AN: cw: a lot of talk about death and being close to it.
medicine cats are called seers, and there are some family words - you should be OK to read without them, but explanations are in my profile.
(There are four of them. This is as high as Poppykit can count.
One. Cinderkit, who smells sweet and who clambers over Poppykit; two,
Honeykit, who giggles and who bats with her paws; three,
Molekit who sleeps at the bottom and wants to see the forest; four
Poppykit.)
Leafpool smells bitter. Poppykit tries to untangle the smell, tries to find how it clings to her, but she can't.
It's just there.
There are four of them; more names than can be easily chanted, and yet, Poppypaw can pick hers out of the din.
Her siblings take off: Cinderpaw and Molepaw race to be the first to leave camp, Honeypaw flirts with Berrypaw and Poppypaw?
Can count higher than four now.
(But her lesson isn't in counting, the arithmetic is not what fails her; it's the
Waiting, the watching, the following.)
Thornclaw takes her with her siblings, and Poppypaw tastes the air and smells cold snow, the wind, she smells prey, sweet and bloody, and she—
Well, that's the thing, isn't it? There's four of them, too many for all of them to be good at something.
And Honeypaw is a good hunter, Cinderpaw climbs trees, and Molepaw proves himself a fighter, and Poppypaw, well, she's still there,
just,
out of sight.
(There aren't four of them to count anymore, it goes; one,
Cinderpaw, who has a quiet depth to her, who seems unconcerned with the world and yet, weighed by some deep affliction; two,
Honeypaw, who still laughs, and it's a beautiful sound, Poppypaw aches not to hear it; three,
Poppypaw, who tastes bitter herbs on her tongue and wonders if her sisters will still count to three in the morning.)
No seim nor maara, the saying goes.
Seim is an old word, means blood-kin.
Hollypaw says it fell out of favor when, well, when it stopped being true.
Seers don't really have maara, (you can't be a denmate with someone you don't have a den with), but they have maach, and that's almost as good, and,
Poppypaw is in their den for a long time.
and she knows the truth of it for a moment; she tastes it on her tongue, the way things seem slow and sweet,
honey, her sister, like she is swallowed by it, time moves strangely; poppies are for sleeping: that is what they give her mother;
honey and poppy, she drinks down her daughters like they can freeze time, but they can't;
it just drips; down and down and she tastes an old scent one like family and familiar and she thinks she'll follow it,
the water doesn't seem so scary anymore;
she loses her way (and she'll come to think,
it wasn't such a bad thing — that's her name
"Poppypaw!"
She knows his voice, hears it every morning, and she turns to him, staring at the trees because it's beautiful (he's beautiful) and Thornclaw has been holding out on her.
"I've never been to this part of the forest before," she says. He's staring at her (she'll think of this later, think of how he almost drinks in the sight of her), and she closes her eyes. "It doesn't smell like home," she says (and that can't be right, can it? not when she feels so much like they belong here). "Do you know where we are?"
"Yes," he says, and it's so quiet she strains to hear (he's not the only one calling her name,
poppy, means sleep, dreams, means letting go) but he's there, in front of her, talking to her.
"It's strange," she says, "whatever herbs you gave me must have worked, because I don't feel sick anymore."
She doesn't, her eyes aren't glassy and her limbs move freely, she hadn't realized how still she had been (poppy, they're calling her, desprately,
she should find them, she should, she should go where she's needed,
she's not that alone, and jay is here, it can't be so bad,
not with him, she'll take him, maybe
to find who's calling her — he follows;
good, she'll bring them both,
it's getting to her, it's getting warm and sweet and her sister
honey, her sister
cinder, her kin are here, she can find him: she didn't realize she was looking,
but he's here, isn't he? calling for her, so she'll just go)
Jaypaw's pelt brushes beside her, it's warm, definite, she keeps gazing in wonder.
(poppy, for dreams, the moment before sleep when things are hazy and effortless)
"The trees are so tall and leafy," she says she doesn't want him to miss this, "and the undergrowth is thicker than anything."
(jay is a bird; it can see clearly, she can't follow this thread, it's not pulling strong enough, something is moving, poppy, it says)
"Can you smell all the scents of prey? It's like greenleaf here!"
(she doesn't stop to hunt — he was going to be the best hunter — is that him? is he calling her, poppy,
if it is, she'll follow, she won't leave him alone:
her sisters have each other, and she won't let him be alone — she can't,
and if someone follows her, the more, the better,
it's warm here, nice
smells sweet, like
honey)
"We've got to go back!" Jaypaw says. She stares at him, open mouthed.
"But it's so beautiful!" how could he want to leave? (poppy)
"You shouldn't be here!" like what like? he should or how would he know, anyway,
if he hasn't been here before
(poppy)
her name is heavy on the tongue, like her mother, she thinks, her mother is heavy she drank down poppy and honey,
didn't she?
and the trees stop, but Jaypaw doesn't. "Stop!" she calls because he won't fall, not when she's looking out for him (poppy, we're right here). "There's a drop in front of us."
She sees, shining
moonlight, all gathered, like rainwater, it shines
at her and there they are, calling her, poppy — her name is heavy on the tongue; means
sleep and dreams and other things, the slowing of it, like her sister
honey, the sweet and the slowing down, warm and precious, like her sister,
cinder, the aftermath of a fire, warm, she's never seen it but she knows her sister knows how she is, like her brother,
and he's here? isn't he she can see him she just needs to go she could make it if she tried, but
her brother, he's
dead, so she
is dying, then, and it's funny, she always thought
it would hurt, but this doesn't, it's warm, and she's said her goodbyes, hasn't she? (she can't remember
her mother's last words,
her sisters last laughs',
but she wouldn't just
leave, that's not who she is,
she wouldn't leave them alone like that) she'll just keep going but—
she's not alone, Jaypaw is still there, and he's alive, she can feel it.
"There's a pool at the bottom. There are cats all around it..."
She wants him to know what it is, wants him to be able to find it (find her),
she didn't think dying would be accompanied by someone, but if it had to be someone,
he's not a bad choice, all in all, but she needs (poppy, warm and heavy and sweet) to know to let go of the last bit of fear, the way he stands and is warm,
"It's StarClan, isn't it? Does that mean I'm dead?" the words are different out loud, more fearful, and maybe that makes sense,
he doesn't answer, he opens his mouth, he breathes, is he looking for her scent?
maybe, but still, she needs him to let her go, "Am I dead?"
for a moment, she thinks, he's going to reach out for her, and maybe that will be enough (poppy) she doesn't know what she's waiting for (poppy, i'm right here)
"Not yet." It's a new voice, and Poppypaw can't place it, can't find a scent or a name.
Poppypaw stares, because Jaypaw knows her, and Poppypaw doesn't. Maybe it's because Jaypaw is a seer. Maybe it's his job to know things.
She presses words to Jaypaw's ears, things Poppypaw can't hear (poppy i'm alone, come to me) she doesn't try to listen but still Jaypaw followed her here, and maybe
Maybe it is his job to follow, but she needs an answer (poppy i miss you) and she needs to know, she won't leave him alone (poppy he's not alone anymore) she won't but still she's ready, just waiting,
Jaypaw says mother and (does she remember me?)
her mother drank down honey and poppy and she left? or did she stay, that part is faded and erased and,
"Who are you?" she says her voice is so soft, she has to struggle (please) "Have you come to guide me to StarClan?" (i'm here)
"No!" Jaypaw growls, and he wheels, turning towards the newcomer, his pelt puffed out, he is trying (poppy warm and heavy) she fights, he is fighting, "She's coming back with me," he says, and to her, gentler, "Come back to the Clan with me, Poppypaw. I'll take you home."
he's not the only one to make that offer but she doesn't hear what everyone else is saying
(poppy) "Little one," (i'm here, i'll always be with you) "there is a place for you here," (i'll see you again)
she touches her muzzle to Jaypaw's shoulder and he nods, he sets his shoulders, she follows, his tail on her back—
She's seen Hollypaw do that for him, Poppypaw closes her eyes, because somehow everything is louder when they're open, she follows him by his touch and his scent,
he smells like the forest, he does not carry the same bitter scent as Leafpool,
so maybe, it's not the herbs,
or maybe she smells something past it on him,
there is light, real light, not starshine, and Poppypaw wakes, and Jaypaw is still beside her, breathing.
He's awake, but his tail curves over his nose, and she needs to tell him, because he was there, "I had the strangest dream," she says, and her chest is so heavy, but she's not tired any more,
he says something and she hears it but she doesn't really, because
he smells the same now, and that keeps her awake, and
Sorreltail and Brackenfur are on her, whispering thanks, and Leafpool feeds her something —
this one isn't bitter —
and Poppypaw sleeps again, but this time, she knows what she is listening for, and Jaypaw is still there when she wakes up.
(So there still three, and that's good,
because the counting, that following of the rules, is not Poppypaw's strong suit.)
Honeypaw and Berrypaw are spending time together. She's moved nests, curling with her tail touching his.
Poppypaw and Cinderpaw don't tease her to her face.
"She'd look too sad about it," Poppypaw says.
"Yeah," Cinderpaw says. "But she's obsessed, right?"
They used to make jokes about how silly young love was, and how foolish Honeypaw was,
but that's getting harder to do, when Honeypaw is moving away from them, and they know they won't get her back.
"I mean we will," Cinderpaw says.
"But she won't be the same," Poppypaw finishes.
(she won't be our honeypaw.)
She watches her sister fall, and Cinderpaw wails, and Jaypaw sets his jaw, determined to help her.
Poppypaw visits her every day, and Cinderpaw is cheerful, as cheerful as can be expected, but she doesn't feel at home here, she doesn't smell beneath the bitter, and Poppypaw?
(maybe she's a little happy about that)
Jaypaw walks back, drenched, and Poppypaw shrieks when he shakes on her, swearing not to be around him if he goes swimming again, but she is, she always is,
Her sister needs her (at least a little bit)
and more importantly,
Jaypaw laughs so rarely, and she likes to be there when it happens.
Poppyfrost is a good name and there are only two of them, Cinderpaw still waiting.
But that's not really it; because she's alone again. Honeyfern has chosen Berrynose, and Poppyfrost doesn't blame her sister, but their maara is disintegrating like dirt in water, with Cinderpaw in the seers' den (where Poppypaw used to sleep), and Lionpaw and Hollypaw still in the apprentices' den, and Jaypaw, well
no seim nor maara, they used to say.
But it doesn't really apply anymore.
(They don't get to stay three, they are, one;
Cinderheart, who's rattled and unsure, who she doesn't know how to talk to anymore and; two,
Poppyfrost, who sinks claws into the earth when her sister's body cools and he turns to her like he wasn't just grieving but then;
They've been like this for a while, now.)
If Poppyfrost collects herbs with Jayfeather more than usual,
(Leafpool and Sorreltail were always close, it goes like this, sometimes;
It is hard to be alone, and even seers need friends and Poppyfrost? she can be a friend)
it is in part because he's never said it, but she knows he saved her.
She thinks about Honeyfern, and it's selfish, she knows
how easy it is to follow the call of your name,
but she misses her, even if they had barely been maara by the end. It's hard not to miss someone who was always there,
she misses Honeyfern's laugh, the way she sounded like rain on ice,
she misses Honeyfern's scent, because it wasn't sweet anymore, but earthy, unrepeatable, and she misses
(selfishly)
Honeyfern.
Berrynose pushes on her and she doesn't want but she also does, Poppyfrost is tired of being alone and at least now she isn't, but
(honey, sweet and heavy and thick)
but it's not right, and they both know it, so
it's only a shattered union, and then Poppyfrost is alone again.
Jayfeather is there, and she eats outside his den. He's alone, too, now that Leafpool (what a story, whispered across camp, and Poppyfrost knows the whispers don't end with her, that Jayfeather carries them too) is gone.
She should give him space, lest his family develop a reputation, but,
Cinderheart is finding her own way, grapping with these things differently,
(that's how Brackenfur puts it, because Sorreltail is inconsolable and silent, and Poppyfrost doesn't know what to do)
so Poppyfrost eats outside Jayfeather's den, and he talks to her, and eventually,
he eats with her,
Poppyfrost is reminded of leaf-bare hunting lessons, of watching the piles of nuts for prey, but this? is different because Jayfeather still smells of warm and home, and he has saved her before.
so she owes him this much, really.
Berrynose is the sire (he says and she doesn't know if he's right but it's close enough and anyway, it doesn't matter, because) but she won't let him be the father; she doesn't love him like that, and even though he offers —
(even though he guesses at her uncertainty and doesn't rescind)
even Daisy defends her.
She controls this much, at least.
Poppyfrost didn't plan on being a mother, but she doesn't mind, not so much.
She's heard of queens having strange dreams but
(honey, sweet on the tongue and sticking to her fur)
not like this, and it's cold but she has heard the voices before she has been
where they're loudest, she'll go again,
she wants to know
(honey, like a dream or like a warm day when they are at peace)
if she can hear her again,
and this time she is the one doing the calling,
(honey, like joy or like relief)
and she goes to where she's been before, but the other side, the trees she knows, it still smells like home, like safety,
and she doesn't see who's waiting (honey, sugar, just before sleep and lull), but she's not looking for anyone but her sister,
she needs to know, and then,
Jayfeather is there, again, and again, he turns his back to her, to face danger, and she, well,
Poppyfrost is many things,
but a fool isn't one of them,
(honey, and she hears her name back, poppy, and she knows the truth, because she's always known it, it's just been sleeping, slowed by sugar and petty façade),
and she knows Jayfeather knows it.
"I need her to know," she says, "it wasn't supposed to be like this."
"Let's go home," he says, and she forgets the danger. "She'll know," and if he adds, "please stay with me," that's between her
and him
(and the moon and the stars, but they
can't be listening to words so small,
can they?)
she teaches her kits to count,
One, for Cherrykit, who looks just enough like her that she can see the resemblance, and;
Two, for Molekit, and she wonders if he knows, she loves him for who he is;
and that's as high as she goes.
(Three, for Poppyfrost, who might linger,
too long next to the seer, but it's not such a strange thing,
even seers need friends and four;
for Jayfeather, who might press his nose against her shoulder, but
it's not such a strange thing, because she can be his guide,
at least for a little while.)