Part One: The First Goodbye
I had been holding it in for weeks.
I hadn't told anyone else, not even Gloria who was the closest friend I had at school. In truth we weren't that close even though I spent the most time with her on campus and she spoke for me with the cadets most of the time, but the truth was, I wasn't close to anyone. I couldn't be. I heard what the cadets said about me, it hurt my feelings. It always hurt my feelings. I wanted to argue with them that it wasn't true, I wasn't really like that. But it was better that they thought I was cold and mean. It was better they stayed away and didn't get too close.
In the world I was expected to live in, in the world I was expected to thrive in I was realizing more and more how limited my options were. Others my age talked endlessly with excitement about the future, about endless possibilities of the wide road ahead. My future was already mapped out for me, it had been my whole life. I wasn't sure if I wanted that anymore. My confusion about myself and my life had been growing for a long time, something I had been ignoring and suppressing as best I could. It worked too until it collided with something I never expected to find at a military school: an unmovable obstacle of sunshine that refused to stop shinning down upon that darkness that was my life, that was me. It still confuses me to think about it.
I wasn't going to say a word. I was doing my best to keep my composure. I just wanted my last drill competition to be better than the rest so I could leave the school on a high note. So, I could leave with my head held high, at least I could hold onto that. I should have told her that, then she would have understood why I was so on edge. I didn't know her father was in danger, I thought she was blowing me off, blowing all of us off, like she would have in the beginning. I didn't give her enough credit. I should have known better, I should have trusted my instincts but after years of being quietly bullied by those above me and around me, I don't trust my instincts. I don't trust myself.
I know I wasn't handling the stress well. In truth I never do. I should have just apologized right away but I couldn't bring myself to do it in front of the others. She never cared who was listening, who was watching. She only had eyes for me and a smile so bright it lifted both our hearts. She always had so much courage and strength, I envied that about her.
When she began to blame herself for our placement in the drill competition, I couldn't hold back any longer. Her name almost slipped from my tongue as it wanted to so many times over the last few weeks as she had pushed and wormed her way into my heart with her sunny demeanor and never give up attitude. I caught myself at the last moment swallowing her name, "Kelly" and changing it to a complement, the first real one I gave her in public. Now that it was over, I was allowed to be honest. I was mesmerized by how her eyes softened and lit up by my words as if she were drinking them in with joyful delight. So different from the fiery challenge I usually arose in her. Every time I had her full attention on me like that, the fluttering in my stomach felt as if it would lift me off the ground and carry me away.
I never expected her to hug me. I never expected it to feel so good or that she would smell so amazing. I knew she smelled good, she always smelled good even after the obstacle course. Which I never understood how that was possible, but she did, not that I sniffed her often but enough to know. It was part of the reason I got in her face so often. The hug threw me completely so when she gleefully told me her plans for the upcoming year my heart broke. I had to tell her and then I saw heart break. For the first time, I took away her smile for real. I saw it in her eyes, she couldn't hide it. I couldn't bear the disappointment reflected in those beautiful blue eyes, so I made a joke to bring it back. I pray she didn't notice how I struggled keeping my emotion at bay or the waving in my voice. I was just grateful that the there was no time for her to respond. My time at Washington Military Academy was over, she could go back to her friends and forget all about me.
As soon as the drill competition was over, I tried to slip away. I knew my mother was there to take me home. She would be waiting outside at the agreed upon meeting spot so she wouldn't have to deal with the crowds. Mother hated the crowds, usually I was left to walk or ride my bike home on Fridays then back on Sundays, getting a ride today was a rare luxury. As I exited the crowd, I turned back one last time to glance over my shoulder to look at her, her megawatt smile clear through the throng of students.
To my shock, she turned then, and her gaze met mine and that amazing smile grew a little brighter making my heart hurt confusing me. I turned rushing to meet my mother.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXO
Kelly watched Cadet Captain Jennifer Stone slip away through the crowd. She was so confused by the other girl's behavior. All she wanted was to be the girl's friend, but it seemed like an impossible task and now it was never going to happen. Jennifer was leaving. It was too late.
"What's wrong cadet? We did great and we're going do even better next year. It's time to celebrate not mope and cry," said Cadet Major Brad Rigby.
"Major Rigby, is everyone on the drill team returning to campus for the end of year farewell party?" Kelly asked with a small hopeful smile. Brad smiled nodding; Kelly felt a wave of relief.
"Good, then I didn't miss my chance to say goodbye."
Kelly spoke to her parents, informed them she only needed to return to campus to say goodbye to a few people then would join them on their way to the hospital to check on her father. Kelly kept an eye out for the girl she was looking for but didn't see her on the bus. Hoping to catch her before everyone left, she jumped off as soon as the bus pulled up and ran back to the barracks to find the captains room empty.
"She's gone."
A deep sadness welled up inside Kelly, tears pooled in her eyes confusing her. She turned walking slowly back to her bunk and noticed a bright bit of color neatly folded on her bed. It was the pieces of her blanket. Confused Kelly picked it up by the corner unraveling the folded cloth revealing a carefully mended blanket. A small slip of white paper floated to the floor catching her eye. She bent down picking it up as her eyes took in the careful stitching with matching thread.
The note read simply: Kelly, I'm sorry. -Jennifer
Tears welled up then spilled over down Kelly's cheeks. Emotions she didn't understand swirled inside of her, she clutched the blanket sobbing into it. Later, after the initial surge of confusing emotions died down Kelly dried her face and went in search of Cadet Major Brad Rigby.
"Cadet Collins, I thought you were taking off early with your folks?" asked Brad.
"I am but I needed to ask you a question first sir."
He nodded his smile still in place.
"Could you help me get in touch with Captain Stone sir?" She asked with an eager smile.
Brad's face fell, he frowned. "Why would you want to contact her? I thought you'd be happy to not have to see her again for a few months."
"Didn't you know? Her father's been transferred overseas. They're moving, Captain Stone isn't coming back. Do you have her phone number or address maybe? I would really like to contact her before she leaves."
Brad's face exploded with joy. "Really? I wonder if my dad knows?" He laughed like it was best news he'd gotten all year. He looked around and grabbed the nearest pen and jotted down a phone number on Kelly's palm while quietly chuckling. His attitude confused her.
"I'm confused, aren't you sad that your girlfriend is leaving?"
"No, it means I'm free. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I feel too good. I only dated Stone because we had too. Our fathers are friends, it was arranged. But! Now that they're moving, I'm free. Free!" Brad laughed again, slapped her warmly on the arm then jogged off to join his friends leaving her stunned and slack jawed.
"Arranged?" Kelly let her question linger, her mind spinning at the implications and questions it arose.
She made sure to transfer the phone number to a piece of paper before making the rounds getting contact info from her friends before grabbing her things and meeting her mother to head to the hospital. Her father suffered a concussion, two broken ribs and broken ankle. He was lucky that's all it was. Kelly stared at the phone for the next three days before finally gathering the courage to use it. Dialing the phone number was nerve wracking, she trembled as she waited for the line to ring then for someone to pick up. Her relief to hear a voice she recognized was overwhelming and arose a new set of nerves inside of her.
"Hello?"
"Hi Jennifer, it's Kelly. I'm sorry to bother you at home. I hope you don't mind; I got your phone number from Major Rigby."
"No, I don't mind at all. Actually, it's nice to hear from you."
The calm, relaxed voice on the other side of phone was so alien to Kelly yet she had seen tiny glimpses of the person she was only now meeting.
"Really? That makes me so happy, I was worried you'd be mad that I called."
"No, you can call me anytime."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Well, the reason I called was…I got your note, and I got your gift. Thank you. You have no idea what both of those things mean to me."
"I never wanted to tear it up in the first place. I wished you had kept it hidden better. You forced my hand by leaving it out you know," Jennifer replied with mirth in her voice.
"How did I do that?" Kelly asked genuinely confused. Despite how far she had come over those many months there was still so much about military life that eluded her.
"There are set punishments for breaking any of the rules and regulations, written and unwritten. I got the rep at school I have for following those guidelines, because of my father I was expected to be on par with all the other top performers of the school no exceptions—ever. You were the first person I was ever lenient with."
"Wait, you took it easy on me. No way."
"Oh, no I was. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I was actually supposed to be a lot worse to you. There were so many ways I could have punished you and the barracks for all the infractions you racked up, but I didn't have the heart," Jennifer admitted with a heavy sigh that intrigued Kelly.
"Why? Why spare me?"
"One look at you and I could tell no one prepped you for what was coming. It wasn't fair. It's like picking on a puppy."
"So, all that stuff you did was what?" Kelly asked. Her mind was spinning at everything she was learning from the other girl. It was like meeting a brand-new person who wore a familiar face.
"Um, well it was sort of a couple of things. A show for the others to keep them in line and a way to push you on track without directly showing you favoritism. Can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah."
"Why did you keep pushing things with me?" Jennifer asked softly, so softly Kelly barely heard her.
"I liked you immediately, even through your gruff exterior. I wanted to be your friend."
"I don't have any real friends."
"You do with me," Kelly said with a bright smile.
"I can hear your smile over the phone."
"Is that bad?"
"No. I like it."
They kept talking until Jennifer was called away for dinner. Jennifer called Kelly back the next day and their conversation continued. This went on every day for the next couple of months as Jennifer prepared to move overseas and Kelly enjoyed her summer.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
I was dreading this day. Moving day, we leave tonight. So many details were up in the air, I wasn't able to give Kelly the new address or new phone number yet, but I promised I would as soon as we got there. Why did it have to be like this now? Why did I have to get close to her now? I don't want to leave now. Not when everything inside of me is yelling at me to stay. Is it always going to be this hard? Feel this bad? Feel this hopeless?
Then again, maybe it's for the best. I think, I might like Kelly more than I should. More than my father would approve of. I never felt this happy when Brad would call. I never looked forward to talking to him, but Brad was a jerk who went out of his way to be a douche. I'm glad I don't have to pretend to like him anymore.
"Honey, are you busy? Can you go outside to the car and get that box of tape. I still have a few things to add to the shipping container."
"Sure mom." I stepped outside to my mother's car and rummaged in a bag in the backseat to find the tape. As I closed the car door, I was startled by a familiar short blue eyed blond girl standing there waiting patiently with a gift bag.
"Kelly? What are you doing here?" I asked, my smile growing as my heart picked up its pace.
Kelly's eyes sparkled in the morning light; her smile bright yet sad as they darted from the gift bag up to me. "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing anything. I had to bring you a going away present."
"You didn't have to."
"I wanted to, and I wanted to see you one more time to say goodbye. Over the phone last night wasn't enough," Kelly admitted with a shy shrug.
I nodded thinking back, we had talked for over four hours the previous night trying to say goodbye yet neither of us could finish the conversation until an agreement to talk more as soon as possible was reached. I had to admit, I had been thinking about doing this very thing all morning.
"Your absolutely right. I'm glad you're here. What's that?"
"Oh, this? It's for you." Kelly passed it over. I took it with a delighted smile.
"Thank you. Should I open it now?"
"Later, it's just a little something so you don't forget me."
"I could never forget you and besides, I'm going to call you as soon as we're settled in the new house."
"I know. It's…"
"I'm going so far away. Email me."
"I will."
"Jenny? Jenny?" I heard my mother's voice call out from the house.
"I've got to go."
Tears welled up in Kelly's eyes. I shook my head and leaned down pulling Kelly into a tight hug holding her with close with both arms. I couldn't help myself; I took a deep inhale of Kelly and squeezed her a little tighter before releasing her.
"I'll see you later."
"I'll talk to you very soon Jennifer," Kelly said with a determined tone as she wiped her tears away.
I smiled and waved then stepped back inside. A little later I got the chance to open the gift bag, Kelly had given me a framed photo of herself in one of her bright multicolored outfits with two ribbons in her hands as if in the middle of a dance routine. I loved it.