"I love you!"
Max looked up from his newspaper and was for the first time this morning really looking at Leo. That this wasn't exactly a good morning everybody would have been able to tell in a heartbeat, but Leo initially held his breath.
He waited. For a reaction. For Max to move. For something…
Max on the other hand, raised on eyebrow at him and turned his head again towards the papers, grabbing his coffee mug with one hand and taking a swig casually.
"So you finally admit it?" he asked indifferently without even looking at him anymore.
Leo let his head sink and sighed, closing his eyes for just a moment.
It was no secret that there was something that bothered him about all this. About admitting something he knew he would be heavily judged for. About something society saw as a disease… About living with a man. He'd always known it was going to be hard. Maybe sometimes even cruel. Hell, Roger and Carmen had warned him about the nasty parts a lot, but somehow they had always stood behind them anyways.
But then, this was the great big problem here, wasn't it? He'd always believed it to be a "we". He'd thought they were in this together when they'd found out there was a little more between them and had agreed to do this.
But Max remained silent.
As always.
And it wasn't like he had never said it back. He had.
Leo knew he mustn't doubt this was a mutual thing, but if he thought about it more exactly, he had to admit it became harder when there was seemingly only one part in a duo to stand fully behind a relationship. And wasn't this supposed to be what kills something good in the end?
He didn't quite know. But he knew he tried hard to let Max know about whatever was crossing his mind and share. Sometimes the older guy would react in a very Max-way; grunting and making a dirty little joke; and sometimes they would sit all day cracking up about it by only looking at each other.
And sometimes Max refused to acknowledge this was the timid attempt to somehow feel that bond they shared a little more; even though he knew. No doubt of it.
But hearing those three little words was something Leo needed from time to time. Whether this was pathetic or childish or whether he was codependant or not, he didn't know; he didn't care and he didn't want to know. But he'd always believed it was something normal to say to one another.
Leo shook his head and quickly brushed his hair out of his face before he got up and put the dishes in the kitchen sink without another word.
Max observed him silently, raising one eyebrow as Leo -a little too aggressively- threw the kitchen towel on top of the pile of plates and cups.
"Alright!" Max said then, causing Leo to turn around. "What is it?"
"Nothing" Leo answered silently, not looking his way. "I'm going to bed!"
Max followed him but did not dare to say anything else. Whenever there was something in the air; or in this case something definitely bugging his partner; it was plain to see in his every actions.
Yet, he could never really tell what the problem was now. Leo had the tendency to wrap himself in silence whenever he was hurt by something, like he did with this idiotic blanket of his.
He folded his papers and got up too.
He walked over to the huge balcony windows and crossed his arms.
Whenever Leo got something like this, he knew - he simply knew - it must have something to do with him. Leo would tell otherwise. But how was he supposed to guess?
"I love you!"
Max jeered, thinking about this again.
Why did he always say stuff like that out of the blue? And what the heck was he supposed to answer? He wasn't the kind to show off affections too easily or as obviously as Leo did. He wasn't like that. And he would never get why this mattered at all.
After all, he was living with him. The people around them knew. All the others were guessing anyway. So there was no need to constantly dance around each other, cooing sweet little nothings into each other's ears and going full 'DeBris'. He didn't wanna be a glittering fairy. They weren't like them. They never would and he wasn't anticipating it.
Once more he sighed and let himself fall onto the leather couch.
This was gonna be a stressful night. Not only did he know perfectly well, he wasn't supposed to join Leo now (which meant a painful crack in the neck in the morning); No, he also knew he would wonder about this for the next few hours - no matter if he wanted to or not. A little annoying thing his head did recently and which he was convinced never to let Leo see.
He listened to the noises coming from outside and watched the lights of the windows in the building next to them. Sometimes people would pass them and Max could clearly see their silhouettes, wondering from time to time if they had to deal with this kind of stuff as well. How on earth did people manage this? Why does no one ever talk about this being what makes everything a pain in the ass?
And as his thoughts took wings, the lights blurred out more and more and the little voice in his head became louder than every noise around him. He tried to focus still until that point where he couldn't even sort his own thoughts anymore and slowly drifted into a deep sleep.
"Max! MAX!"
He felt like having closed his eyes only a few minutes ago when he started up, tearing them open just once more only to look into Leo's face.
"What is it?" he mumbled, still dizzy from the tiredness and the short moment of resting. "Someone wants money?"
"We're gonna be late," Leo answered, looking a bit worried but his voice still sounded a lot calmer than usually, just as if he wanted to be careful not to be too loud when Max wasn't really fully awake yet.
"Late?"
Max looked around.
The morning sun was already shining through the window and the long shadows of the furnishings were cast through the office in even stripes.
Little particles of dust glittered in the sunlight and the typical Manhattan morning traffic could be heard from outside. Leo stood in front of him fully dressed as well.
"Shit!" Max literally jumped out from under the blanket he'd pulled over his body somewhere that night and tumbled to the bathroom more than he ran. "Why the hell didn't you wake me earlier?"
"I wasn't aware you were still sleeping," Leo answered calmly, looking after his partner.
"Well, I didn't even notice how late it is," Max screamed back breathlessly, rushing through the bathroom and changing into his suit while brushing his teeth in a hurry. But just as he spat out the water he's been gargling with and wiped his face once more with a towel, his sleeve caught the edge of the nearest shelve there and made his hurried routine come to stop in a loud crash. HIs arm got caught there too and his whole body whirled around, tearing down the shelve and everything on it in a noisy crash and almost hurrying Max underneath it. He cursed before he found himself on the bathroom floor again.
"Oh my god, are you alright?" Leo jumped by his side. Within a second he heaved the shelf off of Max's back and pulled him gently out from underneath the debris of the former bathroom utensils. "Are you? Max!"
Max rubbed his neck though and felt pretty annoyed by this question suddenly, opening one eye to glare at Leo.
"Apart from being trapped under here, and maybe suffering from broken bones, and embarrassment beyond what I'm capable of handling….I'm dandy, why do you ask?" he answered then. But when he got nothing back than a confused look from Leo and an immediate blush in his cheeks, he shook his head; more to himself though. Nothing was broken and he could move everything perfectly. Good! So why standing here longer than necessary anyway?
"Come on," he said then, almost running out of the bathroom into the office again and straight to the door as he caught his coat on the way.
He was almost at the door when he noticed Leo wasn't moving a bit. In fact, he was just standing there, looking after him with a straight face.
"Bloom, we'll be late!" Max reinforced once more, waving his hands about.
But Leo's eyes only grew wider. It took him a moment to really breathe in, but as he did Max felt that little nagging voice appearing inside again and it told him; nay, literally screamed at him; he had done something very wrong right now.
"What?" Max asked again. "Come on! Don't dawdle!"
"Bloom?" Leo asked without moving once muscle.
"Yes….as in…your name?!" Max replied a little annoyed. "Could we maybe postpone the discussion of whatever you wanna call yourself now and move?"
"When have we gone back to last names?"
"Oh, god damn it, Leo!" Max rolled his eyes. "Whatever is going on in your head right now, can't this wait? You can tell me what to call you after that meeting!"
Leo took a deep breath as if he wanted to reply but bit his tongue immediately. He stared at his feet for a moment and then straightened up and walked past Max and out of that door. Max shook his head at this and followed him, letting the door fall shut in a noisy click.
"So what is it that is bugging you today?"
They were standing on 42nd street waiting for a cab to arrive, but apparently at this time of the day it was sheer impossible. The streets were crowded and noisy and every other person next to them was trying the exact same thing it seemed. Maybe that half an hour missing was the reason because getting a cab at this time of the day was something they usually avoided.
"You actually have to ask?" Leo stood next to him, his arms crossed and he looked straight ahead, seemingly deep in thoughts.
"Is it about this name thing again?" Max rolled his head again. "Listen, I'm sorry. But you know…old habits hardly die. I won't use it again!"
Leo didn't respond.
"Or do you wanna be called something else now?" Max tried to joke. Maybe this was gonna help a bit. "Hung around Debris too much again? I mean their affinity to weird names must have caught your attention some day!"
Now, Leo reacted.
He whirled around, looking furious. Max instinctively backed away a little. What was this now? They usually joked about Roger and his team every now and then together, but obviously this was a little too much for him right now. Maybe it was that hint of comparison with the queerest couple imaginable… So, in the end he must notice how different they were from them, mustn't he?
"Leo… What the heck?" He let his arms fall. "Can't you see I'm trying here?"
"Well, I can't do this anymore!" Leo answered a little louder now.
"What?" Max teared his eyes wide open. Surely, he didn't mean ….THIS? He couldn't! "Leo…."
"Max, when I first met you, I knew this was something special," Leo looked at him now from the corners of his eyes. "I knew this was some once-in-a-lifetime thing. I never expected it to turn out to be this much more to me, but…"
"But what?"
"But…," Leo sighed and finally let his arms fall as well. He closed his eyes for a second. "But… It seems I am the one always trying… and…. Max?"
"Yes?"
Max felt goosebumps appear on his arms when Leo looked up to him again and almost gave the impression of starting to get emotional. Very, very emotional. In broad daylight. In front of everybody else passing them.
"Oh God, you're not gonna cry, are you?" Max whispered. "Please don't do this here!"
Leo looked at him uncomprehendingly for a split second and then simply shook his head, averting his eyes again and letting his head sink.
"Why can't you love me back?" he whispered nigh inaudible.
"I…what?" Max didn't think he'd heard right.
But Leo took another deep breath and straightened up again, turning to him with a broad -and obviously very overacted- smile.
"You know," he said then. "Let's walk. It's only five blocks anyway and we're never gonna get a cab now anyway."
Thus he turned and started his way down the street and past the tourists and thousands of people heading somewhere too. And just for a second, Max swore he saw the sunlight glittering in a small tear running down Leo's cheeks.
They walked down the long narrow streets without a word having been spoken. Leo took huge steps; very unusual for him.
Max walked next to him a long as he could keep track. Sometimes it was pretty hard, which was also unusual cause Leo was normally not the kind of guy to stroll ahead of anyone. And all the time he wondered how to set this right. If only he knew what the exact problem was here. He wasn't even certain he heard Leo's question right. So, why on earth would he be like this now?
"Would you please stop for a second?" he tried to stop him somehow. This was going to be a problem for this very important meeting. He could tell. Not only did his mind still linger around what Leo had said but also he knew perfectly well how tense Leo could get and how he was rarely able to hide personal feelings in his job. "Leo!"
And then, a little to his surprise, Leo actually stopped. A few feet away from him, okay. But he stopped.
"Now listen…erm..," Max started, trying his very best to sound at least a bit remorseful. The only trouble was, Leo could always tell when he was putting on a show. Only difference was…he was sorry. Although he didn't know what exactly he had done, he was very positive he in fact HAD done something. And he didn't want Leo to feel bad. Not at all. "Leo…I'm sorry. I am. I just…I didn't mean to upset you…"
"Max?" Leo finally turned and their eyes met. "Say….do you believe in love at first sight?"
"What?"
Of all the things he'd expected, this definitely wasn't on the list. What was he supposed to say to this?
"I er…," he stuttered. "Your mental leaps are pretty hard to follow, you know that right?"
"Answer the question!"
Leo didn't let him out of sight and something in his eyes burned right through Max that moment. He simply knew this was gonna be more serious than before.
Max sighed and let his arms fall. "No!" he answered, watching Leo took another breath and raising his eyebrows. "You know me! I don't. But I believe in hating everyone who does!"
He laughed a bit but when he noticed Leo didn't find this funny in the slightest, he half swallowed this tiny giggle and let his head sink.
"Leo…I don't know why you are expecting now," he said. "Could we please set this right somehow before something happens that will disrupt the both of us from what is important now?"
"And what's that?" Leo crossed his arms once more. "Work? Money? Yet another deal?"
"Well….yes," Max answered. "That's why we're here after all aren't we?"
Leo smiled for a second. A smile which gave Max goosebumps if he was honest.
"Leo?" he started carefully, trying to reach out for him. But Leo pulled away quickly, stepping back a little.
"I can't…;" Leo whispered back.
"You can't what?"
"I can't do this anymore," Leo answered, looking away and stroking through his hair once. "I cannot act as though all this means nothing. You definitely are letting me down here."
"What? What the hell are you talking about?"
"I know you hate being compared to others," Leo went on, ignoring Max's question. "And I know for certain you want everything but being in one line with Roger and Carmen… But don't you think a little proof of affection is necessary here?"
Max just stared at him, not knowing what to say.
"You knew what you were getting into," he managed to answer after what seemed like an eternity.
Leo waited. For a terribly long while. For something to follow this…
But when nothing came, he nodded once and looked away again.
"Yeah… I just forgot," he said and turned to move on.
"Leo…LEO," Max yelled, but his attention was caught by someone screaming next to them.
"HOLD THEM!"
They turned.
Two guys were running down the street, followed by some people. They were obviously trying to get away rather quickly. And squinting his eyes a little, Max could make out why.
One of them was carrying something that looked like a bag. The kind of bag he probably wouldn't have worn as a normal guy. The other was carrying a piece of cloth in his hands and Max held his breath when the comparison with a face mask immediately crossed his mind. The guy looked around in panic more than once and finally fumbled for something around his belt. He pulled once and had a silvery gun in his hands, pointing at the followers behind him.
"Holy…," Max instinctively ducked down. Something like this was the last thing they needed this horrible morning.
He heard a shot, but people were still screaming all around them to get out of the way. So they probably had missed.
The only thing Max thought about that moment was to duck away though. And in one second only he remembered Leo being a bit ahead of him and whirled around. Where was he?
His eyes scanned his immediate surroundings.
There was no sight of him anywhere.
Max slowly began to panic slightly… His breath became faster and that weird gut feeling appeared, he would recognize any time: fear…
"Leo," he whispered and carefully stood up; afraid his knees wouldn't let him. His head whirled around once more. To the left and to the right. Those guys were so close. And with just one jump, he managed to get out of the way of them as they ran past him. His eyes followed them; his mouth was open in shock.
And then he saw him.
He had come to a halt and obviously had noticed the noises behind him.
He stood directly in their way though.
"LEO!" Max heard himself scream before the first guy knocked him over and ran ahead. Leo lay on the street now and quickly twined himself to the side. The second guy stopped though for a second and in panic pointed that gun at the man in his way: Leo….
Max's eyes widened but he couldn't see a thing, being still on the ground. All he heard was that terrible, petrifying, dreadful bang which echoed through the narrow streets.
And then it became silent.
Terribly deafeningly silent…
Max got up from the ground and just as if his feet developed a life of their own he started to move. Towards something he couldn't quite grasp yet. Slowly at first… then fast and faster, until he was running faster than ever before in his life; stumbling once or twice but he didn't care in the slightest.
When he reached Leo, he stared at the picture in front of him endlessly; as if something was forcing him to memorize this for all eternity. He felt like not being able to breathe anymore. And when it felt like everything around him was crashing down on him without a way to escape, his feet gave in and he slowly sank to the ground.
He saw Leo lying there, not moving anymore. Not smiling, not arguing. In fact hardly breathing…
"Oh my god," Max managed to squeak. "Leo…"
He took his head in his hands as carefully as possible and gently pulled him closer to himself.
"Leo… please," only a mere whisper escaped his mouth now. "Say something! Please, oh Go. Just talk to me!"
He heard a soft moan as Leo tried to turn his head a little in his direction. Max inhaled sharply when he saw into those brown eyes, who despite everything looked at him in the most loving way possible.
"Max," he whispered, while a thin line of blood ran down his temples.
"Don't! Don't move," Max whispered back, when his grip on the younger man tightened and he could hardly see clearly anymore through the tears in his eyes. They just kept on coming and he couldn't do anything against even if he had tried. "I got you. It's gonna be okay. Everything will be fine…!"
Leo lifted the corner of his mouth into a slight smile and coughed once.
"Hey," he whispered then. "It is okay. You can let go."
"What are you talking about?" Max almost screamed now, getting more and more desperate, but never letting go of Leo. "I will call for help. Just, please…stay awake. Stay here with me!"
"It hurts…"
"I know it does, but…," Max swallowed hard. His tears were dripping down his chin now. "But you have to stay awake!"
Leo looked him straight in the eyes but still it felt more like he was looking right through him. He seemed tired. So incredibly tired. And he was so close to falling into unconsciousness. It was plain to see. Yet, he smiled.
"Please, forgive me," he whispered.
Max shook his head though. "There is nothing to forgive…"
"I'm sorry I always ruin everything," Leo whispered and pressed his head closer to Max's chest.
"You never once ruined anything," Max cried, his voice sounding so unlike himself he wouldn't have recognized it. But all he could think of was this man in front of him. The one friend he never thought he'd get. His partner. His life. Which was about to leave him. "You were right. Always right. But please, don't close your eyes. They will be here in a minute and help you. It will be alright. Don't close your eyes. Please!"
But Leo lifted his head a tiny bit more and raised his shivering hand until he was able to touch Max's, which was holding on to him so fondly.
And although it seemed time stood still that moment, Leo's eyes faded slowly and, without losing his smile, his eyes fell shut. His brown hair fell softly in his face as his head snuggled even closer to Max.
With his eyes growing to a new dimension, Max observed this; inhaling deeply.
"No…," he whispered, shaking the young man softly once or twice until his fear became a certainty. "NO!"
And without a warning he pulled him up to himself and flung his arms around his lifeless body; never to let go of him again.
"You're ok. Breathe. Just breathe. Open our eyes. Come back. It's ok. It's over now. You're ok. Wake up. Please wake up. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. I love you so much…Come back!"
But he got no response…
Only the people around him stared and didn't dare to move. Not that Max had noticed them. All he wanted to do is hold Leo as close to himself as possible. Closer than ever before. And he wanted this to be the last thing he ever remembered.
The sun had wandered over the long street already and hit the two of them in a warm light when in the distance a nearing ambulance could be heard…
It was then Max startled.
The sun shone in his face, making it impossible to see anything at first.
Usually he would have blocked it out by holding a hand over his face, but he wasn't able to move. Not a bit. It took him several minutes to even get where he was.
He looked around with wide eyes; breathing heavily. And what was this?
Tears were running down his face. When he touched it, he noticed in surprise.
He could hear the familiar noises coming from outside through the windows. He felt the familiar leather of that couch surrounding him everywhere and he smelled the old wood in the office like never before.
He held his breath though and whirled around, listening closely for a sound. Any sound. Anything coming from the bedroom at the end of the long corridor.
Nothing.
And suddenly he needed to get up. It was like something was pulling him towards that room. He moved so quickly and was half astounded he was able to move his legs again, that he got entangled in the blanket he had used for a second and almost fell down that couch. But he was able to brace himself on the ground and was on his feet in no time again.
In huge steps he ran down the corridor and literally slammed open the bedroom door, freezing in the frame.
Leo sat upright in the bed. The noise must have woken him obviously. He looked a little uncomprehending at his partner, and shook his head only a second later.
"What the hell is this about?" he asked a little pissed.
Max couldn't answer though.
He felt his jaw drop and didn't believe what he was seeing there.
"Oh, go away," Leo waved his arm at him and turned around, falling back into the pillow and pulling the blanket up over his shoulders again. "It's too early to deal with your shit right now… And I am still angry at you!"
But Max, not being able to grasp all this, slowly moved over to the bed and carefully sat down on the edge, never letting Leo out of sight. It caused the younger man to turn to him under his blanket again though.
"Max?" he asked then, noticing something was extremely wrong here. He braced himself up and looked worried all of a sudden. "Are you okay? Did something happen?"
Max raised his hand though and softly touched Leo's cheek, stroking it once or twice. The younger man looked even more confused now, but didn't pull away.
"Er…What is it?" he managed to ask after a moment, obviously not sure whether to ask anything at all.
Max shook his head slowly and felt those tears coming again.
Within a heartbeat he wrapped his arms around Leo and pulled him into a bear hug.
"Ok," Leo mumbled into his shoulder, half squeezed between his shoulder and Max's cheek. "Now I'm certain something's up!"
"I'm sorry," Max managed to say with a hoarse voice then, not letting go of him. "I'm sorry, I didn't notice. I'm sorry I've wasted so much time ignoring this so long. You were right!"
"Right?"
Finally he let go of him and moved a bit away from him, but still had his shoulders in his hands. Max looked into Leo's eyes then. And he couldn't suppress a smile.
Leo looked at him more surprised now, noticing the tear which were running down his partners face for the first time. This was definitely new.
And then, Max nodded.
"Yes, right," he answered. Day after day, year after year he had said nothing of his affection.
"I love you," he whispered then, fighting the urge to look down again.
Leo inhaled sharply but only a second later fell into his arms as well.
This was a feeling Max never wanted to miss again. Something he simply needed every single day for the rest of his life.
"I love you," he repeated silently, clinging closer to his partner.
He heard Leo jeer slightly…
"I don't know what happened here," he said softly. "But I'm glad you finally admit it."
~The end~
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