Tokiya sighed as he handed off the correct amount of change to the ticket agent, giving them a half-hearted smile as they handed him a slip of paper in return. This wasn't his favorite idea, but it kept him further away from the cause of his pain.

Walking through the station towards the designated platform, Tokiya pulls the baseball cap adorning his head down and lifts his face mask up. It would be hard to pick him out with it being so dark out already, but he didn't want any unnecessary run-ins especially with his current circumstances.

It was relatively quiet in the station, though the time and the weather played a key role. The only sounds that rang out were people dragging their luggage and the announcements of how much longer it would take for its arrival. The quiet would've been peaceful if he didn't feel so stuck in his head already.

Only there were no thoughts running through his mind. For once, it felt entirely empty. It was numbing in the worst way imaginable.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, no doubt phone calls and texts from the rest of STARISH, but he couldn't be bothered to pay them any mind. Instead, Tokiya pulled out the device for the sole reason of shutting it entirely. He knew they only held the best intentions, but he was an adult and didn't need to be cared for all the time.

He stepped back from the platform, pocketing the device once more as he watched the train pull in. Gripping the ticket in his hand tighter, Tokiya silently shuffled in with the crowd to find his assigned single room. If this were a normal trip, he'd happily take one of the seats in the lounge to read as he watched the landscape go by. Instead, Tokiya immediately discards his shoes and sits down on the small mattress in the space, leaning his back against the wall as he sprawled his legs out in front of him. He could still see the rest of the crowd attempting to shuffle on, watching on as people struggled with their larger bags.

He didn't remember where the train was taking him, having opted for whatever he could get considering how late it was to even purchase a ticket. It wasn't as if he cared, though. He needed to escape the Master Dorms. He needed to escape watchful eyes that held nothing but pity for him. More importantly, he needed to escape him.

Tokiya sighed for what felt like the millionth time that evening alone, huffing to himself when he noticed the splatter of rain beginning to fall against the windows. How poetic for such an evening.

To think that merely a day ago he was at his happiest.

Where did everything go wrong?

.

. . .

.

The night had been perfect.

Reiji and Tokiya were celebrating their third year together, and they were genuinely happy. During their lowest lows and highest highs, there wasn't one moment they weren't able to overcome. Through busy schedules and late evenings out, they persevere and never hesitated to work things out. Despite being unable to share their love with anyone outside of their respective bands, the pair couldn't find it in themselves to care at all. There were days they wished they could be more open about their relationship, but it didn't faze them in the slightest. They loved working with their bands and pleasing fans, so it wasn't too big of a surprise that they settled on keeping it a secret.

Only they had been talking about the possibility of a future together. The conversation came around every now and then, and it always ended with them having discussed what they wished they could have. Their own place to live, being away from all the cameras, settling down... With all of that came so many other responsibilities that they had been pushing off, though.

But tonight was the night Tokiya had decided on taking the first step towards their dream future.

He had informed the rest of his band about his plan, easily getting the rest of them on board with it. Once the pair had left for their anniversary dinner out, Tokiya had relied on the others to decorate and set the occasion for the Master Course dorms. Tokiya's phone was settled in his lap under the table, waiting for the confirmation text from Otoya. Until then, he'd have to keep Reiji entertained enough at the restaurant they were currently at.

"Tokki, you keep glancing down. Is everything okay?"

Tokiya practically jumped in his seat, eyes flitting up immediately to find silver hues set into a feature displaying only concern. "I didn't mean to worry you. I'm sorry, Rei. I seem to keep getting lost in my thoughts tonight." Tokiya tried to laugh off the nervousness that must be apparent on him, hoping that Reiji will let it go.

He should've known that wouldn't be the case, though.

"If you aren't feeling well, we can just call it for the night. I don't mind staying in with you either. You've been working hard the past few weeks."

Tokiya's eyes widened as he frantically shook his head. "No! Really, I'm alright, Rei. I think I may be more worried than I thought I would be over my most recent finished work."

Reiji seems to accept this as an answer as he visibly relaxed back into his chair. "I trust you, Tokki. The song sounded great when you played it for me. Your fans are going to love it!" Giving his best grin, Reiji leaned forward to place one of his hands against the one Tokiya has settled next to his own silverware.

Lacing his fingers with Reiji's, Tokiya smiled back at him as he tried to let the moment they were sharing rid himself of all his nerves.

The rest of their time out together seemed to fly by. Otoya had given him the OK once their dessert had arrived, but Tokiya found himself in no rush to get back. It felt like he had only just finally settled himself down for the evening, and now all he could think about was the little box sitting in his jacket pocket.

Now, the two of them were walking back to Reiji's car, closer and closer to the very moment Tokiya had been dreaming about.

"My place or the dorms?"

Usually they switched back and forth between the two options, depending on what they wished for in the rest of their evening together. They would go to the apartment Reiji shared with the rest of Quartet Night if they wanted a more intimate evening together, or they'd choose the Master Course dorms, which meant just enjoying each other's presence and settling down comfortably for the evening together. It was hard to really be at the dorms as Tokiya still shared a room with Otoya, but Reiji never minded as he usually enjoyed the time talking to his junior whom he didn't often see.

"The dorms? If you don't mind, that is." Tokiya tried his best to smile despite his nerves.

"I never do, Tokki." Reiji bent down from where he was holding the passenger down to plant a chaste kiss to Tokiya's lips, grinning as he parted from the other.

The car ride back was spent in silence, but one that was comfortable for them both. That is, it would've been much more enjoyable if Tokiya hadn't spent almost the entire time sweating through the dress shirt he wore.

Getting back to the dorms didn't take much time either. Tokiya couldn't tell if that was to his chagrin or exultation, though.

His heart seemed to be trying to beat out of his chest, hammering loudly in his ears as Reiji parked the car by the dorm building and opened the car door for him. Tokiya locked one of his hands with one of Reiji's as they walked, using his warmth as comfort as they made their way towards the entrance.

Luckily the lights were off, meaning the others had to be around waiting. The decorations weren't visible at all either. Whatever they planned for them, clearing it wasn't anything over the top. He had made sure to tell Masato and Ren he wasn't looking for anything ostentatious, despite it being the first engagement for any of them. It didn't need to be a photoshoot.

Before Reiji could continue walking in the direction of Tokiya's dorm, Tokiya paused in his steps ultimately stopping the other as well. Tokiya sucked in a sharp breath before exhaling slowly, centering himself before he made a fool of himself.

"Tokki?" Reiji backtracked quickly, removing his hand from Tokiya's grasp to settle both of his hands on either side of the younger idol's face. "Is something wrong?"

"Dance with me?" Tokiya smiled at him sheepishly, knowing that the request sounded ridiculous. The other's were surely around the corner snickering at his not-so-subtle charms.

Reiji grinned brightly at him through the darkness, letting his hands slide down for one to settle at Tokiya's waist and the other back in his grip once more. Tokiya sighed shakily, using Reiji as his anchor now. They began swaying as they moved in slow circles, Tokiya playing with one of the brown curls that settled against the collar of Reiji's dress shirt. Reiji hummed in what he assumed was content, finding himself silently agreeing with the other.

It was now or never.

"Rei, I couldn't possibly dream of being with anyone else in my life. I love you with every fiber of my being, and I know I always will." Tokiya paused to let Reiji respond, trying not to make his intentions clear as of yet.

"You know I feel the exact same way, Tokki. I love you now, and I always will, too."

Tokiya swallowed past the lump beginning to form in his throat, dropping his hand from Reiji's collar to where their hands were held together. Dropping to the ground on one knee, Tokiya slid one of his hands away to find the box in his pocket. It took a moment of fumbling, but he still managed to open the box quickly, lifting the silver band for Reiji to see.

Instead of an answer, he was met with silence.

Tokiya was sure Reiji could hear his heartbeat with how loudly it began ringing. He peered up at Reiji's face through the darkness, though unable to capture a glimpse of what his expression read.

"Reiji Kotobuki, will you marry me?"

More silence.

Tokiya swallowed deeply, hoping that time had only slowed down for him.

Only it hadn't.

"I can't."

Before Tokiya could process Reiji's words, the lights were flicked on and the pop of a champagne bottle resonated through the crowd along with the cheers of what must've been his friends.

With the lights on, Reiji's face was clear as day. The adoration that settled in since the start of the evening was now replaced with conflict and sorrow, one Tokiya couldn't quite figure out. Tokiya found himself desperately searching for the right words from Reiji's eyes, hoping he'd turn around calling it a prank that maybe he'd have planned this with a ring of his own. There had to be something he was missing. Anything.

"I'm sorry."

Reiji's hand slipped from his grip as he all but ran for the doors. Tokiya could only stare at his retreating figure with surprise and hurt, left kneeling on the ground as the ring fell from his hands and to the floor. What had he missed?

The room fell into silence almost immediately. Clearly everyone was just as surprised about the turn of events as Tokiya was himself. Then almost instantaneously, chaos broke out in the lobby. Tokiya hardly registered any of it, but he could feel someone help lift him up and back on his feet. They were moving somewhere - away from everything, he assumed - but couldn't exactly move past the numb pain that was beginning to settle around his heart and in his mind. Tokiya couldn't tell if the world had slowed down or somehow picked up speed tenfold. It all felt like a blur.

And then Ren's face slowly came into focus.

Tokiya blinked a few times as he tried to push past the ringing in his ears and the deafening silence his mind had spun. They were in one of the lounges right off of the main lobby, and it seemed like it was only the two of them. Ren had gotten him to sit down on one of the couches, sitting right in front of him with his hands on Tokiya's shoulders. Ren was saying something to him, but Tokiya couldn't quite figure out what.

He said no. He left. He's gone.

"Icchi, please. I need you to focus on the sound of my voice. Come back." Ren looked scared, but there was a hardness underlining it that almost frightened Tokiya.

Tokiya opened his mouth to speak but couldn't find the right words - or any for that matter. All of them had witnessed Reiji saying no. All of them watched him walk away.

"C'mon, Icchi. I know I can't imagine the pain you're in right now, but I need you to try to focus. Everything is going to be okay. We're here for you. I'm here for you."

Unbearable pain... will it be okay? Slowly, his mind began working once more. The tears were quick to follow. At first, they were a steady stream that Ren made his job to wipe away. Soon after they began falling quicker than Ren could get rid of them, opting to pull Tokiya into a hug instead. He still said nothing, feeling numb in about every sense he possibly could.

"I'm so sorry, Icchi... I'm so sorry..."

Tokiya wasn't sure how long they were sitting there, but it was apparently long enough for him to fall asleep like that. He woke up slowly to find himself staring at the ceiling of his bedroom. Only briefly did he wonder how he had gotten there before remembering the events of the evening once more. Tokiya stared up at the ceiling blankly, letting his mind wander aimlessly through the events that had occurred. It wasn't like himself to outwardly dwell on sharp emotions, though.

Steeling the mindset he had previously honed before STARISH was formed, Tokiya sighed as he pushed himself into an upright position in his bed. What better way to handle devastating heartbreak than ignore it altogether by working constantly? It kept his mind plenty focused, and this time on much more important matters. A relationship the fans or anyone in the staff of the agency didn't know shouldn't weigh down his work and his real purpose. Putting STARISH's name on the map for the entire world to see was what he needed to stay focused on. Maybe this would be better. Staying single would be easier.

Hardened with this newfound confirmation in himself, Tokiya pushed himself out of his bed to ready himself for the day. He didn't need to check the time to figure out what time of day it was. Considering the sheer amount of sunlight trying to filter its way through the blinds, it had to be the later afternoon. Clearly the others had called out for him. It couldn't hurt to go to whatever he had left for the day if that was really the case then.

He had missed about half of the meeting regarding their next live performance, but he was quick to catch on when he finally arrived at Shining Tower. The rest of his band were visibly surprised to see him appear, but none of them made any comments until they made their way back to the dorms.

The atmosphere surrounding the now crowded lobby was tense to say the least. Tokiya had picked up one of the few books he stashed in the room, settling on one of the couch cushions as he had less than twenty-four hours alone. The rest of the band was staring at him from various points in the room, baffled as to what should be said on the matter if anything at all.

Otoya was the first to speak up, having walked from the semi-circle he had created with Natsuki and Syo to sit beside him on the couch. "Hey, Tokiya. How are... uh... How are you doing?" His words were just barely above a whisper, talking to him as if Tokiya would shatter right away.

Tokiya couldn't afford that, though. He had a job to do as the 'T' in STARISH, and now he would be focusing all of his attention previously held elsewhere on bettering himself and the group. "I'm a bit tired, but I'll be fine. We have one more consultation regarding the logistics of the live before we work with the costuming department, correct? We should use the time available to us after to rehearse through the choreography loosely if possible." Tokiya flipped the page in his book, not having glanced up once as he spoke.

Otoya awkwardly glanced around the room as he tried to ask for help silently from the others. Ren, who had side-eyed Masato for a silent conversation on their own, was the next one to talk.

"Icchi, are you ignoring what happened?"

It was very obviously what he was trying to do, but he failed to see the point in dwelling in such heartstopping waves of hurt. Of course he was miserable thinking about the very person he saw himself spending the rest of his life with leaving him so abruptly. Of course he wanted nothing more than to sink into the despair that numbed him all over. It was too hard to avoid entirely. What would be the point, though? He'd worry everyone around him, waste the time of everyone who worked in the Shining Agency, hold back STARISH's career... just to name a few alone. He had to pull himself together. There wasn't any other option.

"No, I'm only moving past it."

This gained an unfavorable frown from not only Ren but everyone else as well.

"Ichinose, I don't believe your actions to be wise in such regard."

"I agree with Hijirikawa, Icchi. You'll only hurt yourself worse."

Tokiya had stopped reading the words on the pages in front of himself, white-knuckling the book itself as he listened on. "What gives any of you the right to decide how I move forward?"

He had heard the rather loud footsteps approaching himself but hardly paid them any mind until his book was ripped out of his hands, Ren leaning over him with a very distinguishable rage displayed across his features. "Your actions aren't new to us. We're all well aware of how you plan on handling this. We're just stopping you before it gets too far."

The conversation quickly shifted from one of concern and worry to shouting, though for whatever reason the only ones talking were now just Tokiya and Ren.

That was how he ended up in the exact position he was in now, tucked into the corner of one of the many single rooms on the Sunrise Izumo train line that was leading him to nowhere. As if Mother Nature was aware of his circumstances, the sunshine had quickly turned around into pouring rain and rushing winds.

Pulling out his wallet, Tokiya eyed the photo of Reiji that sat there with a sad smile gracing his lips.

The photo had been taken on a much colder day set in November of two years prior. The weather had shifted to a light snow they were vastly unprepared for. The heat had also just stopped working in Reiji's apartment, so to say they were simply cold was an understatement. Tokiya had one more layer on than Reiji did, so he was quick to slip his arms out of the flannel outer layer he wore to wrap it around Reiji's shoulders. Reiji could've easily gotten away with getting up to throw one of his own sweatshirts on, but it was a better excuse to give Reiji one of Tokiya's own shirts. Besides, it gave Tokiya the option of stealing one of Reiji's own. It was easily a far better trade off for the both of them.

It was such a simple night, but the photo he had secretly taken of Reiji as happy as he was after had brought him insurmountable joy. After having Reiji's own approval of the photo, he had gotten it printed to keep in his wallet. When they were too busy to see each other during the week, it served as a nice reminder of the joy they felt together.

Now all it brought was pain.

For three years worth of dedication and jokes and sadness and joy to be thrown away all in one evening was devastating to say the least. It was a blow he hadn't been expecting. Maybe there were signs he had missed - there had to be if this was the outcome of an evening that should've brought him endless joy for the rest of his life. He could've been holding on to the love of his life... now he was merely trying to pick up the shattered edges of his glass heart.

He could grow, though. No... he would grow. He had a feeling that the pain he felt now wouldn't last forever even if he felt otherwise in that moment.

Maybe one day someone will hold his hand while dancing again. One day, someone else's picture will be in his wallet.

One day, he won't remember the insurmountable grief he currently felt trapped in.

Tokiya pulled the photo out of his wallet and tucked it into the frame of the window, letting tears fall for the moments they were truly happy together.

No matter the form it came in, he knew one day he'd find happiness again.

These broken memories would only seem like champagne problems.

And he'd be happy.