Sirius had been eleven when he first saw those green eyes. At the time, not yet sorted and expecting to go into Slytherin, his first thought that been her eyes was Slytherin green. She'd apologised for running into him, his mother had sneered and probably said something rude, but Sirius hadn't taken anything in…too entranced by those green eyes.
He hadn't been the only one. His best friend, James Potter, had been taken by those green eyes just as he had…JamesandLilyLilyandJamesJamesandLilyLilyLilyLilyJamesJamesJamesJamesDead.
Harry had her eyes. He looked so much like James that it hurt sometimes to be reminded that Harry was all he had left of his best friend. JamesProngsJamesBestFriendJamesDeadJamesJames. Sometimes, Sirius would see Harry's profile and forget that James was dead. Forget that he'd spent last twelve years in hell. That messy hair, the glasses, that jaw – that was all James.
But then Harry NotJamesNotJamesLilyLilyLilyGlassesJamesGreenLilyHarryHarryHarry would look at him and those glasses framing those green eyes. SlytherinGreenEyesLilysEyesSlytherinGreenGreenLilyLilyGlassesJamesHarryGodsonHarryHarryPotter. And that mixture of James and Lily, those glasses, just like James', but those eyes…Lily's eyes, took Sirius' breath away sometimes in an overwhelming painful manner.
Reminder One: His best friend was dead, and it was his fault. All his fault for suggesting they switch to the traitor.
Reminder Two: He loved his best friend's wife. .
Reminder Three: He failed Harry. He failed James, he failed Lily. He failed them. He failed them. . .Failedthemfailedthemfailedthemall
James had never known. James had never known he was in love with Lily Evans. Sirius had never had friends before James. BrotherJameswashisbrother. No, James was his brother just like Reggie had been. Reggie. . Now he was dead. dead. dead. dead like Sirius should be.
Sirius wouldn't, couldn't hurt James. Wouldn't. Couldn't. Shouldn't have been happy when Lily rejected him. Should have been happy when Lily said yes. Should have. Would be if he could do it again. He'd never told him. Never told anyone he loved Lily. Nobody had known.
Sirius didn't like being left alone, surrounded by ghosts. Days would pass by with just Kreacher for company. Reality and delusion would collide, and he'd see them as they'd been before war, betrayal and heartbreak. He lost the moments of sanity that he'd recovered the year before. Since Harry had been kidnapped Traitorwormtailallhisfaulthisfault Dumbledore had confined him to his childhood home. Sirius couldn't stand it. Goingmadgoingmadgoingmadnotmadnotmadnotbellatrixorhismothernotmad He spent more and more time thinking about the past. Before Lily said yes to James when Sirius could lie awake while the others slept in his dormitory and pretend that Lily would fall for him and James wouldn't mind. That James would be happy for them instead. Terriblefriendbadfriend As more and more time went, Sirius lost more and more of the sanity he'd gained after escaping with Buckbeak.
Harry helped. Christmas with the Weasleys, helping Harry helped. Not alone anymore, Sirius, not alone. Harry. We have to help Harry. If only he'd been able to spend more time in the Summer with his godson, maybe it'd be easier.
When Sirius first held Harry with his dark hair and green eyes, with James fast asleep on the chair near the door and Lily smiling at him, red hair in a messy plait over one shoulder and tired but bright green eyes looking at him; he thought his heart would burst, it was beating so fast.
Harry's hair was as dark as his own and his eyes just like Lily's were the only features Sirius had taken in and for a second, his traitorous mind thought. 'He could be my son. Mine and Lily's.' But then Sirius' eyes fell to Harry's smile, even as a new-born it was just like James'. Sirius had felt tears falling then, looking at his godson. He was a terrible friend for feeling this way. Such a bad friend but at that moment, Sirius vowed that he'd protect Harry, that he would protect him in any way he could. HedfailedhefailedhedfailedhedfailedfailedfailedLily had thought Sirius was crying because of happiness, her eyes beaming at him. Sirius hadn't corrected her, just sat down next to her as he passed Harry back to and allowed himself to pretend for another minute. deaddeaddeadabusedharrystupidmugglesfailedharry
Sirius would talk to Harry about James. He'd talk to him about the marauders and their pranks. He didn't mention Lily. He couldn't. couldntcouldntcouldntwouldntwouldntmustnt If he did then, he knew, he just knew that everybody would know…They'd all realise that Sirius Black loved her. It wouldn't be right. No. No. No. So, Sirius avoided talking about her in the ways that mattered. He told Harry that he had his mother's eyes but that was it. He didn't talk about how Lily hated Transfiguration despite her admiration for Minnie. That'd she used have to practise and practise it for hours so that she could continue taking it for her NEWTS because she was Lily Evans, and she would conquer failure even if it was the last thing she did.
He didn't tell Harry about how Lily had loved to watch the sunrise but could hardly ever get up that early. He didn't talk about how she used to sneak up to Astronomy tower and sometimes, they'd sit there and talk about their siblings, remembering better times. Nobody else understood his complicated relationship with Regulus apart from her. He didn't mention how it used to drive James crazy that Sirius and Lily had an odd friendship and that he was the only Marauder not to ask Lily out on James' behalf. He didn't mention how Lily loved to sing but was terrible at it, so she was often found humming instead. He didn't mention how Lily's eyes glinted with mischief and how sometimes the marauders agreed that Lily Evans was the biggest prankster of them all because when she outwitted them, they didn't even realise until days afterwards and surely those were the best kind of pranks. He didn't mention how she always had chocolate on her just in case she ran into somebody who was having a bad day.
He didn't mention any of this because he knew that words couldn't do Lily Evans justice. He didn't talk about her because he knew that if he started talking about her, he'd never stop. He wouldn't want to stop. But worst of all, if he started speaking about her, then Harry would want to hear about James and Lily, not Sirius and Lily because it was James and Lily who belonged together, and it was Sirius who wanted to forget those last few years of war, heartbreak and Lily saying yes to his best friend.
So, Sirius stuck to stories before their seventh year and when Harry asked him and Remus about how his parents started dating and that his mother hated his father. All he could say was that "Nah, she didn't." Because Lily had never hated James or any of them. She'd been irritated, annoyed, furious with James but never hated him. But Sirius didn't want to remember them dating because they dated when the war truly begun. When Charlus and Dorea Potter died in their seventh year. Because Sirius lost friends who never got the chance to graduate. Because James asked her and she said yes and Sirius had to smile, knowing he was the worst friend alive to feel jealous and to wish that it was him in James's place.
He had to be the best man in their wedding, wishing it was him standing up with Lily, smiling and making jokes all day when he wanted to drink and forget. Had to come up with the best man's speech without letting them all know that he loved her too. It wasn't just James.
And then, when Sirius heard that Sirius was in danger because he'd thought Sirius was in danger then Sirius would be damned if he'd stayed in Grimmauld Place for a second longer no matter what Dumbledore said. He'd failed Harry once by listening to Dumbledore with Hagrid as his messenger, he wouldn't fail his godson again.
But he did. He died, failing Harry again.
The last thing Sirius saw was those Slytherin green eyes staring in his. Harry's face faded and all Sirius could see was Lily's face, smiling sadly as she waited for him with James by her side, her hand in his.
A/N: I wrote mostly to deal with my writer's block but also because I couldn't get this idea out of my head and wanted to experiment with my writing style a little. I'd love to hear what you thought of it!