line by line
Disclaimer: I don't own tatbilb
AN: Follow me on AO3.
line by line
Chapter 1: The beginning
"Hello and welcome to the first episode of our new podcast, Would You Swipe Right? I'm you're host, Casey."
"And I'm Derek."
"And our podcast name is subject to change every week. We're taking turns because we don't agree on absolutely anything...except for the fact that we should have a podcast. So here we are, two roommates quarantining together...It'll be fun!" Casey sings her way through her explanation.
"So much fun," Derek replies dryly. "And a branding nightmare."
"True. Leave your title suggestions in the comments below! I'm sure we'll run out of names at some point. Anyway, this week I get to name it andpick the topic because I won the coin toss."
"Yeah yeah. Don't rub it in! What are we talking about today, Case?"
"Well, since it's our first podcast I thought we'd do a quick little intro so the listeners can get to know us."
"The listeners are like the ten people we know. I think they know us, Case."
"It's my episode, Derek."
"Fine. Take it away, Princess," Derek sighs dramatically into the mic.
"What better way to get to know us than our tinder bio!"
"Casey ," Derek groans.
"Come on. Give the people what they want Der!"
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"Fine," Derek groans. Theres some shuffling in the background. "Ok, my current Tinder bio says: Derek. Hockey. Film. Ontario. 26. I don't know my sign, so please don't ask. "
"He's a Sagittarius for those of you who care," Casey adds happily.
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever! What's your bio?"
"Casey. Writer. Dancer. Eternal Dreamer. Twenty something."
"Really, you didn't put your age?"
"Never. I'm not a day over 21!"
"She turns 26 in a few months for the listeners at home."
"Der-ek!"
"Welcome back to Would You Rather. I'm your host, Derek."
"And I'm Casey… I'm also terrified."
"You should be. This entire episode is catered to you afterall. I spent hours...Ok, no. I spent minutes creating these questions specifically for you, Princess. So let's dive in!"
"Do we have to?" Casey offers, weakly.
"Yes, we do! Question number one, Casey McDonald...Would you rather be a part of a world-renowned dance company, or be on a New York Times bestseller list?"
"I hate you," Casey snaps automatically.
"Do you though?" Derek asks sounding doubtful.
"I… Wow . I didn't think you'd go in this direction. But uh…."
"Come on, Spacey. I have a list of questions to get through. Don't keep the people waiting!"
"New York Times," she breathes out the answer.
" Really ?"
"I won't be able to dance forever. My body won't be able to move that way forever, I mean. But write… I can write for decades."
"Alright, I'll take it. Question number two, would you rather be a New York Times best seller….Or have me apologize for everything I have done and will ever do wrong?"
"Wow! Really?"
"Really."
"But you do so much wrong."
"I disagree."
"And you're allergic to the word 'sorry'"
"That I am."
"So… I…. Wow . I really don't know what to pick."
"You heard it here first! I'm equivalent to a best seller. And she claims to hate me!"
"Welcome back to Say My Name , Say my Name. I'm Casey."
"And I'm...not Casey."
" Der-ek !"
"What?"
Casey lets out a slow measured breath. "Today we're talking about...names!"
"Riveting content! I can hear the listeners clicking off now."
"No, this is really cool, I promise."
"Alright, Princess. What you got for me?"
"I find names fascinating . The historical aspect of it. The way we identify ourselves. Nicknames! I mean, my legal name is not Casey."
"Okay… yeah. You're not wrong."
"Exactly! So, my legal name is actually Cassandra. It's Greek, with a beautiful meaning. However... no one , not even my mom calls me that."
"It just...doesn't fit who you are."
"I've had people try to shorten my name and call me Cas, or Cassie, and that just…"
" Gross . That's not you."
"Yeah. I'm Casey . I will introduce myself as Casey for the rest of my life. However...Derek has quite the collection of names for me."
"Oh! You're right. This is fun. Ok, so yeah, Casey. Not Casandra. But she is also known as Kneer, Princess, Case, and Space-Case. I think those are my favorite ones."
"I think you use Case the most."
"Yeah, it just feels right."
"Now, Derek has a boring name. It's german, and I will not tell you what it means."
"On behalf of all Dereks, I'm offended!"
"But! You still have a few nicknames."
"Yeah, I guess. Most people just call me Derek. Select few call me Der-"
"Me!"
"Well, that's only when you're too lazy to do the full 'Der-ek!' with the very important split down the middle"
"True."
"And sometimes I'm just D."
"And Derry!" Casey adds.
"Never that."
" Whatever ! Moving on. Everyone calls my sister Lizzie, but her name is actually Elizabeth."
"Cassandra and Elizabeth. How regal of you guys."
"What can I say? We're actual princesses!"
"And Marti is actually Martha. Although I think she might legally change it when she's old enough."
"I get it. She really isn't a Martha. Not even a little bit. Would you change your name, Der?"
"Nah, I like my name. What about you? Willing to change it to just Casey?"
"You know what...No. I don't mind Casandra. I think the only thing I'm willing to change, or hyphen, would be my last name."
"And we're done! We are not talking about marriage today. Roll the ad read!"
"So, as you guys know, you're supposed to run ads on podcasts," Derek started.
"But you don't have to!"
"If you want to make money, you do. And as a reminder we are broke, and podcasting isn't cheap. The mics, the hosting platform, editor, etc. So we need ads!"
"I guess…"
"And we had a company reach out to us. Our first ad read! I won't name names, but it's a popular sex toy company."
"I cannot believe we're talking about this!"
"And so, obviously I wanted to take the deal. But someone…"
"Shut up!"
" Someone was a little shy about it. So I said I'd do the ad read."
"I just can't picture you doing it."
"Why not? Why can't I be sex-positive Casey? Why are you putting me in a box?!"
"I'm not. It just...weird for me to hear you do it."
"So don't listen to it!"
"I can't. I need to make sure you do it right."
"I know the listeners at home can't see us, but just know that this is what I deal with on a daily basis since I was 15."
"You love me!"
"I surely do not."
"Welcome back to Is This Really The Way? I'm Derek."
"And I'm Casey."
"And today we're going to talk about… Pop culture."
"I did not see that coming."
"I mean… honestly it's just an excuse to talk about what I've been binging this week."
" Oh god. Is it not enough that I had to sit through it?"
"No. It's not. So, I'm late to the game but the Mandalorian is so good?"
"Baby Yoda is really cute," Casey admits with a sigh. "I just want to take care of him!"
"Well, yeah, obviously. But it's more than that. I mean...Accidental space dad? The film geek in me is just freaking out over the production quality!"
"This is true. He won't shut up about it. It's kinda cute to be honest."
"I won't shut up about it because every episode is filmed like a god damn movie. Have you seen those special effects?!"
"Yes Der. I watched it... with you. You literally pause the episodes a thousand times to study each scene."
"It's magic, Case. Movie! Magic!"
"I know. But can we talk about what I like about it for a second?"
"Go ahead!"
"Ok so we know Mando has his creed. He doesn't remove the helmet. He's all covered up and I for one, respect that. However... I saw the tiniest bit of Mando wrist under his armor and I gasped. I mean, I felt things !" Casey explains.
"Casey! I am shocked. How dare you sexualize Mando that way?!"
"I am a warm-blooded woman Derek! I was looking… respectfully."
"Sure you were. I don't want to hear about you lusting after Mando, ok? Don't ruin him for me. So lets move on to what you've been watching recently Spacey?"
Casey let out a sequel of excitement. "Bridgerton!"
Derek sighs dramatically into his mic. "It's practically porn. You're watching porn in the living room."
"Pshh! If you think that porn, I don't think you can handle the books I read, Venturi."
"Casey's dirty book club!"
"Tune in next episode! I just might have my top 10 historical romances!"
"...But in all fairness, the Duke...yeah I get it. The scene with the spoon..."
" Exactly !"
"Welcome back to The Worlds Falling Apart! I'm Casey."
"And I'm Derek."
"And our little podcast is not so little anymore!"
"It's not."
"We thought this would be for our family and friends. And we'd have to link them every week in the group chat."
"Exactly," Derek agrees.
"But now…" Casey trails off. "We have like hundreds of listeners?"
" Allegedly ."
"Allegedly. And some from… everywhere. And the bulk of them are from the states."
"Yup!"
"And we are not a political podcast, we don't know enough about anything, but we just wanted to send some love to our friends down south. There's a lot happening over there, and we want to send you hugs and love and to let you know that we're thinking about you."
"Yeah…" Derek sighs "It's like figuratively and literally on fire over there."
"Yeah. And a lot of Americans want to come up north. And unfortunately, the only way to do so, is if we marry you."
"Are you offering?" Derek chuckles.
"I mean...you're single. I'm single. It's the least we can do to help, Der!"
"To the immigration officer using this as proof as why we're not allowed to marry someone… please know, on the record, she was kidding."
" Mostly !"
"Casey!"
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