"You're going to let Hood steal your fries like that?" Red Robin asks Batgirl as the Batfamily sits crammed together in a booth at BatBurger.
"I'm not stealing," Jason protests, swiping two more fries from Steph's basket and stuffing them into his mouth. "I'm making sure Batgirl doesn't accidentally contaminate her mouth with a crispy fry," Jason says.
"It's a mutual service we provide to each other," Steph says, leaning into Red Hood's arm as she picks through his French fry basket for the soggy ones.
Batman and Robin's eyes flick to Red Hood and Batgirl almost simultaneously while Red Robin's pop out of his head.
"Are you dating?" he hisses in a tone that's way too close to horror for Red Hood's liking.
But what Jason likes even less is the way his chest tenses in preparation for the heartbreak of Steph's inevitable denial, because the deal was always fuckbuddies and nothing more.
So what if it had made more sense for Steph to move in with him since she'd still been living with her mom? It was convenience and practicality and Jason hadn't deluded himself into thinking that it changed the nature of their arrangement in the slightest.
Even if it did mean that they often ended up cooking meals side by side, or fighting over the remote and what TV show to watch, or grabbing food on the regular at BatBurger post-patrol before Jason drove them home on his bike.
And if they spend lazy Sundays snuggled up in bed watching movies, well, part of being fuckbuddies is being buddies, right? And buddies watch movies together.
So it won't mean anything when Steph denies that they have a relationship, because they don't. Have a relationship. They have an arrangement, and God knows that Jason is the last person anyone would want to date anyway, especially someone as awesome as Steph, who has paused with a fry halfway to her mouth as she ponders her answer.
Probably trying to censor it for the DemonBrat's juvenile ears.
"I think we're married, actually," Steph says slowly, looking up at Jason for confirmation. "But we forgot to make it legal."
"We should take care of that," Jason says way too evenly for someone whose heart has just exploded with a bigger blast than Joker's warehouse.
"We should," Batgirl agrees, smiling up at him the special way he loves, the way he only gets to see when he's deep inside her, and he's smiling at her, too, until she leans in and kisses him, right in BatBurger.
Damian loudly gags. Tim is silent.
Bruce clears his throat a long minute later.
"Family meeting tomorrow in the BatCave for a briefing on the cover story for Red Hood's resurrection, and then I'll put in a call to my lawyers to get the paperwork started."
"We'll need a press statement," Tim says numbly, in Wayne E. automode.
"Already written," Batman says.
Jason gives his father a look.
"Overprepared much, are we?"
"Always," Batman says easily, picking up his burger with both hands. He pauses.
"Except for a wedding, but I expect that Agent A has that covered."
"He does," Robin confirms.
"How do you know?" Steph says, raising an eyebrow.
"He needed my assistance in measuring Batcow for her future floral wreath," Damian says calmly.
"Batcow is going to be at our wedding?" Jason says, raising his own eyebrows now.
"Naturally," Damian responds with a glare that promises that Jason will regret any and all attempts at arguing with him. "She is part of the family."
"I would love to see how the paparazzi react to Batcow walking down the aisle at church as the flowergirl," Steph says thoughtfully.
"Oh, hell yeah!" Jason says, perking up. "Batcow is in."
"She was never out," Damian mutters.
"I need to get going," Red Robin says abruptly, standing up and shoving his tray aside.
"Are you ok?" Batgirl asks him gently.
"I'm great," Tim says tightly, spinning on his heel and leaving. Batman sighs.
"Give him some time," he says. "He'll get used to it."
"You all are supposed to be detectives," Jason says cheerfully as he snags some more of Steph's crispy fries. "He only has himself to blame for not figuring it out sooner."
And Jason can totally forgive himself for not figuring it out, because he's not a detective anymore, is he? He's a crimelord.
A crimelord who's freakin married to Batgirl!
"I love you so much," she tells him later that night, when she's smiling up at him again.
"I love you too, wifey," Jason says back.
The End
A/N - Thanks for reading! Comments are much appreciated.
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