It's amazing how different the world is at night.
It's as though the setting of the sun beckons an entirely new world. Once the moon rises into position, the landscape becomes almost unrecognizable; familiar and welcoming paths by day become labyrinths in the dark, even to experienced travelers. Timid, harmless wild creatures disappear, and are replaced with the most vicious of nocturnal predators. The air itself calms and cools, as if resting alongside the many sleeping beings throughout the land. For Rayla, nighttime also often changed her own perspective on the day's events...the quietness of the evening gave her mind time to run rampant, questioning things she had said or done, reading too far into interactions with other people, second guessing every decision she had ever made or considered…
Most nights, she was able to force these intrusive thoughts from her mind. But it was always temporary...sooner or later, they would come back, often louder than before. Some nights she felt like she was being swallowed by them whole, consumed by anxiety and self doubt. When she was home in Xadia, she always had to endure these dark times alone; assassins were supposed to be able to control their emotions, to trust their instincts. Nobody there would understand what she felt, nor would they have much cared. Just stop worrying so much, Rayla, you're overthinking everything for no reason, she had been told once by Ethari.
But her brain didn't often listen to reason.
Normally on such nights, the moon came as a comfort to her. It was the literal source of her power, and the symbolic token of her people. The moon gave her strength, both physically and mentally; it was always there, even if she couldn't see it. But on this particular night, Rayla found the moon did nothing but remind her of what was bothering her in the first place. It seemed to mock her, hanging in her direct eye line and shining so brightly it cast shadows on the trees and rocks below. But she couldn't escape it; she needed some air, and some privacy from the three princes who slept soundly inside the cave behind her. The young elf let her body lean back against the rock, sliding to the ground just adjacent to the cave opening. Tonight was a night where she couldn't suffocate the unwelcome thoughts. Not only did they keep coming, but they felt as though they were taking an actual hold on her body. Rayla's chest was getting squeezed tighter and tighter, her breath getting harder to come by with each passing minute. She felt both hot and cold at the same time, as though she had fallen into a frozen lake and then jumped on a fire to warm up again. It had been a long time since she'd had a night this bad...not since she found out her parents weren't coming back. But the thoughts didn't stop coming. Soon blackness rimmed her vision, if she couldn't get a breath in soon she was going to surely -
"Rayla?" a soft voice called out from inside the cave. Callum had woken up in the night and realized the elf was no longer in her makeshift bed. A small part of her brain realized he had called for her, but she couldn't make a sound, let alone move in his direction.
When he didn't get a response, Callum ventured out into the night, and saw his friend a short distance away. He smiled in relief. "There you are, Rayla, I was about to get -"
Rayla didn't acknowledge him. Her breaths had become frantic and shallow, one hand pressed firmly against her chest as though it could pull more air out, and the other shaking uncontrollably at her side.
"Rayla! What's wrong?" Callum looked around in alarm, arms out in front of himself in defense, or at least an attempt at one. "Is something out here? Were you attacked? Are you hurt?"
The elf finally noticed his presence, but couldn't do more than shake her head no. Callum was confused for a moment, looking around to be sure nothing was about to jump out at them. When he was satisfied that they were alone, he stepped over to his friend and crouched down at her side. Callum placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, getting a better look at her face. When he saw the frightened look in her eyes, he had a sudden realization. He knew that look all too well.
"Rayla," he said, trying to keep his voice gentle. "I...I think you're having a panic attack. I used to get them all the time growing up. Just...here." He leaned her forward slightly so her head was closer to her knees. "Panic attacks are scary, but you're going to be okay. All we have to do is get your breathing under control." He got down in a more comfortable sitting position close to her, keeping his hand on her shoulder the whole time.
"Okay, try to focus on your breath - breathe in from your nose and out through your mouth." It took several tries, but eventually Rayla was able to follow his instructions. Her breaths still came rapidly, but he took it as a good sign that she was listening. "Good, just like that! Okay, now we're going to do an exercise my mom taught me. It's called 5-4-3-2-1 grounding, it'll help focus your mind so you can get back in control of your breathing. First, let's find five things we can see." Callum realized she wasn't in a position to speak yet. "Um, okay, how about I go first. I see that big funny shaped boulder down there. I see the little dipper constellation up there in the sky. I see that really big tree to your left. Over on that rock, I see a little snail, and I see all of our footprints we made in the mud climbing up there." Rayla still didn't speak, but he did see her eyes follow along as he pointed to each thing.
"Alright, you're doing great. Next we have to find four things we can touch. Here, how about my scarf? Feel how soft it is." He gently grabbed her free hand and ran it across the tail of his scarf. "This rock behind you, can you feel how coarse it is against your back? And the hilt of your blades," he said as he moved her hand to the weapon on her hip, "it's cool to the touch. What about that moss on your left?" It took a moment longer than normal, but Rayla moved her other hand towards the patch Callum pointed out. "I bet it's super spongy, huh?" he asked. Rayla simply nodded her head, but her breathing had definitely slowed down.
"Okay, Rayla, great job. The next thing is hearing. What can you hear, Rayla?"
"I…" she said in a much quieter voice than normal. "I can...hear the river,"
"Awesome, I can hear it too. What else?"
Rayla paused, listening to their surroundings. There was a soft hoot in the distance. "An owl..."
"Perfect. One more thing"
"Um...Bait snoring." Sure enough, the little glow toad's snores echoed out through the cave, amplified by the rocks.
"Very good. Keep breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. You got this. Okay, now we need to find two things we can smell."
Rayla's voice was still quiet and raspier than normal, but it seemed to come to her easier now. "I smell...the fire, the smoke. And...the pine trees."
Callum beamed at her and patted her arm. "Good job. Okay, last thing. One thing you can taste."
"I guess...moon berries. They were the last thing I ate."
"Perfect! You did it, Rayla! How are you feeling now?"
She took in a deep breath, the first proper one she had been able to take in quite awhile. "Loads better. I can breathe now. Um…" Rayla wiped at her cheeks, realizing for the first time there were tear tracks running down her face. She glanced at Callum as a pink blush grew across her face. "Thank you for helping me, Callum...ugh. I'm so embarrassed." She leaned her head back against the rock, looking up at the sky, wishing she were invisible. She was grateful Callum had been there to help, but...him seeing her like this...
"Hey, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, Rayla!" he said earnestly. "My mom used to say that sometimes our mind gets ahead of our body and spirit. When that happens, you need to make yourself slow down and breathe so they can catch up, and help you work through your problems. Your mind must have just gotten ahead of you tonight, that's all."
"Yeah," she scoffed, "you could say that…"
Callum knew she was probably still working through some things in her head, and let a few moments of comfortable silence pass. He realized suddenly his hand was still on her shoulder; embarrassed, and afraid she would say something about it, he pulled it back before speaking again.
"Well, listen, it's okay if you don't want to, but honestly...sometimes it helps just to talk to someone about what's bothering you. Even if they can't do anything to help, just getting stuff off your chest can make you feel so much better. And I just want you to know that I'm always here if you ever need to vent. I'm a great listener, if I do say so myself!" he said, waggling his eyes at her, eliciting a small giggle.
"I...I don't know. It's dumb, honestly."
"Rayla," he said, turning so he could properly look at her while he talked, his voice getting serious. "Your feelings are never 'dumb'. No matter what, your emotions are valid, and I promise you can talk to me without any judgement, ever."
The elf sighed and pulled her knees tight to her chest, wrapping her arms around her shins. "It's just...something that Villads said to me the other day. I keep thinking about it over and over."
"Was he rude to you? Because I'll walk all the way back there and Fulminis his rear if I have to!"
Rayla smiled at him, appreciative of the gesture. "No, no, nothing like that. Actually, what he said was pretty good advice. He told me that life is like a river. You can't see too far ahead, and you don't know where the bends will take you. You can't control it; all you can control is yourself. And as long as you know yourself, who you are and what you stand for, then wherever the river takes you, you'll always be right where you were always meant to be."
"That old kook said that?" Callum said in disbelief.
"Shocking, I know," she replied. "I actually found it quite beautiful, and in the moment it really helped me. I've always known who I was. I've always been so sure about everything, what I stand for, where I belong. But now…" Rayla paused. The thoughts were hard enough to deal with, but getting the words out was proving to be equally difficult. "Ever since we met, Callum, ever since we found Zym's egg still alive, my entire world changed. I always believed humans were evil, no exceptions, just as I was taught. But now I know that isn't true at all. In fact, almost every single thing I had ever learned about humans was completely wrong. My people were so focused on revenge and vengeance that nobody ever even considered trying to find a way toward peace. And now that I see the big picture, I understand how flawed our beliefs were. So I'm left questioning almost everything I have ever been told, everything I was raised to believe."
From the depths of the cave was a particularly loud snore from Bait. Callum let Rayla take the time she needed to continue, and didn't interrupt her thoughts.
"And then...I spent my whole life training to be an assassin. I had to work extra hard to overcome the stain my parents left on our name's reputation. I woke up early, stayed late, trained until I threw up or passed out some days. All my free time was spent finding ways to be faster, stronger, stealthier. Becoming an assassin wasn't just my goal, it was my entire life. And when the time came to actually fill that role...I failed. Completely, and utterly, failed. When I saw that guard's eyes, when I saw your eyes, even…I couldn't bring myself to do it. Everything I worked so hard for, gone to waste. All because I felt pity. Don't get me wrong…" she glanced over to meet his eyes. "I am very, very glad I didn't kill you. Or the guard, for that matter" she added quickly. "I am truly happy that I was able to find this new path. But still...being an assassin, or at least training to become one, was a huge part of me. It's who I thought I was, and now that's gone. So when I think about what Villads said...knowing what I stand for, knowing who I am….I don't know the answers to those things anymore, and that makes the 'river' so scary. Everything I once stood for is wrong. I'm still trying to figure out what it is I do believe in now. And as far as who I am, now that I'm not an assassin...I mean, who am I?"
"You're a protector," Callum said simply, after considering it for a moment.
Rayla leaned her head to the side, still resting on her knees. She looked at him curiously. "A...protector? What do you mean?"
"I mean, you failed at being an assassin because you have a huge heart. You care about other people. You're compassionate and empathetic. You protect the people around you, the people you care about, physically and emotionally. You literally protect us day in and day out, using the skills you were taught to use to kill, to instead keep us safe. You tried to protect my feelings when you found out my stepdad died, because you didn't want me to get hurt. And when we found Zym's egg, you gave up everything you've ever known in order to do what was best for the world. You're a protector, Rayla. That's who you are."
She stared into his eyes, with a look he couldn't place, but didn't say anything right away.
"Don't get me wrong!" he said quickly, worried she might take him the wrong way. "You're a lot of other things too! You're funny, and a little ornery, and pretty goofy…" his voice trailed off and her blush returned. "But I think at your core...that's who you are. You believe in doing what's right, and what's best for the innocent creatures who can't protect themselves."
Rayla couldn't stop the smile that was growing on her face. His sweet words made her feel a little embarrassed - she wasn't used to such compliments - but they did help ease her mind.
"Thank you, Callum. I really appreciate that."
He smiled back at her. "Of course. I'm just speaking the truth. Thank you for sharing everything with me...I know it probably wasn't easy, but I hope you feel a little better now."
"I do, actually..." Rayla said as she let out a huge yawn. Amazingly, verbalizing all the things that had been swirling around in her head the last few days seemed to lift a huge weight off her chest. The fear and uncertainty weren't gone, but it felt as though she could at least manage them now. Maybe sharing things with Callum wasn't such a bad idea.
Exhaustion suddenly came over her, and Callum helped ease her back onto her feet and back towards the cave. "Anytime you need to talk, you just let me know, okay?" he said before they went back inside. Rayla nodded with a small, grateful smile, before laying down and having the most restful sleep she'd gotten since their journey began.