Awaiting return
Having the responsibility of being commander came with the downfall of having to stay at Skyhold in order to lead the troops. It meant putting others at risk and sending them out into harsh and hostile conditions while I stay behind to send more troops out when we need it. Everyone in the military understands the necessity of having the leader do this, but it doesn't make it easier for the person who must stay behind. I accepted this position knowing I would hate every time I couldn't go out with my men because I knew this is where I could make the biggest difference. Where I could do the most good. I never expected to have to endure how I feel sending Danika on these missions.
This was her job as Inquisitor, I know for the fate of the world, she must go out to the most dangerous and unstable areas we could find. I know she is the best person and possibly the only person that could bring peace to these areas. Yet none of that comforts me as I prepare and then give her reports I know will send her to these places. I want to be selfish. I want to hide these places from her, even though the Nightingale already knew about these areas days if not months ago. I cannot be selfish though, much as I want to. Not with her.
Danika is the blessing we all needed. The blessing I am not sure we deserved. Maker knows I have seen the worst of humanity. I would not be surprised if Andraste turned away from us and left us to this fate. But Danika was proof she had not, that for some reason Andraste sent us a hero, one who can lead us to a new future. Maybe a future where we are better. A future I hope includes Danika.
As much as I try not to, I cannot help sometimes to think of what a future with her might be like. When all of this is over and she no longer must risk her life every day just being who she is.
She never complains about the weight she carries yet I know she feels it. With every report of soldier's deaths, with reports of civilians who have died at the hands of demons or the red templars. She holds her emotions at bay, but the few months we have grown to know each other, I notice the slight drooping of her shoulders, the slight furrowing of her brow as she gets lost deep in thought during those reports, and her eyes. Her brilliant blue eyes that normally hold such life and light in them seem to dull. If the report is more distressing, she will sometimes run her hand through her thick white hair and blow out a breath as she processes the information. I hate delivering those reports. I hate more knowing she will be leaving soon after giving them to her.
She has been gone two weeks and two days now. Reports from Dorian have been fairly consistent until recently.
Dorian is a lot of personality to handle in one person yet he has recently become my favorite of Danika's companions. During their last resting stop at Skyhold he managed to pull me away from my duties for a game of chess. While it was suppose to be a quick game, we ended up talking about various topics and I saw a new side of him. Hearing about what he went through and what he left back home, I found a newfound respect for the mage. He also made it clear he could tell how I felt about "Our dear friend the Inquisitor". While he may have guessed about them before I'm sure it was completely obvious when she interrupted our game in the courtyard. I was so flustered I wouldn't have been surprised if anyone in the courtyard hadn't noticed my attention on her. And when she had suggested we spend more time together I'm sure that was the happiest my men have seen me in months. While I was cautious about what he would do with that information. I was relieved to find out he did not intend to spread more gossip and instead has made more of an effort to write reports more often about their whereabouts and emphasizing Danika's safety more often than he had before.
Though the lack of reports have been building the anxiety that I have been suppressing for a long time now.
My scout had just come through the door, startling me as he never seems to understand how knocking works. I balled my fist on my desk and growled at him. "What is it? And don't you ever knock?"
He was out of breath and seemed to take a moment to register my tone and question. Stammering he held out an envelope that had already been opened. By the Nightingale no doubt. "Sir, I-I apologize th-the Nightingale said to inform you immediately. A new report from Dorian sir"
It took a considerable amount of self-control to not immediately leap out of my seat and snatch the letter from him. But I maintained my composure and calmly asked "Please place it on my desk, I will read it promptly. You are dismissed."
With that, the scout scurried out of my office with the door flinging shut behind him. As soon as the door clicked I picked up the letter and scanned everything. With each line, my stomach filled with lead. "…found a camp of red templars….. made easy work…. It was a trap….took injuries…. Danika is stable for the moment….. Coming back to Skyhold soon."
"Stable?" What did stable mean? What injuries and how? A million other questions ran through my head all at once. The only good news was that they would be coming back soon. Until then I knew it would be hard to not think of every possibility until she returned. I had to stay calm though, I had to keep working, keep evaluating, keep training. Anything to keep my mind off of her. It would take a few days at least for them to return from Crestwood. A few days of minimal sleep I already knew. I ran a hand through my hair instinctively and a few blonde strands fell on my forehead. The ends were starting to curl. I would need to fix that. Look presentable to my men.
It was four days before the horn finally sounded around midday announcing the arrival of Inquisitor. The horn was like a release of the tension I had built up over the past days. Every day seemed to compound the pressure in my head. It took everything I had not to rush to the battlements and look over to watch them come in. In an amazing feat of self-control I walked steadily out of my office to look out over the gates. There in the distance I could see her. She was on her black stallion from Orlais that she always rode. Wearing her bright blue enchanter armor that made her easy to distinguish in her group. Beside her was Dorian ridding closer than normal and The Iron Bull was riding right behind her on his Red Hart that seemed almost too small for him. I couldn't find him, but knew Cole was around her too. While I didn't feel easy around the spirit I knew I could trust him to look after Danika. He along with everyone was very fond of her and seemed to look at her like his opportunity for good. I knew that look, because that's how I look at her, among other ways.
As they drew closer I noticed Danika was not riding how she usually did when they returned. Normally she held herself high, and was the picture of strength. Now she was half hunched over her steed and seemed to be barley staying in the saddle with each sway of the horse. Her hand was glowing slightly as she cradled it by her stomach. I realized Dorian was riding so close probably to ensure she didn't fall off her horse ridding up to the gate. Maker's breath, how bad was she hurt? This time I did not manage my self-control and raced down the steps to the gate.
"Open the gate! Get me the medic NOW!" my soldier's dispersed immediately at the sound of my voice.
As they neared the gate I furiously looked at Dorian. Dorian is suppose to protect her. He is suppose to make sure this doesn't happen. I knew my anger was displaced but right now I didn't care. Seeing her up close sent me into a rage that I tried desperately to clamp down on.
"What happened?!" My eyes entirely fixed on Dorian. Dorian shrugged and tilted his head to Danika which only sent my blood boiling more.
"Ask the great Herald of Andraste what happened." I managed to peel away my glare from Dorain as Danika addressed me.
"It was my fault, don't be angry Cullen, we will all be alright. I just need to get a stiff drink and I'll be good as new." She tried to chuckle but immediately cringed. Dorian quickly slid off his horse and motioned for me to help her down. I was already at her side pulling her towards me as she nearly collapsed as she slid down from the saddle. Leaning heavily on me I helped her walk over to the infirmary she had ordered built just the other time she was back here.
As much as I wanted to scoop her in my arms and carry her, I knew she would want to walk, or limp as much as she could in front of the other soldiers. I did my best to be careful where I touched her. Afraid to touch a wound I could not see under her armor.
"Alright, explain. What happened out there?" I gently set her down on the nearest cot and thank the maker, a healer immediately was attending to her. She chuckled again and looked up at me through her dark lashes as she sat on the cot.
"Can't this wait until I get some herbs in me. I am not nearly as entertaining while I am in pain." Her lips pulled into a slight smirk and I could feel my anger dissipating into concern. I nodded at her and tried to get a good look at her now that I could breath. She was covered in mud mixed with blood. Whether it was hers or another's I didn't know and probably didn't want to. She had bruises along her jaw and neck and I'm sure under her clothes as well. She winced as the healer started palpating her ribs. And I could hear the healer mumble under her breath. "…few broken ribs….. tender in her abdomen.." She instructed her to take her armor off while she turned around to mix herbs together for a tonic.
Danika slowly and painfully began removing her coat and my eyes immediately went to her side where a dark red stain spread around her right hip. Noticing my attention she snapped me out of my gaze.
"It's not as bad as it looks commander. Just a few scrapes." She tried to play it off but I had seen enough soldiers come back injured to know it was much more serious then she was trying to play off.
"The Maker it isn't! How much blood have you lost Danika?!" I was about to reach out to her, wanting to inspect the wound myself but the healer returned to her side and then addressed me.
"I need to examine her and work, you can wait for her outside. I will look out for her now commander." The healer was polite, but it was a firm dismissal. Looking back into those blue eyes I nodded.
"Come find me when you can, I'll need a full report when you're ready."
Danika smiled. "Of course Commander." With that I strode out of the tent and went to find Dorian.
I found him in the next tent over already with his well muscled chest exposed and being tended to by another healer. He had sustained wounds as well but none seemed to be life-threatening nor nearly as bad as what Danika had taken. Walking up to him I stared him down as I crossed my arms against my chest. Seeing me Dorian took an exasperated sigh.
"Ah the brooding blond lion has graced me with his presence. Were you worried about my injuries my dear commander? Well I can promise yo-"
"What happened Dorian." I growled.
"Ah right to the point, I forget how direct you southern folk are. No time for pleasantries, not even a - good to see you Dorian ho-"
"What happened?" This time he sighed.
"It was an ambush, they knew we were coming and sent some red templars as the bait. Once we had dispatched them and set up camp a rift opened up in the middle of the night. We fought back but a demon came from behind me. I didn't see it. Danika did. It was about to impale me when she stepped between us and it got her instead." We fought them off and came back as soon as we could, but with her injuries…. It was slow travel back. We couldn't move her too fast." For once Dorian was not his usual sarcastic self. His eyes cast downward and his shoulder's slumped. I softened my gaze and posture. It was obvious he felt guilty for her condition. I sighed and shook my head. It wasn't right to make Dorian feel worse. He was already punishing himself more than anyone else would for this. Danika had become his best friend here. Cullen knew Danika would be furious with him if he made Dorian feel worse about what happened.
"I'll need your report on the templars and rifts when you can. And take a bath, you smell awful." With that I strode out of his tent and made my way back to my office to wait for Danika.
Nearly an hour went by before I heard a soft knock at my door. I knew it was her because she was the only person who seemed to understand how knocking worked. Although I suspect that might be because I nearly threw a lyrium box at her head one time.
"Come in." My heart picked up as she strode into the room. She was wearing her usual outerwear that complimented her figure well. Being an elf she had a very thin frame, but all of the training and traveling had added a layer of muscle that gave her a much more athletic build. He could see every muscle in her legs through the fabric as she made her way over to the chair. Her hair was untangled and back in a singular braid that hung over her shoulder. Her hair was much longer than it had been when he first met her. Even in a braid it reached down the middle of her back. Some strands were still shorter and framed her small angular face well. Her pointed ears slightly poked out against her white hair and her tanned skin looked darker in the candle light. The bruises on her jaw extended from the left side of her chin up to her jawline. The bruises he saw sent a flare of anger through him that he quickly tried to swallow. Her white hair seemed to make her eyes stand out even more. They were a brilliant blue around the outside but he had just recently come to appreciate the ring of emerald green that surrounded her pupil. Many mages had more brightly colored eyes that seemed to reflect the magic they wielded. He always had found it unnerving before, that a mage's eyes were unnatural. But hers, hers were the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. She had black tattoos just under her eyes. Lines and swirls followed the shape of her cheekbones. They were Dalish markings.
She at the very least did not seem to be in pain or was at very least able to hide it better now with some herbs. She had just sat down when she immediately told me.
"Don't be mad at Dorian."
Despite myself I huffed a laugh. Of course that would be the first thing she says. Now with her here, and seeing she was going to be okay I let relief wash over me.
"He told me what you did. You should know better than to put yourself in that situation." I know it sounded like a teacher lecturing a student but I couldn't help myself. Imagining what would have happened if the demon had struck her just a bit more to the left. She may not have…. No, I can't finish that thought. This time she sat back and crossed her arms in defiance at me.
"And what? Let the demon kill my friend?!" She glared at me. She was prepared for this conversation. Already knew what I would say to her. I sighed.
"Nothing I say is going to change your mind is it?" I was about to tell her that she was much more valuable, that if she died the whole world could be at stake. Of course though she would never understand that. No life was more important than another to her. One of the things I loved about her, and wish I could be more like that. But the look on her face and the resignation there. I knew we could argue all night, and I didn't want to argue with her just now. Not when I was relieved to just have her in the same room as me.
"No it won't. I'm fine, a little bruised up but alive, and I'd do it again." Still defiant she looked at me but softened a little, knowing she would win this argument. As she always did with me.
"Are you really okay?" That earned me a smile and I couldn't help but match it.
"Yes commander I'll be rearing and ready to go in a week. At least that's what the healer said." Those words brightened my mood a bit. A week?! She hasn't spent more than two days consecutively over the past two months. Now she would be here, she would be safe for a week. The selfish part of me rejoiced. "Maybe we can finally spend that time together like you promised." She smiled at me again through those lashes. Looking almost shy as if she wasn't sure how I would react.
"That would.. erh I would – I would like that." Maker's breath I can't even form a simple sentence when she looks at me like that. With that she smiled at me, and this time a full smile that lit up her face.
"Well then Commander I think I am free now and could use a drink." The surprise must have been obvious on my face because she seemed to delight in making me stammer.
"Well – I um I guess I could- um partake in some beverage." I groaned internally and rubbed the back of my neck. "partake in some beverage?"
"Great! Let's go down to the tavern then, Iron Bull is probably already two pints in." She gestured for me to follow her as she stood from her chair. I felt a smile tug at my lips as she strode towards the door. As I went to follow her my eyes couldn't help but wander downward as she swished her hips as she walked. She was absolutely mesmerizing the way she moved.
As I turned from the door to see if he was following me I caught him checking out my ass. His eyes immediately snapped up to mine and my knowing grin sent a blush creeping across his cheeks. "Are you coming commander?"
"Yes I'm – I was just making sure I didn't forget anything." He then made his way around the desk and we walked side by side across the battlements toward the tavern. Maker he was cute when he blushed. Perhaps it was mean, but it was just too much fun to make him blush like that.
I strode through the door and immediately spotted the crew all together at a bunch of tables they pushed together to make room for everyone. The sight brought a smile to my face. All these people from all different backgrounds, together, drinking, singing and sharing stories like we had known each other forever. Varric caught my eye and waved and the commander and I.
"Hey! You got Curly out from under his rock! Now we can really celebrate!" Cullen rolled his eyes but I giggled at him. Grabbing his bicep I pulled him toward the group and he easily followed. Dorian had saved me a spot next to him and had already had a drink ready. Cullen took up a spot across from me next to Cassandra. Dorian placed my pint in front of me and gave me a pointed look and a smirk. In answer I gave him a wink and immediately took a big gulp of the sour beer he had gotten me. That got me an approving exclamation from Iron Bull and he immediately followed suit downing the rest of his drink.
I don't know exactly how long the whole group sat there together talking, laughing and joking but it seemed too short. Getting one last round for everyone I made my way to the bar keep and ordered six more pints. Feeling a breeze I looked to my left to find Cole standing next to me. His appearances didn't surprise me any more after being on the road with him for weeks at a time. Many didn't understand why I kept Cole as close as I did, and perhaps I didn't either, but my instinct tells me I can trust him.
"Well hello Cole, are you having fun tonight as well?" I give him a gentle smile that he doesn't return. Instead he looks intently at me. Knowing that look, I wait for him to tell me what thoughts he has been listening to tonight.
"He is worried, worried for you. He knows he shouldn't. He feels guilty. He wants you to stay, to not leave. But then feels bad for thinking that. There is a constant war, a war between what he thinks and what he feels. He wishes to tell you how he feels." Cole immediately looks behind me and vanishes as I hear another pair of boots coming closer.
"I thought I might help you bring all these drinks back." I turn my head to see golden eyes staring back at me. I can't help but smile at him.
"What a gentleman you are." I purred at him. Cullen sidles up next to me and I am very aware of his arm brushing up against mine. He gives me a sideways smirk that sends shivers down my spine. "I'm glad you agreed to come out tonight for once." He gives me a low chuckle and turns his head to look at me over his shoulder. That smoldering look he gives me makes me want to melt right there at the bar.
"I am too. Tonight has been more fun than I have had in a long time. Although I could've gone without learning so much about Iron bull's sex life." He chuckled. That got an outright laugh from me.
"I think we all feel that way." I laughed at him. The barkeep then brought out our drinks. We each took three and made our way back to the group to distribute them. Cullen continued to catch my eyes as everyone started to finish their drinks. Looks that did not go unnoticed by Dorian. Who continued to nudge my leg or give me a knowing smile every time he caught us.
Slowly everyone began to disperse back to their respective beds. I was reluctant to leave the group, and if I'm being honest, reluctant to end this time with the commander who continued to give me looks that made my knees go weak. Standing up from the table I could feel myself wobbling slightly. Dorian still sitting placed a steadying hand on my waist. Looking at me he chuckled.
"Had one too many now?" He attempted to rise from his seat and nearly fell to the floor himself. He grabbed the end of the table, barley keeping his balance. Immediately we both burst out laughing. I am sure we both looked like fools but we didn't care. We both were laughing so hard I had stopped making noise because I wasn't breathing anymore. As we started to control ourselves Dorian managed to straighten up and regain some composure. I attempted to take another step to the door and swayed right into a muscular body to my right. Steadying arms encircled me and I looked up into those golden eyes I loved.
"I think we better get you back to your room now." His eyes danced with amusement and I could feel a blush creep up my cheekbones.
"Yeah, probably a good idea now." He loosened his grip but kept one hand at the small of my back to make sure I wouldn't topple over. "How are you so sober Mr. I-Never-Have-A-Drink-Because-I-Work-All-The-Damn-Time?" He just chuckled at me and continued to help lead me back to my room.
"Because I didn't lose a shit ton of blood over the past few days from a stab wound from a demon." His tone was joking but I could see worry behind his eyes as he evaluated me. Wanting him to not worry I changed the subject as we slowly continued our treck across the courtyard and up the stone steps.
"Touchè. So what have you been doing while we've been gone then?" I raised one eyebrow at him questioningly.
"Well, we have been finishing up repairs to Skyhold and reconstruc-"
"No, no, no, what have you been doing for fun since we've been gone, I don't want to talk about work while I've been drinking."
"I- well. I don't really do much of things like this."
"You sir, need a hobby. Varric was right." At that I started chuckling to myself a bit.
"Are you laughing at me Inquisitor?" His eyes danced at me and I could see a smile pulling at the corner of his lips. Those lips. I had often wondered what they might feel like on mine. What they might taste like. "Danika?" The question was soft and I looked up to see he had noticed my attention on his lips. His eyes quickly darted to mine as well. I was very aware to how close we were at that moment. With his one arm still around me and his hand a warm pressure on my back. He broke the tension first. Looking away and clearing his throat. As he did. He continued his pace as we had reached inside of Skyhold and were nearly to my room at this point. He didn't remove his hand though. I was dismayed when we had reached my door knowing this would probably end our time together tonight. I needed to find another excuse to get him out of his office again. I fumbled with the door knob a bit and Cullen reached beside me helped me open it. He placed one hand on the frame of the door and I turned to look at him. We were very close at this point. His face only a breath away from mine. His body was so close to mine I could feel his heat radiating from him.
…
I had been stealing glances at her all night. It had been torture to sit across from her and not be able to touch her. To not be able to brush up against her leg or her arm. To feel her warmth coming off of her. Seeing her wobbling, trying to stand I immediately moved to be next to her in case she needed a steadying hand. Dorian was in no condition to help her back to her room. In fact if he had, they both probably would have collapsed in the courtyard as soon as they stepped out of the tavern. She didn't realize how much blood she must have lost on their trip back from her wound. That blood loss had severely decreased her alcohol tolerance. Worrying she might hurt herself I had helped her back to her room from the tavern. I admit I was also reluctant to end my time with her tonight. Her laugh was contagious and brightened up the entire room tonight. I loved seeing her like this, so carefree, so…. Happy. I didn't want the night to end. So when I noticed she would need help I was very eager to be the one to help her.
Her eyes were like blue fire as she looked up at me in her doorway. Neither one of us seemingly wanting to say goodnight, not yet. She was so close, it took an enormous amount of restraint not to kiss her right here. And Maker did I want to. Her looks tonight and the way her eyes kept darting down to my lips told me she wanted to as well. Not like this. That was the only thought that kept me from pressing her against the wall and finally finding out what those beautiful lips tasted like. She was drunk, and just came back from her mission and was likely exhausted. She wouldn't admit it but the dark circles under her eyes told the tale. I could feel electricity coming off of her. Lightning, her preferred method of magic. Like her eyes, her lightning was brilliant blue. Her adrenaline must be going for her magic to be manifesting like this. Her eyes seemed to glow brighter and the way she was looking at me…. It made every thought leave my head. I wanted to reach out. Just to touch her but I couldn't move my body. Not like this. Not like this. A mantra in my head kept me in place. When I kissed her. I wanted to make sure she knew I meant it. That it wasn't just a drunken mistake. No, as silly as it sounded. I wanted it to be special, one she would remember the next day.
She seemed to read that I wasn't going to move. After a long moment she finally took a step back breaking the electrical tension between us.
"Goodnight Commander Cullen. You should make a habit of having more fun. It's good for you." I gave her a full smile then.
"Goodnight Inquisitor. Rest up, you'll need it after tonight's shenanigans." With the tension gone I gave her a wink and turned to make my way back to my office.