Shade the Goat
Summary: Next time she dies she wanted a human body. You know one with hands and fingers, with skin and not fur because being a goat is not necessary her ideal life, but hey whatever she make do. At least she gets to kick people she doesn't like. Or, the one where Tony Stark has a goat. Don't ask why she just wouldn't stop following him. (One shot) (OC reborn as a goat.)
Once upon a time she was once a woman.
She was human.
She had a body, with skin, and short hair. She had fingers. She was not a goat let she was and all because she died getting run over by a car all because she wasn't looking where she was going and now, she was stuck here.
As a goat.
One thing for sure she wasn't going to live on a farm.
She had always been more of a city person.
Thus, that is why a goat escape and ended up in New York city standing outside of Stark tower because hey she might as will do something useful in this lifetime.
Being friends with Tony Stark. Rhodey had gotten a number of strange, phone calls his best friend was normally drunk most of the time, after all, but this had to be the strangest.
"I'm sorry, but what?"
"There's a goat outside of my tower eating grass," Tony repeated.
"And, why is there a goat outside of your tower and where does it get the grass from?" Rhodey asked.
"Animal control gave her some grass."
"Why didn't animal control take the goat with them?" Rhodey asked.
Wasn't it their job to take away wild animals?
Yes, he knows a goat is normally not wild, but most of the time they do live on farms and not in the streets of New York city.
"Because she destroyed three cars, snapped four nets in half. Sent half a dozen of people to the hospital and used people as human shields when they tried putting her to sleep. So, they left her with some water and some grass and now I'm stuck with a goat outside of my tower. And, I'm not too sure what to do about it, mama bear."
Rhodey paused as he tried to take all of this in.
A goat. In New York city that's not the odd bit it was after all New York, something strange was bound to happen, it was the fact that one goat caused all that trouble and now stood outside of the tower.
"I think she wants to come in."
"Tony, we do not let strange goats inside buildings."
"But she's given me the puppy dog eyes beside she won't hurt me. I'm the only one that didn't end up getting attack."
"We do not let goats inside."
"But…"
"Tony, no."
There was no answer and for a second Rhodey was worried.
"Tony?"
"I'm alright. I just don't know what to do with her. The animal control said that it was my problem now. She scared them away Rhodey."
"Maybe the military has to get involved."
"It's a goat," Tony said as if that solve everything.
"Yes, I know it's a goat."
"And, you want the military to step up?"
"Yes."
"You know she going to destroy them the moment they come near her. Trust me on this Rhodey I was there when she destroyed animal control."
"Will what, are we going to do with a goat?"
He knows what Tony is going to ask.
"And, you are not keeping a goat that scared away animal control."
"I could name her though."
"You are not naming her. Just stay put in your tower and I'll see what I can do."
"I'm not Rapunzel. I can look after myself just fine."
Rhodey didn't comment.
"What? I can. Also, I think the goat likes the name Shade."
"Tony!" Rhodey said holding the phone closer to his ear.
"What? She won't attack me."
"And, how do you know she won't attack you?"
"That's simple. I'm petting her right now."
Rhodey let out a groan of frustration telling Tony Stark to stay put and don't let the goat in. No, he didn't care about the puppy dog eyes.
He went of to tell the military and later on in that same day the goat did end up scaring a bunch of soldiers, after she ended up breaking a few bones with her kicks and leaving some dints in the jeeps.
It didn't help that Tony didn't want her killed otherwise he wasn't going to speak to Rhodey for weeks. So, in the end Tony Stark got a goat at least she didn't try and kill Rhodey that had to count for something. Right?
Pepper really shouldn't be that surprised. She really shouldn't, but she is, like a lot because that's a goat in Stark tower and Tony gave that said goat a whole floor. She was however surprised that Tony was the one that looked after Shade.
She expected a maid, but nope Tony did most of the cleaning.
"You know your not allowed to chew on walls."
Shade kept biting on that said wall.
"Maybe I should think of somewhere else for you to live."
Shade glanced up.
"No, don't give me that look. I'm just saying. I like my walls. My walls are great and I rather not have you chewing on them."
Puppy dog eyes.
"Fine, I supposed I should be just glad you do your business outside and not in the tower."
Shade went back to biting on the wall.
"Jarvis, look up how to stop goats from bitting walls."
"Of course, sir."
Pepper supposed she should be thankful that the goat didn't kick her like it did with Obadiah.
Obadiah wished that goat would just shut up.
At least it wasn't trying to kick him this time, but still he couldn't put up with that awful crying it made. It sounded like a human slowly being murdered and Obadiah had to put up with it whenever he visited Stark tower. It was worse than his alarm clock.
"Shut up!"
The goat stopped but then her head pointed towards him. Obadiah walked slowly backwards while she walked forwards and the next thing he knows. He's running around Stark tower trying not to get killed by a goat because he swears, she will kill him. He just got lucky because people we're with him last time.
The security guards at Las Vegas blinked in unison.
"Is that a goat?" one asked.
"I don't think goats are allowed in the building."
The goat didn't care she kept walking by them and walked right beside Tony Stark.
"Do we tell him goats aren't allowed inside?"
"I dunno. Is he going to listen? He is Tony Stark."
The guards also noticed another thing. Obadiah Stane trying to blend into a wall.
"What?" he said the moment all eyes we're on him. "That thing evil."
The goat glared at the man and of he went into another direction.
The guards shrugged. It was just another day at Las Vegas.
There's a goat on the plane.
Rhodey pretty sure the goat wasn't meant to be on the plane not for a tour at least.
Also, who gave that said goat grass?
"Tony your late."
"I'm telling you Rhodey, what's the point of having your own plane if it leaves without you."
"That doesn't change the fact that your late. Even your goat came here earlier then you did."
Tony glanced at the goat.
"Where did she get the grass from?"
"I have no idea."
The goat kept munching.
"Happy take Shade out of the plane she not going on this tour."
"But sir."
"Nope, Happy I don't care if she breaks another car because of it, she not going with me to Afghanistan."
Happy nodded and tried to place a lead on the goat. The goat wouldn't move no matter how hard Happy pulled it.
So, Tony walked out of the plane and she followed then he quickly walked into the plane shutting the door behind him and leaving an unhappy goat behind.
It was safe to say that Happy Hogan didn't like putting up with a screaming goat that sounded as if a baby was crying.
"Stop that goat," military personal said.
A dozen of personal ran after a goat who ran the other way.
"How did that goat even get in here?"
Rhodey decided to hop on that helicopter before anyone could blame him for the goat.
"Get of that jeep."
Shade was indeed standing on the jeep and Rhodey was of beside he had a best friend to look for. The military can handle a goat. Right? Right? Yeah, maybe not because Shade wasn't your normal goat, she was scarier smarter than a normal goat.
Tony Stark arrived home finding a goat in the car waiting for him.
"Hey, girl. I'm back."
"Baa."
"She missed you boss," Happy said. "She went missing when you had gone. We went looking for her, but then we found out she was walking around the country. I think she was looking for her. She also tried to sneak in on a few planes."
"Will I'm back and I say cheeseburger and a press conference."
"Tony, how about a hospital," Pepper said.
Shade bumped her head into him.
"Hey, don't do that."
She kept bumping her head into him.
"Shade. Stop."
"I think she wants you to go to a hospital."
Shade stopped.
"But press conference."
Shade kept bumping her head into him.
"Alright, alright, fine I'll see a doctor then."
"Baa."
She stopped.
"Bossy," Tony muttered. "Can I at least get a cheeseburger?"
"Did you just ask a goat permission for a burger?" Pepper asked.
Shade nodded her head.
"Did the goat just answer? Happy, I'm not too sure what's normal anymore."
"I have a feeling it would end up being normal," Happy said as he started the car.
Phil isn't too sure what he's looking at.
Yes, he knows there's a goat in front of him.
Yes, he knows that said goat is Stark goat.
That still didn't stop him from questioning reality.
Also, since when did Tony Stark get a goat for a body guard?
All the things Phil was not trained to do.
"You know she likes you," Stark pointed out. "She normally attacks people by now if she didn't."
"Baa."
Phil does wonder if he can feed her though.
What?
He's never been near a goat before.
Pepper had decided that it was about time that she looked around in Obadiah history. She just knew something was of.
She knows the risk of getting caught, but something wasn't right and she was willing to find out what.
Which is why she slowly opened up Obadiah office, but was not expecting to find the same man standing on his office table with Shade on the ground holding his laptop.
"Sir," she said.
"Ms. Potts," Obadiah said. "Maybe you can get this goat far away from me."
Shade, handle her his laptop.
"Baa."
"Now, Ms. Potts pass me over my laptop."
Obadiah was about to step down, but the moment he did he was sent into the wall by the goat legs. She winched at the sight before she patted her on the head.
"I think we need to tell Tony about this. Don't we?"
"Baa," the goat said.
Thus, that's how Obadiah Stane ended up in jail. It was said that he never like goats for the rest of his life.
Pepper started to freak out the moment she watched Tony Stark getting attack by a guy without a shirt and whips as weapons.
"Happy, we need to help."
"I don't think that's needed."
"And, why not?" Pepper asked.
Happy pointed to the TV in front of him and she gasped.
By the time Tony ended up in his suit Shade came running in and headed but the shirtless guy/ insane killer.
That said man ended up on the ground only to get stamp on repeatedly by that said goat.
Iron man ended up pulling Shade of a very badly, and injured man that had to go to the hospital due to broken ribs.
Happy was right.
They really didn't need to help.
"Iron man is a dangerously weapon," Senator Stern said. "He shouldn't be allowed…"
There was a thud from the door.
All eyes turned to the door, all but Stark who looked as if he wanted to be anywhere else, but here.
"He shouldn't be allowed to…"
Another thud from the door.
"Just to fly around…."
The door broke and out came a goat looking very tick of as she stamped her foot into the ground.
She took one glance at Hammer and the man went pale.
"Argh!" Hammer screamed as the goat went chasing him around the room.
People moved out of the way and Shade moved by the people more focus on killing Hammer, who was indeed screaming for his life while Tony Stark sat there unfazed by the matter and looked awfully bored.
"Stark do something about your killer goat." Hammer yelled.
Stern wasn't even going to ask how Hammer ended up on the fan holding to it for dear life as Shade jumped up only unable to reach the man.
Stark whistled and Shade turned her attention to the billionaire and walked over towards him where she happily ate the apple that Stark gave her.
Hammer was slowly able to step back down on the ground only to jump when she turned to glare at him.
"As I was saying that goat is indeed a dangerously animal," Stern said.
He knows this is not at all what the case was meant to be on about, but he did just see a goat break into the building, smashing the door down and tried to kill Hammer.
"Oh, come on you can't be mad at me to," Rhodey said as the goat turned to glare at him.
And, no Shade please don't try and eat the wooden tables.
Natasha undercover where she finds herself in the hallway with Shade.
"Baa."
Happy passed her an apple.
"If you feed her, she might not kill you."
Natasha does just that and Shade happily ate it.
It was safe to say that Shade did not at all want to kill or serious harm Natasha Romanoff.
The power of apples turned out to be amazing.
Fury glared.
The goat kept chewing.
Fury glared.
The goat didn't stop.
"Come on Shade, don't eat the one-eye man coat. You don't know where it's been."
Stark pulled the goat of his coat.
Fury was not paid enough to deal with goats that ate his coats.
"Why does a goat have my laptop with all my plans on it?" Hammer asked. "Also, why is Stark goat in my building?"
Stark goat stamped her foot in the ground he swears that steam puffed out of the goat snout.
"Nice, goat. Good goat."
Stark gave her an apple last time to stop it from trying to kill him.
Maybe, if Hammer got the goat an apple, she wouldn't kill him. That would work right?
Spoilers it didn't work and he ended up in jail soon after all because a goat took off with his plans.
At least she didn't try and serious harm him this time around.
"What a matter scared of a bit of lighting?" Steve asked as thunder and lightning heard above.
"I'm not too fond of what comes after it."
Steve then watched out of nowhere a goat dashing towards the God and sending him into a tree. Ouch, that's going to leave some marks.
"Stark isn't that your goat?" Steve asked.
Iron man stood with his arms crossed, clearly not happy that his goat was in this battle and that's when Thor came to land on the ground only to find a goat beside him.
"Baa."
Thor was not expecting this.
"They cannot treat me like this," Loki said.
He was trapped in a glass cage not like that would hold him.
"Surely, you must know what it feels like to being trapped in a cage."
The goat in front of him ate the magazines left behind. Loki was a God, but he's pretty sure goats weren't meant to eat paper. Naturally that didn't stop them goats ate anything.
"Is there a goat in here?" Agent Phil asked. "Stark looking for her and he's pretty pissed of that's she ended up seeking in."
Loki pointed to the said goat.
"Thank you. Come along Shade."
It was at least entertaining to watch a train spy to try and pull the goat to follow him.
Bruce isn't too sure what to think of Shade.
She does like apples.
He rather, give her apples then have her eat the table, or Fury coat.
He's pretty sure that Fury does not like his black leather coat being munch on by a goat.
No, Shade don't eat the table.
Steve not too happy.
His shield wasn't meant to be chew on.
"Can't you do something about your goat Stark."
"In a second. I'm busy."
Stark made the table his kitchen chopping up all sorts of food and putting them into dishes before he whistled.
Shade was at least eating the food and not his shield.
"You know back at home we have a goat as will," Thor said. "She helps supply mead."
Stark blinked.
"Okay," Stark said slowly. "Shade doesn't do that."
"Is she more of a warrior goat?" Thor asked in a solemn tone.
"In a sense, yeah."
Steve decided the future was weird, but he supposed it was better then sleeping in that ice.
When Loki tried to kill Phil that planned didn't work well because while everyone was busy with the Hulk, or trying not to have the heilcarrier fall out of the sky. Shade was the only one that had nothing else to do, likely because she was a goat and so when Loki did try and kill Phil. He found himself being pushed out of the window all because he wasn't expecting a goat to attack him.
Damn, warrior goats and their loyalty to Stark.
It still didn't stop Phil from crying over fake blood on his beloved cards.
"I thought the plan was to fake your death," Fury said.
Phil only cried while Shade munched on Fury coat.
"I have an army," Loki said.
Soon this world would be his and nothing will stand in his way. No, matter what Stark says.
"That's nice."
He was expecting Stark to remind him of the Hulk.
"I have a goat."
He looked down at that said goat who was chewing grass.
"Baa."
The next thing he knows he is pushed out of the window all because of a goat. He will admit he was not expecting that.
The goat stayed in Stark tower.
Tony did take it outside or try to at least, but she ended up going back in and waited.
"I am a God," Loki said.
"Baa."
"And, you are just a mindless, worthless creature."
"Baa."
The two stared of at one another before Loki ended up having a goat kick him.
Then she headbutt him.
Then he ended up being slammed in the wall.
He lost his weapon and by the time the Hulk came to beat the God himself the Hulk paused because the God was already in pain and a mess on the floor.
Hulk and Shade exchanged looks.
"Baa."
"Puny God," the Hulk said.
Shade nodded her head.
If anybody asked why Shade and the Hulk got along so well all you need to do is ask Loki because he is still ashamed of losing to a goat.
When Tony Stark woke up after sending a nuke to space the first thing, he heard we're the Avengers voices yelling the words 'stay back.'
Only Hulk was the only one that wasn't being attack.
"Nice goat," Clint said backing away slowly. "Good goat."
Shade ran towards the archer causing him to move aside, but the goat just followed and Steve had to use his shield to block the attack for the goat ended up using him as a target.
"What I miss?" Tony asked.
"I do not think your friend took it well when you didn't wake up right away," Thor said.
There goes Steve shield flying all the way to Stark tower.
By the time they arrived Loki was staying far away from the shield that almost chopped of his head. It was safe to say that the only person Shade had never hurt was Tony Stark who casually patted her on the head while given death glares to all the Avengers. (Expect for the Hulk it turned out she like the Hulk. He gives her apples.)
He is Ultron.
Nothing can stop him.
Nothing at all.
Was that a goat trying to eat him?
Ah, his masters pet trying to chew his leg.
Okay, that was actually starting to do some harm.
And, there goes his leg.
Followed by his other leg and dear God, she going for the head.
Thus, that is how Ultron got destroyed because Shade chewed on him.
Don't worry Tony she didn't sallow any bolts she just chew him. No, she will not go to the vet.
That is why Shade ended up going to the vet the following day.
When Peter Parker meets Shade, she standing right next to Aunt May.
"She won't leave me alone. I'm going to have to try and get into contact with Tony Stark because I'm sure he's looking for her."
No, Peter don't give her apples they're not keeping her.
Not like that matter because Shade kept coming around no matter how many times the landlord said no goats allowed.
Yes, Peter Parker does know Tony Stark only because he knows Tony Stark, goat.
No, Shade don't eat his homework.
Bucky pretty sure the goat hates him.
Sure, he might be slightly brainwashed and had been in Hell for years, but he's pretty sure that goat hates him.
"Bucky don't put your finger near her."
That said goat tried to bite of his finger again and that was before she decided to kick him instead pushing him into a wall.
He heard Steve screaming after that. (Something to do with Shade trying to kill him.)
The Avengers never fought over the Sokovia Accords mainly because Shade got to them first.
"We've got spares." The government said.
"Aren't you the lot that almost nuke New York city when Loki tried to take over?" Phil asked.
The accords decided it was best not to bother with the Avengers. That didn't stop the team from fighting though, they are the Avengers after all and no Shade don't eat government paper it's not good for your stomach.
Of course, when the Avengers did start to fight it wasn't even much of a fight because Steve was the main target of Shade.
"Stark do something about your goat."
The team winched as Steve ended up being thrown into a wall by a goat that seriously wanted to kill him.
"Aren't you going to help him?" Falcon asked Bucky.
"No. She took my metal arm last time I did," Bucky said.
There goes Captain America shield, flying of and sinking into the ocean.
Steve never like goats after that.
Doctor Strange knows that there is a reborn soul beside him.
He also knows that said soul has found herself in a goat body.
He also knows that she was eating his cape.
"I've been told to give you a apple as a peace offering," Doctor Strange said holding an apple in his hand.
Shade stopped biting his cape and took the apple.
She then went back to try and kill Steve Rogers.
"Stark, your goat attacking me again!"
At least she wasn't eating his cape.
Thanos was about to snap when he heard an awful human cry.
He turned around and found it wasn't a human crying, but a goat.
It sounded awful.
Loud and it was harming his ears.
Then suddenly the goat ramped into him and he found himself on the ground being stamped on by a goat who took his gauntlet. He was soon left alone in pain his weapon gone his plans destroyed all because of a goat. He didn't even get a chance to snap his fingers.
Rocket isn't too sure what to think of this goat thing, but she does have the gauntlet and she passed it to him.
"I am root," Root said.
"Baa," the goat said.
"I am root."
"Baa."
"I am root."
"Baa."
Great, there going to be here all day.
"Hey Stark. I found your goat."
"Is that the gauntlet?" Quill asked.
"Yep, the thing gave it to me," he pointed at the goat.
"I am Root."
"Baa."
"She is a warrior goat," Thor said.
"Where has she been? She missed dinner," Stark said.
"I am root."
"Baa."
Oh no, that thing was not going to try and eat Root. Rocket didn't care if Root looked like walking food to the animal. He wasn't going to let some goat thing eat Root. Go away, eat the meal Stark made for you and not Root.