Chapter One

Isabella Volturi Cigno

On sunny days I go out walking

I end up on a tree-lined street

I look up at the gaps of sunlight

I miss you more than anything

Francis Forever - Mitski

When you've lived for many millennia, it gets harder to one up yourself. The thousands of years blend together in an unremarkable blur, like prison loaf, or pink slime nuggets. Yet I was not one to be deterred. Everyday was a new opportunity to set a record low and crater more deeply past rock bottom.

I laid awake in a broken heap on the bathroom floor of a dingy public washroom stall. The tiles were grimy and caked with brown grout. I stared up at the styrofoam ceiling tiles and counted each fleck. My brain was running a mile a minute, I could barely feel my face. Gods knew what Dimitri had given me, definitely something stimulating. I hadn't given the crushed up tablets much thought before snorting a line of them up my nose.

Distantly the thumping baseline of a song rumbled the walls, and boomed loudly beyond the confines of the bathroom. It was a seventies throwback night at the club, and the DJ had an affinity for saccharine Swedish Disco, he played ABBA on a loop.

I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up my throat when the chorus swelled up. The lyrics were too fitting to bear.

"Yes, I've been broken-hearted, blue since the day we've parted, why why, did I ever let you go?" I mumbled along deliriously.

I was so distracted that I didn't notice the footsteps, or sense her approach until she was already hovering over me, casting a dark, crooked shadow. I groaned and turned onto my stomach. The frosty tiles felt warm against my cold face. A chunky black boot with thick soles collided with my side and knocked the wind out of me. I hissed and rose to a crouch, baring my teeth at the attacker.

Jane's wide scarlet eyes glared down at me. Her arms were crossed and a smug little smirk graced her porcelain face. Jane wouldn't be caught dead without her platform boots. She liked the extra height they gave her, but even with them on she was only an inch or two over five feet.

As for the rest of her ensemble—let's just say Jane had never made it out of the nineteenth century. She wore a ruffled black dress trimmed with frilly white lace. Her white-blonde hair was plaited on each side and pulled back into an updo, giving her the appearance of a haunted Victorian doll. A ruby encrusted brooch with the Volturi crest fastened her dark grey robes. At one point Jane had even worn a matching ring, but she'd lost it a few years ago.

"You heinous fucking bitch." I growled at her.

She smiled reflexively at me, even after all these years, Jane never stopped 'checking' to see if her powers had managed to find some crack in my shield.

"Aro wants to see you now."

I stiffened, "What like, now-now or...?"

"Are you fit to stand? I haven't got all day. Whatever! If you can't stand, Felix's outside, he can carry you."

The last time I'd accepted assistance from Felix he'd hoisted me over his shoulder like a caveman, and copped a feel. "Ew, no."

Jane rolled her eyes at me as I struggled to get up. "Anytime this century would be nice Isabella."

"You could give me a hand you know."

She tilted her head at me and leaned up against the sink. "No, this is more fun."

I was a bit gone to be honest, it was like my brain and body were disconnected, all of my movements were as delayed as dial up internet. I groaned and gripped the bars on each side of the handicap stall, pulling myself up onto my feet.

"Serves you right anyway. Let this be a lesson to you, don't do drugs."

"Okay D.A.R.E."

I rinsed my hands in the sink, and reached for the soap dispenser, but it was empty. Sighing, I splashed water on my face. I reached for the paper towel dispenser, but it was empty too. I lifted up the hem of my t-shirt and dried my face. I watched Jane avert her eyes from my exposed stomach in the mirror. Glancing at my reflection I considered that maybe Jane had a point about not doing drugs and laying on dirty public bathroom floors. I looked like actual garbage next to her. I think the humans would call this look, 'hobo-chic.' I wore a stained oversized t-shirt, cycling shorts, a baseball cap, star-shaped children's sunglasses, a neon faux fur vest, Velcro sneakers and a baseball cap. It was a wonder the bouncer had let me in at all.

I think even worse than my sad excuse for an outfit was my face. My eyes were sunken, black, lifeless pools, like the bottom of the Dead Sea. The pupils were dilated to all hell, and the whites were rimmed with red. The shadows beneath my eyes were purplish, like I'd been punched in both eyes. My cheeks had even hollowed out some.

Jane threw a wine-colored, plastic pouch at the back of my head. I caught it effortlessly. It was still warm to the touch—fresh. I glanced down at the label, B positive.

"No, I'm on a diet." I stared at the bag of blood, the venom pooling in my mouth. It smelled so good, like a bakery, with loaves, cakes, and cinnamon buns baking in the oven.

"You need to feed."

"We can make a stop at the butchers," I protested. "They have pigs blood, old man Maurice likes me, he just thinks I'm really fond of black pudding."

"That ship has sailed. Can't have you making any slip ups and exposing our kind."

"No we can't have that, can we?" I said laughing darkly, and sunk my teeth into the plastic like a heathen.

Jane wrinkled her nose in distaste. I discarded the empty bag in the trash and she shot me a look.

"Oh please, the human janitor's not going to think anything of it. There are literally tiny liquor bottles, bloody needles, and used condoms in the tampon compartment.

Jane throws a velvet robe and hits me square in the face with it. "Opps," she said remorselessly.

"Contrite doesn't suit you."

The cloak is about the same shade as hers, dark, nearly but not quite black. The black robes were reserved for the founders. I was one of the 'lucky' few to be ranked slightly below them, a member of the guard—but a coveted one.

Jane and I walked next to each other at a slow pace, so as not to alarm the humans. The song had changed to another disco tune.

"You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die? Oh no not I! I will survive."

At the center of the dance floor was a rotating disco ball. On the side of the room was a DJ spinning records on a turntable. Along the ceiling were several colorful lights, flickering to the beat of the music. The humans congregated on the dance floor grinded up on each other, or danced in little groups, with their limbs flailing gracelessly about.

In the alleyway outside the club, there stood Felix, waiting for us. He was leaning his back against the wall. He tapped his foot impatiently, and fidgeted constantly as if he could not keep still. Between his teeth was an unlit cigarette. Felix wasn't a smoker, but if any human wondered what he was doing there, he had an excuse ready to go.

"Finally!" He complained. "What took you so long?"

"Isabella's strung out on God knows what."

Felix snorted, "What is it this time?"

"I'm right here. Don't talk about me like I can't hear you." I complained.

"Who cares," Jane replied, ignoring me. "Just carry her, we don't have time to waste. Aro wants to see her."

"I did not agree to that—"

Felix slung me over his shoulders, against my wishes I might add. I kicked him in the chest, and pounded my fists against his well muscled back. He kept a tight grip on me that no amount of fighting would get me out of. I stopped bothering and slackened in his arms.

"Nice kitty." He whispered in my ear like I was a misbehaving cat. I dug my nails into his arm. He hissed and slapped my hand away.

As the cobblestone streets became increasingly familiar, I felt an uneasiness stir in the pit of my stomach.

"Did Aro say what he wanted to talk to me about?"

"No, but he sounded really serious." I couldn't see her face from my vantage point but I could hear the smile in her voice. "I wonder what you did to make him so mad."

Felix laughed, "You're not sleeping with another human, are you?"

I'd slept around with a few humans in the past, but that wasn't what he was really asking. The Volturi didn't really care if we played with our food—so to speak. That sort of human interaction was rare, but not unheard of or banned. The Denali's seemed awfully fond of human men, after all. No what I'd done had been far worse in the big three's eyes. I'd fallen in love with one.

"Because if you need any help getting your rocks off, I'm more than willing to oblige."

Felix's hand slid up my upper thigh, and I smacked it away. He was lucky I hadn't ripped it off and thrown it down a sewer grate like last time.

"Everyday since you were turned has been a mistake." I lamented.

"Funny that, you were singing a different tune that night in Cairo."

"And you haven't shut up about it in the centuries since."

We came in through the back of the building, and maneuvered through a labyrinth-like system of tunnels. In the lobby was Gianna, seated at the front desk. She was fast asleep with her face on a fat stack of Manila filing folders. She jerked up at the sound of our entrance and stood up from her office chair, smoothing down her pencil skirt hastily. She inclined her head at each of us.

"Good evening Jane, Felix, and Isabella."

"Oh wow nine thousand, three hundred, thirty one, you're still here?"

"It's Gianna," she corrected between gritted teeth.

"My bad Giovanna, it's hard keeping track of all of you receptionists."

Nine thousand three hundred and thirty one was going to be replaced soon. I'd heard Aro complaining about her typos and poor penmanship. It was only a matter of time before someone made a snack of her, poor thing.

"Gianna," she repeated. Under her breath, but loud and clear to our ears she whispered, "For the thousandth freaking time." She dialed a number on the corded phone. "She's back," Gianna hung up the phone. "Aro's in his study."

"Keep up the good work Giorno." I replied cheekily.

She took a deep breath and gripped the side of her desk, like she was trying to hold herself back. It was almost comical, imagining her weak human fists collide against my marble flesh.

"Thank you Isabella, but I think it's time for me to head out."

"Good thinking! You should get some rest outside of company time. Take care nine thousand three hundred and thirty one!"

Felix ascended the staircase with me in tow, Jane followed, the little witch was probably dying to hear Aro chew me out for whatever stupid infraction I'd committed.

Felix knocked three times. The heavy oak door swung on its hinges to reveal Renata. Ever since she was turned she's never been far from Aro's side. She was not a large or imposing woman, but her physical shield was capable of protecting him from nearly any sort of assault.

The man was paranoid, and for good reason if I was being honest. Given the chance I'd rip Aro up into bite size pieces and burn him over a millennia, relishing his suffering. Or maybe I'd flush his bits down toilets all around the world and laugh at the thought of him existing in eternal undead agony.

Felix plopped me down onto Aro's coffee colored couch. I propped my feet up on the seat, and watched Aro wince as my street shoes caked with grime, rubbed up against the expensive Italian leather.

"Leave us." Aro ordered, gesturing to Felix and Jane. The latter looked half like she wanted to argue with him but thought better of it. "Renata, wait outside the door."

"Are you certain?" Renata asked.

"There's no need to fret, it's just little ol' me."

"Isabella is practically my daughter. She's harmless."

At her skeptical look he sighed and shook his head like a fond, but scolding father-figure. "Her bark is worse than her bite."

I grimaced and waved mockingly at Renata as she reluctantly left the solar to stand at the door.

"Isabella, Whatever am I going to do with you?"

I wiped my nose, hopefully nothing white was visible.

"Your evening festivities have gotten well out of hand. Now far be it from me to dictate what my guard does on their own time, but your behavior reflects back on me." He stared meaningfully at the sad state of my clothes.

"Wouldn't be the first time you messed with our private lives."

"How many times must we have this argument Bella? What happened to Edward was unfortunate, all death is, but you know that I had nothing to do with his untimely demise."

"I'm not so sure."

Aro rolled his eyes, as if he were so far above this 'petty' line of questioning.

"Now tell me, why would I do such a thing? Yes you'd broken our laws, but I'm a forgiving man. I waited for you to change him, and I gave you two my blessing."

"So the fact that I was going to leave this wretched fucking place and live my life with him—you're telling me that didn't get under your skin?"

"I won't lie to you Bella, it would have been a great loss, I've always been a champion of your talents. But I had no intention to keep you shackled to a life that makes you miserable."

"Hmmm, is that so?"

"Eleazor and Kate left. And despite my fondness of Carlisle, I never coerced him into joining my guard. All those who wish to leave are free to do so."

"So Marcus and Chelsea are what, just here for decoration?"

"You can hardly blame a man for using what tools he has at his disposal." Aro was amused, "Besides dear girl, nothing keeps you tethered to us. Marcus and Chelsea have said as much."

"It's just a shame what happened to Didyme. Marcus and Chelsea can keep the rest of them from leaving by keeping everyone bonded together, but they can't make them feel happy about it. That was all Didyme."

Aro bowed his head as if in sadness, "There is not a day that passes that I don't mourn the loss of my sister. Damn those children of the moon."

"Well you got the last laugh. All the werewolves are dead."

"Still, no amount of death can bring her back."

"True. But I think it helps don't you?" I threw my head back and laughed, the words slipping out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about it. "Honestly I have to hand it to you Aro. You are cold blooded, through and through. How you managed that little trick twice is far beyond me."

"What do you mean?"

I stood up from the couch and shook my head, "Nothing, I don't know what I'm saying. I need some time to sober up."

"I think you know exactly what you're trying to say. Relax Isabella, take a seat. I'm not upset."

I sat down again, glanced at the door and wondered if I'd be able to escape, or if Renata would block the entrance.

"Are you going to kill me Aro, now that I know the truth about Didyme?"

He scoffed, "I'm not going to humor your conspiracies with a response. I loved my sister."

"Is it a conspiracy when you have proof?"

He laughed. "What? Your little informant? Is that what this is all about?"

"You know...?"

"Nothing escapes my notice Bella, or have you forgotten what I am capable of?" He tapped his forehead with a smug little smile.

"Wait. Hold on a minute! So...you knew, that I knew, that you killed your own sister, and blamed it on someone else." And did the same thing to Edward.

"That is correct."

"I don't understand. Why haven't you killed me or had me killed? If I tell Sulpicia, Caius, Athenadora or Marcus, then there's no going back from that. They'll kill you. They loved Didyme, we all did."

"Hold out your hand Bella." Aro ordered. I didn't move an inch.

"I'm not letting you read my mind."

Aro looked frustrated, he walked back to his desk and sat in it, with his head between his hands. Then it all began to make sense.

"You don't know who the informant is—you were waiting for me to lead you to them."

Out of nowhere Aro bit into his arm and ripped it off by his teeth. "Renata," Aro yelled.

The woman burst in immediately, and grabbed me by the wrists.

"Bella has committed treason of the highest order. She's made an attempt on my life."

"Not yet I haven't!"

I wrenched myself out of her grip and reached for my lighter. She smacked it out of my hands and pushed me away with her shield. I crashed backwards against the bookshelves, the wood crumbled from the force of the blow. The top half of it came crashing down on me. I threw the broken wood across the room and at her.

I fled the room and jumped down the staircase, landing in a crouched position at the foot of the stairs. Renata screamed from the top of her lungs, only a few paces behind me.

"Stop her! She's getting away!"

I sprinted to the nearest window and jumped through it, the glass shattered. I tucked and rolled, this time not landing quite so neatly. I got back on my feet and ran as fast as I could. All around me the world was a blur. I could sense her behind me but I didn't dare turn around to look. I couldn't afford to slow down for even a second. Suddenly I felt a splash of slippery, oily liquid cover me. The fumes were overwhelmingly foul and harsh, I gagged. It was kerosene. I held my breath and kept running, but the kerosene was slippery, I slipped and tumbled downward. Renata held out her hands and trapped me in a large sphere, her force field was transparent for the most part, but there was a slight blue hue that surrounded me. I pounded against it with my fists but to no avail.

I shrieked, and cursed, banging harder against the force field. Renata stared at me with visible boredom, both of her hands extended in my direction.

"What are you waiting for, bitch?!" I screamed. "Just get it over with."

"Don't mind me, Just enjoying the show."

Renata was an efficient, blunt instrument. She didn't play with her food. She did her job, nothing more and nothing less. I glanced at her hands and laughed.

"Wow Renata, so even now you need both hands to keep your shield up? That's pathetic."

Renata raised her hands up and lifted me high in the air before throwing me to the ground and re-encasing me in her bubble. I groaned in pain and rolled over, lying on the ground.

"Yeah... I'm the pathetic one."

"At least I don't need to use my hands to cast a shield."

"Big talk for the woman who's about to die."

I stared down at my hands, words failing me. Was today going to be my last? If I'd known that I was going to die today, I would have done so many things differently.

"Oh so now you have nothing to say? That's a first!"

"I knew you hated me, but I never knew it was this much."

"You broke the law. This has nothing to do with our differences."

"No, I think it's personal, at least a little. If anyone else in the guard had done what I had, I don't think you'd have gone to these lengths to capture them."

"That's nonsense!"

"Is it? You're his shield Ren. It's your job to defend him , not chase after me. You're supposed to stay by his side, no matter what. Aro's your number one priority always, yet here you are!"

"You were getting away."

"Admit it! You've always hated me. But I don't get it why? Do you think that Aro favors me too much, is that it? Aro is a fucking pit. He takes and takes from you until there's nothing left for you to give. He's a parasite—"

"Shut up Bella! All your life Aro's let you get away with everything. He humored you, with that silly human, and how do you repay him? All your life there's been one set of rules for you, and another for the rest of us. I don't care what Aro thinks about me, I know my worth. What I do care about is you constantly, CONSTANTLY breaking our rules and getting away with it. All your life you've never had real consequences for your actions. Because you're one of his favorites, the prodigal daughter. He knew how much you wanted to commit treason, and yet he did everything he could to put off killing you. Why? What's so special about you?"

"That's bullshit and you know it! Everybody knows it! Aro killed Edward! He can lie up and down and say it wasn't him but I know it was his doing!"

"You got off easy! He gave you and your mate a chance, and you spat in his face."

"We wanted to leave!"

"You should have known better. You knew what he was like, you knew he wouldn't take it well. If you want to blame someone, you ought to start with yourself.

It was stupid, I'd been dead for a longtime, I'd lost the will to continue decades ago. Yet now, faced with my own death, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of regret. I wasn't ready to go. Not now, not like this. I paced the small space within the bubble, my hands shaking. I don't know why, but in that moment I remembered a conversation I'd had with Carlisle, many years ago.

"Carlisle, what do you think happens after we die?"

"I don't know. I'd like to think there's a higher power, a force greater than you and I. I'd like to think something better waits for us on the other side."

"Do you think when I die I'll see Edward?"

Carlisle sighed, "I think so. Seeing the world around me it's hard to believe that our world was created by accident. Don't you think someone must have designed it? I feel it sometimes when I see a sunset or when I heard Edward play the piano—it was like I was seeing some small glimpse of his hand, in every beautiful thing."

"Edward was one of the best people I've ever known, and now he's dead. Why does God let good people die? There are famines, wars, all that shit, while evil people—run countries, exploit the poor, kill innocents, and what God just lets that happen? Fuck him I want nothing to do with him. If he exists he doesn't care. Our world only makes sense if he doesn't exist. I'm not sure what's worse, an omnipotent, all powerful God who does nothing—or nothing, the void. I don't know what I believe anymore Carlisle. Sometimes I think we tell ourselves comforting little lies to get through our lives. I think that we tell ourselves that there is an after because it's easier, thinking our loved ones are still around. I think when we die that's it—we die and it's nothing."

"Bella I work in a hospital. You don't think I know that good people die everyday? Death is an unavoidable fact of life, and when it's our time to go, it's our time."

"Sometimes I think it's the nothing that I want. I'm so tired Carlisle—I just want to stop existing. I want to stop thinking, stop being—it's so painful living without him. I feel like a part of me is gone. I miss him, it almost doesn't feel real—he's gone and I'm here. Alone."

"Bella, you're not alone. I love you like a daughter, you're my family. Please don't do anything stupid."

"Don't worry about me."

"Promise me, that when the time comes, you'll fight like hell. Don't go quietly into the good night. I'm serious Bella, I need you to promise me that you will choose life."

"I'm not going to kill myself Carlisle."

He paused for a moment, considering, staring at the grande piano in the corner of the room, before speaking once more.

"Even if there's nothing—I think we carry the memory of the ones that we love, and they live on through us."

"That's a nice thought, I suppose."

The ones responsible for Edward's death were still drawing breath, and here I was feeling sorry for myself, waiting for death, like a coward. Carlisle had been right to worry after all. I had all but given up on life. I'd spent years numbing the pain with drugs, booze, and all manner of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Edward deserved better. If I died, who would avenge him?

I breathed deeply and waited. After what felt like hours, reinforcements finally came. Two cloaked figures emerged over the horizon, Demetri and Felix.

"A shame it had to end this way Bella," Felix said, hesitating before striking a match. "You were an amazing lay, with a killer rack. You will be missed."

"Okay there went my will to live."

Felix grinned, as if I'd cracked a joke. "That's the spirit." He paused for a moment, his hand stilling slightly. "I'm sorry Bella—I, I'm not doing this because I want to alright?"

Renata grew irritated, "I'm not waiting here all day for you to say your goodbyes!"

She snatched the matchbox from him with one hand, and hastily tried to strike a match. A small but noticeable hole materialized in her bubble. I struck at it and tried to squeeze out, but in vain. Renata threw the lit match inside and the whole floor of the bubble burst into flames. I shrieked and jumped upwards, trying to avoid the fire.

"Help me!" I screamed.

Felix winced and looked away. Demetri stared down at his shoes, ashamed. With 'friends' like mine, who needs enemies?

All at once the bubble went away. I glanced at Renata and saw her writhing on the ground, shrieking in pain, facedown in the dirt. I didn't have time to waste wondering who had saved me from certain death. I ran away as fast as I could, behind me the flames began to spread quickly, the path after me blocked. No one dared to follow me. After a few miles I began to breathe a little easier. I was going to live another day.

Notes:

1. Bella is quite a bit out of character, which is by design. She's been alive for a long time and lived through very different circumstances than canon Bella (which we will explore throughout the story), this is my interpretation of how she might have evolved over the millennia. At this point she's nihilistic, but in technicolor, if that makes sense. Like depressed but make it fashion. We will see in later chapters the circumstances that have shaped her world view.

2. Also in case you are curious about timelines, Bella was changed before most of the guard, during the later stages of the Roman Empire. So she's extremely ancient. The rest of the timeline is mostly the same, Edward was in Chicago ca early 1900's.

3. Cigno is the Italian word for swan, I thought it would be funny and fitting if her name was just the translated version of her canon last name. I imagine the Cignos coming to America through Ellis Island and Anglicizing their name—which was pretty customary for new immigrants.