In the end, internet porn was his downfall, he surmised.
He could have seen the signs if he'd done more research, and maybe stopped thinking so much with his penis and hadn't allowed himself to catch feelings for Kira.
As he lay there, staring into Kira's red-stricken eyes (not the kind caused by crying, which would have been more appropriate right now, but the ones coloured with murder), he wondered whether he'd have done anything differently.
.o
Yagami Light was a beautiful woman, unique in appearance compared to the general population of Japan due to her lighter hair colour (to which the school unsuccessfully tried to force her parents to get her to dye it black, as was the policy of the school concerning 'unnatural' hair colours) and her light brown eyes. She had a spectacular intelligence and sense of social charm that attracted the attention of all the normal people about her. She could hold an audience hostage, and they'd be willing to take a bullet for her—that's how strong her magnetic draw was.
L, being male and having a healthy libido despite his reclusive nature, was not entirely resistant to this.
Due to his unsightly appearance and behaviour, he'd never been subject to the manipulative powers of female seduction, even as a detective. However, he'd seen the end results of enough femme fetale to be cautious around any women who have demonstrated an acute awareness of their ability to charm or seduce other humans, man or woman. Yagami Light was no exception.
When she was brought to his attention as a potential Kira suspect, L had a strong reason to suspect that Yagami Light was Kira, however small the percentages were. Her history noted that at 13, she had been sexually assaulted by a man on the streets, a man who'd never been caught. The police chief, her father, was understandably distressed twofold—he was the father of a victim and the police chief that was supposed to make sure this never happened. It had hurt him deeply that he was not there to be able to protect his own child, and even more so that he hadn't caught the criminal.
Because of the police chief's determination, detectives were pressed to give rape cases priority, in hopes of not only catching the rapist if he happened to strike another time, but also to feel like he could prevent this from happening to his daughter again if he eliminated all rapists as soon as possible. It wasn't that other criminal acts didn't have importance, but in his mind as a father, this was the most important thing he could do at that moment, anything to relieve himself of the stress that plagued his mind from the incident.
A girl like Yagami Light had every reason to wish death upon all criminals of the world, given her history—and especially because the criminal was never caught. Her history held the same markings of Kira supporters who plead for justice, yet are unable to get any. Those who have suffered a physical assault with no word of their assailant being captured having to live in fear… so too did Yagami Light.
If Yagami Light was Kira, surely she'd kill every rapist in an attempt to nail the one who raped her. And yet, when L looked as far back as he could of the records, rapists weren't the primary targets of those who'd experienced heart attacks.
Then again, Light was an intelligent individual. To kill off all rapists right there in an attempt to deliver retribution for what happened to her would be a foolish act and draw more attention to her as a suspect if she ever did come under scrutiny as a possible Kira suspect. So it wasn't impossible that she refrained from killing solely rapists.
Light behaved like a normal girl. A delight to be around, despite the trauma she faced. To be able to put a smile on her face despite what happened, it forced L to be on guard. Sometimes victims could hide their fear for men enough to act socially normal, but when you buy a pack of sausages and one is green, you become wary of all the other sausages. She acted as though she did not fear.
The one thing that lined up with his understanding of how rape victims went on is that she refused to date anyone. Despite her good looks, she turned down men and women alike, stating she just didn't have time to date at the moment. Given how high her grades were, it was an easily accepted excuse. She needed her time to study, after all.
L had heard nothing incriminating about her from his investigators. With the death of Raye Penber and the installation of cameras into the homes of all Kira suspects, he was granted an intimate view into the world of the seemingly perfect student.
As someone who had a healthy libido, L wouldn't be ashamed to admit that he watched porn occasionally. It wasn't often, and usually in his downtime between cases. Having things to think about generally kept his mind off of any natural occurrences, including the fleeting sensation of arousal. When he did browse porn, it was vanilla, as he didn't consume enough to find himself 'chasing the rabbit'—that is, falling deeper and deeper into harder fetishes as simpler things didn't do it for him. Nonetheless, it was still porn. While he was aware of this fact, that it was scripted, manipulated, it still gave him an impression of how women functioned, whether or not it held true to reality.
When a female is engaging in sexual intercourse with a male, she's penetrated over and over until she comes. Sometimes she plays with herself down there, rubbing the clit. Sometimes she leaves it up to the man. But in the end, it culminates to showing her face in some sort of bliss and her moaning loudly. Sometimes it was quieter—L noted that Asian females were more likely to be quieter, but through deduction of patterns, L noted that men and women tended to orgasm at the same time.
Late one night, Yagami Light had decided to masturbate in front of the cameras. L was certain that Light was aware of the cameras, yet there was no way to prove this with actual evidence. Yet the way she glanced through the erotic magazine of an array of hunky men from around the world revealed her lack of interest in them. L was surprised that Light would be bold enough to play the role of ogling men as was healthy to do despite her history, and yet it could be chalked up to having moved past it. Maybe it was her attempt at normalcy. Maybe she had already healed. She certainly acted like it.
She put the magazine away and moved back to her desk, activating her computer and logging on to one of the anonymous sites that she frequented (and of which L was aware of and tracking her every move). She seemed to love having discussions on these image boards with other anonymous individuals on the legality of individual actions and ethos of law itself, moral and ethical integrity of new laws being passed every day and their efficiency and limitations. It almost seemed like she spent more time doing this activity than actually studying. Yet she maintained perfect grades.
L's attention turned to another monitor that displayed everything on her monitor. Today's discussion was about L. His previous cases being highlighted as well as his current progress on the Kira case.
Light, anonymous, lamented about L. How he wasn't the most efficient at getting the job done, and how picky he seemed at which cases he chose to solve. With how many unsolved cases there were in the world, it was like people's suffering were for his benefit, his amusement.
Light wished L would be more helpful to the world.
L frowned. There really was only so much one man could do. A man like L did the jobs that no other detective could do; what could he do more than what no other person was able to do?
As the night went on, L saw Light becoming more huffy and frustrated as the debate spiraled quickly out of control. As was common with internet discussion, it tended to go off the rails or reduce to calling each other 'Nazis' for being unable to come to terms with the other's ideas.
Even though Light was smart, there would always be people who didn't agree with her ideals. That included L.
She was always careful in how she presented her world views, not necessarily advocating for Kira, but saying the way he was going about handling the world's criminals was expediting the process that L was doing. Which wasn't actually true, as the criminals L handled actually got a fairer trial than Kira, who gave no chance for pleas.
With one last irritated post, Light clicked out of the browser window and shut down her computer. Her face was drawn into a scowl, the frown no longer highlighted by the computer monitor. She flopped onto her bed, a hand running through her hair and the other shoving itself down her pants. Her eyes closed but her face remained taut with displeasure.
L leaned forward, drawn to her hidden hand which shifted slightly in the dark. It was hard to see, as the camera quality dropped considerably without light, but he could just see it…
"People are so stupid," she blurted out of nowhere. A sigh followed, and she turned from her side onto her back. "They just don't understand."
That lithe body squirmed out of her pajama bottoms, letting them tangle around her lower legs. One leg curled up, obscuring the view of one camera, so L looked at another. Small, thin fingers worked themselves in and out of folds, and though the picture was grainy, L could feel a tingle of arousal prickling at his loins. Her other hand bunched a pillow up to support her head.
"If only someone smart enough could debate me, then I wouldn't be this frustrated." She pouted into the pillow, those fingers pinching at her clit, rubbing gently which had her hips following it. L wasn't sure if it was just the grain of the feed or if there was a slight glimmer of fluids between her legs…?
An alarm rang quietly in the back of L's mind. The statement Light just made could be connected to the assumption that Light knew there were cameras in the room, and thus knew that L was watching. L, the smartest detective in the world. This was a trap. She was masturbating because she knew a man was watching her. She was trying to appeal to him.
Regardless of this realisation, his groin filled with blood, and he was uncomfortably aware of his now-distracting arousal. He refused to give in to it. His hands gripped at bunched up fabric around his ankles, worrying them with restless clutching.
It felt like a porn video, what with him seeing a woman on screen and him alone with his thoughts and the humourous parody of actual intimacy by responding to the female's actions with his own (that normally being him jerking off). But knowing that this was a person he knew, that this was happening in real time, there was something about it that was decidedly titillating for L.
That was a Kira suspect.
She made a sound of frustration and L was able to forget her history, eyes glued to the screen, tracking each pixel as though it would give him all the answers (to questions he didn't have at the moment, because his mind was focused on this woman on his screen).
It seemed to go on forever, much longer than when a man was having sex with a woman. There were no objects used aside from her fingers, and L wondered if there really was something about a man's dick that caused the shorter time required for a woman's orgasm.
When Light came, it was quiet, rather uneventful compared to what L witnessed in porn vids. She bit her bottom lip and her legs jerked. One could make the assumption that she was trying to be quiet since her parents were sleeping nearby in other rooms, and walls of a Japanese house were paper thin. Anything too noisy and others would definitely hear.
Light got up to grab a towel and wipe herself down before throwing off the sheets of her bed and deciding to sleep without one. She didn't make a further show to the cameras in the process. It was likely she was tired after the orgasm. Females seemed to want to take a nap afterward (L had heard a woman's orgasm was a full body experience, so it only made sense that they'd be tired).
When Light didn't move from her resting position after ten minutes, L decided it was time to return to other detective duties. Yes, other duties, as peeping on a woman's self-intimacy was still part of his duties, he decided.
.o
It was true that even the best camera distorts how a person looks. In this time period, no camera would have been able to mirror the beauty of Yagami Light in person. Having seen her in person for the first time, L had to remind himself that looks were deceiving. Some of the best mass murderers presented themselves as idealistic, well-groomed and praised individuals.
The perfect valedictorian was still a suspect, even as he stood next to her on stage, looking slovenly compared to this well-designed puzzle standing beside him.
.o
He wanted to play tennis with her, but was succinctly aware of the fact that males were, on average, stronger in sports than females—a simple biological fact that could not be ignored. Instead, he challenged her to a game of chess, as she showed strength in the game. Strength in muscle and reaction speed weren't the only things that could be tested, nor were they the most important. A test of wits was also important.
L considered himself impressed when Light managed to check him multiple times, with their game ending in a draw. All the more reason to suspect someone like her to be Kira.
.o
They visited the small hole-in-the-wall café, where L put her through the ropes of asking questions about Kira, and she responded as well as he expected her to. He shouldn't have been surprised that she was so open in facial expression to him. He was used to girls being put off by him, whether in appearance or behaviour and mannerisms, but she behaved like she didn't see it, or didn't care.
He gnawed on his thumb, staring at her openly as she ate the food brought to her.
"This is great; do you want to try some?" She asked suddenly, causing him to snap out of his white tunnel vision. She had a piece of the meat she was eating extended to him with chopsticks.
"No thank you," he said quickly, diving into his desserts. It threw him off that she would offer him food like that. What was the intent? Was she trying to show that she wasn't a threat? Make him feel comfortable? All a part of her game? Or was it really so good that she wanted to share it with him, a mere acquaintance who was purported to be the world's greatest detective?
Who offers to share their food with an acquaintance? Straight off of the same chopsticks she was eating with?
.o
Misa was a girl that Light was able to attach herself to, to potentially throw L off. L knew of how she was attacked, and thus it would seem reasonable for Light to partner with a female instead of a male. Light could find comfort and safety with her own sex, and maybe now was the time she chose to indulge in it, despite past rejections of women.
Why Misa, however, was a mystery. The girl held uninformed and misguided views on many things, some of which conflicted with Light's own views on the issue of women's rights and protection of women in the current state of Japan. Light maintained conservative views while attempting to guide a path for better equality for women while Misa's more liberal views would surely leave a sower taste in Light's mouth, L surmised. Why then would Light put up with someone as obnoxious as Misa?
Perhaps it was Misa's popularity that Light took solace in. A pop idol meant that there was constant scrutiny on both the idol and the one they were dating. To have a female as her partner blew up media headlines, for same-sex relationships weren't a common phenomenon in Japan. With everyone watching, it meant that for L to continue accusing Light of being Kira, he'd have to contest against all of the evidence from idol media that showed Light as a perfect girlfriend for Misa, with absolutely nothing to indicate any Kira shenanigans.
.o
Light did not let go of her memories in the prison cell.
She needed to keep her memories. She didn't want to lose any of them despite the obvious advantage of more believable acting.
That night she'd been raped, she initially wanted to forget all of it. To forget the day, to forget the pain not only between her legs, but the mental anguish that followed. All her life up to that point had been an act, to make sure her parents didn't worry (and that she wouldn't have to worry, either). But when the attack happened, it seemed a more daunting task to keep up a mask. It's almost as though whenever someone looked at her, they were seeing past the mask and noticing the cracks underneath, giving them reason to judge.
It gave her more reason to perfect her acting so that no one could see her for what she really was.
Everyone who was involved in her case knew, and while they were people who had seen the same thing happen to other girls, she felt as if she received more judgment, for how could a perfect girl allow herself to be put in that position? If she'd walked with a friend or didn't walk in that part of town then maybe it wouldn't have happened.
But the more she carried on, the less she wanted to forget. She kept those feelings, watching as others were able to go on living as though bad things in life didn't happen. As if it were okay for them to smile because they weren't affected by the blight of crime. That if someone were broken, it wasn't their problem, and that criminals would be criminals no matter what.
She wanted to become a police officer, not only because of her father, but because she wanted to deliver justice herself.
It was like fate for the Death Note, a tool of justice, to be given to her specifically (despite Ryuk's assurance that her finding the Death Note was by pure coincidence).
She was glad she chose not to try to fight the memories, chose to keep them. The first few people she killed, she wouldn't deny she had some feelings of guilt. But remembering what happened to her, she justified her actions. She would prevent crime from happening to other defenseless individuals, whether male or female, for predators in this world deserved a swift sentence from the judge, jury, and executioner herself.
So she chose to keep her memories while sitting in that jail cell, allowing the executions to stop while she was imprisoned, and allowing the Kira executions to continue under Misa's control. She needed control at all times. Letting her memoryless self try to take control of the situation may be detrimental when she needed to keep all of her lies tied up in a neat bow.
Nothing stopped L from talking to her late at night. At least, she thought it was night, because she didn't think he'd be conversing with her about all these things when the other men of the task force were around.
It was in there that they got to know each other more… well, Light knowing more about L, as L knew mostly everything about Light already. Humans needed social interaction, and L seemed happy to provide. He picked at that brilliant mind, enthralling Light even as she lay on that cold floor.
She didn't deny herself as being Kira, since her own suspicions were why she was here in the first place, but when she was told that the killings still haven't started back up again, she allowed memories of that day to conjure up in the front of her mind, allowing the feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred to force tears to her eyes. They rolled down her face and dropped to the floor, puddling up where she lay on her side. She didn't make a big scene, and instead made it so that she didn't want L to see.
"Maybe I really am Kira," she said in a warbled voice. "I wish I could remember it."
When the killings started again, L grew understandably frustrated. Of course Kira would have an accomplice. L had thought he'd caught that accomplice already—that being Misa—but apparently there were more people involved in this game than he realised.
.o
Light and L were handcuffed together.
Yagami Soichiro was not pleased.
The entire task force had plenty of valid objections to the proposed sleeping arrangements, but it was another one of his ultimatums for this case. He wasn't the world's three greatest detectives by always doing what was morally or ethically sound.
L was conscious of some necessary sex-based divides, and allowed her a bit of privacy when it came to bathroom issues (including the time-of-the-months where every four hours he was forced away from his computer so she could handle her lady business) despite his brain screaming at him that death could befall upon him at any time Light chose to use the bathroom or take a shower.
They worked diligently, and L begrudgingly admitted that as a team, they were a force to be reckoned with.
At night, they slept in the same bed. Initially, Light made an uproar about it, to which L said he could sleep on the floor, but then Light changed her mind, seemingly feeling bad about making L sleep on the floor. Light had no real reason to keep L's comfort in mind, given the fact that he stripped away so many of hers, and especially with every utterance of calling her 'Kira'.
The first time she stepped out of the bathroom in her pajamas, L gawked, which had the Kira suspect blushing. Even someone as ugly as L ogling at her could flatter her. Being stuck in a room for weeks on end without being able to see any other human could mess with a girl's mind, okay?
Maybe it was Stockholm syndrome.
Light struggled to fall asleep. She complained about hearing L tapping on the keyboard, and then to the light from the monitor (to which L bluntly told her to turn her back toward him or cover her eyes if it was bothering her so much).
Sometimes he heard Light whining in her sleep, sounds of fear. When he asked her about her dreams, she complained of nightmares of the sight of a gun being pointed at her.
Valid complaints. There were studies of PTSD from fake executions. But it had to be done. Her father almost didn't go through with the plan at all, knowing that this would only add on to her mental scars. But if he wanted her out of that cell with an even stronger conviction that his daughter wasn't Kira, he'd have to do it.
.o
Even insomniacs like L needed to sleep sometimes. He'd waited until Light fell asleep before he allowed himself to lie down from his squatting position, as far away from Light as the chain allowed, and closed his eyes.
When he woke up, it was from Light draping herself all over his body.
She was still asleep, judging by her breathing, but L was now wide awake. And so was his lower half.
He cursed silently. She was warm and smelled of something flowery but not sweet. Her slow breaths brushed against the bare of his neck as her head was tucked in against his shoulder. Sometimes she made little mumbles that vibrated on his skin, causing the distress in his pants to become more urgent.
He successfully willed away an erection in the past, but it wasn't working here. He really didn't want her waking up and seeing his arousal, as that would likely horrify her considering her past. He didn't want to break the fragile trust between them (trust with conditions, as a Kira suspect is still a Kira suspect).
He slowly and gently picked up her limbs and set them away from him. Unhurriedly, he sidled himself out from under Light's weight until he was freed, and proceeded to crouch on the floor.
He refused to attend to his arousal, instead opening his laptop and hoping that it would go away on its own. He would not take advantage of anything in this situation.
.o
She had become increasingly flirtatious the past few days, allowing L to preen with the compliments bestowed upon him of his intelligence and fortitude despite the slow progress on the case. While pep talks didn't do much for his depression on lack of progress, her attention on him had a positive effect. Her brisk touches when working together were noticed by him, as well as the prolonged touching as she became more bold when no one was looking. What was a brief brush of their bodies when he showed her something became an unmistakable unspoken request for further inquiry when she didn't pull her knees away from rubbing against his, nor her arm against his when she leaned in closer to see his monitor.
His heart fluttered as he felt the heat radiate off of her and stared down at her crown of brown hair, transfixed by how the light gleamed in it. He gulped as she bumped into him as she extended her arm to point at something on the screen before she rolled away to grab one of the folders on her side. It gave him a brief moment to collect himself before those efforts were erased as she came right back into his personal space to show him some correlation between the data, forcing him to come to terms with his unruly crotch. Thankfully his crouched position hid any apparent evidence of his reactions toward her proximity.
He felt like a teen with how rebellious his body was acting around Light. He'd been around attractive women before, worked side-by-side with them, but it was never this hard to thwart his bodily function. Maybe it was because Light seemed so persistent in her actions.
She was definitely doing this on purpose.
He confronted her about it after they returned to their room.
"I hope you're not doing this because I'm the only man around your age here aside from Matsuda that you've seen in weeks."
"I'm not desperate like that," Light said, insulted. She blew her bangs out of her face as she lounged on the bed.
"Are you attempting to attract me in a sexual manner?" L cut straight to the point.
"I'm interested in you," Light shot back, glad that she didn't have to beat around the bush and play an embarrassed shy individual.
"There are plenty of other individuals who would fit the parameters of an acceptable partner for someone like you."
"Are you telling me I have a type and that by showing interest in you, I've chosen incorrectly?" She pointedly stared at him. L frowned further.
"To say that you going after me is normal would be blatantly untrue, considering you've rejected all men and most women—aside from Misa—when it comes to romantic advances." He shoved his hands in his pockets, trying to work at what angle Light was working from.
The woman sat up. "I don't like most people like that. Most people don't satisfy my qualifications." Her feet lowered to the floor. "I also like to start relationships on my terms. Which means I choose to initiate them."
She had a predatory gleam in her eye. L felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise.
What was happening here?
"Somehow I satisfy those qualifications?" L managed to get out, feeling the urge to drop into a defensive stance as she stalked up to him, but he held himself steady.
"I really don't ask for much," she said, suddenly dropping her gaze to stare at some unseen thing to the side as she picked at her nightgown.
"I trust you."
"You trust me?"
"You don't try to be someone you're not. You manipulate, yes, but you do it for the sake of justice—except when it comes to sugar. Then you're just a selfish bastard who will manipulate anyone to get another fix," she smiled cheekily. "But you don't manipulate people because you want something for yourself. You don't change who you are to get other people to like you. You come as you are, and you wouldn't try to lie to me to be your friend, even if I am a Kira suspect. And that's why I can trust you."
Her hands slid up his arms, unsure, holding near his elbows with her thumbs rubbing circles into his skin.
"And because of that… I feel like I can be comfortable around you. Like you see me as my equal. You don't look at me like I'm a piece of meat or someone beneath you." She looked up at him.
His heart was beating way too fast. He was certain he was sweating. Despite his lack of physical intimacy with any woman, his body still had that hard-wired response ready to activate, something that was primal in nature and necessary for the continuation of the human species…
"There's other qualifiers that you satisfy but maybe you already know them?"
"I do?" L gulped as her face got too close to his—able to only because of his poor posture—
He wished it wouldn't have come to this. Yet here he was, kissing her.
Thoughts of how this could be used to his advantage for the Kira case—and how disadvantageous potential emotional conflicts of interest could be—raced through his mind and he selfishly accepted the responsibility and liabilities of fraternizing with a suspect, pursuing her soft lips with fervor.
Her small body drew him in, connecting as much as possible with that slouched posture, sending tingles up his spine where they did touch. He couldn't help but make small moans from the new sensations he was feeling, so strong from their first time activation, overwhelming. The softness of the skin on the back of her neck that he cradled, the gentle curve of her hip, the pleasant aroma of her body wash, the incessant priming of his groin bumping boldly into her body.
His brain was flooding with amounts of dopamine he'd normally only found in the completion of a satisfyingly difficult case. Here, he hadn't finished solving the puzzle of Yagami Light, but if connecting to her in this way resulted in feedback like this, he'd rather keep trying to solve the puzzle forever than having it end and the stimulation with it.
It seemed like forever when he pulled himself back, away from this intoxication that was kissing.
His blood was pumping like he'd just done a long game of tennis. From his toes to his head he felt ready.
But Light didn't move forward.
She licked her lips and withdrew.
"Maybe once this whole thing is over, we can be something more."
Not for the first time since meeting Yagami Light, L regretted that she had to be the prime Kira suspect.
.o
When Higuchi was restrained by the police, Light turned to him. "Once this is over, do you think… we could further things?"
"Further things…?" he echoed, focused on what was proceeding in the scene in front of him as they pulled out a black book and one by one began screaming about a monster.
"Yeah… like… I see something in you. I think I might want to be with you."
She said it so calmly, it was humourous in juxtaposition to the chaos occurring out there.
"Be… with me?" His focus was starting to split as the words were processing in his mind. Someone had handed him the notebook, and he could see.
See the giant bony monster as Light said, "Yeah. I don't want this to end."
It was bold of her to be talking about this in such a 'public' arena. What was 'this' anyway?
Her hand brushed against his, and he wasn't sure whether he shivered because of the monstrosity that was shinigami, or because of the warmth that her touch sparked on his hand.
She held his hand, and at the same time, briefly making contact with the Death Note. She continued to stare warmly at him despite his lack of attention on her, but when his bugged-out eyes turned to stare at her, she glanced out at the scene and her eyes widened and she gasped in horror. It wasn't the screams of terror that the men outside had exhibited,
"Who would want excitement like this to end?"
.o
"Did you know? I find intelligence attractive."
This was getting out of control.
There was too much to think about, what with the discovery of shinigami Rem and the implications of the Death Note. He had wanted to continue working through the night. Rem had stated she killed Higuchi, "just because she can," going with the story that she needed entertainment from the boring life she had in the Shinigami Realm. As there was no way to stop a shinigami at the moment that he knew of, he was left to consider other parts of the puzzle.
Namely the rules. That thirteen-day rule must be tested.
But here he was. Moaning in between kisses as he stared down at the woman who proclaimed that she was turned on by his smarts. She certainly seemed to show it, moaning openly as, at her request, he muttered on about difficult aspects of his older cases, ones that she already had knowledge of, but which demonstrated deductive reasoning beyond what was normally feasible for people less gifted. Those 'ah hah' moments, the foreshadowing and connections made that he whispered, had her clenching around him as he thrust inside of her.
At first, he'd struggled to get anything out, because he was overwhelmed by how good it felt inside of her compared to his hand. He could only nod dumbly and try to say anything that wasn't word salad before his brain managed to catch up and comply with her request to "talk smart to me." He could have chosen science or any other thing, but as detective work was what he was used to doing, and given the fact that he couldn't focus on much, going with his general line of thought (detective work) was the easiest to concentrate on talking about.
He felt pleased that he was someone who met her expectations. They weren't ridiculous or unrealistic expectations, like many women have shown to have, but being able to meet them despite his appearance (which is often a deal breaker for women) gave him a surge of confidence.
He had a beautiful woman underneath him moaning and gasping for breath, responding beautifully to his actions, and it was over quickly as he came inside of her. He could feel her squeeze, and tense up like she was coming as well… She must be coming as well, yes, that was how women in porn looked, so this was what an orgasm looked like in real life. That means he must have satisfied Light properly.
Being able to trust someone like him despite her history, allowing him to enter her space and bring her bodily satisfaction… it made him doubt his judgment of her as Kira. How could he have thought that about her? She felt comfortable enough around him to drop her defenses and let him have sex with her, despite what happened to her. If she felt her safety were at danger (L getting close to figuring out Kira's identity), would she have still let him to this to her?
He asked if she was alright, and she said it was amazing.
His brain was pumping feel-good chemicals he'd never felt before, and as he looked at the girl beneath him, flushed and breathing heavily, his heart warmed with something foreign.
As he reached completion, he came to a horrifying conclusion (given the circumstances).
He was falling in love with Yagami Light, his primary Kira suspect.
While the Kira case had initially come to completion with the death of Higuchi, it didn't feel over for him. People were still dying and he knew there must be other Death Notes out there.
.o
He pulled up every resource he could about falling in love after having sex. He wanted to reassure himself that this was a natural phenomenon rather than Kira having yet another power—the power to make her victims fall in love. It was an irrational thought, yes, but considering that many aspects of the Kira investigation revealed seemingly supernatural causes, nothing was out of the question.
Thankfully (and worryingly), the internet did reveal that it was a general phenomenon that had been researched and could be explained. Unfortunately, his brain was susceptible to producing the same hormones as any other person, and having sex was a great way to build feelings of love where, in this relationship, they probably shouldn't be. He was quick to attribute it to the sex alone, but apparently the feelings of falling in love are also built by other acts of intimacy, such as spending time with another. L had spent much of his time observing the Kira suspect to the point where he could probably list off everything about the girl with pinpoint accuracy.
.o
In the silence of the dark, he heard her slow, sleeping breaths, and the ticking of her watch. He felt like it was counting down his final moments.
Why was he worrying still? Higuchi was gone and the murders were happening even though the prime Kira suspect was laying right there, unable to reach any Death Note. It could have been extremely unfortunate coincidences. Yet he was not a man who preferred to live in denial. He bit at his thumb until he broke skin while staring at this woman he'd caught feelings for. He doubted any relationship between them would ever be healthy so long as he had suspicions of her being Kira, which would be always, as the evidence was strong against her.
And yet, she gave herself to him. Willingly. She initiated it.
Was it a desperate attempt, a last ditch effort of offering up her body to entice him not to have her sentenced as Kira?
.o
It was all a deception.
He'd let his guard down.
He'd thought that maybe that was the moment he could trust that she was telling the truth. But even that orgasm was a lie. An act played for him, to make him invalidate his own suspicions and every rational line of logic that screamed she was Kira.
She'd said she came. She lied about that. If only he'd known what a woman's orgasm actually looked like, he could have found that lie and remembered all of the reasons not to trust her. He improperly placed his trust in someone and paid the price with his life. Watari had warned him, his own brain had warned him multiple times, and he didn't listen.
He sadly thought that maybe she thought having sex with him was the only way to save herself. And that it still wasn't consensual sex despite her saying yes, and that he perpetuated a type of 'prostitutional paid rape' that she felt was necessary to earn favour with her 'captor', to stay alive.
He thought, briefly, if shinigami had porn, perhaps they would find more entertainment with themselves than through allowing humans to kill one another.
How strange one's dying thoughts could be, gallows humour at a time like this.
Then his world faded to black permanently.