"And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I will ever be and I don't want to go home now." -Iris
It was a beautifully warm evening at the beach. The waves were breaking calmly at the shore and the sun was glistering on the clear blue water, bathing the entire beach in a wholesome yellow. Despite the slight breeze coming from the ocean, it was not cold at all, and when Meredith closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, she smelled a whiff of salt and fish. She hadn't been at the beach in ages - the last time had been after Derek's death in San Diego - but she couldn't remember ever having felt so at peace.
"Derek," she breathed, when she opened her eyes again, only to find him sitting a few feet across from her on the same wooden beam. He was studying her with that characteristic sparkle in his eyes and that dreamy smile on his lips - the one that she missed so much. "You are still here." she said, as if she still couldn't believe that she had actually been talking to him.
"I am always gonna be here." he repeated the same words he had promised her so many times already. "The question is: why are you still here?" he asked and his broad smile faltered, "People love you, Meredith. People need you."
She knew that. "I am tired." Meredith signed. She felt like she could sleep for a week and still be tired. All of the stress of the past few weeks, months, and years even, finally seemed to have caught up with her.
"You are still fighting." he pointed out the obvious.
She knew that, too. The people she cared about so deeply were the reason why she had fought until now. Why she was still fighting. But she was honestly and truly tired. And this beach, it felt good. She didn't feel any pain, she felt at peace - which wasn't something she had ever admitted easily. And just this once, she wanted to be selfish. She just wanted to give in to the temptation of spending forever here with Derek... and Lexie and Mark and George, without thinking about the consequences.
"I want you closer!" she said stubbornly, almost like a little kid, even though she knew fully well that he couldn't do anything about it. She had asked him time and again to just come closer, so she could kiss him, hug him or simply take his hand into hers, because having him so close, almost within reach but not quite, was literally torture.
"If you get closer..."
"I will never leave." Meredith stated matter-of-factly, before exhaling deeply and getting up onto her feet. She hated this. With slow, hesitant steps she made her way to the water, until she felt the surprisingly cold water wash around her ankles. From the corner of her eyes she could pinpoint Derek standing to her right, but this time, his eyes were focused on the water in front of them.
"Look!" Derek exclaimed suddenly and pointed with his finger towards the horizon. When Meredith raised her hand to shield her eyes from the sun, she could see what he was so excited about: a ferry boat was sailing smoothly in the distance. She couldn't help but chuckle at Derek's enthusiasm, which was just another thing she had missed so much about him. Somehow he still believed in fairy tales, as Denny had once put it, and most of the time it complemented her tendency to get dark and twisty very well.
"Bailey has a thing for ferry boats, too." Derek stated then, a satisfied smirk gracing his face.
"He does," Meredith agreed.
"He wears that ferry boat scrub cap sometimes, did you know that?" he asked, when his eyes met hers and she nodded softly. He was still smiling, but she could see the pain of not being able to really experience any of these things in his eyes, when he spoke up again: "And he loves to show it to his friends and pretend that he is some hotshot surgeon. It's really funny."
Her infectious giggle filled the air between them. "Yeah, he does. He's a really sweet kid. A lot like you, actually." she said then.
"He is great. All of our kids are great." Derek replied with a hint of pride resonating in his voice, "And you are a fantastic mother, Meredith. You are doing such a good job... I mean with these kids and as a surgeon. You won a Harper Avery- wait, a Catherine Fox award is what they call it these days, right? Not that I am surprised, god, that abdominal wall transplant was excellent."
"I know."
His smirk only grew wider at her short reply, because it was so fitting for the Meredith he knew. They slowly picked up their pace again then and strolled along the beach side by side. He still wasn't touching her, of course, but this was probably the closest they had been over all the conversations they had had on this beach. And it felt wonderful, marvelous even. They shared stories about their kids and about the hospital and she couldn't remember the last time she had laughed so heartily. It was the closest to heaven Meredith had ever been.
Suddenly, Derek's previously content features hardened, as if he was thinking of something that was causing him great pain. "You know that I am sorry for leaving so soon, right? For leaving you. God, I really wish I could have stayed." he said then.
"That really was the worst way you could have broken up with me, you know that?" she retorted and laughed dryly, as she felt a tear prickle in the corner of her eye.
"For the record, it's not what I wanted. I wanted a lifetime, remember? I wanted to die in your arms when I am 110 years old." Derek's voice was playful, just like hers had been too, but they both knew that he meant it, "It would have been so much fun. Just you and me and the kids."
"I wanted that, too," Meredith whispered and came to an halt again. They both had wanted to spend the rest of their lives with each other and things ending so soon... well, it was definitely not what either of them had in my mind when it came to their future. She let her eyes gaze over the ocean in front of her, when she suddenly felt Derek's presence behind her. He still wasn't touching her, but even then she could feel the warmth radiating from his body and his hot breath against her cheek.
"Your hair still smells of lavendel." he pointed out in awe, "You didn't change it, even after all these years."
She closed her eyes, taking in the feeling of having him so close again. Weirdly enough, she felt butterflies fly like crazy in her stomach. Even after all this time. And the fact that it would only take a tiny step backwards for her to finally be in his arms again didn't exactly help in calming them.
"You gave me everything I needed, Mer... until my last breath." he whispered into her ear, setting her skin on fire.
Meredith closed her eyes and signed deeply, before turning around until their faces were only mere centimeters apart. She quietly studied his face, for the first time in what felt like forever, when she spoke up again: "I really, really don't want to leave."
"But you have to." Derek replied with a soft smile. It was more of an ascertainment than an appeal. She had already made her decision and they both knew it.
"I do. People love me. People need me." she repeated the words he had used before.
He chuckled. "Oh, they do."
It was then that everything else faded away. Meredith slowly reached out and cupped his face with both her hands. At the same time she felt Derek's arms wrap around her waist, carefully pulling her closer, until his warm body finally pressed against her own. She leaned in slightly, as they were losing themselves in each other's eyes, and for a few seconds they just stood there like that, almost as if they were frozen in time. When her lips finally crashed with his, he kissed her back with the same gentleness and love he had always had. And in that moment, as they were standing on the sun-flooded beach, deeply entangled, everything inside of her screamed to reverse her decision and to just give in completely.
"You don't make leaving any easier," she whispered against his lips, after they had parted and she began to absentmindedly stroke his dark hair. "Stay here. Don't move. Wait for me."
"I will be right here, I promise."
She smiled, but she couldn't help the tear that escaped her eye and before she could have brushed it away, he had already wiped it away with his thumb. Somehow this felt like she was saying goodbye to him all over again. Maybe for another 40 years. But, at the same time, it finally felt like they gotten some sort of a goodbye. His death had come so sudden that a lot of things had been left unsaid, but that was different now.
Meredith then buried her face in his light blue shirt, determined to take in his scent one more time. And in that moment, she felt incredibly safe and she knew that this was what heaven felt like. But it wasn't her time just yet. Still, she was hesistant. Finally, Meredith took a few steps backwards, until she was only clinging onto his hand.
"I will miss you,"
"You will be just fine." Derek replied and offered her a smile, "And whether you can see me or not, I am always there with you and the kids, you know? I am always there. And I will always be there. But... just give them an extra kiss from me, okay?"
She nodded. "I will," she promised and squeezed his hand one last time, before letting him go, "Goodbye Derek."
AN: Since I am torn between getting a MerDer endgame and also not wanting Meredith to die... this is what I would love to see happening tonight. My idea was basically that Meredith can only touch him, because she has already made the decision to live. As long as she hadn't made that decision, because she was torn herself, she couldn't touch him because it would have meant choosing him (and death). But since she made the decision, that no longer applies. I hope that makes sense lol and I hope they come up with something similar, because I need them to kiss or at least hug or something!