Warning: this oneshot deals with the topic of infertility and miscarriage is mentioned very briefly.

A/N: I never meant to write a Lunar Chronicles fanfic, but I started wondering if Cinder could have children, and this just happened. Kai and Cinder might be slightly OOC.

Title from "How Could You Leave Us" by NF

"I'm sorry."

Shame welled inside her. She felt like a child had taken a marker to her and scribbled over her entire body in bright red. Nameless emotions surged over her in swift succession until they all blended into a murky gray-brown color, like when every paint color was poured together.

The headache from the tears she couldn't spill resounded in her mind like a judge's gavel hitting the desk over and over again, condemning her forever to a life of misery.

How had she been so foolish? How could she have let herself have such stupid, stupid hope? If she hadn't, this wouldn't be so hard.

She blamed Kai's infectious grin.

"What do you think about a little me running around?"

"Terrifying."

"You want to find out?" he had whispered seductively.

It was a pink, bubbly feeling, innocent and pure.

She should've known it wouldn't last.

How ironic, really.

After waking up a cyborg, she'd never thought anyone would love her, not like Kai did. She hadn't even liked children. Having her own was a totally foreign concept, one she hadn't thought she would ever want to understand. Now, being married Kai, she craved motherhood in a way she never thought she would. She knew Kai would be the most gentle, caring father there would ever be.

What a cruel fate that he fell in love with a girl who couldn't make him a father.

A quiet voice of doubt had begun to persist in the back of her brain.

"You're half machine," it had said. "Why would you be able to reproduce?"

She had pushed it aside.

Then months had passed with nothing.

Reality had confronted her delusions in the form of Kai's quiet question. Poor, gentle Kai. He deserved better.

"I know sometimes it takes patience, but I was wondering…can you—can you have children? Because you're a cyborg?"

She'd flown at him. All the sparks of uneasiness she'd been smothering for months erupted into a blazing fire.

"That's a ridiculous question," she'd rebuked him. "Why would you ask that?"

He'd defended himself, she'd attacked again. He'd tried to calm her, but only fanned the flames. Then, they had both caught fire.

They had spent the next week in ice cold silence.

Cinder hadn't wanted to admit that he was right to question. She began to, too. The not knowing made her uneasy. She had all the information of the world at her command, but she spent her days biting her fingernails. She had to face the facts, no matter what they were.

The doctor's expression was grim. He explained that even though the doctors who had saved her had been able to preserve much of her reproductive system, there were complications they either hadn't anticipated or hadn't focused on, being preoccupied with keeping her alive.

"I'm sorry," he said, but the apology rang hollow in Cinder's ears.

She swallowed hard. She argued every reason she thought of that the doctor might not have thought of, but he knew far more than her. He had confirmed on multiple tests that she was infertile. Unable to bear children. Even if she could, the pregnancy would be complicated and her chance of miscarriage would be high.

Her head hurt.

That's when the red shame hit. That's when she was found guilty and sentenced to a life without children. Everything was gray-brown.

Why had she married a man whose only goal in life was to provide for his kingdom and its future heir? His kingdom would despise her.

More importantly, Kai would be disappointed in her. He would be devastated. He truly wanted to be a father. She couldn't bear to think that she would be the reason for his pain.

She knew he'd always love her, no matter what, but what if? Would this be the moment he realized she wasn't good enough for him? It was silly, really, but she couldn't help it. Ever since she remembered, she had been told that she was a useless cyborg and always would be. It was an insecurity of hers that constantly lived in the back of her mind, surfacing just when she thought she'd conquered it. Now, her cyborg disabilities confirmed her to be truly unlike everyone else in the worst possible way. She could not perform the most basic life function: to procreate. She was a dead end, an abnormality, doomed for rejection. This would be the moment Kai realized it, too.

In addition, a sense of sorrow hung over her like a shadow. It danced around her in the shapes of the small children she couldn't have, taunting her. Until recently, she would never have described herself as the maternal type, but she now felt an immense sense of loss.

She was sinking in a sea of emotion. Which way was up? If she could just breathe, she could sort through it all. She had so much to process and all she could do was stare at the floor.

She was already in bed when Kai got back to their rooms from a long day in his office.

He opened the bedroom door and peeked through the crack. A thin stream of light revealed a curled up Cinder under the sheets.

"Cinder?" he called. "Are you ok? It's only 2200." She was never in bed before 2200.

"I'm fine. Just tired."

She heard him sigh, and saw through half shut eyes hazy yellow light fill the dark blue room as he opened the door wider. The bed sagged a bit as he plopped down by her feet.

"I don't need a lie detector to know you're lying."

Cinder grunted. "You're back late."

Kai paused at the change in subject, but decided not to push it. Since their argument, he was tiptoeing on a frozen lake, always guessing where it was solid and where the ice would fall through under the weight of his questions. So he told her about his long day. Boring, mundane things, for the most part. When he was finished, he leaned over and rubbed her shoulder. "Can I get you anything?"

"Get me something?" Cinder asked, knitting her eyebrows together in confusion. "Why?"

"You don't seem well."

Without thinking, Cinder responded defensively. "Why would I not be well?" she challenged. "I'm completely fine! Everything's great."

So, Kai had guessed wrong and had walked on the thin ice. He breathed in sharply and held back his initial reaction of offense. He instead focused on how much he loved his wife, even when she was going through something hard. Especially then.

Before he was able to respond, Cinder sighed and sat up, hugging her knees to her chest. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I…shouldn't yell. I have no reason to be upset at you."

"Hey, it's ok," he said. "Whatever's going on, I'm here."

Cinder looked to the floor and fidgeted with the blanket. "I have to tell you something."

Kai looked at her expectantly.

"I, uh," she started, then trailed off. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Might as well get it out now."

But she still didn't say anything.

Kai climbed over so he sat next her, cross legged, and put a hand on her knee. "I'm listening."

"You aren't going to leave me, are you?"

"Like leave leave you?"

"Leave leave me."

Kai might have laughed, but, stars, she was dead serious. He had never seen Cinder this insecure, this exposed. His brow creased in concern. "Cinder," he said tenderly, "of course not. I love you to Luna and back. Nothing can change that."

Cinder had to look away from his adoring, sincere eyes. She swallowed hard. Breathed out. "I had a doctor's appointment today," she said. "Actually, I've had a few recently." Then, in a small, hoarse, un-Cinder-like voice, "I can't have children."

Kai peered into her avoiding eyes, his own full of sorrow. "Cinder." He took her hand—her metal one—and tugged it gently. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry," Cinder said, her head throbbing. "I know how much you want kids, how much your country needs us to have kids, how disappointed everyone will be, how disappointed you—" her breath caught.

His arms were around her, lifting her up, up, up, out of the confusion, out of the waters she'd been sinking in for the past year. "It will be hard, but we'll be ok," he said, rubbing circles on her back. "I love you."

She buried her face in his shoulder. "You're not disappointed in me?" Aces, her head hurt.

"Disappointed? Sure. In you? Of course not," Kai said. "It's not ideal, but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or that we can't work through it."

"But we were going to be parents together," Cinder whispered.

Kai's heart broke. In all those years he'd known her, he had never seen her so defeated. She had always been his strength. He had to be hers now, in spite of the pain he also felt. "We still can." He pulled back a little to look at her. "We can adopt."

"It's not the same."

"I promise, any children we adopted would never have the experience you had."

"You're an emperor, Kai. Do you know how many people would throw their babies at you? No one would accept a leader who was picked like that."

"We'll figure it out," Kai reaffirmed. "If we want to raise kids, we'll work out the political part later."

Cinder fell silent, still anxious, unsure. Kai could feel her shaky breaths against his shoulder, her racing heartbeat against his own. "That's not the only thing that's bothering you about this, is it?" he asked quietly.

Cinder bit her lip. "I've tried so hard to prove to everyone that—that I'm like them. And now, I never will be."

"Why not?"

"Because they can all have kids, give another person life, and here I am, a cyborg, and I can't—and they—" she broke off. "I'm barely accepted as an actual person, and now if I can't do the most basic human function, what if they're right?"

"Cinder," Kai began, smoothing her dark frizzy hair. "You know what happened to you that got you to this point. Levana tried to murder you, and you survived. Bearing the scars from a horrible event you had no control over does not make you less than in any way. Your worth does not hinge on what happened to you or your body.

"You are the strongest person I know. Your physical problems or inabilities or differences have absolutely no weight on you as a person. You're Cinder, you're you. It has nothing to do with whether you have a metal foot, a computer in your brain, or if you can or can't have kids. You are most definitely a person—and a person I love very much." He choked up, and Cinder could see tears in his eyes. He pressed her to his chest and kissed the top of her head.

"Thank you," Cinder whispered. She wrapped her arms tightly around his waist, and they were silent for a while.

"I never thought I would want kids until I married you," she said, voice strangled. "And I can't."

Kai tightened his arms around her and murmured small words of comfort. But really, what could he do? What was there to say? He felt helpless. They both did.

Word count: ~2000

-dandelioncrown