A/N: My version of the end of the end of 22x12 because I really didn't feel like they resolved all of it. As always none of them are mine, I just borrow them to play. Apologies if there is a 'h' missing occasionally – sticky key that has yet to be fixed!
The knock on the door startled Olivia. She wasn't expecting anyone, and she was pretty sure she hadn't ordered food. She realised she hadn't eaten since breakfast about half an hour earlier, but she didn't have an appetite. She looked through the peephole and saw the familiar face of Detective Amanda Rollins looking back at her. Olivia wasn't sure she was mood for company, but she knew Amanda was having a tough day, so she gave herself a mental kick and opened the door.
Amanda gave a small wave when she opened the door and Olivia smiled. She held up her other hand, which contained a bag of take-out, "I heard you had quite the day. I figured you might not have eaten, so I thought we could eat and compare how bad things were?"
Olivia gave a small laugh and opened the door wider, allowing the smaller woman to pass by.
"I knocked 'cause I didn't want to wake Noah."
"He's at a sleepover. I thought about not letting him go, but I promised I would try to leave work at work; keeping him from his friends just so I felt reassured wasn't doing that".
Amanda nodded. She had promised herself she wouldn't bring work home with her many time too however, she failed more than she cared to admit.
She held up the bag again and placed it on the table. "Plates?"
"Second cupboard on the top, left hand side."
"Ok, anything in particular you want to drink?"
"I have wine on the table. Pour yourself a glass, it's beside the fridge".
"Thanks."
Olivia was going to offer help, but she got the feeling Amanda needed a moment to gather herself based on what she'd said when she arrived. She heard plates clinking and wine being poured. A minute later Amanda appeared at the table, with a glass of red wine, cutlery and two plates. Placing everything down she sat at in the chair across from Olivia and sighed. The containers were already on the table, and they began to work through them quietly, removing what they wanted.
"Want to tell me what that sigh was about?"
Amanda looked up slyly, "Damn I thought I only did that in my head".
"No, afraid not. I'm sorry, I got your messages when I got out of…."
"Liv don't even try to apologise, if I'd known the situation I would never have called."
"Good to know you won't be the reason I get shot in a hostage situation Rollins." Her tone was light, but Olivia saw the sharp intake of breath from her dinner companion when she said it. "Amanda, look at me for a sec". Her tone was quieter now, and she waited for blue eyes to meet hers.
"I was never in any danger. She was suicidal, she wasn't going to shoot me, she was more likely to harm herself, and I didn't want to see that happen."
Amanda nodded and attempted to eat some noodles, missing her mouth.
"Fu… fiddlesticks"
Olivia laughed, "There's no kids here, you can go for the real thing."
Amanda smiled, "Sorry, habit."
"I know, I got into the same habit when Noah was little. He now thinks I don't hear him when he says it when I've sent him to his room. If I grounded him every time I heard it he'd never be at a sleepover ever again."
"Jesse said fuck once and I forgot not to laugh; we had a month of me trying to reprimand her, while she was waiting for me to laugh. I'm waiting for her to teach Billie".
"Give it 6 months it'll be her first word."
"Hey, aren't you meant to be the supportive Mom friend?"
"Afraid you have me mixed up with someone else Rollins; I'm the realistic Mom friend." Amanda rolled her eyes.
They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes, both realising that despite their hectic days, eating was necessary.
Amanda finished and asked Olivia if she wanted anything else. When she confirmed she was full Amanda began to pack away containers in the bag.
"There's enough there for lunch for you and Noah tomorrow".
"I'm trying to shift the last of my winter insulation layer, my personal trainer has threatened to run it off me, so you take it home."
"Oh… Amanda paused as she was putting the last container into the bag, "Ok I'll go, sorry."
Olivia took a second to register what she'd said, it had been a long day. Then she stood and took hold of the container Amanda was still holding. "That was not… Amanda we're not in work, I'm not your boss right now. That wasn't an order. That was me saying 'take it home' so you didn't have to cook tomorrow night and give yourself five minutes to sit down. I know you don't sit down much." Amanda's head lowered and she bit her lip, her hand shaking as the let go of the carton she was still holding. Thankfully Olivia was still holding it, so it didn't end up on the floor. She placed it in the bag and moved to the other side of the table. She knew the tears were coming and she didn't hesitate. Gathering the smaller woman into her arms she swayed gently, rubbing a hand slowly up and down her back as Amanda's body shook. It was some time before the sobs subsided and a long exhale indicated they had stopped; still Olivia didn't let go. She stroked the blonde hair that was in its natural wavy state. She continued to hold her, not as tightly but still comforting her in a way that words couldn't right now. When she felt Amanda take a step back, she kept a hand on her arm to ground her.
"Sorry, I've needed to do that all day, but I couldn't, too many people expecting me to be strong." Olivia moved her hand down to take Amanda's hand and walked them to the sofa. She returned to the table to get their glasses and tidy away the plates and the rest of the take-away. When she returned Amanda had taken her boots off and curled her legs up under herself, almost as if trying to make herself smaller. Olivia placed both of the glasses on the table and rested her hand on Amanda's knee, rubbing a gentle pattern, needing to soothe and still needing that little bit of contact, for which of them she wasn't sure. She waited for Amanda to speak first.
"Tell me what happened today... if you want to; I don't want to push?" Amanda met her eyes and implored her to speak, she needed to not think about her day for a few minutes.
"Vanessa owned a restaurant not far from here. I've been there many times. So many I knew her and her husband and son. She'd had enough. Covid pushed her business to the brink and when I turned up today the bailiffs were on their way to take everything. Her mother died a few months ago, her husband had left her, her son wasn't speaking to her and she was about to lose her entire livelihood. I'm not saying it's what I'd do, but I can understand why it pushed her to where she ended up."
"Yeah, but she held you at gunpoint Liv, she could have killed you".
"As I said, she was never going to hurt me. My main aim was to make sure she didn't hurt herself."
"How did you know?"
"That she wouldn't shoot me?" Amanda nodded. "The way she looked at me. She was never actually aiming for me, she pointed the gun at me, but she was no marksman, she would have missed every time. She wasn't threatened by me. She knew me, knew what I did for a living and she understood that I would never hurt her."
Amanda nodded again and pulled her legs closer to her chest, trying to retreat further into herself. Olivia left her hand in place, refusing to lose that connection, as tentative as it was. She felt Amanda cover her hand and knew she felt it too. They both needed it.
"I know the basics of what happened in your day, I listened to your messages on my way home. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there. Want to fill me in on the rest?"
"Dad had a major stroke. They don't know the full effects of it yet, they have to wait for him to wake up. He was criticising me earlier in the day, so I didn't see it coming. I thought he was fine; all the usual berating and belittling" Amanda pulled her legs tighter against herself.
"You couldn't have possibly known this was going to happen Amanda."
"I should have though Liv. He was asking me to bring him beer and cigarettes. He probably conned one of the nurses into doing it for him. Sonny said he seemed find when we left but I think he was just placating me."
"I'm glad he was there today."
"He seemed odd though, distant. Is he ok?" Olivia didn't want to go into the details of Carisi's private life with Amanda but at the same time she didn't want to lie.
"I think he might be starting a new relationship." Amanda smiled and shook her head. "That's what he wanted to tell me before I went home to Atlanta. I swear sometimes that man thinks I'm made of glass."
"He's fond of you Amanda, you know that."
"I do, and it's sweet, but he's more like a big brother to me. He's always there, he keeps me sane but he's like an uncle to the girls, I don't think he could be anything more – for me or for them." Olivia was slightly taken aback as she always thought there was something between the ADA and detective. Clearly the gossip mill had gotten it wrong.
"I don't know what he thought was going to happen if he told me either. Honestly, I don't think he thinks I can cope. Hell after today, maybe I can't".
"Amanda, you're going to have to start believing in yourself soon."
"You know what helps with that?" Amanda grabbed her glass, held it up, and laughed. "Actually that's not true, all it does now is make me regret drinking at all, when I have Billie pulling on my ankle and Jesse pulling on my hair at 6 a.m."
"Amanda, look at me. Tell me what's going on, I know you haven't told me everything. Every chance you get you're moving into yourself further, physically and knowing you as I do now, mentally too."
It took her a few seconds to answer and when she said it very quietly.
"Off the record?" Olivia nodded, unsure she wanted to hear this but knowing Amanda needed to offload.
"I checked into my 'stepmom'." Amanda put the word in air quotes and rolled her eyes, "She has warrants out. She also made my Dad take out a life insurance policy, knowing he was really ill."
"Where is she now?"
"She's gone. I may have threatened her a bit."
"Off the record, you did the right thing Rollins. She was clearly only there to do harm, to you and your Dad."
Amanda relaxed slightly, knowing Olivia wasn't going to have a go for doing an unofficial background check. Clasping the hand still resting on her knees, she looked up for the first time and found tired hazel eyes looking back at her.
"I'm sorry, I've just realised I've overstayed my welcome."
Olivia turned her palm up so she could intertwine her fingers with Amanda's.
"Stay? I can grab a pair of sweats and a t-shirt for you? They'll be a bit long but…"
"Are you sure?"
"You're ok waking up at 6 a.m. to a toddler, a five-year-old, Frannie and your mother after the day you just had?"
Amanda held up her hands up in surrender and sighed "You make a very good point."
"I'm going to grab my pyjamas and the bedclothes from the airing cupboard. I turned the heater on when I got back so the room should be warm".
"No Liv, I'm not taking the bed. You've had a long day too. I'm going to get the spare stuff."
"No, you're not."
"Captain we are not spending another minute arguing about this." Olivia smiled at the use of her title. She never heard Amanda use it outside the prescient and it was funny as hell to hear it in her own home."
"Rollins don't ever call me Captain again when we're not at work."
"We've shared a bed before, last time the girls were here for a sleep over there was no room anywhere once my two took the sofa. Think you could compromise and do that tonight?" Olivia couldn't come up with a logical way to say no, and wasn't actually sure she wanted to, so she simply nodded and smiled. "I'll grab some sweats".
"Thanks, I only need bottoms, I'm wearing a tank. I'm going to use the bathroom so chuck them at the door and I'll grab them when I'm out."
Olivia nodded and moved down the hall to her room, hearing the bathroom door close as she opened the door of her wardrobe. She grabbed some baggy NYPD sweats from the wardrobe and turned off the heater as she left the room. She placed them at the door of the bathroom. She could hear the water running and Amanda humming to herself. She smiled and returned to her room to get changed. Her pyjamas were still on the floor where she'd left them that morning. She heard the door open as she was pulling her pyjama top on.
"Sorry Liv"
"It's fine Amanda, come in. Sorry I'm not used to anyone else being in my room."
"Liv I'll happily sleep on the sofa."
"No, no it's fine, that's not what I meant. I just…"
Amanda held up her hand; "This feels like it's turning into the conversation we had five minutes ago about where we were spending the night. Call it quits?"
Olivia smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I think tiredness is setting in"
"You'd be right", Amanda said as she tried to stifle a yawn.
Pulling back the sheet and comforter Olivia slid into bed and felt the bed dip as Amanda did the same. The bed clothes covered her as Amanda pulled it up over both of them. Olivia turned off the lamp and tried to relax. She realised as they lay quietly, she could hear her heartbeat in her ears. Praying it wasn't a panic attack she took a deep shaky breath. Amanda, perceptive as ever turned to onto her side and reached for the hand lying nearest her, that was flat against the mattress.
"Are you gona tell me what's going on or am I gona have to guess?"
"Huh?" Olivia figured if she played dumb the younger woman might just fall asleep. Her luck wasn't in.
"You just took a breath that trembled so much it sounded like you'd just managed to avoid being hit by a truck. And your hand is shaking."
Olivia made a conscious effort to still her hand, but her body was betraying her. "I'm fine."
Amanda sighed and rolled back onto her back but kept Olivia's hand in hers, rubbing her knuckles with her thumb.
"I'm not going to push Liv, but I don't want you to go to sleep anxious."
Olivia was once again touched that Amanda was so concerned about her, but she was scared to explain. She wasn't even sure she could. Something about lying here with Amanda made her feel safe however, so she decided she needed to try.
"Today just reminded me I'm mortal. I knew she wouldn't kill me but all the time there was still a gun between us. These things can go wrong, we've seen it."
Amanda rolled back onto her side and Olivia did the same. Reaching up she brushed some of Olivia's hair that fallen into her eyes back behind her ear. Olivia expected her to move her hand away, but she kept it there.
Moving slowly, Olivia leaned into the hand cupping her face and stared into Amanda's eyes; she saw the permission she needed. Slipping her hand behind Amanda's neck and placing her other hand on her hip, she moved close and pulled the blonde into an embrace, kissing the top of her head as she stroked from her hip, up her spine, and back down along the soft cotton tank. She felt soft breathing against her neck hitch briefly before they both relaxed into the embrace. The tension that was coiled tight in both bodies dissipated as they continued to hold each other tight, neither wanting to break the connection.
"Liv?" Olivia heard the hesitancy in Amanda's voice and pulled back from the embrace immediately to give the other woman her space.
"Talk to me."
"I need more."
Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath before replying, "I know, I need more too. I just need a second."
Amanda nodded against her shoulder. She didn't move for fear she'd scare the other woman, that was the last thing she wanted to do. It took a minute but eventually Olivia moved and began to run her hand up and down Amanda's side again, caressing dangerously close to the edge of her breast as she moved her hand inwards. Amanda mirrored her movements, slow and steady, allowing the brunette to set the pace. Eventually hands moved further inwards, and Amanda found her nipples were stiff and straining for attention when Olivia finally reached them. She looked up and met a hooded gaze that was full of want. "Take anything you want, anything."
Olivia leaned down and kissed her, stealing Amanda's breath from her lungs. She hadn't been expecting the passion and when she felt Olivia's tongue caressing her bottom lip, she moaned. Opening her mouth, she felt a battle for dominance begin and she was surprised that this was what kissing Olivia Benson was like. She expected gentle, soft kisses. This was better than any fantasy she'd ever had, and she'd had a few.
Olivia shifted slightly so she was able to slip her leg between Amanda's. The sudden sharp intake of breath made Olivia smile into the kiss. She was relishing the affect she was having on the younger woman. Moving so she was able to sit up, she continued to caress and kiss soft skin as she straddled the smaller body beneath her. Looking down into hazy blue eyes she leaned in for a gentle kiss, the one Amanda had been expecting originally. She leaned back on her haunches and began to remove her top as Amanda did the same. They mirrored each other's movements again as bras were discarded. When Amanda's breasts were freed Olivia lowered her head to take a hard pink nipple into her mouth. Laving it with her tongue, she alternated between sucking and gentle bites.
"Olivia, darlin', as much as I'm enjoying this, you're killing me" She felt the small laugh against the side of her breast as Olivia raised her head. "Sorry it's just been a really long time. I forgot how much I missed this part." Amanda felt oddly reassured by the admission that this wasn't Olivia's first time with a woman. She was sure based on her already damp underwear that she wasn't going to have to teach her much, she just wasn't sure she was ready for the discussion that came afterwards. She'd had it twice and it was awkward as hell. The thought of the last time she had that conversation evaporated as soon as she felt Olivia's hand moving to the top of the sweats she'd loaned her.
"Well, if your breasts are off bounds, I've got another area in mind to keep my tongue busy."
"Olivia Benson, you have a very dirty mind."
"It's been a while since I've heard that. It's also been a while since I've wanted someone this much too though."
Leaning down for another kiss, Olivia lifted herself off Amanda slightly so she could work her hand down her lithe body and begin to push her sweats off. Amanda was enthusiastic in her pursuit of the same task, so much so that Olivia lost her balance. Laughing she tried to reposition herself, but she was too slow and in seconds she found herself on her back, Amanda Rollins knees tucked safely against her hips, as she rubbed her lace clad sex over Olivia's stomach. Her eyes went wide, and her nipples hardened at the sight of Amanda swaying gently, rubbing herself against Olivia when she needed more friction. A loud moan sounded in the room, Olivia wasn't sure if it was hers or Amanda's, nor did she care.
The friction from the lace was becoming more than Amanda could take, so with Olivia's help she removed her underwear in record time. When the smaller woman repositioned herself, she leaned forward so her hands were either side of Olivia's head. Moving gently her nipples teased Olivia's and Amanda watched as hazel eyes grew much darker, filled with desire. Leaning in for another kiss Amanda lifted herself slightly so she could run her hand down the front of Olivia's body, along her stomach and into silk pyjama bottoms she was wearing. She felt Olivia hiss, and she nipped at her lip when she realised the brunette wasn't wearing any underwear.
"Expecting to get lucky, were we?" Amanda smiled against the lips that were now exhaling in small pants as she edged closer and closer to her clit.
"Not this lucky… never this lucky" Olivia managed through gritted teeth, as the blonde's index finger finally found the spot where she needed her most; and after one quick circle, departed. Olivia was about to protest when she realised what Amanda was doing.
"Off," was the simple command from the woman above her as she moved her lips from her neck over to her collarbone. Olivia made short work of discarding the last piece of clothing standing in the way of her being completely naked. Amanda's kisses started to work their way further down her body over her abdominal muscles and down to her stomach where she paused for a moment. "For the record, I like your winter insulation". It took a second for Olivia to figure out what Amanda meant, and she laughed as she remembered their earlier conversation."
"I'll tell my trainer."
"You don't need a trainer Liv; you need to have faith that those curves are God given and meant to be seen." Olivia's cheeks reddened as she stroked the blonde waves splayed across her stomach. She wasn't used to getting compliments, especially not during a time like this.
"Thanks, I…" Amanda was ready for the self-deprecation though.
"I am beautiful" say it with me. Amanda looked up at her intently, waiting for Olivia to repeat the words. "Say it," she encouraged, when no response was forthcoming.
She heard a very muted "I am beautiful" from the head of the bed.
"We're going to work on you saying that much louder, but right now I'm gona convince you of it." Amanda kissed further down Olivia's body, and paused for a second to kiss each inner thigh, before moving to the spot her finger had hit on momentarily a few minutes earlier. She felt fingers in her now messy hair and smiled; after the passionate kisses she now knew Olivia was a take control kind of woman in bed. She'd teach her some self-control later; now after the day they'd both had, she just wanted to give them both some pleasure.
Placing her lips around Olivia's engorged clit, Amanda felt the fingers in her hair tighten as she started a sucking motion; the occasional swipe of her tongue added for good measure, seemed to be having the desired effect as she felt Olivia's hips thrust off the bed to meet her. She took the opportunity the third time it happened to slip a finger inside Olivia, hearing a soft moan from further up the bed, as the brunette dug her heels into the mattress. Determining from one finger that Olivia was wet enough, she added another and began to try and set a rhythm, which was difficult when the other woman continued to move erratically. Amanda wouldn't have it any other way though; she was delighted to see her Captain losing control and enjoying herself. Curling her fingers forward Amanda continued to suck on Olivia's clit, basking in the sounds Olivia was making. She felt the first contractions around her fingers and saw Olivia push herself up on her elbows – gazing down at her as she began to come, the intensity of the contractions seeming to increase as she watched the blonde pleasuring her, consuming her completely. Eye contact was lost as she threw her head back and screamed, a small gush of wetness on Amanda's palm indicating that she had reached the pinnacle of her orgasm. The smaller woman was in no hurry to move and stayed inside Olivia as the spasms decreased before she slowly lowered her upper body back onto the mattress. She only moved when she felt Olivia's hand on the back of her head and heard a quiet "Come here" from the head of the bed. She kissed her way back up along the satiated body beneath her placing one final kiss on dry lips, the owner of which, was still slightly hazy. She smiled as Olivia moved her head back and forth on the pillow for a moment, finding herself.
The first words uttered were, "I think you broke me."
Amanda laughed so much her body and the one under her shook. "I'll take that as a compliment."
"You can take it as gospel." Olivia leaned up on her elbows again, this time slightly more unsteady but orientated to what her goal was in that moment. "I need to feel you."
"I told you already, anything you want."
Olivia nodded and cupped Amanda's breasts, which were just within her reach, as she moved them both further up the bed, so she was sitting with her back firmly against the headboard.
"I want you to tell me if anything I do makes you feel uncomfortable." Amanda's heart ached at the genuine tone in Olivia's voice.
"You could never Liv, but I will I promise".
Bending her knees behind Amanda's back she encouraged her to rest against them as she felt Amanda's knees grip firmly against her hips again. Leaning forward, she paid attention to the nipple she had neglected earlier as she placed her hand on Amanda's stomach. She moved slowly and the younger woman knew it was her way of giving her time to say "No". There was no way that was going to happen, but she was so thankful for it she almost wept. The tears that threatened were extinguished by a sharp intake of breath as Olivia's soft fingers finally reached between her thighs to cup her sex. She stayed her movement for a moment, and both revelled in the shared moment of intimacy, no other sound in the room except them breathing. When Olivia did move, it was to extend her middle finger lower, testing whether Amanda was ready; she chuckled in her head as Olivia's finger reached her opening and found her more than ready. Olivia played there for a moment, teasing and Amanda felt an utterance of her earlier words were necessary; "killing me". Olivia smiled as she entered her with one finger, joined moments later by a second as the blonde shifted her position, so she was no longer reclining but rather hovering just above Olivia's body. She placed her hands on the headboard, either side of Olivia's head and rested her forehead on her shoulder. The new angle meant Olivia had to move her wrist slightly. In doing so, she hit a spot that made Amanda keen a laboured "there" through gritted teeth. Olivia pulled her second finger forward and began a harder stroke against the spot Amanda had indicated. She felt the breathing against her collarbone speed up as Amanda's body pushed itself further onto her fingers, finding the momentum it needed for release. Three further hard strokes and Amanda came with a small cry followed by a sharp bite to Olivia's shoulder, which resulted in a similar small cry from the other woman a moment later. Amanda wasn't as slow to come around as Olivia, and when she sat back, she saw the red bite mark on Olivia's skin.
"Shit, did I just… did you… did I just… fuck", the words were still a bit jumbled despite the appearance of composure.
Olivia pulled her forward into an embrace and kissed the side of her head. "Yes, you did just bite me. Yes, it did hurt a tiny bit. Yes, I am going to have to rethink that off the shoulder number I was going to wear tomorrow," Olivia joked. "But it was all completely worth it, to watch you come like that, and feel you in my arms right now." She felt Amanda shiver and realised she too was cold. Moving down the bed, she kept Amanda wrapped in her arms and shuffled slightly so she they were lying side by side.
Amanda spoke for the first time a moment later, after becoming lost in her thoughts. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I've never done that before."
"Amanda, breathe honey." Olivia felt the woman beside her do as instructed and take a deep breath. Stroking her hair, Olivia met her eye and spoke softly. "You were lost in the moment, and honestly, it was kinda hot." Amanda's mouth opened in surprise.
"I am not saying I'm into any kind of heavy S&M, but the occasional hicky isn't going to cause me to rethink whatever this is." Olivia realised she hadn't really thought about what this was, and for a moment panic set in. Amanda smiled as she repeated Olivia's words, "Olivia, breathe honey." Olivia swatted her arm. "Smartass."
"I just saw the panic flash across your face for a second there. So, to answer the question you didn't ask, this is whatever you want it to be. It can be just tonight, it can be written off as a really long, crappy day needing a good ending. It can be more."
"I want it to be more." Olivia cut her off before she could give her any other options, and Amanda was immensely grateful she had.
"That's what I want too. Right now, though, what I need is sleep. I was tired before. Now I'm running on empty."
Olivia nodded as she felt strong arms wrap around her, and for the first time in a long time she allowed herself to be held.
Olivia spoke quietly against her shoulder and Amanda revelled in the closeness.
"Before you came here tonight, I was hoping there would be no more days like these. Now, I want so much more, minus the guns and hospitals."
"Given what we do for a living hon, I can't guarantee that. I can guarantee there will be a lot more of how the night ended though." Amanda kissed the top of Olivia's head as she settled fully into her embrace. Sleep came easily as a bad day gave way to a much better morning.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
A/N: That was an intense episode and I hope this gave some light relief. I'm enjoying Season 22 so far. Still making my mind up on Organized Crime – I'll give it a few more episodes because I adore Tamara Taylor!