It had been several days since he had run. Jacob stood in front of the shop window, looking at his reflection. He looked huge; his formerly gangly form looked unsettlingly big now. Bella had been right to be concerned.
He shut his eyes tightly, shaking his head hoping to dispel the memories of her. He didn't even want to think of her name if he could help it. He had left La Push two weeks ago, driving further and further east. He stuck to concrete and city lights as much as possible. The wolf can't come out here, the risk forced a level of control that the forests didn't.
"Wow," he heard a tall, blond girl say as she passed. It was a low whisper to her friend, something he never should have heard. He cringed away from the compliment, but watched the girls disappear around the corner. There had been a time not so long ago that he would smile at such attention, smug in his youth. Now he felt twenty years older, unconcerned with anyone but her.
He felt raindrops smatter his too-warm skin, soaking his shirt and hair. It didn't affect him but if he stood like this people would notice. He started moving again, stepping into a bar and walking to the back tables. He glanced up at the big screen mounted in the corner, the news played. He listened as the women described the latest missing persons, hikers from small towns turning up dead. Theories about wild animals followed by experts where discussed. He watched in disgust; it was obvious what had killed them. If only people opened their eyes to the macabre and unnatural.
"what can I get you," the women asked sweetly.
Jacob glanced up, not bothering to return the smile. "rum and coke," he said gruffly.
"Ok, I'll just need to see some ID, hun."
He sat there for a moment, almost pleased that she didn't agree right away. It had been a long time since he felt like a kid. He wondered for a moment if he should try to lie. She watched him, her smile fading ever so slightly as experience took hold and she realized he was underage.
"You can't be in here," she said. A hard edge to her voice.
"It's raining yours was the first open sign I came across," He replied with a shrug.
Relief flitted across her face as she realized this massive boy wasn't going to cause trouble. Glancing out into the downpour, she said "well I guess you can stay for a bit."
He flashed a grin that didn't quite meet his eyes. His face felt stiff, it had been so long since he used those particular muscles. "Thanks."
"I'm going to get you a coke, she replied and walked away.
He sat there looking around him, ill at ease as was custom since he left the pack. He figured that was some trick of the condition, like imprinting or mind sharing. Some way to keep the pack together, though he couldn't be sure. In the thousands of years of their history no one had ever run. Even in Sam's early days when he left, he never was able escape what he was.
Jacob smiled to himself in a sad way. A half baked since of pride washing through him as he realized he was the first of his kind. A lone wolf, he recoiled against the term. When did he become so cheesy, he thought to himself.
The server walked over than setting down a glass in front of him. He looked at the napkin, taking in the name of the bar for the first time. Bitten it was called, the logo looked like dripping fangs. He rolled his eyes; the humans had a sick obsession with bloodsuckers. He never understood the fascination even before he found out they were mortal enemies. He took a long sip on the drink, it reminded him of those days in his makeshift garage, hanging with Bella. He said her name in his head, wincing as he did so but it was unavoidable. He had seen what it did to her, pretending that someone didn't exist.
He held the glass in his large hands, watching as the liquid sloshed in time to the trembling of his hands. He set it back down.
"What's this guys problem," a man nearby jeered.
Jacob sat there unfazed, wondering if the man could hear the slurring of his speech. Though the trembling picked up and he tucked his hands under the table.
"What a freak," he stumbled as he spoke, his drink spilling.
Jacob laughed despite himself, a low chuckle that seemed like a shadow of humor he once felt.
"What are you laughing at," the man turned unsteadily to stare at Jacob, his eyes slightly unfocused?
"I've never seen a drunk before," he replied, suppressing another laugh. The man's expression didn't concern Jacob. He had fought much worse, he almost wished it would be a fair fight.
"Whatever asshole," the man grumbled. He looked at Jacob more closely taking in his hulking frame and took a few steps back.
Jacob smirked. "you're the one causing a scene, he said loud enough for him to hear over the music. He saw the situation deescalating and his reckless nature overcame his better judgement.
The man step forward, pushing away his friends' cautious hand as he tried to pull him back.
Jacob stood, towering over the man and his friend, they looked like frat boys. He took a few steps forward nonchalantly, his face calm. There was no anger, just a sick enjoyment as he imagined a fight. It was a symptom he knew on a deeper level; he had kept the wolf at bay for too long and now he lashed at his cage. Slowly breaking through his restraint.
"We don't want any trouble," the server must have gotten the bar owner while he had been occupied. Jacob glanced at her, recoiling from the look of betrayal she cast his way.
Jacob stepped back, coming to his senses. He looked around the bar, every eye was on him. He walked away, his large strides taking him to the door in seconds.
He cursed himself as he walked through the still raging storm, no longer caring what he looked like. He wanted distance between himself in that bar. He had damn near ruined everything, his guarded secret. A pang of guilt shot through him as he realized how close he came to exposing not only him but his pack. He knew that once he threw his first punch, his unconcerned façade would give way and the wolf would come out, literally. Then where would they be? What would happen to Quil, Embry? Even Sam.
And all because of some girl. He tried to play it of like it was a pack thing, getting away from it all, but what it really boiled down to was a heartbreak. One that was so bad the betrayal stung like salt water on an open wound. He could still see the anger on her face, the devastation as what he had said sank in. he still couldn't bring himself to feel guilty about it. He thought he could keep her safe, by keeping her away from the leech.
He felt tears leak down his unwilling eyes, as he remembered every excruciating detail. The conversation he had with Edward, the pause as everyone processed what had happened. Bella and Alice planning their rescue mission as He stood there, panic turning his stomach as he realized she intended to throw herself at the mercy of a horde of ancient vampires. He felt the first wave then, when she chose him. It was the strongest anguish he could remember.
He walked on down the street, empty now that the storm had picked up even more. He didn't want to think of her now, having saved him. How happy she must be now; he had left that night. A letter to Billy on the small kitchen table, with a request to tell Sam what had happened.
He couldn't bear to stay around, it was a small chance he would see them, but he didn't think his heart could handle it.
He stood in front of a cheap looking motel; his nose wrinkled against the smell emanating from it. He stared a while but turned away running towards the woods. As he ran faster and faster a sense of freedom washed over him, even in human form he felt the weight of his pain fall away. He even smiled a genuine smile.
He took a few sniffs as he entered the forest, checking for anything out of place. He didn't smell anyone or anything and without slowing down, he phased. He felt the familiar sensation, one that had so often frightened him, but all he felt in that moment was a profound sense of relief. It had taken it's toll he realized hiding from himself.
"Then you never should have left," the voice he heard in his mind then wasn't his and he jumped. He had run so far when he left, traveling in human form on his bike that he hadn't had anyone else in his head in a long time. He didn't really know where he was if he were being honest, but he thought it was far enough away.
Jacob stood still, staring around him, knowing Sam would know where to find him now.
"I won't come after you," he answered his thoughts.
"Thank you," Jacob replied.
"It's not a favor, I just can't afford to leave La Push undefended," there was a bite in Sam's thoughts. "You left us a man down and the leeches are back, what did you expect to happen?"
Sam was right, he thought, he ran like a coward. Shame filled him and he let out an involuntary whine, painfully aware the Sam would hear it.
"You should come home," it was Embry now.
"I don't know if I can," he thought. His mind flashed to Bella against his will and he heard Paul groan. If he were in human form he would have blushed with embarrassment.
"This is all over some leech-loving chick," Jared thought?
Jacob felt a surge of anger despite himself. He didn't understand his feelings for Bella. Love, hate, heartbreak; all he knew now was that he couldn't stay here. He had a duty to uphold. He wavered a moment, unsure.
"Come home, now," Sam ordered.
Jacobs legs moved in the direction of home without a conscious effort.