Pain So Great

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

~Helen Keller

I watch from a silent corner of the crowd. I watch as my heart gets overwhelmed with the grief and guilt that has engulfed this grave place. The people are quiet; they have not words to describe the tragedy that lies before them. The bodies are silent too; they're laid in an orderly fashion, one beside the other, waiting to be devoured by the earth. Eyes are teary, voices are cracked and the silence is disturbed when two of the eldest people present burst into tears.

I shift my gaze ahead and find out what caused the man and his wife to cry. The man—Harold Scrubb, as I recall—holds his wife close and wipes away her icy tears with a clean, white handkerchief as the wooden coffin is lowered into the earth's soil. The body is of a mere boy, hardly any older than sixteen. His golden hair is tousled, no one had bothered to comb it, his eyes are closed and for the world—he looks asleep.

The man and woman weep for as long as the funeral goes on. But now, I turn left, another body is being carried on four shoulders. It's a girl this time. I suspect she isn't any older than the golden haired youth that the Scrubb's weep for. The girl is just as golden as the boy and I am almost certain she must have blue, shining irises underneath the never-opening eyelids. She is gently lowered by the men, beside the other youth. For some reason I can't explain, they seem right to be buried next to each other.

I wonder why I hear no cries, no sobs for the loss of this little one. Is there no one she can call family? I do not know but I will not allow her to go unmourned. So, I shed a single tear, praying that her soul is allowed peace. I slightly smile when I realize I do not even know her name but still feel an ache in my chest when coffin is closed and her sight is lost forever to the world.

Then comes a devastating cry from behind me and I turn just in time to see my best friend crumple to the ground. I rush to her instantly for no one else is there to support her, hold her as the coffin carrying her little sister comes into view. I urge her to stand up. She does. I pull her close to me and lead her to forward.

I see her now as I had so many times before. There are only subtle differences. Her lips no longer bear the beautiful smile. Her blue eyes don't shine with hope and unwavering faith. Her skin isn't rose-colored and her hair is darker, not the same light golden. Susan seems to notice it too as she turns away from the body and cries freely into my shoulder. I shush her and draw soothing circles on her back. But the sobs are still heartbreaking.

Lucy's warmth and light is gone as the coffin closes. And it seems to render the world dark for eternity.

Susan has lost her little sister. She has lost her light.

Soon, another coffin can be seen, another jolt of grief and shock is sent down my spine. Susan's sobs cease and she abruptly straightens herself, watching keenly as the four men place another coffin, another body before us. This face, this face I see now was never so still. It was never meant to be.

Susan is kneeling now. Her motion is so faint that I almost don't notice. She brings her hand to the pale face and my heart wrenches as she lovingly strokes his cheeks. She is saying goodbye, asking for forgiveness and I know it.

"I hate you!"

The words my best friend had growled, had directed at her brother only days before the train crash are still fresh in my mind and I shiver visibly in the tremor the memory sets in me. I do not know if my touch helps but I put a comforting hand on her shoulder anyway.

Then I look at him. He isn't smiling anymore. Where is that sarcastic grin he always wore? Where are those eyes that always shone with mischief? Where is the frown that he always gave when someone fussed over him? Where has he gone and why has he left? I do not know why it hurts so much. Susan stands up and the coffin is closed.

Edmund's wittiness and mischief is gone. And the world suddenly seems dull, to remain that way forever.

Susan has lost her little brother. She has lost her spirit.

Another coffin, another body. This one, this one seems to break Susan utterly; it seems to take away every little piece of courage she had left with her. She is broken forever; a deep wound in her tender heart that I know can never be mended. Why has God been so cruel to her? What wrong has she done? Why this torture?

The body is lowered, it takes its place in the earth and I can only stare at the handsome but lifeless face. Susan crumbles again and I fall to the ground with her. I don't know what to do so I do the only thing that occurs to me. I take her slender and fair hand and place it on her brother's chest. It seems to help as her shoulders relax and she seems to dissolve in the touch.

I look at him once more. His face is slack, devoid of any emotion. His golden hair doesn't seem golden anymore. There is no soothing gesture coming from him now, no hushing sound. His treasured protectiveness is gone. His eyes are closed and I yearn to see the blue ocean the lids hide beneath them. I yearn to see the glimmer of hope in them, the reassurance they used to provide. The coffin closes. He is gone.

The comfort of his presence is gone with him. And the world's evil seems to grow bigger without his protection.

Susan has lost her older brother. She has lost her rock.

And she cries as I hold her close. She cries for her loss. She cries because she knows she will never be complete again. She cries because her world has been painted black without her little sister. She cries because she knows no one will ever make her laugh like her little brother could. She cries because she knows she will never feel safe without her older brother.

And I cry.

I cry for her.