A dive within the mind

Disgusting, Fish eyes, Creep, Loner.

These are only a handful of the multitude of insults regularly thrown at me while walking to Soubu High. Some in low whispers, others in loud shouts. A clear sign that no matter what you do in life, society always finds a way to ridicule you.

Hikigaya Hachiman, or what's left of me anyway, has been called names by the student body for some quite time now. It's been so long, in fact, that I've learned to no longer care for their opinions and their baseless rumors.

it's always been this way, ever since I first entered the high school 2 weeks after class started. Because of the accident, which I really don't want to remember for, like, ever, I missed my chance to join the different cliques and groups. In hindsight, I'm glad it happened this way, makes it easier for me in the long run. Knowing what I know now, superficial relationships aren't really appealing to my own interests and goals. Besides, I'd rather be alone than try to keep a fake friendship afloat.

There are times, however, when then the loneliness of it all just really get's to you, when it makes your heart ache for something more, something genuine. There are times when I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming from a nightmare, and wishing I had someone to text or call for support. I would open my phone and go into my contacts, only to find 2 contacts; Komachi's and Hiratsuka-sensei's. I sometimes would stare at it for a few seconds, contemplating whether or not I could call my Sensei and bug her, only to feel shame for even thinking about bothering her with my silly problems.

She's an adult, after all. She probably has something better to do, like finding a boyfriend or something.

It's probably why I get along with her a lot more than most of my peers. Every time I am with her, I feel a connection that we have, 2 people who're struggling on finding companionship, a kindred spirit, an older sibling. Despite her bad vices and violent tendencies, we share something more than a teacher-student relationship, an understanding between 2 lost souls, trying to find their place in the world.

Where was I? Ah, loneliness, yes, that.

Logically speaking, I shouldn't feel this way, feeling lonely. I have a great younger sister who supports me, a somewhat violent sibling in the form of Sensei, 2 functioning parents that pay for my bills. And yet, I still do, and I hate that I still feel this way despite the above.

Why? I hate it. I hate this feeling. It drives me insane sometimes.

And it's not like I haven't tried before. Believe me, I have. It's exactly why I am eho I am in the first place. Years of bullying and rejection, of ridicule and disgust, it's what made me who I am today.

Some would call me nihilistic, others pessimistic, I'd rather call myself a realist. A person who understands what is real and what is possible and accepts how things are. Being one, I could gladly accept that no matter how hard a I try, friendship might not just be for me, and even though it hurts to think about it like that, I need to accept it, for that's what being a realist truly means.

bzz

bzz

bzz

bzz

Ah, my alarm. Another sleepless night, but what's one more added to the pile, right?

Right?

"ONII-CHAN! GET UP! YOU'RE ALMOST LATE!" Komachi loudly announced my tardiness as I slowly get out of bed after another sleepless night full of thinking.

"Ok, ok, sheesh. My ears."

As I robotically go through my morning routine, I fantasize about the upcoming weekend. Since it's a Friday today, tommorow can finally be the day I could relax and lounge about the house once again. It feels like forever since I last did that. With school being so hectic since it just started a few days ago, I never had the time to properly enjoy my laziness these past few weeks.

After taking a shower and wearing my uniform for my 2nd year in Soubu, I went down to the kitchen to see my lovely sister, Komachi, setting the table for the 2 of us to eat our breakfast. Our parents are probably gone now, seeing as their shoes and bags are no longer on the doorway. It's been like that for a few years now for them, so it wasn't that surprising for me either. The only days we talk and see each other recently are the weekends and, maybe, the occasional holiday. I really don't mind, since I know they're doing their best to support us and to play for our education. Deep down, even though I regularly say that they aye idiots to be tricked into being enslaved by the workforce, I still appreciate their support and love for both Komachi and I.

"Yo."

"Onii-chan, Hurry! You'll be late." Komachi angrily replied to my nonchalance.

"Sure, Thanks for the food. Komachi! You really are the best!" I heartily replied while inwardly chuckling after seeing her blush from the compliment.

After eating, I was about to go and remind Komachi to hurry up as well when I remember that they had the day off, since construction was happening on their school today. Huh. Looks like it's just me leaving today. Tch. I wish I could stay as well, but duty calls.

"Bye, Komachi, see you later. Take care."

"Bye, Onii-chan!"

"Don't forget to lock the door, and windows, and the garage door, also don't invite strangers, also keep safe, also do-"

I was kicked in the back by my violent sister and told to hurry up.

"OW!" WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" I said.

"Just leave, Onii-chan! I'm a big girl now, I can handle myself. BYE! Don't be a loner now." Komachi knowingly smiled and waved.

Shit... shit.. shit...

I'm five minutes late! I knew I shouldn't have stopped to help the old lady cross the road. What the hell was I thinking? I'm so dead. Hiratsuka-sensei is our first period, I'm gonna get so punched for this. Damnit.

I hurriedly parked my bike and ran like a madman on campus, hoping that the otaku teacher wasn't in the room yet. I'd be in big trouble if she was, I can't be punched this early in the morning, can I?

I attracted a lot of attention around the neighboring classrooms while I was running through the building.

"yo, it's the king of loners!"

"he looks so scary."

"what a delinquent"

"he's late, probably from drinking all night"

"I heard he's that hot Japanese teacher's smoking buddy"

"his eyes are so weird, its disgusting."

"Hayama is so much better looking than him."

I even heard a few insults shouted at me but a quick glare from the "dead fish eyes" that they all like to talk about was enough to scare them away. Can't they find something else to talk about? Are they really that desperate for topics that even I, the self proclaimed King of Loners, come up in their conversations? Like, come on. Get a life or something, not that I could talk, seeing as I have no resemblance of one.

And why was even Hayama being compared to me? These normies are ridiculous, of course he's better looking than me, He's the school's hearthrob, idiot. There was absolutely no need for comparing our attractiveness.

Hiratsuka-sensei's lab coat came into my view as I was briskly walking to my classroom. Breathing a sigh of relief for not being late, I try to discretely get ahead of her to enter the room as quietly as possibl-

"Hachiman." Ah crap, she saw me. She even called me my first name too, this is bad, she only ever calls me that when she's upset or angry about something.

We started calling each other our first names in private a few years ago. She said that calling her sensei felt disingenuous to her and she wanted me to call her Shizuka or Onee-san if I wanted to. Feeling the same way, I offered her to do the same to me, seeing as we already confide in each other a lot.

I slowly turn around and see that her voice was slightly louder than it needed to be, attracting students from inside the classroom and neighboring classes. I saw Hayama peeking through the backdoor, Tobe looking through the mirror, and most of my class looking at me and her, surprised be the name Sensei used to call me.

I glanced at Shizuka and, instead of the anger that I expected to see, I only saw disappointment and sadness in her slightly watery eyes. I instantly felt my onii-chan senses tingling and felt something was off with her today. More so than normal. I knew from the inflation of her voice that something happened since we last talked.

I took a few steps forward, and noticed a lot more than I did from before. I needed to say something, there's clearly something wrong with her today.

"Hiratsuka-sensei..."

A few seconds past and she looked down, seemingly trying to slip into her mask that I saw crumble when I first met her eyes that day. She was failing. I needed to fix this. Eyes from every direction are looking at us with interest, this is not good. I don't want her to break down in front of her students. She won't hear the end of it from hear peers.

With a deep sigh, I slipped off the mask I keep wearing everyday, the mask I so desperately used as a way to cope from all the insults, the mask I've built so strongly. I feel my facial structure slowly default into my normal expression. The persistent glare I wore slowly slipping into a frown. My dead eyes slowly coming into life.

"Shizuka.. what happened?"