But Why

Cora felt her heart breaking in her chest. It was all too much for her to contend with. All the changes. All the awful, awful things of the last few years and finally a reprieve but still more torment was thrust upon her now.

She felt very keenly like the woman she had been nearly thirty years ago, newly married and trying so desperately to be not who she was but who she was supposed to be. Funny to think that she could still be the same person deep inside after so long. What Cora felt now as she had felt then was that it was all so horribly unfair that she should have to just allow things to be this way. She could not understand the traditions and rules that English society forced upon her. And being a woman in her position, she was not permitted to push against it. Doing so would result in humiliation not only to her but to the family she married into, the family she had desperately wanted to be made a proper part of. Now, of course, she was a proper part of the family. She was Countess of Grantham and her husband loved her very much. It was everything she had ever wanted, back when she was barely older than a child. Back when she was Sybil's age. And Cora felt just like that now: petulantly railing against prescribed behavior that made no sense to her mind and even less sense to her heart.

"Please, Robert," she voiced rather pathetically that day in the library. She was working on her needlepoint by the fire. Robert was writing a letter at the desk with Isis at his feet, as always.

The letter that had brought this rift between them was lying on the ottoman in front of Cora, mocking her. Robert had left it there. He probably had not meant to cause her harm with its presence but that had been its effect.

When Robert did not respond, Cora tried once more. "Can't you see how important this is to me?"

Robert sighed, likely because Cora had said these words already. More than once. He paused his writing and turned in his chair toward her. "I can't," he told her emphatically. "I know you want to go, but I cannot allow it."

The injustice of it all bubbled inside her and threatened to pour out as the lump formed in her throat and the tears pricked her eyes. "My baby is getting married, and you won't allow me to go," she said, her voice cracking.

"Cora, she made her choice!" Robert snapped. "She made her choice to go off with the chauffeur, and an Irish socialist revolutionary at that, and she has given us no choice in return!"

"You may turn your back on her, Robert, but I can't. I am her mother and I want to be with her for her wedding. I want to see her happy." The tears started falling on their own accord.

"Sybil does not want us at her wedding," he said quietly, her head down and revealing the pain that the situation caused him. The pain he hid with his anger and his stupid rules.

Cora put her needlepoint aside and crossed over to him. She took his dear face in her hands as she stood before him, and she caressed his cheeks as she implored, "Please let me go to her. She wouldn't have written to me to say when and where the wedding would be if she truly did not want us to come. I understand if you won't allow yourself to support it by attending, but please, please let me go. Let me see her."

"We can't," he answered. His voice was quiet. Sad. But firm.

The overwhelming pain in Cora's heart spread throughout her body and unearthed an anger she had not anticipated. She dropped her hands away from him and took a step back. "Why? Why are you doing this? Why are you putting your stupid title and traditions before our family?"

Robert stood at that, his anger flaring up again to match hers. "That remark is purposefully obtuse of you," he snarled. "Everything I do is for our family!"

"Everything you do is for Downton," she fired back. "Every single one of us exists in your orbit to serve the estate. Don't you dare pretend that me or our daughters are ever your priority! Though perhaps things would be different if I hadn't failed to give you a living, breathing son." As soon as the words left her mouth, Cora knew she had gone too far.

He stared at her as though she had struck him across the face.

"Oh Robert, I—" she stammered, hoping to take it back, to apologize, to do something to make those nasty, awful words disappear from existence and from memory.

"I don't think we should discuss this any further. Neither of us will be going to Sybil's wedding." And with that, Robert turned and walked out of the room.

Isis got up to follow him, and Cora collapsed down on the nearest chair, sobbing uncontrollably. But the dog changed her mind. She turned back toward Cora and put her head in Cora's lap. Cora put scratched her ears and felt the comfort that only a dog could ever manage to provide until the tears eventually ended.

Cora did not know how long she remained there, crying and catching her breath and petting Isis and wishing she had learned the lesson she'd pretended at for years as a countess: overcoming her emotion.

Footsteps caused Cora to sit up and wipe the tears off her face. She tried to return herself to the proper façade she could normally maintain so easily. It was not as easy as usual, but she would not cause the staff the discomfort of seeing her out of sorts.

But instead of Carson coming to see to Her Ladyship, it was Robert returning to the library. Cora stood and tried to show strength. "Would you like me to go so you can finish your letter?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

"No," he answered. His voice was similarly weakened by emotion. "No, I don't want to finish my letter and I especially don't want you to go. I can't let you think, even in anger, that I could ever, ever think—"

"Please don't," Cora begged interrupting. "I didn't mean to say what I said, and I don't want to talk about it."

"We lost our son, Cora. We did," he said, his voice raised over her protests. "I nearly lost you, too. But we have each other, and that is all that matters."

"But I—"

"No!" Robert shouted. "You are not at fault, you do not need to apologize, you do not need for one moment to feel anything but proud of all that you are and all you have done."

"Oh Robert…" That was as far as Cora could go before her tears overtook her once more.

He did not hesitate to cross toward her and draw his weeping wife into his arms. He held her tight and whispered gently, "I love you, my darling, I will always love you, and I want so desperately to make the world better for you. For you and our girls. I love you all so very much."

It was in the back of Cora's mind to press him, to ask him why he would refuse to allow her to see Sybil's wedding if he loved them all so much. But she knew better. She knew her husband, knew him better than anyone else ever possibly could. She knew that he loved them all, but he also knew that he could not compromise about Sybil's wedding. And she had known that from the beginning, despite her hurt at the situation. For now, it was enough to have him hold her, to have him love her, to have him tell her so. She could write to Sybil and give her all their best wishes. And that would just have to be enough.