Shrek was convinced Dumbledore had succeeded in getting rid of him, that is- until he felt himself falling, golden onion in hand, onto some kind of wood- but strangely squishy- platform. He landed with a large thud, and all eyes were on him. As he stood- he realized he had landed on a person, hence the squishiness. Shrek was thoroughly confused.
It was silent for a few moments until he heard the beckoning voice on the microphone joyfully exclaiming, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems we have our tributes for the 74th annual Hunger Games!"
The audience was looking at Shrek in confusion. Whispers began to circulate through the crowd. They had never seen this...being...before in District Four. Shrek paused and did a double-take. Who was this colorful woman with as bad of a fashion sense as Dumbledore? I mean honestly, this blue and bronze? It's worse than the pastel purple and neon green he was forced to look at when his beloved swamp was stolen from him. He vowed one day he would get it back, but this was not the matter at hand.
\
Shrek raised an eyebrow, "ummm...what's this, now?"
"Oh, isn't it just such an honor to be a volunteer. I can see you were rather excited by your entrance! Quite good "smashing" skills, hmm? Now, for the girls," Flare Clearbreeze- the escort of District 4- exclaimed.
What fuckery had Dumbledore and that onion sent him to? One minute he was dying outside his swamp, his home, and the next minute saying he was a... 'tribute' in this thing called the 'Hunger Games'? Whatever this was, Shrek enjoyed the sound of this- as he was always a fan of eating onions… and people. He hoped there would be onions. He took another look at the badly-dressed woman, surveying if this was real or simply a pre-death, fever-dream.
Flare Clearbreeze swished around in her skirt, her clamshells... well... Shrek wasn't sure how they were attached to her body. She called out, "Tadia Skycreek!" The crowds parted like the red sea as they all moved to the side and pointed in one direction.
An attractive, tall, blonde woman walked up to the stage with a steady stride. She looked well put together with a white blouse and black pants, nothing like the monstrosity that Flare was exhibiting. Tadia had the air of confidence normally only found in a victor. The citizens of district four felt pretty confident that one of the two would be a winner. The green… thing...or their very own Tadia.
/
The train began to chug along as Shrek stared out of the window and sighed. He missed his swamp. He had no idea why he was here or what he was doing. To his left, the eager (but really fucking confused) mentors, Finnick and Mags, stood. They had never had to deal with this sort of situation before. There was no protocol for a weird green giant killing their first tribute.
Tadia was humming along to some random song as she plopped down at the dining room table. It was time to eat. Welcome to the Hunger Games.
The afternoon passed….
/
Shrek was not happy. Very not happy. He was strapped down to a metal bed, preparing to be tortured. Two weirdly colored people were sanding down his toenails as another began polishing his scalp. Frankly, Shrek wasn't sure if these people were also from FairyTale Land or not. One was bright blue with what looked like two horns sticking out of their head. Apparently her name was Markus, go figure. The weird looking people flitted about, causing more pain as they tore waxing strips from all over Shrek's body. This was going to take a while.
Tadia, on the other hand, merely had a concerned grimace on her face. Her stylists thought that she was beautiful, but apparently even the beautiful needed a bikini wax. Yikes.
Tadia looked stunning in a fitted ocean themed corset and blue, flowy skirt. She caught the eyes of the District 12 girl and smirked.
"This could be fun," Tadia thought, and winked at the dashing beauty in red. To her surprise, the blonde-haired boy next to her winked back. She frowned.
Shrek, on the other hand, was having a bit of an issue trying to walk around in his outfit. His feet were stuffed into tiny (and quite ugly) aquatic themed heels. The ocean themed jumpsuit he was wearing was tight and was currently giving Shrek a wedgie. He needed some help.
The two tributes started to walk out to the chariots; only a few other tributes were there already. There was a small boy from district 3 carrying what looked to be a staff of some sort. Perfect. "You there, what's your name?" Shrek asked. "Lightlane, District 3," the boy responded. "Well, Lightlane, I think you can help solve a problem of mine," Shrek smiled. Cue to Lightlane with the staff itching Shrek's butt.
The curtains opened. Lightlane was still itching Shrek's butt, Shrek very much enjoying the matter. Tadia nudged his elbow, a grimace on her face as the two stopped and faced the crowd. The citizens pointed and gasped, never having seen such a… display.. at the chariot parade before. Up at the mentor's box, Finnick sits with his head in his hands, trying more than ever to make himself invisible. This "Shrek" was messing everything up, although he supposed that he may have an advantage in the arena, being as strong as he is.
The District Three boy leaped back into his chariot as it began to move. Shrek and Tadia's chariot began to move next, as Tadia waved her hand in a what-could-almost-be a condescending way. The Capitol citizens agreed, Tadia was hot and badass. Shrek, on the other hand, was quite confusing. Why was this tribute such a colorful shade of green? Why was someone itching his butt? Why was his costume….that? Oh well, he looked strong enough.
The moments dragged on, chariot after chariot, introduction after introduction. Tadia believed the best was saved for last, getting the chance to see the mysterious, good-looking girl in red once again. The two caught each other's eye and Tadia smiled, receiving a smile from the girl in red as well.
The crowd around the arena continued to cheer as Shrek and Tadia's chariot came to a stop in front of a podium. President Snow was waiting, carefully observing the contestants. His eyes seemed to gleam with the excitement of the crowd..or wait.. Did they just twinkle?! Shrek was once again reminded of the fuckery that had gone on inside his… what used to be his swamp. Fucking Dumblewhore. His lover had warned him, but it seemed to be too late now.
The next morning, Shrek awoke to the startling sound of wood hitting the ground. Flare Clearbreeze had somehow managed to break down the door, looking crazier than she had before- if that was possible.
"Oh, Shrek!" Flare cooed, "Tadia has been up for hours already! You must hurry if you are to get to the training center on time! The Careers will absolutely ADORE you! Ta ta!" She waltzed out of the room.
Shrek stared after her blankly, eyebrows raised in confusion. That woman was crazy. This whole world was crazy. He vowed to himself he'd one day return to his swamp and yeet Dumbledore once and for all- maybe even worse than yeet. He could really go for some onions right about now. Maybe a human.