"Fucks sake Naruto, you're being difficult," Sasuke said.
Besides him was Naruto Uzumaki, shaking his hand so hard that his already shitty soldering job was creating shorts left and right. The awful fumes of burnt plastic and hair attacked Sasuke's nose like a wasp's nest.
"Be? Difficult? I find it extremely ironic that you're saying that to me," Naruto said, creating yet another short on his board. On his way to put the iron back into place, he burned his hand and cursed out loud.
"I find it ironic that you're wearing a hoodie that reads: "Pros Don't Talk Shit" yet you're being a pussy. Seriously?! Just open the fucking email. It takes three seconds and you and I know for a fact that you got in."
The date was March 29th; the day that the University that Sasuke and Naruto wanted to go to since they began highschool sent out their round of acceptance emails. Someone screamed that they were accepted a mere half hour ago, and almost instantly, everyone was turning to their phones and laptops to check if they had made it in or not.
Sasuke casually opened his email and shrugged after he read his acceptance letter.
Naruto however, was absolutely refusing to read it. What a stubborn bitch.
"I'm not opening it until I get home. And even then, I'm not opening it," Naruto said.
"Right. Suit yourself, you can continue to fuck up your board for the next hour. Your hand is less steady than my ex-girlfriend's overclocked vibrator, by the way," Sasuke said, turning his back to him and focusing on his part of the project.
"Do you know what the worst part of wishing is, Sasuke? It's knowing that it won't come true," Naruto whispered, burning through a wire on accident, black smoke filling his lungs and head. "I'd rather see your ex's dildo collection than my inbox right now."
For the next hour, Naruto continued to mutter to himself incoherently.
Xxx
Even during their Calculus test, Naruto continued to jitter like crazy. He was never the brightest bulb of the bunch, but even so, his teacher would have a difficult time trying to decipher Naruto's hieroglyphics that could match the Egyptians in terms of illegibility. Noticing this, Sasuke could do nothing but exhale deeply and give him a few pokes of encouragement. Unfortunately, being the sharp hawk, their teacher yelled at them for "trying to cheat".
Going into lunch, Naruto's nerves did not get any better. The caf was loud and chaotic as usual, but unusually, Naruto was not adding to the chaos. Usually he'd start a food fight or launch himself across a table or two, but today, he was eating his lunch quietly like a tame little doggy.
Sasuke had enough. He attempted to wriggle Naruto's phone out of his hand, but with inhuman speed and reaction, Naruto's phone disappeared into his pocket the moment Sasuke's hand moved towards it.
"Okay, let's break it down. Worst possible scenario: You get rejected and you go to our second choice Uni, which is also world-class, instead of our first. Not gonna happen, but it's not the end of the world," Sasuke said, consoling his friend with a hand on his shoulder.
The blond simply continued to stare at his orange juice with his thousand-yard stare. "I'll embrace death's merciful bosom and throw myself off the Walmart."
"You're being a little bitch, Naruto. You literally asked out the hottest girl in our school three days in a row and yet you lack the balls to take a peek at an email that will stay static that you will have to open eventually," Sasuke exasperated, taking a bite out of his lunch. "Jesus christ, this cheese tastes about as real as the chef's orgasms, and the last time I checked, she was cheating on him with the principle."
"Well Sasuke-"
Before Naruto could fully reply, a couple of gangster-esq bois that Sasuke instantly recognized approached Naruto. Clearly, they had sensed that he was not his usual self, and were attempting to take advantage of it. Sasuke groaned to himself as they gave Naruto a small nudge.
"What's up bitch-boy?"
The "Leader" of the group pushed Naruto a bit harder this time. Normally, this would be enough to start a fight, but Naruto's current situation had him stunned. Naruto could smell the boy approaching due to the amount of B.O. that attacked his nose, but he made no movement to face him or deal with him.
"Why do I smell something like the rotting semen of a deceased 74 year old? Oh… it's you, Jesse," Sasuke said.
"How's your girl, Sas-gay?" asked Jesse.
"Considering that she chose to cheat on me with the guy that needs viagra to last them more than their fucked up 3-second attention span, she ain't my girl anymore, asshat," Sasuke replied, a small frown starting to form on his face.
"What can I say, if you wanna get in her, all you gotta do is pay for dinner."
"Does your asshole get jealous with the amount of shit that comes out of your fucking mouth?"
"I don't know, let me ask Naruto," Jesse said, pouring miso soup on his head.
Before Sasuke could react, Naruto used his inhuman speed to reverse-suplex Jesse over the caf table.
"Alright, bitch, you can hassle me, but after you fucked my boy's girl, I ain't letting you get off that easily," Naruto said. For a moment, he seemed to have completely forgotten about his university dilemma.
Sasuke sighed. Just another day at his school, he thought to himself, as Naruto grabbed a chair and smashed it across the faces of three boys at the same time and proceeded to smash its legs into two boy's testicles. Blood starting pooling around their groin as Naruto removed their abilities to reproduce.
Sasuke initially planned to stay out of the fight, but when Jesse grabbed his head and pulled him forward, smashing his face into his miso soup, his previously suppressed hatred towards the boy resurfaced.
Without saying a single word, he grabbed one of his chopsticks and plunged it deep into the hand that pulled on his beautiful blue hair, impaling through his muscles and creating a pivot on his right hand. Being the son of a police officer, he easily avoided a punch coming towards him, grabbing the hand and using his body weight to pull it behind the boy.
Jesse tried to free himself to no success. He screamed, cried, and bled as the remaining boys were getting decimated by Naruto. Sasuke sat on Jesse's back with his remaining hand crushed under him.
However, using all his might, Jesse freed his right hand and threw Sasuke backwards, leaving him on the ground. Jesse proceeded to try to body slam him with his full 200 pound force, but was stopped as he felt a sting on his left foot.
"Chopsticks come in pairs, dickhead," Sasuke said, pulling back his hand to reveal that he had stuck his other chopstick into Jesse's foot.
They were sitting pretty close to the food stand, so Sasuke then grabbed his leg and swung him into the miso soup.
Jesse crashed into the huge container of soup and disappeared into the kitchen.
On the other side, Naruto had a joker-like smile on his face as he moved his arms at inhuman speeds, punching 4 guys at the same time in the solar plexus.
9 guys were left incapacitated as Jesse emerged again from the kitchen with a knife in hand.
Screaming like a beast, he lunged himself at Sasuke with murderous intent. However, at this moment, a teacher finally happened to appear to stop this chaos.
"What the HECK do you think you're doing, young man?" he asked.
"I-"
"You are in pOSSession of a conTRABAnd, and you're attacking two of the school's most pRESTIgious sTUDents, young man. Explain, Sasook!"
"I'm Sasuke. As you can see, he and his goons attacked Naruto and I with murderous intent. We simply defended ourselves. As you can see, I'm shaking in fear and I believe I will live with PTSD about this moment for the rest of my life," Sasuke said, his body perfectly still and his face and tone showing absolutely no emotion. Naruto enthusiastically nodded on the side.
"You 10, to my office nOW," said the teacher.
I'm gonna fuckin kill you, mouthed Jesse.
You do realize you're in my cumshot range, right? Sasuke mouthed back.
"Revenge is best served hot," Naruto said.
"It's best cold, not hot, dumbass," Sasuke said.
"Oh right. My bad."
"Whatever, I was going to break up with her anyway. He gave me an excuse to do it. I should thank him later lmao."
Xxxx
"So you fought 1 vs 9, and you looked like you were absolutely enjoying yourself, yet you STILL can't open that fucking email?"
Sasuke walked with his hands in his pockets as Naruto kicked a stone on the sidewalk as they headed towards their houses.
"Stop bothering me, Sasuke, I said I'll do it when I get home."
"You and I both know that unless I literally force you to press that button, you're not going to."
"H-how about I give you my phone, and when you get home, you text me the result! That way I don't know if you're being serious or not, so I won't feel too bad!" Naruto suggested, trying to rid Sasuke of these poisonous thoughts.
"How the fuck am I supposed to text you if you don't have a phone dumbass."
"Oh."
Naruto and Sasuke proceeded to descend down the hill that led to their houses. The subtle scream of children from the nearby elementary school felt oddly nostalgic, reminding them of their own days when those screams belonged to themselves.
"Why do you think the kids are screaming?"
"Probably running away from that pedophile of a math teacher."
"Didn't he get arrested?"
"kekw"
Naruto arrived home. His parents, being exemplary cops, would arrive in a few hours.
Unfortunately, those pink eyesores of running shoes that were neatly put aside near the doorway suggested to him that his annoying little sister was home.
Trying to not make his presence noticed, he tiptoed over the creaky staircase and silently entered his room.
To his surprise, Sasuke was already there, his hand closing the window. Evidently, he had climbed up the wall using his immaculate muscles.
"Must you really bother me afterschool? I had a calc test, a uni email, and a fight today; I'd like to relax," Naruto complained, collapsing on his bed.
"Until you open that email, I'm not gonna leave the room," Sasuke said.
With the most expressionless face, Naruto muttered: "My plan was to curl up into the fetus position and begin masturbating furiously to ugly bastard hentai only to open the email at the moment of my climax. That way, whatever the result, I can fully utilize my post-nut clarity to decide what to do with my life next."
"I know you're not joking, and that concerns me."
Out of spite, Naruto opened his email and hovered over the "View" button. One button away were either the words "Accepted" or "Declined".
He obviously couldn't open it himself, so Sasuke decided to "give him a hand".
"So you still have a crush on that girl in our Chem class?" Sasuke asked, trying to lower his guard.
"... Why must you do me like this," Naruto said, relaxing his muscles, making it trivially easy for Naruto to snatch the phone out of his hand.
Sasuke lunged himself onto Naruto, fully pressing his body against his and tried to wriggle the phone out of his hand. However, Naruto was the fastest guy in their school; he was able to quickly pull his hand inwards, but it was stuck between their chests now.
There was a silent knock on the door, which both boys were too distracted to notice.
"Sasuke, I swear to God if you don't get off me right now I will LITERALLY fuck you man."
"Naruto, your hand is in a really uncomfortable position for both me and you, please just let me take it out."
"I'LL LOOK AT IT WHEN I WANT TO LOOK AT IT, NOT WHEN YOU WANT ME TO LOOK AT IT MAN, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME AND I'M NERVOUS!"
"Exactly, it's your first time, so let me help you! I've done this before with myself, and it's not very hard."
The door slowly opened to Naruto's room, revealing none other than Naruto's little sister holding up her phone, recording the combined bodies of Naruto and Sasuke on the bed.
After three seconds of absolute silence, the girl tapped her phone a few times before going downstairs.
"..."
"..."
Neither of them dared to move as they heard a familiar voice yell something from downstairs.
"MOM! NARUTO IS GAY!"
Xxxxxx
"...so you aren't actually gay?" Naruto's sister asked.
"No."
The girl let out a sigh of relief. "Thank god. It'd be such a shame of Sasuke didn't have kids."
"?"
"Look at him, Naruto, he's hot as fuck."
"Stop thirsting over my best friend."
"Stop dry humping him on your bed then."
"I was not dry humping him."
"I'm still here btw."
Naruto then pulled out his phone and showed it to his sister.
"Oh yeah, by the way my University acceptance email came out today."
His sister's ears perked up. "Really? Congrats! Did you get in?"
"Nah, I got rejected."
"Oof."