor as he refuses to leave Steve's side.
In the third hour Steve seems to start to come back to the present and notices Tony sitting next to his bed, Stark IPad in hand and something large and warm was positioned behind his back.
"Tony" Steve whispered.
Tony startled and nearly drops his IPad before leaning over towards the bed, "hey buddy you back"
Tony watches as Steve's eyes filled with tears, "she was so young...innocent….I…I couldn't"
"We know Steve" Bruce says quietly as he pats Steve's foot that is next to him.
Steve squeezes his eye shut again, chin trembling trying to control is breathing, "it wasn't always Hydra camps we raided, but we thought they were t-till we got there…."
Clint's only response was to run his hands over his face and up into his hair fisting it as Bruce continues to rub Steve's foot trying to keep himself calm, Natasha's face remains blank as ever.
"We didn't understand what we were seeing….bodies stacked like cords of wood...so much death you could s-smell it in the air….the smoke stacks pumping thick ash….we were breathing it in….oh god…there was a mother and a little girl….just...just" Steve has to stop to let the sobs take over again as he gasps for breath, choking on the memory.
Thor does not understand the references of which Steve speaks but can clearly see from his fellow comrades and Steve's reactions this was something dark and evil. Thor maneuvers Steve as he once did to Loki so long ago and places Steve to sit between his legs still curled up on his side but leans him back onto his chest and wraps his arms around him.
"War is a dark and evil thing my brother led by dark and evil men, especially for a man like yourself who wants to only see the good of people in the world" Thor tells Steve.
It takes Steve a few minutes but finally quiets down a bit, "not blind or stupid"
Tony smirks at Steve hoping he has turned the corner on this rather horrible episode into the past.
"We know that Steve, doesn't stop you from fight the good fight each and every time does it" Natasha comments.
Steve looks over at Tony then down at the end of the bed for the first time noticing he is surrounded by his Team, friends and family in the here and now.
"Everything is still so fresh, thought I was doing better….but the little girl today…..just brought it all rushing back…..sorry" Steve whispers out.
"Steven, you have nothing to ask forgiveness for, these are the burdens of many warriors of many realms" Thor tells Steve who now realizes he is being held by Thor.
The room falls into silence once more till a rather loud growl of hunger is heard from Steve's stomach causing him to blush darkly and hide his face in Thor's shoulder. Tony smiles warmly at Steve while everyone else chuckles and smirks.
"A big birdy mentioned you have been watching the James Bond movies, how about we move out to the living room, we can lay out the food and curl up on the couch with the blankets, we were planning on doing that anyway" Tony informed Steve hoping to draw him further out of his memories.
"Maybe something less violent Tony, maybe Disney or Pixar" Bruce recommended.
"Hmm, what do you think Legolas" Tony asks smirking at Clint as they all hear a breathy chuckle come from Steve.
"Hmm...Finding Nemo should be safe enough it's one of my favorites, what do you guys think" Clint asks.
"Who is this Nemo and why must they be found" Thor asks.
"Come on Thor, let's go get the living room set up and the food put out and I will tell you about Nemo and why he must be found" Bruce tells Thor as he gently releases Steve to scoot out from behind him and joins Bruce as they walk out of the bedroom. Clint and Natasha leave next stating they will get Jarvis to queue up the movie and the living room straighten up, leaving Tony and Steve.
Steve sits up slowly and swings his legs over the edge of the bed, "Tony"
Tony holds up a hand to stop him, "No…don't even say it Cap, god knows you have helped me plenty of times through my panic attacks and meltdowns, we're hero's it's kind of what we do, we protect, save and support people even if it's one of our own"
"Thank you" Steve whispers.
"So you ready to get fed and comfortable for movie time, I must tell you big bird picked a good one, maybe we can start you on your Disney/Pixar movie education now" Tony tells Steve with a mischievous grin.
Tony and Steve, still wrapped in blankets, emerge from the bedroom to find the living room back in order, multiple containers of food and drinks are laid out on his coffee table surrounded by his Team, his family.
Steve remembers telling Fury that day in the gym not so long ago, 'They say we won, they never say what we lost' Steve lost so much, his wounds and pain still fresh but here now surrounded by new friends and growing family, Steve can remember and honor his past while keeping his promise to be a good man in the present.
The end
A/N: Hope you enjoyed and sen the writer a Review….
**If you suffer with PTSD or a mental health issues don't be ashamed but be brave and seek help like I did for my crippling anxiety that had this writer going to very dark places**.