"Hello there, everypony!" said a famous little boy. "Today I'm doing another review, this time of The Avengers. Let's see what's in store for us today. 'An ineptly written, woefully miscast disaster?' 'It gives other cinematic clunkers like Ishtar and Howard the Duck a good name?' 'An unmitigated disaster?' DID-YOU-JUST-SCREW-ME-OVER-PINKIE-PIE?! No? Are you sure there's no Hulk, Captain America, Thor, etc. in it?"

Angel came up and tugged her right wing. "It's the 1998 version of The Avengers?" asked Tommy. "Is it that awful? No wonder I saw so many negative reviews that gave it 5%. Well, let's get started."

Tommy started the DVD. "So our story, which is based on a spy series that inspired Get Smart, Mission Impossible, I Spy, etc., begins in the London area, where our male protagonist, Sir John Steed, portrayed in the 60's series by Patrick Macnee and here by Ralph Fiennes, is out for his morning stroll when… we see people trying to kill him! Luckily it's all just a training course, which he successfully passes with an A+. So Mother (who is a guy) tells Mrs. Emma Peel, played here by Uma Thurman and originally by Diana Rigg, to answer her telephone."

("Good morning, Doctor Peel. We've scheduled an appointment for you. John Steed. Boodle's Gentlemen's Club. One hour.")

"She's going to a GENTLEMEN'S CLUB?" asked Tommy. "Isn't that the place for golf: 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden?' So it's been more than two centuries since Boodle's last admitted women (they say 1762, and this is clearly the present day), and she meets… a naked Steed. And after a meeting with Mother and… a woman named Father, it's all just banter between the two protagonists from now till who knows when."

She took a very quick yawn, but Angel wouldn't let her fall asleep. "So now," she said, still tired, "we meet our antagonist, Sir August de Wynter, a mad scientist/terrorist with the plan to dominate the weather."

("Nothing beats a good lashing.")

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Tommy. "You're too good to be in this mess, Sean Connery! Who should they have picked instead of him?"

At this point, Tommy wrote "Here is a partial list of actors, living or dead, to whom the role of Sir August should have gone: MEL BLANC * PETER BURTON * RICHARD BURTON * HANS CONRIED * TIM CURRY * TIMOTHY DALTON * ANTHONY DAWSON * AURIC GOLDFINGER * ADRIAN HALL * REX HARRISON * ROBERT HELPMANN * IAN HENDRY * BENNY HILL * BURT KWOUK * GEORGE LAZENBY * BERNARD LEE * DESMOND LLEWELYN * HERBERT LOM * PATRICK MACNEE * ROGER MOORE * MIKE MYERS * DAVID NIVEN * DONALD PLEASENCE * VINCENT PRICE * GEORGE SANDERS * PETER SELLERS * MAX von SYDOW * TERRY-THOMAS * PETER USTINOV * ORSON WELLES * JOSEPH WISEMAN." "That should do it," said Tommy. "Sean Connery is just so… creepy in this movie. His one-liners are every bit as bad as his Bond quips are good."

("One should never fear… being wet."

"Bon appetit.")

"So during a sudden blizzard, Mrs. Peel kills Steed, only to tend to his wounds fifteen minutes later. Does ANYTHING in this movie make a quarter of a lick of sense? DOES IT? And I've noticed something else about London… THE CAPITAL OF THE FREAKING KINGDOM IS EMPTY? Seriously, IT'S THE MOST POPULATED CITY IN THE ISLES, including Ireland, and THERE ARE NO PEOPLE CROWDING THE STREETS? Meanwhile at Wonderland Weather, we meet every single person who wants to sing the big hit from Loving You and fails on every single level."

("You all know who I am, and I know all of you; but you cannot know one another.")

"Then we see them fight off Winnie the Pooh's evil life-size twin," Tommy said, "and we meet Evil Emma Peel. It all went downhill with Sean Connery, fillies and gentlecolts. So they meet a gun-toting grandmother named Alice, and Mrs. Peel is captured, and Sir August's seduction of her is interrupted by a phone call, and then she winds up in the Astral Hall from Luigi's Mansion, only to escape via the window where Steed waits. Mother captures Mrs. Peel, so Steed goes to Col. Jones, portrayed by an invisible Patrick Macnee, the original Steed, while thunder terrorises London and Sir August makes his plan in an impromptu one-man performance before Parliament."

(Now… is the winter of your discontent.")

"Yeah, can't you take anything better from Richard III?" asked Tommy.

("Above you, the weather is changing. The temperature is dropping. Soon it will be freezing. Why? Because the weather is no longer in God's hands, but in mine. Those clouds, all controlled by me, are recreating the weather. I have set off a chain reaction that will paralyze and ultimately destroy the city. The countdown… has already begun. And THIS IS MERELY THE BEGINNING!"

"My God, are you still talking?")

"Why, yes he is, Nostalgia Critic," replied a yawning Tommy. "He tells the whole of the Whigs and Tories (actually, Libs and Cons) that he shall kill the whole of the globe with heat, snow, rain, etc., and gives until midnight before he takes over the world. All while Father and the cloned Emma Peel are in a hot air balloon with the real one, who escapes during a huge blizzard while Father and the clone meet their untimely doom."

("KABOOM! And the [soap] scum is gone.")

"Kaboom indeed, Billy Mays," sighed Tommy. "So the heroes discover that Sir August has his secret hideout on Dr. No's abandoned island, where a secret project known as Prospero is wreaking havoc on London. Mrs. Peel deactivates the project while Steed faces off with Sir August. Steed jabs Sir August in the chest and our antagonist gets struck by lightning and dies. Boy, I'd rather see Marvel's Avengers do that. That would be far better this. Anyway, I'm Tommy, over and out!"

Tommy's Rating: 0.5/5

Her brief review: "If you're getting sucked out of a plane to your death, fillies and gentlecolts, take The Avengers (1998) with you. I expect it to die."

"One should never fear… being wet."