HA ! right. welcome to Gold and Silver, an absolute mess of a fic written in about three/four days. I really don't have much to say except- I dont know where this came from. like, bro, this is a fucking mess, and i have no idea what im doing. some parts are horrid, and some parts could literally be the best things ive ever written. i think theres a fly in my room. whatever.
also uh this was written for Fallenclan April competition, prompts were generally "new beginnings" and then "fake, flowers, bird song, spring" but tbh i kinda yeeted those sorry/ i just wanted to write some hurt/comfort with a parent/sibling relationship but nO. thanks brain.
i hope you enjoy because i did not spend my evenings torturing myself with this for people to not appreciate the thought i poured into this (jk)
TW for references to suicide although its never explicitly said out loud, transphobia/internalised transphobia, and well, death? this fic is about death and being reborn so, yeah.
Doe/Doepath- honey golden and brown striped trans tom with chilly grey blue eyes.
Drizzlepaw/Drizzlemoon- small, grey silver and black striped cat with amber eyes.
It had been quite a few seasons, and yet Doe was still not used to his new home. Well, to Starclan. To death.
He didn't know what to do with himself there, wished he could have just stayed dead. Stayed in that black moment of unconsciousness, before he had opened his eyes again and found himself in a forest. Being in Starclan, existing there, was almost just as bad as living.
It was weird though, different, and he didn't like it. He didn't have a pulse. He didn't need to eat or drink, and time passed differently. Sometimes it slowed, sometimes it sped. He could fall asleep and wake up the next morning, only to discover it's been almost the entire Leafbare with the living. Or he would spend almost a moon wandering about with no sleep, and when he'd return to 'his' den, barely a night had passed with the Clans.
It riled him, then barely grazed his attention, on most occasions simply exhausting him. He hadn't died to keep existing, had he?
He had heard of Starclan cats fading at some point, when no one talked or remembered them anymore, or if they died in Starclan again. It was said that they would get reborn again though, as a kit, with almost no memories of their past life. Doe wondered if he'd been reborn before, if he'd get reborn again. Maybe this time in a body that actually fit him.
Doe knew that some important Starclan cats held meetings, to pass on prophecies to the living, to decide fates, to seal destinies. It bothered him, because while he was alive Starclan hadn't helped much, often abandoning the Clans when they needed the dead the most. Doe wondered why that was, why Starclan wouldn't help when it was actually needed, instead only meowing rubbish prophecies that wouldn't help anyone either way. Cats had died because of Starclan's incompetence. Doe also wondered if those cats would seek revenge on Starclan, ask why they had to die.
Doe wasn't wise- it wasn't like he suddenly knew everything, every little reason for his existence, every question suddenly explained as soon as his last breath escaped him. It was more the opposite; he had wanted to die, but so he wouldn't have to register himself or explain anymore. Instead he woke up in an almost exact replica of his home forest, silver sparkles at his paws, the world oddly blurry and no cat to be seen.
Realisation dawned like the rising sun he so missed.
There were a bunch of things Doe missed in Starclan. The sun, rain, clouds, bird song… The weather was always perfect, sunny without the actual presence, never rain or cloudy, barely a breeze, and the stars in the night were big and bright and oddly close to the earth. Animals did exist, but they never made a sound, never were a little sickly or thin, and after a season of eating like a kitty pet, Doe couldn't bear it anymore. He avoided eating as much as he could, and tried to ignore when the world shoved a silent blackbird at him, tilting its feathered head, bright orange beak closed, waiting to be caught and devoured.
Doe started avoiding birds, their weird quietness only another hard pang in his chest.
For a while he considered looking for his family. His mother had died while giving birth to him and his sisters, and his father was bound to be dead after all this time. One of his sisters had died to a fox, and a niece and a nephew were dead as well. He didn't know about the rest, but he didn't want to, and since no one had picked him up when he died, he guessed his family hated him as much as the rest of the Clan had.
Doe did run across some other cats, most of which averted their gazes from him. He was used to it, so it didn't sting as bad as it used to, and he treated them with cool indifference.
He didn't know what was happening in the Clans, which prophecy was coming or failing to come to life. His paws were almost fully invisible now, replaced by shimmery, slightly foggy sparkles. He could still walk, but couldn't really feel them- if pain would exist in Starclan he doubted he'd experience it on his pads.
"Enjoying the flowers?" a polite meow suddenly came from behind Doe.
Doe jumped from where he had been observing his sparkly paws, teeth immediately bared as he hissed. A cat stood behind him, watching him with obnoxious politeness and careful interest. Doe knew the cat, he knew her very well- Berrystar, former leader of Shadowclan. She died some time before Doe did, and they had never been close (not at all, given that she had been leader and he a simple warrior), but she had never been as bad about being a tom as the others. Doe still didn't like her, she had never spoken against his bullies or showed open support, so he just glared at her, backing a little further into the wildflowers.
"What- what do you want, Berrystar?" his voice was incredibly raspy from not using it for so long, but the she-cat merely blinked in acknowledgement and inclined her head again in that false politeness. Doe bristled at it- it was the same 'politeness' cats had used while insulting him, wishing him to the Dark Forest.
"Merely checking up on an old frie-,"
"We're not friends, Berrystar." Doe spat the word, lips curling in disgust. He had never had friends, and he wasn't going to start now that he was dead. "What do you really want?"
Berrystar considered him with a sigh, then answered, "Sunshimmer is going to be leader soon. We're looking for cats that can give her her lives."
Doe frowned. He didn't know a Sunshimmer. How much time had passed? And why him?
Berrystar must have recognised the confusion and disbelief in his eyes, because she elaborated, "Sunshimmer? Honeylight's kit? She's been deputy for some time now, and Shiverstar is getting old. He'll probably be dead in a moon."
Doe blinked. Honeypaw had been his sister's daughter. She had been an apprentice when he died, and now her kit was about to become leader?
He shook himself to escape the rising dread in his chest, gulped, and steeled his voice before responding, "I can't. I don't even know her. I barely remember Honeypa- Honeylight."
Berrystar's expression softened, and Doe hated her.
"Sunshimmer has heard great tales about you, and I might say the thought saved her life at one point. It would strengthen her in her leadership to know you, to see the tom she's always wanted to meet."
Her words hurt and confused Doe more than he wanted to admit. What tales? Who had talked about him, in a way that had saved her life? …Doe had given up on his.
Still, his decision stood. "No." he meowed, then walked away, flicking his tail at Berrystar before she could protest. The rush he would've experienced for telling a leader no was replaced by an odd sense of disappointment and sadness, something he was all too familiar with.
Doe shook it off, and continued stalking, unsure to where. Starclan's territory was weird, it was familiar and almost the same to the alive one, but it was different and wrong. It hurt too much to stay in 'Shadowclan' territory, so Doe settled at the border to Riverclan. It felt just as forbidden to cross the non-existent border to another Clan, and honestly, Doe didn't know how other cats could stand it.
When Doe had died, he had honestly forgotten about Starclan. No one had ever told him what it was like to be there, to still exist without living, to have coherent thought without a pulse. No Starclan cat had ever descended long enough to tell tales of the dead, how terrible it was in the endless fields. Doe didn't even know if other dead cats thought it just as bad, or if he was the only one.
It didn't matter what others thought, Doe decided; he had lived his entire life trying not to care about what other cats thought of him, about him, and the dead would probably just be worse than the living. Cats couldn't just come to him in hopes of getting a favour, when all his life he had been mistreated and humiliated simply because of who he was. It wasn't fair, and he wasn't going to simply accept it.
It took him a long time to finally get Berrystar's words out of his head, or at least have the conversation move priorities. When he looked up from where he had been watching the sparkling mist at his paws, he didn't know where he was. While he was alive he never really left the Clan's territory. He knew Shadowclan by heart, and had visited the other Clans quite a few times as well, and everyone knew the Island, but apart from those territories, Doe had never been anywhere else. Especially not in Starclan.
So he was only half surprised when he didn't know where he was, fake evergreen trees and fake soft moss and fake round pebbles and everything just so wrong. A cruel, almost hysterical laugh escaped Doe. If these parts were fake, they fit well with the rest of Starclan, didn't they?
Now not caring anymore where he was going, and the suffocating feeling in his chest not diminishing, Doe continued ahead, entire weird, wrong, dead body stiff, whiskers twitching endlessly with disdain and dread and a fair amount of choking panic. How much he hated to admit it, the feeling was familiar; unwelcome, of course, but familiar.
It was the last emotion he felt, the feeling of not being able to move, how hard it suddenly got to breathe, the desperation in every single fibre of his body. The short feeling of calm that came afterward was replaced by the sudden light of Starclan's hunting grounds.
Doe shook himself at the memory that felt like yesterday, but really was many seasons prior. Not that time mattered in Starclan.
It took Doe a few days of his own time-sense to calm down and get some coherent thought as to how to get back. He didn't exactly have to go back, but he had gotten used to his small den at the border to Riverclan. It had always been one of his weaknesses, not being able to leave.
Something caught his attention before he could consider his way though- Doe raised his head, blinking slightly at the sight in front of him. Fog? He wondered, and frowned- he hadn't seen fog in ages, the only weather in Starclan being sunny or clear at night, and the rising mist in front of him now was both exhilarating and unsettling. What did this mean?
A voice got through to him, a quiet and young one, "Huh? Where-," they broke off before Doe could register fully what was happening.
"Hello?" he called out, the first time he had ever initiated a conversation. The other cat went completely silent for a moment, before stepping a little further toward Doe. "Hey? Hey! Hello! Someone's here!"
They sounded cheerful, and young, and Doe was confused. The cat sounded a lot happier and alive than any Starclan cat he had met, and he wondered who they were.
"Yes, I'm here- who are you?" he couldn't quite keep the edge out of his voice. Something about this cat's presence calmed and unnerved him at the same time, but he couldn't figure out why yet.
"Oh! Wait, I'll come to you!"
And out of the mist stumbled a young kit, friendliness and openness in their entire expression, looking up at Doe from wide amber eyes. Their fur was similarly striped like Doe's only in silver, grey, and black rather than golden and brown. They were a lot smaller than Doe, but held an air of playful maturity to them- there was something beside the curiosity in their eyes that Doe couldn't quite place.
"I'm Drizzlepaw!" The cat explained cheerfully, "Riverclan medicine cat! Who are you? You don't smell like any Clan. And where are we again?"
Doe could only blink at Drizzlepaw. The little she-cat barely seemed over six moons, yet she already had her apprentice name. Had Clans changed that much while he was dead? Doe blinked himself out of his stupor to answer hoarsely, "I'm- I'm Doe. And, well, you're-," he trailed off, unsure if he should tell this cat that she was dead.
Drizzlepaw blinked, eyes wide, "Just Doe? Am I outside Clan territory?"
Doe shifted uncomfortably. Drizzlepaw was an odd cat. "Well, it's- it's not actually just Doe. But, yeah, you could say that."
"I swear, a moment ago I was sorting herbs and suddenly I entered this fog and then there's you…" Drizzlepaw murmured.
Something about the kit's choice of words confused Doe, and it took a moment to settle in.
"You've never died before?" he spluttered, because how was this cat standing before him if they hadn't died?
The cat tilted their head to one side, curiosity and a fair amount of confusion openly strain across their face. "I haven't- sorry. Should I have?"
"You're- you're in Starclan." Doe clarified, dumbstruck.
Drizzlepaw gaped at him, obviously just as confused as the tom. Then, a brilliant happy expression etched over her face. "I am? Great!"
Doe couldn't word how confused he was at that moment. Why was this cat happy to be in Starclan? Why would she want to be dead? Was she- was she like him, possibly? Doe gulped and eyed the cat, who responded with a curious and happy gaze.
"Why- why would a small she-cat like you want to be in Starclan?"
She finally realised how confused Doe was, frowned briefly at his use of 'she-cat', before explaining, "I'm a medicine cat! Well, apprentice. And I've never had any visions or whatever from Starclan, which really threw me off, but now I'm here! And so are you!" she paused, then meowed, "And I'm not a she-cat. I'm not a tom either- I'm neither! Just a cat!"
Doe blinked, while Drizzlepaw's words slowly settled in. The medicine cat apprentice part was understandable and made sense, but it took him a little longer when she- they explained their gender. His vision blurred a little, suddenly, and he rasped out, "You're- you're like me? Born in the wrong body?"
Drizzlepaw's eyes widened, then turned friendly again as they nodded, "I guess so! So you're a tom then?"
Doe nodded, not able to talk around the lump in his throat. How Drizzlepaw just simply accepted it was a mystery to him, and entirely new, but not unwelcome at all.
The apprentice chirped happily, "Neat!" and left it at that. They continued to look at Doe expectantly, as if he had the answer to a question of theirs, and the tom tried to gather his thoughts a little quicker. He cleared his throat, swallowed twice, and still managed to sound a little hoarse when he spoke again, "Right. Right. You probably want to know why you're here."
Drizzlepaw nodded eagerly. Doe couldn't help the small feeling of warmth spreading through his chest at the sight of the happy kit. He had always admired and loved kits- their innocence and carefreeness and easily given love. It was something that vanished over the seasons and moons, disappearing by the time they became a warrior. An odd pang of protectiveness suddenly seized him at the sight of Drizzlepaw.
"Well, to be frank, I don't know either. I just- I left the territories to- to explore a little, and haven't found my way back yet." He sounded a bit sheepish even to himself, which threw him off because he never got embarrassed anymore. Blaming it on Drizzlepaw's never faltering cheer, he listened to their words, "Oh well, we can find our way back together and you can tell me something about Starclan! Were you a medicine cat? A leader? What about your name? How did you die? Is that a rude question? Sorry!"
Doe, who usually hated every conversation and everything altogether, found that he didn't mind the kit's rambling all that much.
He didn't know how, but Drizzlepaw's visits became more often. He wondered what the small cat wanted from him, since his advice wasn't helpful and often cynical. But he'd lie if he'd say he didn't enjoy the apprentice's company, finding himself smiling more than he had in a very long time.
They rambled a lot and quickly, about herbs and their fellow apprentices, about their mentor and the Clans. Soon, Doe knew almost everything about Drizzlepaw, the only topic they avoided being their parents. Doe didn't know why, but he didn't push it, as he got the message of it being a touchy subject. Drizzlepaw was obviously grateful for that, and the genuine thanks and appreciation in their eyes warmed Doe. He hadn't been aware that he could make a cat that happy.
His sense of time quickly focused on Drizzlepaw's visits, knowing that when the little cat would go to sleep they'd visit him, and then tell him about their day, and he'd listen and sometimes put in his own thoughts. It was a relationship he knew he missed out on, something akin to parental protectiveness and love striking him whenever Drizzlepaw was with him. They babbled away at him with such earnest affection, trust, and pureness he couldn't help but feel like it was returned.
Drizzlepaw talked to him about everything- from annoying apprentices, to how exhausting their mentor could be sometimes, to how weird and interesting other Clans were, to how lonely it sometimes was in the medicine cat's den. Doe would lick them quickly over the ear, an awkward comfort, and try to share some of his warmth and assure them that they weren't lonely, that they had friends, that it would be okay.
As much as he enjoyed Drizzlepaw's company, he'd hate himself forever if they were constantly with him, in Starclan, if they would miss out on life because of loneliness. He hoped for Drizzlepaw- that they would find friends, and love, and a life- that they would get all the things he didn't.
He noticed how oddly quiet the apprentice was one night, and concern immediately welled up within him. Never was Drizzlepaw quiet, only occasionally getting so when they were really tired or the conversation briefly drifted to their parents. It didn't seem like either of that was the problem though, and Doe frowned as he prodded, "What's wrong? You seem a little down tonight."
Drizzlepaw glanced up at him, surprised blending into their amber eyes for a moment, before they sighed and muttered, "It's just- it's nothing, not really, just…"
Doe softened immediately, lowering himself so that they were on eyelevel. "It's alright, you can tell me, you know that, right? I'm here."
The apprentice nodded hesitantly, then answered, "Well, it's just, you know… there were these- it's the other medicine cats." They admitted, letting out a breath before continuing, "They all say I'll never be a real medicine cat, and I don't even know why, but I'm afraid they won't let me go to the Half Moon Gathering because of it. And I- I really do want to go." They finished uncertainly.
Doe, making a silent promise to have a talk with said medicine cats, carefully chose his words before answering, "I don't know those cats, but I don't need to know them to know that they're wrong. From what you always talk to me about, you know a whole lot. And the Starclan part for medicine cats?" he laughed, looking around pointedly around, "Well, you've certainly got that part down."
Drizzlepaw's whiskers twitched lightly in amusement, and Doe looked at them "You'll be one of the greatest medicine cats, I know it. I believe in you."
Half-moon night came, and Doe waited for it to be over with a lingering anxiety in his chest. Surely Drizzlepaw would find a better mentor and leave him, abandon him like most cats had in his life. In his mind Doe knew that was unlikely, but he was nervous nevertheless, and incredibly grateful when the kit returned the next night, cheery as always.
There was some scorn etched into their face after they greeted him, and before Doe could ask, they demanded, "Why won't you give Sunshimmer a life? She's brilliant, you know, even if she's a Shadowclan cat," The medicine cat gushed, "She's always fair and understanding, and she speaks well at the Gatherings because Shiverstar is so old he might as well collapse on the spot!"
"Who told you about Sunshimmer?" Doe interrupted the younger, since there didn't seem to be a stop to their flow of words. Drizzlepaw blinked up at him, then shrugged lightly, tail twitching, "Some oldie that came to talk to me during the medicine cat gathering. From Starclan." They elaborated, then frowned, "He was weird. Incredibly stiff and kept messing up the 'they' and 'them'."
Doe held back a sigh of relief and their words. So they weren't going to abandon him for a fellow dead. It was a good feeling, yet it was fleeting when he remembered what the apprentice wanted. Considering his options and answered, it took Doe a while to settle on one. He couldn't exactly tell Drizzlepaw how terrible cats had treated him while he was still alive, and how he wasn't going to let anyone have any kind of favour from him. The only one he had actually let in after seasons and seasons was Drizzlepaw, and while he didn't want to say that that was one cat too many, he couldn't help but sometimes feel like he didn't deserve them.
The sigh left him then, and he answered as truthfully as he could, "I don't know why anyone would want something from me now. While I was alive they wouldn't accept me, now they want me to literally give someone I don't even know my life. Does this cat want pain? Does this cat want the feeling of being hated every second, and then feeling trapped and not knowing if they could continue?" he shook his head, trying not to let the endless bitterness take over, "Then sure, I'll give them my life. If they want it so badly- not even I did."
It left Drizzlepaw silent and blinking up at him, and Doe cursed himself for getting carried away. He didn't regret it though, and a feeling of lightness streamed through him, relief of finally airing the thoughts that had been plaguing him all this time.
"Doe… how did you die?" Drizzlepaw asked softly, concern filling their expression.
The tom took a quick glance at them, before looking away and muttering, "I just- couldn't take it anymore."
Warmth engulfed him, and when he looked down, Drizzlepaw was curling themself around him, like a parent would to a kit. Blinking rapidly, Doe protested, "Drizzlepaw, I'm fine, it's been ages, and shouldn't I be the parent to you? C'mon-," and so it ended with them side by side, both protectively pressed together, and Doe wondered if he now knew why his sisters and their mates would give everything for their kits. Even in death, he loved Drizzlepaw with all he had, which wasn't much, but it was more than enough for both of them.
Time passed on without Doe acknowledging a lot of it, only realising in flashes what was or wasn't happening. Drizzlepaw was growing up was happening. Shiverstar was dying was not happening.
"He's a tough one," Drizzlepaw would purr in amusement, "Even though Sunshimmer does most of the work." And they'd send Doe a meaningful look.
Doe would scoff and redirect the conversation to something else, and the medicine cat apprentice would follow.
The slightest shift had happened in their dynamic since the night of the half moon, and they somehow got into the habit of telling each other the complete truths. Doe would know when Drizzlepaw was struggling with something, and demand answers, trading them something in return. They both knew that they would tell one another everything without a deal, but it was nice and it felt like it was theirs, unique.
Doe learned that Drizzlepaw's brother might be mixing in things he was still too young for, and that the medicine cat was worried there would be consequences. Drizzlepaw in turn learned why Doe hated his full name so much, but would use it to make a point, and then assure him he could make his own meaning.
"That's what the name is all about, isn't it?" they meowed, "Doepath. It means you can go your own path, a new one, you know?"
"It also means that I should walk the way of a female." Doe would sniff, but forget his disdain when Drizzlepaw playfully nudged him.
One night, Drizzlepaw arrived with such cheer, it was enough for Doe to break out into a grin at the sight of them. Their loud announcement, "I'm getting my full name!" was almost drowned out by Doe whooping and congratulating them. It took them both some time to calm down, and Doe was still excited, even when they managed to even themselves. He didn't think about how that probably was the most happy he had ever been, but simply questioned Drizzlepaw about everything. The medicine cat, soon to be not apprentice anymore, was eager to answer all of them, and Doe bid them goodbye when they started to wake up with a lick over their ear.
For a moment he thought about sneaking into the ceremony so he could cheer Drizzlepaw in the moment, but then decided against it. Let Drizzlepaw have their independent, growing up moment. Starclan knew they deserved it, and Doe paced up and down while waiting for them the next time they would come to him.
"Drizzlemoon?" he asked, doubt in his voice. Drizzlepaw- Drizzlemoon, nodded enthusiastically, whiskers twitching. "That name does not suit you at all, sorry." Doe continued without any apology in his voice. Drizzlemoon purred and nudged him good-naturedly, answering, "Oh, what would your idea for my name be, Doepath?"
Doe, for once not flinching at the use of his actual name, pondered for a moment, "Well, certainly not Drizzlemoon. Frankly, Drizzlesun would've fit you better. Drizzlespring. Drizzlejump. Drizzleenergy."
Drizzlemoon snorted, "Drizzleenergy?" At Doe's solemn nod, they continued with barely contained amusement in their mews, "I'll- be sure to pass on your judgment to the cats who named me."
"Shiverstar is dead."
Drizzlemoon's heavy words left Doe blinking. He wasn't sure how he should react- he barely knew Shiverstar, only vaguely remembering him from when he was still alive. The only matter that had something to do with him here was the fact that many cats wanted him to give Sunshimmer a life, apparently; but Doe still hadn't made up his mind about that.
"Oh." He simply responded, suddenly not sure what to do with his paws.
Drizzlemoon cast him a stern look, frowning, considering, "I still think you should give Sunshimmer a life. Give her a chance- she's really good, and your support will only strengthen her as a leader."
Doe hated confrontation if he was on the receiving end, so he tried to joke, "Since when have you gotten all serious?" his attempt at humour failed at Drizzlemoon's patient and loving but still very sobering stare. "Being medicine cat has its privileges." They answered lightly.
Doe heaved a sigh, then made a vague decision.
He ended up almost being late. Cats were already assembled, bustling about, whispering to each other. It was one of the prettier parts of Starclan, the one the living were allowed to see. Grassy green hills were off to one side, a thick forest on the other, the dark blue night sky tinging everything into different shade, and the stars sparkled and glittered brighter and closer than ever. It was beautiful, in a way, and Doe tried, he really did, to see past the still remaining falseness. It was off- but he was beginning to realise that maybe this was just the way Starclan was.
A careful voice startled him out of his thoughts. "Doepath? Is that you?"
Doe turned around, narrowing his eyes at a vaguely familiar she-cat that somehow looked incredibly similar to him. The only immediate difference he recognised was the fact her eyes were a dark amber, unlike his blue ones. After another moment, it hit him.
"Honeylight?" his voice was both softer and sterner than he wanted it to be, but he was just confused when Honeylight purred, relief across her face. "What, did you think I wouldn't come to the leadership ceremony of my own daughter?"
She softened when she saw the defensiveness on his face, "I'm kidding. I'm glad you remember me, you know. And that you've shown up today. It means a lot- to all of us."
Doe felt uncomfortable and slightly itchy, so he just nodded stiffly and changed to topic, "So which life am I supposed to give?"
"As far as I know, the other eight cats have settled on strength, love, truth, bravery, wisdom, protection, loyalty, and nobility. I don't know if I'm supposed to be telling you this, but I didn't think you've decided on one…" she trailed off, tail twitching a little. Doe swallowed a remark and only nodded in gratitude.
The gathered cats seemed to rearrange themselves with small gasps when a softly gold glowing light appeared in their middle. Doe shuffled to the front, not letting his nervousness show, and watched as the silhouette slowly took shape. At first, there were only dark honey coloured and brown mixes of fur visible, then it formed into the form of a tom, blinking up through chilly blue eyes. Doe's stomach twisted at the sight of Sunshimmer, someone like him, born in the wrong body, and he blinked away some of the blurriness. She will be great, he thought, when I couldn't have been.
He would give his life to her fairly early, since important cats waited till the end. Doe watched as two cats before him announced themselves, the life they'd give, and touched Sunshimmer's head. The she-cat glowed a little, and visibly writhed in pain, then let out a gasp with a new gleam in her eye when the each cat stood back.
It was his turn as the third one, and Doe swallowed once, twice, before taking steps forward. Sunshimmer was obviously still recovering, and blinked up with confusion at him. Doe could understand her perfectly- he'd be confused too if his exact replica but in the right body suddenly showed up in front of him. He always was confused why the cats in his family looked so damn the same.
"I am Doe- Doepath." He meowed, voice shaking briefly at his name. Sunshimmer immediately straightened, awe in her eyes, and Doe trembled almost as hard as she. He didn't deserve the sheer admiration and- he could call this worship with which she looked up at him.
But then he understood, and he nodded before continuing, voice strong, "I've been told you have heard of me- flattering, really, although I am not entirely sure who would've talked about me fondly." He refrained from casting a look in Honeylight's direction, instead keeping his gaze firmly fixed on Sunshimmer.
"I am here to give you a life for confidence," he announced, and his voice carried. "I've been lacking it my entire life, afraid and hating myself, but I won't let another think that again for how they were born." He took another step forward, "May you be as confident an example- for everyone- as can be, and help other cats find and live their truths with pride as well."
With that he put his nose on her head, closing his eyes, and letting everything, everything flow into her. The flashes of emotions he experienced and knew she was experiencing as well were painful and horrid, but he didn't even flinch at the darkness of his life. Neither did Sunshimmer, almost greedily soaking it up, and straightening with an understanding Doe hoped not many other cats would have again.
He stepped back, and watched the ceremony continue. Shiverstar, returned to his younger and strong form was last, granting a life of loyalty, and then it was over, and Sunstar rose, many emotions blazing in her eyes, and Doe called out her name in unity with Starclan, hearing it echo in his ears and along the landscape.
It was over before Sunstar could so much as blink.
"My brother's mate is expecting kits!" Drizzlemoon announced their presence cheerfully, and Doe looked up and purred a little, happy for them and their brother. "That's great!"
Drizzlepaw nodded eagerly, gushing, "It is! I'm so excited! I didn't think he was going to get his sense together after- everything, but Willowstem- that's his mate, you know- really helped him and they do love each other a lot, and now she's expecting kits and they're gonna be so cute!"
Doe watched them with barely contained, fond amusement, and didn't tell them his idea. It was too early- he wasn't even sure yet.
A little later, he did tell them though, after a few good moons passed. Drizzlepaw reacted as he thought he would, and the knowledge of knowing them this well sent him into melancholy again.
"Absolutely not, Doepath, that's- no. You can't do it twice, that's-,"
"Drizzlemoon." Doe interrupted them gently. Something in his voice shut them up, and they resulted to glaring at him out of reproachful amber eyes.
"You know why I want to do this. You know how bad things were- most of which I can blame onto the time, but some of which I could've corrected."
"Well, yes, but-,"
"I know this is the best way- really, the only way- to go about this." Doe sighed when Drizzlepaw still didn't look convinced. They were looking at him with endless sadness, and it hurt Doe, but he wouldn't back down.
"I just… well, I suppose I get it. I do." They mumbled, "It's just- I'll miss you." Their voice wavered, and it broke Doe, who stepped closer to wrap himself around the still smaller cat and lick over their ear.
"Drizzlemoon. Hey, Drizzlemoon, listen to me." He demanded softly.
The medicine cat only sniffed slightly to show their attention. Doe continued.
"There's two things right now I'm absolutely certain about. One, I love you more than anything else in this world." He didn't wait for a reaction, and frankly didn't think he'd get any since it was common knowledge, "And two is that my life was a shitty mess I under no circumstances want to relive."
A huff. Of amusement or sadness, Doe wasn't sure.
"But I know, that if I get a chance of living again, I will take it. I am taking it. Because this is something I need to do for myself. It's a second chance, and I want it."
Drizzlemoon was still quiet, but they rasped out an almost inaudible "Yeah…"
Doe felt his chest tighten again, and he heaved a sigh, "With some luck we'll know each other again. And I know that, no matter what life I am, I will always love you. Alright?"
The medicine cat shuddered a breath, pressing closer once again before nodding. "Alright. Just- promise me I'll see you again."
Doe blinked many times against the blurriness in his vision, and pressed his snout deep into their fur, whispering when they started to fade, "I promise. So much. I swear on- well, my life. I love you."
"Love you too." Drizzlemoon answered, before being gone completely, likely waking up shaken in their den.
If Doepath was being honest, he wasn't fully sure what to do. But somehow, he must have done it, because he breathed, and the last thing he saw was rising, shimmering sparkles, enveloping him.
He wasn't sure what he was doing. Letting go, somewhat. It felt like when he died, it felt like when he gave Sunstar a life, it felt different entirely. It was dark, then bright, then he closed his eyes and breathed in, breathed out, because that was mainly the only thing he could do.
He wasn't scared. He had decide on this, and he had a reason to give confidence after all. He wondered if he'd see Drizzlemoon again, and a soft warmth engulfed him.
"…beautiful, Willowstem. Do you have nam…?"
"…kit, Frostkit…"
"…one?"
"…zlemoon, you name him. You dese…"
Warmth and darkness again. Voices. Then, a strange familiarity.
"Stagkit."
yeahhhh this is a mess i know. the pacing is off, i know. it gets kinda deep and weird and i dont even believe in afterlife or rebirth so this could be viewed as an essay of me being confused and sad about starclan logistic. yeah, fuck warrior cats lore amirite
i hope you still somewhat managed to enjoy this, leave a review! constructive critism is very very welcome. take care of yourself, and bbye!