A/N: Something set in Season 8 sort of based off an idea I had for 8x14, but it's not a theory at all or what I think will happen. Just something that had crossed my mind and connected to Taylor Swift because why not. I hope you like it :)
But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss / I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs / The smell of smoke would hang around this long / 'Cause I knew everything when I was young / I knew I'd curse you for the longest time
The air was stiff in the car.
It was nothing like the night before when all Hailey could feel and experience was Jay. His hands were in her hair and along her thighs while his lips reminded her that she was loved.
She desperately tried to hold onto that feeling as Jay drove her back to her apartment.
Saying he was pissed right now was an understatement. She had essentially undermined him while on the job and pulled the plug on his undercover operation.
The last time she'd done something like this, she'd broken up with Adam.
Sure, her relationship with Jay was incredibly different and deeper, but break-ups still sucked and it hurt to break-up with Adam.
She couldn't shake the fear from the back of her mind that it was going to happen again, and because her relationship this time was so different, she just knew the break-up would hurt 10x worse. She truly loved Jay and when she truly loved something...that's when it always seemed to slip through her fingertips.
She couldn't find it in her to regret her decision, though. She would choose him and his life over her own every single day. He would do the same for her. He had to have understood what she did.
To her shock, Jay actually parked his truck outside her apartment and stepped out to follow her inside. He still wasn't talking, but he held the entrance door for her, he pressed the elevator button, and he used his key to open her apartment for her.
"I'm gonna shower," he said quietly while slipping his jacket off once inside.
Hailey nodded and stared as he entered her office to place his gun and badge in her safe before going into the bathroom. She heard the lock click and closed her eyes.
So he was staying the night, but he needed his space for the moment. It was promising.
Hailey let out a breath and allowed herself to relax. She could deal with needing a breather.
She slipped her shoes off and released the ponytail from her hair before heading into her room. She quickly undressed, but hesitated when deciding what to wear to sleep. Her hand dragged over Jay's hoodie she'd claimed as her own. If he was staying the night, perhaps wearing his clothes would be okay.
She nodded to herself and pulled the sweatshirt on then made her way to the bed and settled within the covers just as Jay entered her room.
He glanced toward her and held onto the towel around his waist while heading to her closet. She watched him pull a spare pair of boxers from one of her drawers and slip them on.
Hailey chewed her lip as she kept her eyes on him. Just the week before, they'd showered together at night after work. His fingers had been soft and gentle along her sides while his lips were anything but. She was just grateful Chicago still had a nip to the air so it was acceptable to wear a flannel buttoned up to cover the marks he'd left littered along her neckline. She enjoyed showering with him not just because of moments like that, but also because she loved the feeling of him washing her hair and the way his skin looked as she wiped the washcloth along his chest.
She wished they could go back to that night.
Instead of holding her close and whispering how much he loved her until she fell asleep, Jay turned off the lights before getting under the covers and turning his back to her.
Hailey sucked in a breath and pulled the hood over her hair. Like Jay, she flipped to her side and hugged the pillow to her. She squeezed her eyes shut as she silently begged their relationship to survive the night.
She had found him shot gasping for breath not once, but twice in their partnership. The first, she had cradled his head off the cement and tried calming him down by telling him he was okay as they waited for an ambulance. The second, she had pressed her hands to his chest where he was bleeding out and pleaded with him to focus on her until help arrived. Both times had absolutely wrecked her and gave her nightmares for months.
So she had no regrets that the second she noticed many of the men Jay was talking to alone were armed and had gone against his original agreement with them. Never did she ever again want to experience either of those moments.
She had thought he was dead and dying both times. She was not going to let that happen again.
"You don't have to protect me."
Hailey sat up at Jay's whisper.
He sensed her movement and rolled onto his back so the covers slipped off of him. "I mean it," he said, "Dating or not, you do not have to protect me. I make my own decisions. If they all had guns, it didn't matter. You saw what had happened to that family. It's my job to bring them justice."
Hailey set her jaw and her eyes slid down to glare at the damned scar on his chest she had once desperately tried to hold close.
Jay sat up, "I'm okay, Hailey. It was my call."
"And it was my call," Hailey said through clenched teeth, "To end it. It was not safe."
"Then that's my decision," Jay repeated.
Hailey's eyes flashed. She tried not to look back at his scar, but she couldn't help it. Her hand shot out and she lightly shoved him right in that pink circle staining his skin. "Pull your head out of your ass and stop being so damn proud."
Jay moved backwards just the slightest of inches, "Excuse me?"
Hailey pushed the covers off her bare legs and got out of bed. Marching out of the room, she said, "Bathroom. Now."
Jay stared after her for a moment then slowly followed her.
Hailey was standing in front of the bathroom sink with her arms crossed when Jay stepped onto the tile. She immediately grabbed his arm and had him face the mirror, "What do you see?"
Shocked, Jay looked down at her, "What're you talking about?"
Hailey angrily blinked back tears and pointed toward the mirror, "Look in that mirror and tell me what you notice about yourself."
"Um," Jay took a deep breath then faced the mirror still completely confused, "I...notice that my hair's still wet? I got a little soap in my eyes, so they're kinda pink I guess."
Hailey sighed and shook her head.
"I don't know what you're asking of me," Jay said, "Help me, please."
Hailey shakily grabbed his hand and held it over his scar.
He raised an eyebrow.
"Do you even see this?" Hailey asked cursing herself for the way her voice cracked.
"My scar?" Jay glanced back at himself in the mirror, "I...yeah, I guess."
"You guess?" Hailey repeated.
"I mean, it's there, yeah, but," Jay shrugged. He sucked in a breath and moved his hand to get a proper look at it in the mirror. His pointer finger lightly traced it then shot away as if it burned.
"I see it every damn day," Hailey said slowly, "I've seen it for well over a year now." She waited for Jay to meet her eyes to continue, "I see it when you're wearing a winter jacket. I see it when you change in the locker room. I see it when we're in that bed and you're making me forget my name." She took a second to compose herself then breathed, "I called that deal today because I cannot dare to see you bleeding out under my hands again. You are important to me. I love you. I love you. I do not ever want to beg for your life again. So yeah, I took the lead and ended that deal before you could because I refuse to let your heart get in the way of your life."
As she spoke, Jay felt his heart shatter. Her eyes grew teary and he knew his looked the same. When she finished talking, he lightly held her fingers, but as he stared at her and remembered that exact moment where he too was silently begging for his life because he wasn't ready to say goodbye to her just yet, his grip tightened and he found himself needing her pressed against him.
Hailey could tell instantly that he understood what she'd said. She stepped forward and hugged him tightly. She had no other response in that minute. She just needed to hold him and feel him breathe.
But he wasn't breathing. He was still in her arms and staring straight forward at the bathroom wall.
Hailey stepped back and slid her hand up to the side of his face, "Hey. Look at me."
"I'm sorry," Jay whispered absentmindedly. He blinked a few times then looked down at her, "I'm sorry."
"I know," Hailey nodded. She brushed her thumb along his jaw, "You're here now."
Jay swallowed, "And I'm not leaving you."
Hailey smiled slightly, "Good. I'm not leaving you either. You're stuck with me."
Jay chuckled and bent his head down to press a light kiss to her head before burying his face in her hair.
"I've got you," Hailey breathed and held onto him, "I'm not mad. I'm not disappointed. I'm just desperate to keep you alive. I need you, Jay, I need you here with me. Please."
He squeezed her and nodded in response.
Hailey rubbed her hands over his soft skin until he stepped back. She reached up on her tiptoes to kiss him lightly then slowly lowered herself until her eyes met that pink scar. She breathed in before touching her lips to it. It was brief and she almost didn't realize she did it, but she finally found it in herself to do it.
She hated that scar because of the day it nearly broke them both. However, she loved the man it was tattooed to which meant she also loved that scar. She loved the way his face had softened when he opened his eyes to see her after his surgery. She loved the time she'd spent with him as he recovered. She loved how it reminded her of his heart and his bravery and his strength.
It might cause her to be extra aware of his surroundings and what exactly he was walking in to because, really, how many lives did he have? But he was a good man, she trusted him, so she needed to believe that he would make the best decisions to keep them together in the end.