Hey there!
The next chapter isn't written yet but I wanted to post this, so it might take a bit... But I swear chapter 2 will be out sooner or later!
This work is also posted on AO3!
The title is from the song "Stressed Out" by Twenty One Pilots! Having said that, enjoy!
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(The journal starts with a childish, kinda messy, handwriting)
December 16, 1906
Dear Sabito,
I really don't know what I'm suppose to write here. You basically forced me to take one of those notebooks you like so much, and 'write whatever the hell what bothering me so I could stop crying already', which means nothing when I never kept a journal in my entire life.
I don't trust this writing therapy you've been talking about. I don't see how writing can help solve anything at all, really. It's not like it'll turn back time or anything.
I'll leave everything like this for now. Maybe I'll write more if I have anything interesting to say.
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December 18, 1906
Dear Sabito,
You kept pestering me about writing, so I'm back, I guess. I hope you know I'm only writing this to shut you up.
Anyway, I'll start with this, since I don't seem to have a choice. We only know each other since a month, and yet you're full on acting like my older brother and ordering me around. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest, honestly, it kinda remind me of my sister, but it's still kinda weird. I'm not used to talking to strangers.
You and Urokodaki-sensei found me dying on your mountain and decided to keep me like a stray. After... all that happened, I'm really thankful for your hospitality. I would probably be dead if you hadn't saved me from, you know, freezing to death on Sagiri.
I learnt that Urokodaki was a former Pillar, the strongest among the Demon Slayer Corps, and that he was training you, so naturally, I asked to join. I still can't believe how hard it is to actually wield a sword! Both of you do it so effortlessly, even if you've been training for a year, and Urokodaki a much longer time, it impresses me every time. I can't even do proper Breathing Techniques yet, though I really hope some day I'll be better.
I can't wait for the both of us to become actual Demon Slayers, hopefully then I'll be able to wield my sword properly...
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December 25, 1906
Dear Sabito,
Merry Christmas! I'm really happy to be here with you and Urokodaki, even if he makes me train so hard my arms might as well fall off! I really feel like I'm getting stronger, though. It's a great feeling.
We trained until noon, today. I somehow managed to do the first form of the Water Breathing, though I didn't understand what I did, so I doubt I'll be able to reproduce it anytime soon. Then you talked to me about your dream to become a Pillar one day. I never saw anyone else than you and Urokodaki fight, but I'm pretty sure you're strong. You beat me into the ground most of the time, I'm sure you'll make it to Pillar in no time!
Urokodaki made your favourite meal, for dinner, salmon daikon. I've never had it before, it was so good! I might have eaten a little too much, too, tomorrow's training might be though...
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December 27, 1906
Dear Sabito,
I know you said it was nothing, but thanks to you and Urokodaki for letting me stay. Despite myself, I dread the day I'll have to leave more than ever. I'm feeling better than I did in a long time.
(The writing get wobbly, as if the writer had been shaking while writing the next paragraph)
It's been two months since the attack, and a month and a half since I escaped from my old village. It was getting hard to live there, when the only people being nice to me (and by that I mean not trying to lock me up in a psych ward) were old man Saburo and his wife. You found me a week after that, roaming Sagiri Mountain, freezing to death but determined to reach somewhere safe. I'm happy that place turned out to be with you guys.
I've now devoted my life to slaying demons, for the sake of my sister and everybody who got killed that day. I'm just happy I'll get to do that with a friend by my side.
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(The next entry is tear stained and the hand writing, shaky)
January 12, 1907
Dear Sabito,
I've been having nightmares recently, a lot of them. Waking up sweating bullets, sometimes crying, and I thought it meant I was weak. Even when you called me a crybaby, you told me it's fine to be sad if I don't let it stop me from my goal. After that, it's only fair I tell you my story. I just hope someday I'll be able to tell it to you directly.
The day of the attack, Tsutako had a day off from her work, so she stayed at home while my her soon-to-be husband Takashi, and I were out chopping wood to sell the next day. We didn't have lots of money, so we couldn't afford to take the day off to spend with her.
After a while, Takashi decided to go check on her to see if she needed anything, as it was getting dark. I told him I would stay a little bit more and catch up to him afterward, so he went alone. Honestly, even if I had went with him, I probably couldn't have done anything and died along everybody else. I don't know if that would've been better.
A couple of minutes after he headed back, as a was about to go myself, I heard Tsutako's voice screaming, and she sounded more scared than I'd ever heard anybody sound in my life. Needless to say, I ran.
I came back to Takashi slaughtered. My sister was struggling against the demon's grip, and when she saw me there, her eyes filled with tears as she begged me to run.
I was frozen. My feet were stuck to the ground as I tried to process the sight before me. I didn't move, and in a second, the demon was on me, laughing at the face I was doing.
Tsutako found the strength to get up, walk to the demon and stab it, pinning him to the ground in the process. She told me to run once again. That maybe I could find a doctor and get back for her.
I did. The villagers laughed at my face when I told them a demon had attacked us, that I needed help. Despite all my injuries, they did not believe me. For them, I was just mentally ill and needed to be locked away. Some went as far as to throw rocks at me, telling me to get lost, that I was just a brat preying for attention.
Old man Saburo was the only one who believed me in the end, but when we got back, it was too late. The only thing left were bodies. He helped me dig the graves.
He offered me to stay with him for a while, and I did for a week before deciding to set off and find somewhere else to stay. The sight of the village seemed unbearable, and so were every sneer the people gave me. The villagers would get on his case if he let me stay too long.
The rest of my story, you know it. I almost died from hypothermia on Sagiri mountain before you found me while training and brought me back to Urokodaki. You let me stay, and for that I'm forever grateful.
I don't know if writing helped me, but maybe now I got the bad memories out, I can focus on the good ones.
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March 27, 1907
Dear Sabito,
Urokodaki fought me today, since he announced the end of your training a little while ago. It was over in an instant, so he settled on giving me tips for a while before we could spar again.
How is your training going, I wonder? You don't talk much about it, but it seems hard! I had noticed all of the sliced boulders in the bamboo forest before, but I never really thought much about it. Now that I know it's Urokodaki's final test before sending students to the Final Selection, it makes me wonder how much students he had before us. Where are they now? He doesn't talk much about it, so maybe they died and he doesn't like to talk about it. It's not like I wouldn't understand.
I still find it unlikely all of his students died, though. No matter how hard being a Demon Slayer, he's a good teacher and an even better Slayer. Maybe I'll ask him about it some other day...
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February 11, 1908
Dear Sabito,
After a month and a half of training, Urokodaki finally gave me my own boulder to cut. You were a little jealous cause mine was bigger than the one you had. I think it's just going to take me more time, so it's not really a big deal. Still, I'm so excited! You told me after I slice it, we could go to the Final Selection together. You already cut yours a month ago, but you want to wait for me. I'll do my best not to make you wait to long!
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February 25, 1909
Dear Sabito,
I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to cut the boulder! It's been a year. I still haven't been able to graze it, much less cut it in half! Urokodaki refuse that you tell me how you did it. Said it's something I need to figure out myself.
The boulder is almost ten time my size, and so hard! Whatever I do, I can't seem to get my stance right. I almost broke my sword several times, too! So between my tries, we spar. I beat you a couple of times, something I never thought I'd be able to say just some months ago. We also do some of Urokodaki's old training.
One time, you told me about Makomo, one of Urokodaki's previous student you knew, along with another guy. They both died during their Final Selection, you said, and Urokodaki mourned for weeks.
I don't know if that was suppose to be a warning. I promise I'm doing my best, though.
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April 12, 1908
Dear Sabito,
I finally sliced my boulder! It took me a long time, but I'm now stronger than ever!
Urokodaki reacted strangely when we told him the new. We were so exited, we thought he'd react the same, but he almost looked... scared? That's not possible, is it? It's probably just my imagination playing tricks on me.
The next Final Selection is in July. We're one step closer to becoming official Demon Slayers, and one step closer to becoming a Pillar, in your case. I'll be cheering you on!
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July 7, 1908
Dear Sabito,
The Final Selection is in two weeks. I'm currently freaking out.
Urokodaki's definitely not helping, staring at us like we might disappear if he looked away for even a second. Or as if he's trying to take mental pictures of our faces to not forget us. I don't know which one stresses me out the most.
When I told you about my stress, you laughed, assuring me there was nothing to worry about. That even if the worst happened, you'd be there to protect me.
That I'm not worried about myself is what you don't understand. I don't think I could stand it if I lost another person.
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July 24, 1908
Dear Sabito,
We're departing for Fujikasane Mountain today, since we need to be there in two days. Urokodaki lent us two nichirin blades for the next week, and you were disappointed when they weren't color changing katanas. Those are for ranked slayers only, he told us. It's not a big deal, anyway. We both know the color our blades will take when the time comes.
We told Urokodaki we'd be back in a week, and I could sense his smile as he nodded. It felt kind of sad, but I decided to take it as a good omen anyway.
In two days, the final selection will begin. It'll be a fight for our lives and our rank, I know, but I can't help to feel a least a bit excited.
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(A long time passed between the two entries. The writing gets more mature, less childish. There are tear stains on the page.)
August 14, 1910
Dear Sabito,
Happy birthday. I'm sorry I didn't write to you sooner. I couldn't bring myself to think about what had happened.
Why did you save me? I wasn't worth dying for, Sabito. Why didn't you ran and never looked back? You were strong, stronger than I ever will be. You could've lived, saw your blade change color like you wanted to, became a Pillar in a record time and saved millions of people from tragic deaths. Instead, you saved me.
I still don't understand. I couldn't believe it, at first, that you died protecting me. Maybe it was just so unbearable I refused the fact that you died at all.
I came back to Sagiri Mountain after three days at the Butterfly Estate and a few of travel, and Urokodaki looked so relieved to see me. Then he saw you weren't there, and that's when everything fell down.
I didn't move for weeks. I barely ate anything, didn't train at all. I knew Urokodaki was worried, but it's not like I cared. No matter how much I blamed myself for your death, I blamed him, too. 'Maybe if he warned us about the hand demon, we would've been prepared,' that's what I thought.
A month passed, and Urokodaki tried to talk to me about maybe moving on doing something with my life. I got really angry and shouted at him. I told him many things, that day, many things that I now regret. I now see it, though, that it wasn't his fault. He was scared, while I was just weak. He couldn't help it, while if I just had trained a little more, everything could be different.
Anyway, after I finished shouting, I left. That was the last time I set foot at Sagiri Mountain.
I took lots of missions, some hard and some easy, so I could at least save lives and be useful to the Corps. It helped me not to think, too. Slaying demons tends to do that to you.
That's pretty much what I still do now. Taking more missions than I know I should, but that's the only thing I'm good at, so I don't care. Although I still wish you were there to stop me. Maybe if you were, I would listen. You were always good at talking to people.
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November 28, 1910
Dear Sabito,
My crow came with a letter today. Which was weird, since I never receive letters, but what really surprised me was the fact it came from the Ubuyashiki Estate. A letter from Oyakata-sama himself.
He asked me to become a Pillar. I... don't know if I will accept. I don't know if I can, since it should be you here at my place. It makes me think back to before, when you told me it was your dream, to become a Pillar. To protect people.
I'm no more than an empty puppet. I follow orders without second thoughts, while you were full of life and ideas, and joy. I know I don't deserve to accept this offer, but maybe I will accept. A couple more missions is nothing, and maybe I could finally feel useful again.
I'll update you on that, since I have a week to reply. Meanwhile, I ask you to help me take the right decision.
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December 3, 1910
Dear Sabito,
There was this little girl I saved from a demon, today. Her father died in the attack, but her two baby brothers survived. She thanked me profusely while crying and hugging both of them, and I finally took my decision.
It's for people like that that I'm a Slayer. So civilians don't have to suffer like we both did.
I'm going to become the next Water Pillar, for you and them. I'm going to carry on your will to protect. So when I die, I'll be worthy to walk by your side again.
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January 2, 1911
Dear Sabito,
Today was the first Hashira meeting. There were six other members, excluding myself.
Himejima Gyomei, the Stone Hashira. Rengoku Kyojuro, the Flame Hashira. Uzui Tengen, the Sound Hashira. Kocho Kanae, the Flower Hashira. Raiu Sanda, the Thunder Hashira. Hariken Arashi, the Wind Hashira.
Then there was me, Tomioka Giyuu, the Water Hashira.
What am I doing here? They're all so strong, while I am weak and slow. I don't know why Oyakata-sama thought I was the best choice, as I'm sure there are a lot of more qualified people out there.
I still think you deserve to be here in my place.
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(The handwriting is weird. Shaky or shocked, maybe?)
May 31, 1911
Dear Sabito,
I encountered a memory demon. It brought me back years before...
I've fought Lower Moons before. I've encountered strong demons, way stronger than this one.
I lived my family's death all over again. Your death. Again.
I think it's Blood Demon Art was supposed to destabilize the opponent. It did not.
Anger overthrew my senses, and I gave it the slowest, most painful death I could. I'm sorry. It seems I did not improve at all, after everything. I'm still the crybaby I was before.
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July 5, 1911
Dear Sabito,
Second Pillar meeting. Raiu Sanda, the Thunder Hashira, and Hariken Arashi, the Wind Hashira, both died fighting a Lower Moon. It seems the Kizukis, even the lowest, are on a whole other level than the other demons. They have so much of Kibutsuji Muzan's blood that it's not really a surprise.
Oyakata-sama is currently looking for replacements. There's apparently a bunch of people close to fulfilling the requirements, but close to none who actually does. There's one possible Wind Pillar whom Oyakata-sama plan to ask to join. A couple others who may do the job in a few months.
I also met Kocho's little sister, Shinobu. I had seen her before in the Butterfly Estate, (she seems to be a medic), but today I got the chance to really meet her.
Chance, what a joke. I don't know what I did wrong, but she seems particularly happy to bother me. Maybe she's the only one seeing me as the pathetic person I am. I wouldn't be surprising, after all, she remind me of her sister. They're both smart and perceptive, Kanae's just nicer about it.
She harassed me for a couple of minutes before she got bored and left. Then I, myself, got bored and took my leave, sending yet another request for a mission.
Maybe if I go on like this, I could kill all the demons that roams the Earth. It would be nice, though I would probably be killed at some point. Not that anybody would care, but I can't slay demons if I'm dead.
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October 19, 1911
Dear Sabito,
Today was Tsutako's birthday. I asked Oyakata-sama for a day off to visit her grave. He looked pleased when I asked and let me. I departed the sooner I could.
I spent the morning at her grave, then the afternoon visiting Takashi's and my parents', who both died from an illness when I was young. I don't remember them much but it seemed fitting to go and visit.
Your grave is on Sagiri Mountain. I couldn't find the strength to go after all that time. Believe me when I say that I hate myself for it, but I couldn't. Urokodaki probably hate me by now. Disappearing after yelling at someone their student died because of them when it's actually your fault tend to make people not appreciate your presence. Kocho's sister is right when she says I'm not liked by people.
I promise I'll visit you someday. Just not now, I can't.
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February 23, 1912
Dear Sabito,
Yet another Pillar meeting has passed. If I'm only writing about that these days, it's because there's nothing else interesting in my life. Just boring missions and weak demons whom are not worth mentioning.
Oyakata-sama introduced us to two new Pillars. Shinazugawa Sanemi, the Wind Pillar, was the one he was talking about before. Obanai Iguro, the Serpent Pillar, came up with his own Breathing Technique. He also is Rengoku's adopted cousin or something.
I somehow managed to get myself into a fight with the both of them within the first five minutes after I'd arrived.
Honestly, it was pretty one-sided, with Shinazugawa yelling stuff at me for being pretentious because I was standing apart from the others, convinced I thought myself to be superior when actually it's the opposite. I just don't want to be more of a bother than I already am. Sometimes, Obanai would back him up with snide comments, meanwhile I tried to ignore them both. He also insulted my haori at some point, which got me to stop listening completely before I lashed out at him. Himejima and Kocho both tried to get them to stop, only to get snapped at. Shinazugawa doesn't like to be interrupted in his rants, I learned.
It was only when Oyakata-sama arrived that they stopped, though it didn't last long. Shinazugawa turned his anger to him instead of me. Useless, he said, pretentious. Weak.
How ungrateful of him. Oyakata-sama is the backbone of the organization, the Corps would collapse on themselves without him and the rest of the Ubuyashiki.
Himejima somehow managed to tell him to fuck off while sounding professional and respectful. The meeting carried on with both the new Pillars and the old ones, just as usual.
If you had been here, would you have handled the situation better? Would you have knew how to talk to them, or would they have hated you on the spot like they did for me? You've always been the social one, while I walked in your shadow. I never minded. Now I really wish I had your talent in talking with people.
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February 24, 1912
Dear Sabito,
Oyakata-sama asked to talk to me at the end of yesterday's meeting. I learned the reason today. He wants me to help around in the Butterfly Estate, is what he said. I know, though, that it's a way to ask me to take a break while trying to conceal the fact that I'm a burden and serves no purpose except slaying demons. I don't even know how to do basic social interactions, much less how to mess with medicines.
After announcing that this would be my task for the next week or so, he started to ask me questions. About my life. Most of them I tried to answer, but I realized I don't know much about myself, which honestly should be weird, but it just felt normal. And destabilizing to be asked about.
He's the Head of the Demon Slayer Corps. Why would he bother asking me questions I don't even know the answer to, about my past and ambitions and feelings? I don't think it's part of his job as a leader either. Why would he need to know everything about Slayers who are bound to die so others can shine?
Then he asked about you, and I froze for a couple seconds, before remembering that I could not do that right now, and trying to answer the best I could. How I felt about you. Your death. Was it still affecting me, and of course it is. I had heard he knew the name of every swordsmen, even those who died during the Final Selections, but still, it wasn't expect. Though I know your story is quite legendary, since you're the only one who died that time, after single-handedly defeating every single demon on Fujikasane.
It hurt more than I thought it would, after all that time passed, to talk about you. I know it's pathetic, but it's almost as if talking about what happened made me live through it all over again. I somehow managed not to show it throughout the discussion.
I don't see the point of taking any interest in a man who'll be dead anytime soon. I've began taking even more missions, to the point where I don't have time for anything else, much less helping in the Butterfly Estate. I wonder if he's trying to get me to stop. That would be counterproductive, as it's our goal to slay the more demons possible, the quicker the better.
Anyway, please help me not to make to much of a fool of myself during the next weeks. I don't want to give Shinobu more reasons to bother me.
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February 27, 1912
Dear Sabito,
I made a fool of myself, real bad. I was supposed to bring Kanae some supplies, but somehow, I bounced into Shinobu and dropped what I was carrying. Which happened to be some rare medecine, kept in glass bottles, of course. Result: I'm stuck here for another three weeks to pay back for what I broke.
Basically, it works like this: I help Kanae, Shinobu and the other Butterfly Girls by doing whatever they need me to do from 6 AM to 5 PM, then they send me off because they're tired of dealing with my social awkwardness and I train until 9. I've been practicing my Eleventh move, Dead Calm, a lot, recently. Since I basically invented it, I can't look into books for help on the basis, so I have to try until I get it right. I've been improving at a decent pace, but it could still use work.
I still can't wait to go back to mission. I feel utterly useless, here at the Butterfly Estate.
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March 20, 1912
Dear Sabito,
I'm back into commission after a month of what looked a lot like house arrest. I feel strangely relieved, not that it was bad at the Butterfly Estate or anything, just, it's not my place. At least I learned some useful things, like how to treat cuts and burns, and most poisonings. I also helped Kanae to train her little sister and Tsuguko, Tsuyuri Kanao, during the last two weeks. Kanae was busy, and I finished perfecting the Eleventh Form, so it was no bother. She's surprisingly good for a twelve years-old, and absolutely ready for the Final Selection. Kanae told me they were waiting until the next year to let her take it, since the time would be more convenient for her. With all the work she has, with the Estate and all the patients, plus being the Flower Pillar and training a Tsuguko, I can understand.
The last thing I learnt from the last month was that I was highly unlikable in Shinobu's opinion, though that's nothing I didn't know about. At least it was entertaining, her trying to make me feel bad about mundane stuff like people not liking me while I already regret my whole existence. It felt like she was trying to stab me with a needle when there's already a nichirin blade through my stomach.
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July 25, 1912
Dear Sabito,
We got to meet the last Pillar who joined our ranks, today, Tokito Muichiro, the Mist Pillar. We had received a letter about it some couple of months ago, but it was the first meeting since then.
Tokito was easily distracted, and couldn't seem to focus on what Oyakata-sama was saying. I could see he was trying, though, but the tiniest thing made him lose all his concentration. Trying to appear calm and maybe bored, but I could see he was agitated, and probably even confused, about what was going on. Of course, I would know something about that.
There's also the fact that he's eleven years-old and began to wield the blade two months ago. In all the History of the Demon Slayer Corps, only Himejima became a Pillar in less than a year, and he was nineteen. Tokito's still a child, of the age no one should even know anything about demons.
Needless to say, nobody could really focus on the meeting today. We're all lucky Oyakata-sama is as patient as he is.
Tokito left as soon as the meeting ended, ignoring Kanae and Rengoku's attempt at starting a conversation. I wonder if he even noticed he was being talk to, honestly. I left directly after, so I don't know what happened afterward.
All in all, today just made me realize all the more painfully how different I am from the rest of the Pillars. I don't even know how I got there, much less why Oyakata-sama thought I was the right person for the role.
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August 16, 1913
Dear Sabito,
Another year has pass since you died. If you were alive, you would be 20 years old now, the age of adulthood here in Japan. We used to talk about what we would do when we were that age. How great of Demon Slayers we would be, you a Pillar, me as your partner, and how we would make Urokodaki proud. We would've taken missions together, saved everyone like we both wanted to. I wish we could do all those things we talked about when we were 13, and while I know those dreams are impossible, I still think about you.
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(The entry is also shaky, but the writer clearly was trying to steady his hand.)
September 8, 1913
Dear Sabito,
Kocho Kanae, the Flower Pillar, was pronounced dead yesterday. It was Upper Moon Two's doing, which marks the first movement of the Upper Ranks Kizuki for more than two centuries. Shinobu was the only one present at the time of her death, and she only survived because the dawn arrived. Has it not arrived when it did, the Butterfly Estate would find itself without a leader.
Shinobu took the lead. It seems Kanae's death did to her the complete opposite of what yours did to me, hardening her resolve despite the pain. She's really strong for someone so small, it's impressive. Sometimes I wish I could be half as good as everybody is.
I know I'm not allowed to be sad right now, but I can't help but feel a pang at Kanae's death. She reminded me too much of my sister for me to allow myself to get close, but she really was a kind soul, always ready to help. The core of our Pillar group. It hurts, and yet I know that my pain is nothing compared to Shinobu, Kanao and the Butterfly Girls'. I'm not allowed to be sad knowing how much they must be grieving right now. I have work.
From the next meeting on, Kocho Shinobu will take her place as the Insect Pillar. I do not know how much experience she has, but I know she passed the Final Selection and that Kanae trained her for a while, which on its own put her several ranks above me. I heard she uses poison instead of the traditional beheading, since her frame doesn't allow her the strength to cut through flesh. I didn't even know there were poisons which worked against demons. I hope I'll learn more about that some other time.
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September 26, 1913
Dear Sabito,
Today was yet another Pillar meeting, the first one since Kanae's death. To say it was unsettling is one way to put it. Shinazugawa was quiet, the most quiet I ever saw him be. Kanae and him often were partners for mission, they got along as well as their Breathing Styles did. He avoided to look at Shinobu as if she were the sun, menacing to burn his eyes in their own socket. She wore Kanae's haori, I then noticed. Like I do for yours and Tsutako's.
The meeting, usually so lively and bright, suddenly seemed darker. Even Rengoku and Uzui, whose smiles usually never waver, were somber.
It carried on, the topics different from usual. Upper Moon Two made an appearance, even though brief, which means something important is coming up. More Kakushi were sent on recognition missions in the hope of finding Muzan and his Kizukis. The Pillars will be busy for the next weeks, and that's for sure. I hope we finally find them and put an end to their reign, that we can finally avenge all the victims nobody even think of anymore, who are more of numbers on a board than real people who lost their lives in such tragic ways. I promise I'll try my best.
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November 1, 1913
Dear Sabito,
The last week was filled with more meetings than I was able to handle. How do people do this? It's exhausting. I think I'm going to sleep for three weeks now, Good Night.
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December 28, 1913
Dear Sabito,
After nearly a month of intense work from everyone, several locations with higher demon activity than usual were found. Pillars and Kinoes were the only one qualified to apply to those missions, and only Pillars were allowed to engage fight, unless under very specific circumstances, which pretty much translate to being directly attacked. The places with the highest fluctuation of demon activity were assigned to Shinazugawa, Tokito and Himejima. Meanwhile, the other Pillars and I were assigned what are more like check-ups; some villages, weird events, but the chances of real leads are pretty low.
Downside to this: the village in which I was assigned is my old town, a place where I did not intend to ever return. It can't be helped, though, so I'm departing tonight. Hopefully I'll be there before the New Year celebrations begin. It would make my work quite a bit harder, since everyone would be outside, rendering any serious investigation impossible.
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January 2, 1914
Dear Sabito,
Once again, I messed up. It was suppose to be a simple check-up mission, but the places where Shinazugawa, Tokito and Himejima were sent turned out to be distraction from the real thing.
An entire family was slaughtered by Muzan. Once again, I was too slow. Once I arrived, everyone was dead, except the eldest brother, who stayed in town for the night, and his sister, who has been turned. I think the boy was trying to take her to a doctor, to try and save her. Luckily, I arrived before that happened, or else it would've been a complete slaughter. At least I got one part right.
The girl attacked him before he could take anything but a few steps. I tried to cut her head but he rolled over and I had to retract my blade in fear of hurting him. He begged me not to kill her. That she would never hurt a human. His sister was struggling against my grip, trying to get to him, and it was clear to me she wanted to eat him, despite his claims. She was a demon, after all. I knew the drill.
The boy imagined a way to defeat me with only some rocks and an axe, and even though it didn't work out in the end, I had to release his sister to avoid getting hit. I knocked him out, but I must admit that was quite impressive. I had underestimated him.
With him unconscious, I could finally do my job and slay the girl, then find him somewhere to stay and try to find out where Muzan had gone. Except the girl escaped my grasp and ran toward him. I thought it was over, at first.
Instead, something... unusual happened. She shielded him from me. She, a demon who had just been turned, a demon who was starving, refused to eat her brother, instead shielding him with her body.
In that moment, I was reminded of Tsutako's sacrifice. I couldn't kill her.
I knocked her out, too, and made her a muzzle out of a branch of bamboo from the forest. Then I sent the boy to Urokodaki for training. I don't know if it was the right choice, but I want to give them a chance to prove themselves. I believe they can be different. Tanjiro and Nezuko Kamado.
I can only hope Urokodaki won't reject them because I was the one to suggest them to him.
Muzan's trail were long gone when I went back to my researches. We came so close to find him once for all, and yet, I still found a way to fail. Someone else should've been here in my place.
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January 31, 1914
Dear Sabito,
I received a letter from Urokodaki. Kamado Tanjiro passed his test and became his student, learning the Water Breathing. I have this feeling it's not the style that would suit him the best, but I do not know anybody else who would be willing to take a boy who travel with a demon as an apprentice. I don't know any other Breathing Styles either, so I'm not much help. Luckily, Water Breathing is fairly simple, so I have no doubt he'll manage until he finds his own Style.
Urokodaki apologized to me, about what happened to you. That he regret not warning us about the hand demon, and that he was happy to hear about me, even if it was something as formal as taking in a student. I don't know how to explain it, but it made me feel strangely relieved, that he didn't hate me, nor blame me for being weak. Like a weight I hold onto for a long time was suddenly lifted off my chest, even if I'm not sure I deserved it.
I'll finish by asking you to protect the Kamado on their journey. I have this feeling saying the path they're taking is a dangerous one.
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June 15, 1914
Dear Sabito,
It seems like our ranks grew everyday. Today was marked by the arrival of the Love Pillar, Kanroji Mitsuri, who also was Rengoku's tsuguko for a while. I've seen her a couple of times at the Butterfly Estate, chatting excitedly with Shinobu and the Butterfly Girls.
Obanai seemed weirdly protective of her, also. I wonder why? If she became a Pillar, she should be able to defend herself from any threats. There were no threats in sight, yet he hovered around her while snapping at anything or anyone who came too close. She seemed fine with it, though, or maybe just oblivious. It's too soon to judge.
That makes nine of us Pillars. Stone, Sound, Flame, Water, Wind, Serpent, Mist, Insect and Love. Oyakata-sama believes he gathered the strongest team of Pillars since the Edo Period, and that this same team will lead us to our victory against Muzan and his army. I hope he's right. We're closer to seeing the end of their reign than we ever were.
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October 13, 1914
Dear Sabito,
Yesterday, I finally decided to take whatever strength I had left and go back to Sagiri Mountain to visit your grave. So I went. It felt right, after so many time, to finally say sorry.
Urokodaki let me in while Tanjiro was out training. I learnt that Nezuko feel asleep not long after she arrived and didn't wake up since then. Urokodaki believes it's her way to recuperate her energy, since she doesn't consume flesh or blood. It would make sense, though I'm not an expert in demon mutations, so I can't be sure.
I didn't notice how much I missed this place until I came back. After six years, I finally gathered the courage to thank you, to tell you how sorry I was.
I felt lighter than I had in a long time.
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(The paper is crumpled on the edges. The writer must have gripped hard it while writing.)
August 7, 1915
Dear Sabito,
A letter came to me while I had a joint mission with Shinobu. It's becoming more frequent, and while we're not exactly friends, I must admit our Breathing Styles does complete each others. It's easier to fight with someone watching your back.
Anyway, back from the letter. It was from Urokodaki. Tanjiro sliced his boulder and took the Final Selection a week or so ago. He came back recently.
He did it, Sabito. He killed the hand demon. After everything, your spirit can finally rest in peace. Your death was finally avenged.
I gripped Urokodaki's letter so hard I almost ripped it. Then I answered him the quickest I could and sent the crow back to him. I think it worried Shinobu, because she asked me if I was alright instead of her usual bickering. I just felt relieved, so, so relieved.
Thank you for protecting Tanjiro during his fight, and may you finally rest in peace.
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Mai 12, 1916
Dear Sabito,
Another joint mission was assigned to me today, on Mount Natagumo. An unusual amount of highly ranked Slayers were sent there and never came back. It's probably the work of a Lower, or Higher, Demon Moon, which is why Pillars were requested. There's a travelling time of a day before Shinobu and I reach our destination. I have a weird feeling about this...
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Mai 14, 1916
Dear Sabito,
A lot happened, and I'm not sure I'll be able to cover it all. When I said I had a weird feeling about the mission, I was not expecting it to turn into such a fiasco...
It began like any normal Pillar ranked mission would. I parted from Shinobu when she began to tease me—the moon is beautiful, tonight, isn't it?—under the pretext of covering more terrain, and I slayed any spider demons—it seemed the be a motif, there; every demon had spider attributes—in my path. Some kid with a boar mask, whom I had to tie up to avoid him aggravating the injuries he got from fighting a demon before I arrived, told me he had to get back to his friend 'Gonpachiro', who had bent threw away by the demon during their fight. I took the path he indicated when talking about his friend when I sensed the Lower Moon, rank 5. There was fighting near, the Demon Moon against the boar masked kid's friend.
The boar masked kid's friend was Tanjiro, and he was going to get killed if I didn't act fast.
I cut off the threads trapping him, and then I slayed the demon, using my Eleventh Form to deflect his attacks. He was so stunned his threads didn't kill me on the spot he didn't even react when I cut his neck. I turned my attention back on Tanjiro, who was shielding his unconscious sister with his body.
He seemed sad about the demon's death. I didn't understand why he would mourn someone who, mere seconds ago, was trying to kill him at any cost. Don't waste any sympathy on a demon that devoured humans, I told him. It doesn't matter it looked like a child, it's still a hideous monster that's lived for decades.
He responded that he would slay demons to protect people, to avenge the dead, but that he would not disrespect demons whose condition brought them despair. From the crumbling body of what once was Lower Moon 5, he smelled grief, and regret. I had forgotten his sense of smell was as good as Urokodaki's.
Then Shinobu arrived and tried to kill Nezuko.
I protected her, of course. I still believe she's different from the other demons. In two years, she didn't consume human flesh, nor did she try to. Shinobu didn't know that. She tought I was defying clear orders from the Corps without any reasons—'and just after you told me we couldn't be friends with demons! that's why no one likes you, Tomioka-san!' I'm not disliked by people, I replied, and the situation seemed to really mess with Tanjiro's brain. I didn't have time to explain, though. I instructed Tanjiro to grab his sister, who was still unconscious, and run. I would distract Shinobu until they were gone, then face whatever the consequences were after it. I sparred with her for a while, until some crows from the Ubuyashiki Estate announced Kamado Tanjiro and Nezuko needed to be brought to the headquarters for an emergency Pillar meeting.
My first thought was that Nezuko was going to be killed, along with Tanjiro and I, and maybe Urokodaki, for taking part in this. A Pillar defending a demon had never happened before.
Then I realized there was no way a crow could have been on Natagumo to see me protect Nezuko and go back to the Ubuyashiki Estate in such short time. It took Shinobu and I an entire day to come here from the headquarters, meaning no crow could make it in less than twenty minutes.
The other option was a trial. I wasn't sure we could win.
When we arrived to the headquarters, every other Pillars were already there except Shinazugawa, who must've been on a mission when the crows were sent. Two Kakushi carried Nezuko—in her box, of course— and began to franticly try to wake Tanjiro up.
Nezuko's trial began almost immediatly when Shinazugawa arrived. Somehow, Oyakata-sama was on our side, calmly explaining to the other Pillars why we should leave Nezuko a chance, better than I could've within a hundred years. And they accepted it. After Shinazugawa stabbed her, then shoved his marechi blood in her face and watched as she declined, but they accepted to let Nezuko, a demon, travel with a Corps member, making her the first demon who joined the Demon Slayer Corps.
I feel relieved, that Tanjiro and Nezuko were approved. As if I'm making up for my past mistakes a little by giving them a chance, and they both deserve it.
Tanjiro, the boy who protected his demon sister, facing any obstacles in his way, and who somehow still have a deep respect for demons after seeing so many of the horrors they caused.
Nezuko, the demon girl turned by Muzan himself after he targeted her family, who refused to eat humans under any circumstances and kept her humanity. The demon girl who found a way to overcome the demon's king's curse.
I know I'm not mistaken when I say they deserve it.
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(This was the last entry)
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Thanks for reading!
Random facts for this chapter:
1- It may not look like it, but I made lots of researches for this! I searched for stuff like the approximated time in which Demon Slayer takes place, the order in which the Pillars became Pillars, (I also made a timeline for some reason? Hopefully it'll be useful for other stories, it took me quite some time... TvT) Tomioka's detailed backstory (even though I didn't follow it to the letter) and other stuff like Demon Slayer ranks and the 5 stages of grief. Tomioka's stuck in the depression stage, I guess.
2-I went on the fandom's wiki and couldn't find a date for Sabito's birthday, so I spent like a whole day trying to decide a day for it. I think I have synesthesia. Each number and month has a color and a pattern in my head (isn't that weird) so it took me really long because I wanted the colors to match together and with Sabito's personality... I finally settled on August 14th after having to explain to my friend why I was frantically muttering about numbers and colors... TvT
Leave a comment to tell me what you thought!
3-Raiu Sanda and Hariken Arashi, the ex-Thunder Pillar and ex-Wind Pillar, are actually OCs I came up with on the spot. They're here only because Ubuyashiki mentionned in the manga that the Pillars ranks kept changing because people died. I thought it would make sense to add them here.
4-I made it that Tomioka's old town was Tanjiro's village (as you can see by the mentions of Saburo and that one sentence where Tomioka thinks about the mission). Why? I have no idea, I just wrote that and I thought, why not? We don't see much of the villagers there, except for Saburo and some random people from the first episode. The rest of the village could very well be jerks for all we know. Also, Tomioka isn't the kind of person to mention it and Tanjiro probably wouldn't know since he lived up on the mountain. So, in this, Tomioka's old town is Tanjiro's village.
5-That part where Obanai is introduced as "Rengoku's adopted cousin or something" is actually a
headcanon I discovered and was really excited to use! Basically, since it wasn't really said what happened to him after he was rescued by a Demon Slayer of the Rengoku family, he lived with them for a bit until he was old enough to a)have is own place and b)become a Pillar. So yeah, headcanon!
6-I listen to Demon Slayer in japanese with subtitles, so I sometimes write Hashira, sometimes Pillar, and sometimes Kizuki, sometimes Demon Moon. Tell me if it's annoying and I'll go back and change it!