If She Had Known
Chapter 1
Chris was happy for the first time in a long time. She was finally putting her grief where it belonged. Accepted that her best friend and roommate Kate had died. She was done drowning her sorrow in booze and was finally coming to terms with her feelings. Although it has been kind of awkward with Jim since he confessed his feeling for her. But she has hoped that with him helping her get off the bottle and get back her life from the crushing grief that maybe they can be friends. She does not want to ruin their friendship with trying to be with him. Even thought she does have strong feeling for Jim. Or she would have never kissed him after that party. She used to tell herself that it was the booze and the comment that Annie had made to her at the party about her choice of life. That kind of hurt. Like a knife to the heart. Who she loves had no bearing on what kind a person she is. She loves those kids. Always thought of Decan, Annie and the kids as her family. Same as her SWAT mates. With a slight exception to Jim Street. Those are not sibling feelings. She cares about him.
Now Chris has a new person in her life. Which is a huge shock to her. She never thought she would date a man. Jim is about the only man she is interested in. She has not been interested in men in a long time other then Jim. Now she has Jack. She met Jack at the grief support group. The got to talking after the group and went out for coffee. Both seem to have turned to booze to deal with their grief. Now they are on the wagon. Trying to process the pain. Chris has shared how Kate died. Jack has told of how his wife died. In painful detail, Chris has told of how Erika and she had gotten Vic out after he was shot. Then how Erika looked at her with a strange face. Then looks down at her chest. Then she started to go down. Chris caught her and tried CPR. Crying and begging Erika to stay with her. Just not letting the medics in to help. She had to be told to move. She does, but the medics do not do much. Then they say she is gone. How Chris felt like this was not real. Then once the disbelief dissipated, Chris sneaks away, sobbing to call Luca. She has a hard time forming words to tell Luca. He talks to her and tells her what to do. Then lets her cry.
Jack tells of how his wife was home alone while he was at work. It appeared that someone brakes into the house. Unsure what for, robbery or to rape. He gets a called at work from a police officer saying to get home as soon as possible. Jack gets home to police cars, an ambulance and detectives everywhere. Just as they are bringing out a black body bag on a gurney. Jack breaks down and screams no at the top of his lungs. Then tries to get to the body. That is when the detective holding him back tells him that he does not want to see her this way. Then tells Jack how sorry he was for his loss. Then he asks if he has noticed anyone in the neighborhood that did not belong. Someone who might have wanted to rob or hurt them. Jack was so distraught that he did not have a clue. They were looking for fingerprints. They had found the murder weapon. It was a knife from their kitchen. They ask if there is any family or friends he can stay with. Jack does not, so he goes to stay at a hotel. Jack tells the group that they have yet to find the killer. Chris is heartbroken.
They go for the coffee after each group and talk. Eventually they go on a date. At least out to dinner. Unsure if it is a date or just friends sharing a meal. Jack walks Chris to her apartment. Then gives a nice tender kiss to her. As it happens, she thinks he is so gentle. Almost like he is afraid of hurting her. She finds that sweet. They break their kiss. He leaves and she goes into her apartment. Smiling and heart racing. Then after that, they start going to movies, going to play paint ball and to a baseball game. He makes her laugh and smile more than she has since breaking it off with Ty and Kira. Maybe even more. With them, she had two people to try and keep happy. When she just wanted Kira. So, she was always on edge and knew she could not be with just Kira. Part of her threw herself into that relationship(s) to keep from wanting Jim. But this is different. Chris is being treated very well. Showered with love and caring. Being given gifts and getting surprises. She was not used to this kind of relationship. But she loved it.
"Chris, what has you so happy?" Decan asks, while getting his phone out of his locker.
"Oh Decan, can you just take this happy face and accept it? Why question it?" Chris says, getting her bag and heading out to the main building.
"I just want to know so I can make sure it happens more often. Or meet whomever this person is. I have not heard of anyone new or anything new in your hobby folder." Decan says, grabbing his bag and following Chris.
"I just want this to be mine only for a little while longer. So please, keep it to yourself." Chris says, heading to the kitchen to get a drink.
"I don't know what it is, so I can't tell anyone anyway!" Decan says, calling after her.
Chris walks into the kitchen, smiling. She heard Decan. She liked having a little intrigue. She is tired of everyone knowing her business. She sees Jim in the kitchen.
"Hey Street. How are you?" Chris asks, opening the fridge and pulls out a water bottle.
"Hey Chris. I am good. How are you? Still going to the grief support group?" Jim asks, sitting that the table.
"I'm good thanks. Yes, I am still going to the group. It is helping a lot. Thank you for checking on me. You are a good friend. Anything going on with you?" Chris asks, standing at the table, waiting for a response.
"Nope. Just working. Hanging with Luca. Playing a little basketball. You seem happy. The group must be surprisingly good." Jim says, looking at her face. He notices that she seems to be glowing. She looks so beautiful.
"It is. Thank you for going with me for the first visit. For all your support." Chris says, just as Jim's phone rings. He looks at it with confusion.
"Hello?" Jim answers. He is quiet for a moment. "Yes, this is." He listens again. "Thank you for calling me." Jim says, hanging up. He still looks very stunned.
"Jim, what's up?" Chris asks, concerned.
"That was the prison. My mom just died." Jim says, looking down towards the floor. He does not know how to feel. Their relationship was so complicated. He cannot seem to cry. He does not know what to do.
"Oh no. I am so sorry Jim. I did not know she was that sick. You did talk to her, didn't you?" Chris asks, knowing that she had reached out to him when he was with Molly. Both Molly and Chris told him to talk to her. But then she got so caught up in the booze and then Jack.
"Yeah, I did. Twice. After the last time, she was out of it, so she told me goodbye then. It was not that long ago. She was in pain. They were giving her morphine. She told me she was sorry for everything she did. For the life she gave me and not being a better mother. I told her I know she did the best she could. That I forgive her." Jim says, looking at her in confusion.
"Well, that is good that you had the chance to get things said before she was too far gone. Why didn't you tell me about this?" Chris asks, surprised that he did not share it will her. They seemed to share most things. This would have been one of those things.
"You were trying to stay sober and get through your grief. I did not think you needed to hear it. More so after you lost Erika. I didn't want to bring up death when you were trying to deal with Erika." Jim says, placing a hand on Chris' hand that is resting on the cold steel table.
"I might have been grieving, but I am also your friend Jim. If you needed me to listen, I would have. I'm grieving, not so broken I can be there for you." Chris says, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"I don't feel anything. That is messed up." Jim says, standing up and walking around. Almost in a pace.
"No, you are in shock. You are trying to grasp the info you were just given. That is not messed up. With your complicated relationship I would not be surprised that you do not know how to feel. Part of you is probably relieved you do not have to worry about her trying to mess up your life, yet again. But the other part is probably feeling like she protected you and loved you. Those feelings are normal. You need to tell Hondo and Hicks. You need to process this. Maybe go talk to the therapist. After work, I can help you plan a funeral. If you want." Chris says, watching him.
"I know I need to tell them. I do not know if I will have a funeral. We do not have any family left. And all her friends are drug users or in prison. It's just me." Jim says, with a frown.
"We are your family too. We would go to support you. And show respect. Just think about it. Go tell Hondo and Hicks. You shouldn't be in the field today." Chris says, going to the fridge to pull out a bowl of fruit salad. Then gets a fork and sets it in front of where Jim is walking. "Eat something." Chris says. Just then the alarm sounds for the team to be deployed. No time to tell the bosses about Jim's loss. They all rush to get out to Black Betty and get to the scene where they are to help with whatever is the issue.
A/N: Thank you for reading. Please feel free to leave a review.