p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; text-align: center; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 13pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: underline; text-decoration-skip: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Prologue/spanstrong id="docs-internal-guid-5d8edbb4-7fff-8a05-6538-fd0ff84feb1c" style="caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration: none; font-weight: normal;"/strong/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; text-align: center; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Being on Ms. Abby's team at seven years old isn't easy. Not when you are expected to do almost as good as Maddie Ziegler or Kalani Hilliker when you are much less experienced than them. It isn't easy learning dances in a week. And it especially isn't simple, learning a solo in a day. Today is the day I first vomited on purpose./span/p
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p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" It's when I'm learning my first solo called /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Step By Step/spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;". I have to perform it in a competition the next day, so the pressure is high. And Ms. Abby isn't handling it well./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "Sickled feet! Lilly, you're doing the steps wrong! And your stomach is pouching. Do some ab exercises, goodness sake!" Ms. Abby yells at me. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I don't know what stomach pouching means, but Mommy comes from the viewing area and starts yelling at Ms. Abby about fat-shaming. Ms. Abby said I'm fat./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" That strikes me like a knife that someone stabbed into me. I thought I was skinny. Maybe not. As Mommy's going at it with Ms. Abby, I blank out their conversation as I begin to look at myself in the mirror. I am not as skinny as I thought. My old ballet school teachers had said stuff like this but I thought it would stop when I got here./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" After looking at my stomach in the mirror for about thirty seconds, Mommy sees me and rushes over to me, scowling at Ms. Abby. She brings me to the other room. I can see the other moms staring at me and Mommy, talking about me with the words "Poor Lilly," and "Why would Abby say that to a mini?" I'm sad, angry, but mostly confused./span/p
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p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" Mommy makes me sit down on the bench and squats down to my level. She shakes my shoulders lightly. The cameras follow me, but Mom closes the door so they can only manage to get the audio./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "Lilly, I need you to listen to me. You are beautiful, okay? You are not fat. Ms. Abby's a psycho. You're beautiful Lilliana," Mom tells me./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I'm too young to understand why Ms. Abby called me fat and I'm too scared to ask. All I know is that I am not up to Ms. Abby's standard. Mommy hugs me. I want to believe Mommy's words. God, I want to believe them so bad. But I don't. Ms. Abby never lies. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I have an hour of school tutoring at the studio. I walk into the bathroom to wash my hands and suddenly hear someone else retching and crying. It's Brynn. She's throwing up in the toilet. I stand there, frozen in place. I hear the toilet flush and Brynn cough loudly. She's sick./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"She freezes when she sees me. I bite my lip as my eyes widen, and start to make a break for the door to tell Ms. Abby. I suddenly feel a hand stop me. Terrified, I turn around. I feel lips come close to my ear./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Don't tell. It makes me skinny. Don't tell a soul," Brynn whispers in my ear. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I nod quickly, terror seeping into my eyes as she leaves the bathroom. I want to tell somebody, but some magical word strikes my ears./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Skinny. That's what I want. I crave. I require it. I don't hesitate. I'm seven years old and I don't really understand the consequences of my actions, nor do I care at this point. So I go into the stall and try a lot of things. Hitting my stomach doesn't work. Pushing my stomach up doesn't work. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Finally, I have the idea of hitting my gag reflex. One time, a utensil hit my gag reflex and I almost puked. I feel my throat burn as my breakfast and lunch come up. It's horrible but feels oh so right. An urge courses through my body, like a physical tingle. The urge tells me that what I'm doing is good./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"On the one hand, I am happy. I have pleased this new urge and Ms. Abby. But I feel scared. Is this going to hurt me? Is this dangerous? I know I have to hide this. Or I'll get in some serious trouble./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" My throat burns, so I gargle some water from the sink and spit it out. I go back to my schoolwork, my thoughts in a jumble. Mommy must have noticed that I'm unsettled and coughing a lot, my body not quite used to the burning in my throat./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "Lilly, are you okay?" Mommy questions me, concerned./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I nod, focusing on my online homeschooling. The truth is I am troubled and scared, and I don't think I'll recover. But this isn't a big deal. It's just going to have to become part of my routine./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; text-align: center; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"~~~~~/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" It's about two months after we finished filming season seven, and Ms. Abby has been sentenced to one year in prison, and I have gone back to Fayetteville, /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"North Carolina. I don't stop throwing up. My life revolves around the toilet, and I'm so depressed. I don't want to live this way anymore./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"But I'm making the urge happy. The other thing my life revolves around. Dancing is on the backburner. I don't know why I don't stop after filming stops. Ms. Abby has continued fat-shaming me throughout seasons six and seven, and I get better and better over that time at hiding it and doing it in record time./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I'm surprised Mommy hasn't gotten suspicious when food starts disappearing in large quantities in the middle of the night. I'm so foolish, binging at two in the morning, then throwing it up half an hour later in an attempt to lose weight. Mommy must know food is disappearing. But maybe she thinks it's Caden. He's caught me once or twice, but I have candy to bribe him at any moment./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I know Mommy will find out eventually. It's just after breakfast in the summer. July 27th, 2017. I look at the table. Bacon and pancakes. At least the syrup will taste good coming back up. I eat it quickly and Mommy has that look on her face like she knows something is up. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" The urge tingles throughout my body. /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Throw it up/spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;". So, I walk into my bathroom and kneel in front of the toilet. I stick my fingers into my throat, and breakfast comes up. And then I hear footsteps enter the bathroom./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;" /span/spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I take my fingers out of my throat instantly and look up at my Mommy. This isn't going to end well. She's frozen until I look up at her. I'm terrified, and my face isn't hiding it too well./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;" /span/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;" /span/spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"She rushes over to me, lifts me, and carries me to my bed as I make the sound that you make when you cry that sounds like hiccups. I'm in tears and I could see Mommy's holding them back. I don't think she expected a nine-year-old to throw up to be throwing up her meals. I wipe up some vomit from my mouth as she lays me on my bed. I sit up as Mommy pulls me into her lap. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" My stomach aches as the urges in my head are still strong and present. I need to go back to the bathroom. I need to throw the rest up. But my Mommy holds me tight and just rocks me like I was a baby. And, honestly, it's comforting./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" She doesn't question my actions. She just lets me lay there. I'm sobbing, scared about what's in store for me. The urges are yelling at me. Yelling at me loudly. I try to break free, but Mommy has a tight grip on me. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I search around for a trash can just in reach. I manage to grab the one next to my bed and I start to heave into it./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "Lilly, stop!" Mommy pleads, trying to get me away from the trash can, but my grip is too strong./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I want to stop, so bad, but I am not in control anymore. While my right hand is in my mouth, tickling my gag reflex, I reach my left hand out to my Mommy's hand and squeeze it. I'm still in there. Somewhere. I'm just lost. The urges have taken me. But I'm coming back. Someday./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" Once only bile is coming up, I stop throwing up and start sobbing again. I feel horrible. My stomach feels like it is ripping apart. The urge is consuming me, and I wanted to run away. But I can't. I'm stuck./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I start apologizing, whispering over and over again, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" Mommy shushes me and just keeps rocking me soothingly and lets me sob into her shirt. For once, the urges let go away of me and for once in my life, I feel peace and like I'm free from being a hostage for so many months./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I'm lulled off to sleep by the rocking motion. She must have put me in the car because the next thing I remember is that I'm in Mommy's car on the highway. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I sit up quickly, not caring if I have my seatbelt, and hastily ask Mommy, who is driving, "Where are we going?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" She clears her throat, and even with the thick sunglasses she's wearing, I can sense the worry and fear in her face./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "Lilly, we're going to the hospital. You're sick, and I don't want you to hurt yourself any farther."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;" /span/spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I start to panic. The urge is telling me to get out of the car. /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"It's not safe/spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;". The urge controls me as my breathing starts to shorten in duration yet quicken in speed, and a cold sweat begins to form on my forehead. I try to open the doors and windows, frantic to escape. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "Lilly, no! Stop, please!" Mommy pleads desperately with me, snapping me back in reality. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I force myself to repress the urge back in my head as I start to cry again. I curl up into a ball against the car door, buckling in. I think Mommy knows that I'm just scared and that my actions almost, like, aren't my own. It's hard to explain. That I am afraid of myself./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" She tries to distract me with some games that we would play in the car, like /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"ISpy/spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" and the /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"ABC Game/spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;", but I can't speak. I'm hyperventilating wheezily, trying to rock myself back and forth as Mommy did. It helps a little bit, but I am terrified about what my life was going to be like. I know it won't ever be the same./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" When we arrive at the hospital, I feel like I'm going to pass out. I try to reason with Mommy, pleading to not make me go, but she just picks me up like I'm a ragdoll and holds me tight against her shoulder, rubbing my back as an attempt to calm me. I look like I am four years old./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" She checks me into the emergency room, and I am taken to a room. I'm a mess, the urge returning, making me feel like I am a monster and that I need to find a way out of this situation./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I'm hysterical, whispering, "I'm sorry," in the hospital bed, more to the demon than to my mom. I'm rocking back and forth like a psycho, harder than before, my breath nearly nonexistent./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" Mommy doesn't tell me it was okay because throwing up your meals isn't okay. Instead, she gives me some water that tastes horrible, but still soothes my nerves and calms my still burning throat. She squeezes my hand and rubs circles on the back of my hand. Mommy is a therapist, so she knows what to do to calm people down. Or, at least, she knows how to calm me down./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" After a doctor comes in and visits me, and then refers me to an eating disorder specialist, and then after two hours of talking to that eating disorder specialist, they officially diagnose me with bulimia. I have to be the youngest person that they've diagnosed because I can hear them questioning whether I just have the flu and I'm hallucinating or something during the entire visit./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" Google calls bulimia "an emotional disorder involving distortion of body image and an obsessive desire to lose weight, in which bouts of extreme overeating are followed by depression and self-induced vomiting, purging, or fasting." I call it: a torturous yet necessary resource to seem beautiful and worthy./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "No, please! I need to dance!" I beg, trying to find an excuse to not go to the inpatient unit, which they want to send me to./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" The inpatient unit is where all the crazy kids go, and if I stay there, I know that I won't have a chance at being skinny anymore. And that's what I require to be successful at being a dancing star. I need to be up to my ballet school's standard. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" When we go home, I make a beeline to my bathroom, ignoring Caden playing video games on the couch. The urge is telling me to. I grip the sink, trying not to throw up from pure fear. I look in the mirror. I look healthy. I want to be skinny and I'm skinny even though I throw up all my meals for two years. And that's what is damaging. I am so sick and damaged, and even though I haven't gained a pound since I started doing this, I still look like a normal kid./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I heave into the toilet, and I start to throw up blood. Mommy follows me and is trying to comfort me, holding my hair behind my head and rubbing my back. She knows I'm not forcing myself this time and I probably have an ulcer from all the throwing up, causing the blood to appear. When I am finished, I go to my room, and while my Mommy calls the ballet school and tells them I am not going to be in dance for at least a month due to some "health issues," I begin to pack with Caden./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" He knows nothing, just that Mommy told him to help me pack for a trip. Nothing with laces. I can't bring anything with laces or strings and cords. No tank tops, skirts that are above my knee, no hair ties, or anything to help with my hair like hairbrushes. No electronics or makeup./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I just pack drawstring-less sweats, fuzzy socks, pajamas, and some word puzzles and coloring books to keep me busy. I also bring my stuffed animal, placing him on top of my clothes. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" As Caden and I are packing, Mommy finds it suitable to ask questions that Caden doesn't understand, like, "How long have you been doing this?" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "Since season six." /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "Why?"/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "Because of Ms. Abby's comments about my stomach." /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "How did you learn to do it?" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "I discovered it by accident," I lie, not wanting to throw Brynn under the bus for telling me that throwing up makes her skinny./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" After I finish packing, Mommy tells me that we are leaving in an hour, and I fill that time just crying and watching Cartoon Network, watching shows like /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"The Amazing World Of Gumball /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"and /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Unikitty /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"with Caden, who is finally given some sort of an idea of what's going on. His nine-year-old sister is going to a hospital for a couple of weeks because she is sick./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" The urge is running through me, making me think that I will become fat if I don't find a way out of the inpatient unit, so I quietly begin pleading with Mommy, "Mommy, please don't make me go. I don't want to leave!" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" Mommy holds me in her lap and just tells me that, "The urge will go away. You'll be okay, Lilly. I can promise you that. You need help, sweetheart." /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" Her words are reassuring but don't overpower the urge. My Dad has come home early from work to take me, and we drop Caden off at a friend's house for a sleepover. Caden still has no idea what the hell was going on. He doesn't want me to leave. He doesn't know I have an eating disorder. Heck, he doesn't know the term bulimia. Dad's just waiting in his car. I don't think he wants to face me./spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I'm crying the entire time we're in the car, driving to the Cumberland County Mental Health Inpatient Unit. The urge is overpowering, overwhelming. I need to throw up the small dinner I had managed to stomach. But I don't./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" Dad is silent as he drives. Mommy is in the back with me, stroking my hair. I have a pounding headache, and I am gripping my head. The urge won't go away./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "Make it stop, please!" I beg, and Mommy just keeps up the repetitive stroking of my hair. The motion is keeping me in reality, instead of the place where my urge is controlling me. I mean, the urge controls me every hour every day, but it is on the sideline now./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" Dad stays in the waiting room, too afraid to go in and help me get settled. Imagine how it feels for a nine-year-old. I need support from both my parents. Since I am so young, Mommy is allowed to help me get settled once my bags are inspected. The employees are staring at me because I look like a five-year-old, and they don't expect a nine-year-old to be admitted for an eating disorder, much less one that looks like a toddler. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" "Lilly, I'll see you tomorrow at three o'clock, okay?" Mommy tells me as I fall asleep./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" While I'm in inpatient, a nurse is watching me all the time. When I am sleeping, when I take a shower, even when I am with my Mommy. I have to take pill after pill and fight urges. Excessive therapy just makes me stressed about other people. Trying to deal with the fact that I am sick and I need to stop doing what I have been doing for years makes me very distant and hostile. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" The one thing that keeps me sane was just practicing my acro and ballet moves to make sure I won't fall behind on my dancing, which I can't do much because I have strict exercise rules as an eating disorder patient. But it's totally worth creeping out the nurses and the patients. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" But it's not all fun and games. I'm put in a straightjacket once and have to deal with a borderline creepy nurse. I hate Nurse Charlotte. I hate Mommy for bringing me here, but I understand why she did it. I hate hospitals now. I become very quiet, wanting to avoid interaction as much as possible so I can survive. I get very defensive too./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" My doctor originally tells me I have to stay here for at least two weeks, but Mom manages to get me out after just one week. She probably has seen my deteriorating condition. It's tough, living with bulimia, but I survive. I'm alive./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: left;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;" /span/spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I still have to take Fluoxetine every day, and I have some brief relapses, but I'm happier. I still have to go to therapy every Sunday, the one free day I have. The urges have turned into thoughts, which I write in a journal just for my own recollection if they show up at all. But there is one problem: the thoughts will never go away. /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: center;"span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: 'Nanum Myeongjo', serif; color: #0e101a; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-position: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"~~~~~/span/p
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