The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone off for a drink. I just wanted to do a little fluffy fun buddy fic with Archer and Pam.
Drink With Me Buddy
"Come on, Archer," Pam dragged Archer into Pita Margarita's. "I told you I'd treat you to a drink! Arnoldo! A pitcher of Ultimate Margaritas and your finest nachos!"
"PAM!" Several people called out.
"Hey gang!" Pam waved as she and Archer sidled up to the bar.
"You're popular here huh?" Archer noticed.
"Well yeah," Pam pointed to a nearby wall. "I completed the New York Ultimate Margarita Challenge last year! I'm on the wall of fame for not only doing that and finishing off the Grande Nacho Supreme Challenge! I'm something of a celebrity here."
"So you're a regular…" Archer paused. "Damn it. I had something for this. I've been off my game since I got out of the coma."
"Here," Pam made Archer clink his glass with hers once they poured some drinks. "To Archer and Poovey, together again! Just like the old days!"
"Great," Archer took a drink.
"Why so glum chum?" Pam asked. "Come on Archer! Talk to me!"
Archer sighed. "You know you're the only one who's bothered to give me the time of day in all this time I was out of the coma? I mean…I get why Lana wouldn't want to hang with me. Or Cyril. Or Carol. Or…Never mind. It just feels like you all moved on without me!"
"Well we kind of had to," Pam shrugged.
"Oh, that's something every guy who comes out of a coma wants to hear!" Archer groaned.
"It's not like we had a choice!" Pam told him. "It was either learn to get along without you or…You know? Flounder into the abyss."
"Floundering into the abyss sounds like a normal Tuesday."
"It is," Pam said. "But with better drinks! And a new really good health plan!"
"We have an actual health plan now?" Archer did a double take.
"Archer you missed a lot while you were in Dreamland," Pam looked at him. "You slept through a presidential election, three Super Bowls, three World Series, The Women's World Cup where USA kicked ass, five global outbreaks, two pandemics, four lunar eclipses, one solar eclipse, two space launches, the finales of at least fifteen tv shows I know you watch. Seventeen major celebrity break ups. Twelve major celebrity hookups. Thirty-three beloved celebrity deaths and/or overdoses. Five celebrities going to jail. Almost a thousand different stores going out of business, The College Admissions Scandal and the Me-Too scandals. And trials. Six different sports cheating scandals. At least five royal scandals, a wedding and two babies."
"Wow…" Archer blinked. "It sounds like a lot when you list it all at once."
"Not to mention your own baby growing up," Pam added. "As well as a chance of locking Lana down!"
"Don't remind me," Archer grumbled.
"There's no point in whining," Pam waved. "What's done is done. You gotta forget the past and move forward. That's what we did and it worked out for us. You should try it."
"I still just can't believe she just up and married some old guy…" Archer began.
"Who happens to be a billionaire," Pam interrupted.
"Not even eight months into my coma!" Archer groaned.
"Robert's not that bad," Pam waved. "I mean he's no Ron Cadillac but..."
Archer groaned. "I can't believe I'm saying this. But I wish she had married Cyril! At least I would know why. Desperation loves company. And I would have a better shot at getting her back!"
"Do you really want Lana back?" Pam asked.
"I don't know! Maybe?" Archer sighed. "I just assumed…"
"That she'd just wait for you?" Pam asked. "After all the shit you put her through? Like the cheating? The arguing? The lying…"
"It wasn't…" Archer began.
"I'm not finished," Pam went on. "The constant parading of women in and out of your bedroom on your breaks? Seriously. You should install a turn style in there."
"Well what about what she did to me?" Archer snapped. "She stole my sperm Pam! Calling Glenn Close! And she orchestrated a fake kidnapping of my daughter with real bullets just to test me!"
"I'm not saying Lana was completely innocent," Pam admitted. "Yeah she did some pretty shitty things to you too. But you just kept pushing it. Especially the last six months of your relationship. Remember? You drooled over Veronica Deane nonstop and slept with her the first chance you got! And then you let that murdering bitch try and frame Lana!"
"But I went to fix it!" Archer snapped.
"By getting shot?" Pam asked. "And letting Deane get away? And putting everybody through emotional Hell? Including Lana and your mother? How was that fixing it? I'm confused on that plan!"
"I had to get shot so the cyborg double could record Veronica Deane's confession and not get damaged!" Archer snapped.
"Wouldn't it have been easier to let the cyborg get shot and you record everything on your phone from a safe distance in the bushes?" Pam asked. "Or use the security cameras on her estate to record everything? Which they did, by the way!"
"Uhh…"
"And wasn't the cyborg shot anyway?"
"Okay! I admit it!" Archer snapped. "I didn't think it out!"
"Duh!" Pam rolled her eyes and took a drink.
"How was I supposed to know Veronica Deane was that good a shot?" Archer snapped.
"The fact her ex-husband looked like a target practice dummy wasn't a clue?" Pam asked.
"This isn't about me," Archer changed the subject. "This is about how Lana just moved on with her life! She didn't even wait a year before she got married!"
"And how long do you usually have sex after you break up with Lana?" Pam gave him a look.
"What's your point Pam?"
"Archer," Pam gave him a look. "Lana's priorities are marriage, a good career and a happy childhood for her daughter. Your priorities are a bottle of Glengoolie Blue, a good steak and a happy ending! There was no way it was going to work out. And I think deep down, you know that."
Archer sighed. "I'm just remembering snippets of the lives I lived in the coma. None of them ended well with me and Lana. She died in one, we got divorced in another and one of them I fell in a lava filled volcano before we got together."
"Ouch," Pam shrugged. "How did Lana die in that one scenario?"
Archer remembered. "She got shot several times. By my own gun."
"Hello!" Pam called out. "Symbolism On Line One!"
Archer thought. "You think my subconscious was telling me that Lana and I weren't good together?"
"Calling Dr. Jung…"
Archer looked at her. "You know…?"
"Come on Archer," Pam waved. "You're free now to get all the tail you want. And Lana can't nag you about it."
"Yeah but…" Archer took a drink. "I always thought Lana and I would be there for each other."
"You still can be," Pam told him. "Just in a different way. As friends. Which to be honest you're better off as."
"Maybe you're right?" Archer finished his drink and took the pitcher to pour himself another drink.
"Your mother was a total wreck you know?" Pam told him. "Kept crying on and off for weeks. Took drugs to make herself pass out and sleep. Lana had to be the strong one. Not just for AJ. But for everyone. Maybe that's why she seems so much like Ms. Archer now? For a brief time, she had to take over for her."
"Really?"
"We all had to man up while you were in a coma," Pam told him as she took a drink. "Even Cyril. He had to keep the finances afloat and get us work while Ms. Archer was out of her mind. I'm not gonna lie. Things were pretty rocky the first few months you were gone."
"I didn't know," Archer frowned.
"I missed you, you asshole," Pam looked at him.
"Thanks," Archer sighed. "At least someone did."
"Lana missed you too," Pam waved. "She just doesn't want to admit it."
"That I believe."
"Besides who knows?" Pam shrugged. "Lana's marriage may not last forever anyway. Odds are it's gonna end sooner or later one way or another. You can always get her on the rebound."
"Huh," Archer thought. "You're right. Huh. You know Robert's a lot like my mother, right?"
"We are well aware of that," Pam admitted as she took a drink. "Or an older smarter version of you. Or an older combination of you and Cyril…"
"Ugh…" Archer winced in realization she was right as he drank.
Pam shrugged as she ate some nachos. "Let's face it, Lana has a type. Which means if Robert goes, you have a shot."
"I just have to play the waiting game," Archer thought to himself. "And even if she doesn't come back…Who am I kidding? I'm Sterling Archer! I can't be tied down! It would be a crime against nature!"
"There he is!" Pam hit Archer on the back hard enough for him to spit out some of his drink. "There's the horn dog we all know and love!"
"Thanks Pam," Archer sighed after coughing back some alcohol. "I needed that. Not you nearly knocking out my lungs but…"
"How about you stop whining like a little bitch and we paint the town like the old days?" Pam suggested. "I know a brand-new strip club you haven't been banned from. And it has a waffle bar!"
"I'm in!" Archer grinned. "Let's just not get too crazy."
"Oh please," Pam waved. "How crazy can it get?"
"Now you're just tempting fate," Archer warned.
"I hope so," Pam grinned.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Whooo!" Archer and Pam whooped as they drank and watched the strippers.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Waffle fight!" Archer cried out as he started throwing waffles around the bar.
"Oh, you are gonna get your ass kicked!" Pam laughed as she started throwing waffles around as well. "Here's maple syrup in your eye!" Pam grabbed a bottle and started squirting.
"Oh, that's how it is huh?" Archer laughed as he got some maple syrup of his own. "It's showdown at the waffle bar!"
Soon a flurry of waffles and maple syrup were flying all around the club. One of the waffles hit a stripper in the face and she fell off the stage. Another somehow got flung right into where the DJ was playing. And some maple syrup got into his turntable and speakers.
"AAAAHH!" The DJ ran as his equipment sparked. Then caught on fire.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Whoops," Archer blinked as he and Pam watched the fire burning the strip club from a safe distance.
"I didn't know that maple syrup could cause an electrical fire," Pam blinked.
"They really should put a warning label on the bottles," Archer remarked.
"They really should," Pam nodded. "So, what do you want to do now?"
"There they are!" Someone shouted. "GET THEM!"
"Uh running away sounds like a good idea," Archer remarked as they saw some angry bouncers and strippers heading towards them.
"I got a better idea," Pam said.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Did we just steal a car?" Archer asked as Pam drove a classic purple convertible.
FLASHFORWARD!
The purple convertible was now crashed into a fountain at Central Park. Archer and Pam were running away from the scene.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Wow it's neat being at the zoo when nobody else is here," Pam looked around the zoo. "Archer what are you doing?"
Archer had gotten some keys and was about to open the lemur cage. "I'm gonna get a friend for Reggie! He's so lonely…"
"Reggie's still alive?" Pam asked.
"And in the walls," Archer shrugged. "I can't get him out. If I get him a playmate he might come out. Phrasing…HA!"
"Archer maybe that's not such a good idea?" Pam blinked.
"Oh please!" Archer opened the cage. "What's going to happen?"
FLASHFORWARD!
Lemurs were running everywhere. Some lemurs were haphazardly driving a small transport vehicle used by the zoo employees.
"Did those lemurs steal a golf cart?" Archer blinked as he watched. "I didn't know lemurs could drive."
CRASH!
"They can't," Pam winced. "We should go…"
FLASHFORWARD!
Somehow Archer and Pam had managed to get to a club. They were dancing wildly. "WHOOOO!" Archer danced around. He wobbled a bit but used his cane to keep him steady.
"Aren't you too old for this grandpa?" A young man with green hair looked at him.
Archer glared at the kid and punched him out.
FLASHFORWARD!
Archer and Pam were fighting in the rave and beating up several young people. Archer used his cane to electrocute another young man with glee.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Did we just steal another car?" Archer asked as Pam drove yet another stolen car. This time she was drinking from a bottle of scotch while driving.
FLASHFORWARD!
The second car was left on the steps of the public library.
FLASHFORWARD!
Back at the office, Archer and Pam were laughing as they drank from several bottles as they sat in the bullpen. They were making paper airplanes and trying to throw them as far as they could.
FLASHFORWARD TO MORNING!
Pam and Archer were passed out on the floor amid bottles of alcohol and paper airplanes.
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT!
"AAAAAHHHH!" Archer screamed at the sound of an air horn.
"GOD DAMN IT!" Pam yelled.
Mallory stood over them, casually holding an air horn. Which she pressed a second time.
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT!
"Rise and shine!" Mallory snapped. "What did you idiots do this time? As if I couldn't figure out from the news! And the mess on the floor! It looks like what happens when preschool teachers get drunk!"
"What do you mean?" Archer asked half drunkenly.
"Oh, let's see…" Mallory said sarcastically. "There was fire and a waffle fight at a strip club. Which is now a pile of ashes and rubble. A rumble at a rave. Which was reportedly started by a fat woman and an old guy with an electric cane. Reports of a stolen car on the steps of the public library. Another stolen car in a fountain in Central Park. A reported break in at the zoo where several lemurs are running amok as we speak!"
"I admit we may have had something to do with one or two of those things," Pam hiccupped.
Mallory added. "There are also reports of a giraffe wandering downtown!"
"That one wasn't us!" Pam protested.
"Yeah it must have been the lemur who stole the keys," Archer added.
"Here's another reason I miss Coma O Clock!" Mallory groaned. "No stupid binges!"
"Are there any other kind?" Archer asked. "I'm seriously asking."
"I'm seriously asking why I keep you people on…" Mallory groaned.