The sound of an analog clock was the only thing echoing throughout the room.
It was dark and the curtains were pulled shut. The room was still, but filled with a negative air that wouldn't pass. That negative pressure in the room was caused directly because of the grief that Sana Futaba held.
She had seen Ai again. She had been fused with Ai. But Ai couldn't stay for long. Ai had to leave again. Sana got a taste of her beloved friend being with her again for only a moment. One moment in time that reminded her of all of those negative emotions that she had learned to lock away since she had began staying at Mikazuki Villa.
Sana had always struggled with depression and anxiety, but it had been stirred up quite a bit since she had been with Ai. It all came flooding back.
How could she tell the others how she felt? It was unfair to them to burden them with such a silly struggle. She wasn't in immediate danger — not any more immediate danger than normal. There was no real reason to speak up about all of this because nothing had changed. There was nothing anyone could do when it was all her fault for feeling this way in the first place.
Sana sucked in a breath as tears teased her eyes yet again. She didn't like feeling like this. It made her soul feel weak. It made her feel ashamed to her core that she was so upset over something that couldn't be changed.
And wasn't she simply being ungrateful? She had gotten to see Ai again. Despite her original belief that she would never see her more precious friend again, she was able to see her. She should have appreciated that opportunity instead of squandering it and feeling bad when it felt like it wasn't enough.
Sana ran her fingers through her jade hair as she pushed the duvet off of her body, pulling her heavy limbs out of bed. She hadn't gone to school, she hadn't even brushed her teeth or washed her face for the day. She had told Yachiyo and the others that she was feeling ill, but in reality she felt more crushed than ill.
She got onto her feet and let out a sigh. Every move felt too difficult at the moment — a side-effect she often suffered with when she was very emotionally distressed. It was like her self-hate and shame got so bad that her body began attacking itself and made her feel even worse.
Sana trudged her way out of her room, listening to the quiet of the house. During the middle of the day, most of the girls were gone. Sometimes the house was completely empty. She didn't know which of those was true at that moment, but she didn't mind if she ran into anyone. It would serve as a minor distraction from the weight on her shoulders.
Pushing herself to walk down the steps of the boarding house, Sana stared down as she took each stair slowly. She needed to at least pretend to get out of bed at some point. Her stomach did hurt from the amount of crying she had done this morning, so she wasn't planning on making herself lunch. Instead she was just going to make herself some floral noted tea and sit at the table. Getting herself out of bed alone should be enough to at least help a small bit.
Why was she so torn up over this?
Sana couldn't answer that question. She knew that she should be happy that Ai isn't completely gone forever. She should be happy that she got to see her again.
The invisible girl let out a small sigh and shook her head as she reached for her tea cup. She pulled the glass down from the cupboard, looking at it with fondness. She remembered when they all first got these mugs. They gave all of the girls a sense of unity that she treasured so dear to her heart. It was an important moment in her life.
The process of making tea was so mundane she didn't make a memory of it as she proceeded with each step. It was like being on auto pilot. Her mind was too busy filled with her anxieties, her self conscious banter, that she completely forgot what she was doing right after that step was completed.
Once she had the tea bag steeping in her ceramic mug, Sana made her way to her cushion at the coffee table in the living area. Her mind was too preoccupied with emotional trauma to really write in what she was doing.
Sana sat at the table with her mug, her small saucer with a small amount of sugar cubes, her teaspoon, and her honey pack. Her head hurt and any thoughts were difficult to muster. Even the most simple task planning thoughts were poor and ill timed as she tried to remember easy things like her at home assignments and tasks for the rest of the day.
Sana blindly stirred the steeping water as she tried to distract herself from her anxiety. She felt so useless that thinking back on the mishaps of the last few weeks had ruined her like this. How could she go witch hunt if she couldn't even process a simple task like this?
Tears began teasing her eyes as she remembered seeing Ai again for the first time. Remembering the comfort that came with being around the Rumour, remembering the way Ai had inadvertently taught her to trust again... it made the scars on Sana's heart hurt.
The petite magical girl felt herself get upset once again, tears making small trails down her face, her chest twisting and aching in agony as she tried to fight her own depression from crushing her alive again.
Sana stared at the wall by the front door as she cried, trying to remind herself of the good in her world. She had everyone to support her and remind her of the good in living. She had a roof over her head — and not simply a shelter, but a home. All of her roommates understood a good portion of her struggles, since they had gone through similar after contracting with Kyuubey.
Yet that seemed to not be enough to calm the anxiety that rested in her chest that day. Sana took in a sharp breath as she lowered her head to rest atop the table in front of her. She thought of the way her parents would speak to her, the way her step-brother would look at her back before she made her wish.
Yes, her report card wasn't perfect. She made average marks in her classes, not failing but not excelling at the subjects she was taught. She had studied and studied and studied after her mother remarried. Her new brother seemed to be perfect in every class he attempted, constantly bringing home perfect marks without any obvious studying. Sana couldn't compete. Even staying up every night to study and study and study, her grades only became above average, but never extraordinary. She couldn't please her new father. She couldn't please her own mother.
Remembering her parental figures request she pretend she was invisible was the most pain she could self inflict. Scars on her arms and legs from self injury, scars embedded in her skin from fights with witches, any scar she has ever attained from a physical wound... none could compare to the weight of the scars she bared mentally. Any event that scarred her mentally bore more weight than that of anything she could achieve physically.
Sana could feel her breathing become more ragged as she grew more emotionally distressed. Tears wet her checks and her hands shook too much to even remove the tea bag from her cup. How did the other Mikazuki girls not sob daily? Things were always so impossibly hard, how could they not weep from the pain of it all? It confused Sana, who found herself weak because of the way she cried so frequently.
A sound resonated off hallway of the boarding house, causing Sana to bite her lip hard to fight back the tears. She didn't want anyone who might be home to find her crying in the living room. Normally she was more careful that that — normally she only allowed her tears to fall when she was locked up in her room. But the pain of the recent events dug into her like talons and she couldn't help the tears that found their way down her reddened cheeks.
Mifuyu hadn't planned on running into any of her roommates. Unlike Yachiyo, who was often busy during the day with either uni or work, Mifuyu rarely had things to do throughout the daytime. She was often tasked with things like grocery shopping, cleaning, and other chores around the house. Midday meant that the others were going to be at school, at work, or just out and about.
So when she heard the quiet sniffle from the living area, she started that way to check it out. The sight of Sana sitting at the table, head down and hand over her face, made Mifuyu concerned.
The older girl walked down the steps and spoke out to Sana in a soft tone, "Sana-chan? Are you alright?"
Sana wiped her face and looked up at Mifuyu, "Ah, um, yeah, I'm just..." Sana struggled to speak clearly, her tone obviously showing that she had been crying.
"Is something the matter? Has something happened?" Mifuyu asked as she moved nearer to Sana and sat down at the table next to the younger girl. "You look upset."
It was like the question alone broke the dam and Sana began crying again. She covered her face and turned away. "I-I..." She couldn't get the words out through her tears.
Mifuyu frowned and put a hand on Sana's shoulder. She leaned close to the crying girl, trying to give her some symbol of comfort.
Sana couldn't stop her tears. Now that Mifuyu was there, it was like a stopper had been pulled or something. All of the stress and upset Sana had been going through all was so much and it was catching up to her. After Mifuyu touched her, Sana shifted and pulled the older girl into a hug. She held onto Mifuyu like she was a lifeline while she cried.
Mifuyu was slightly surprised when Sana hugged her — the two weren't very close. She wrapped her arms around the trembling girl and rubbed her back soothingly. "It'll be okay..." she spoke, her voice soft. Maybe she shouldn't say that when she didn't actually know just what Sana was crying about but she didn't want to seem completely useless at comforting her.
Sana clung to Mifuyu and cried for what felt like forever. Her tears just kept coming, even though Sana tried to stop them. She held onto Mifuyu's shirt as she sobbed, trying to refrain from pressing her messy face into Mifuyu's shoulder.
After a long while, Sana's crying waned until she was just hiccuping and occasionally gasping. She pulled herself away from Mifuyu slowly, rubbing at her face as if that would cover just how red her eyes had become from all of the tears.
"I'm sorry..." Sana said, her voice barely above a whisper. She moved away from Mifuyu and stared at her tea, which had been steeping way too long and probably cooled down too. "I... was thinking about Ai, mostly... other things too, but..."
Mifuyu couldn't help the concerned look she gave Sana. She knew that these kinds of things shouldn't just fester… Mifuyu had grown used to pushing herself until her Doppel was released, simply since that was how she coped and handled being a part of the whole Magius organization. But that wasn't something magical girls could take advantage of like they had in the past. The way that Sana cried and tried to cover up that she was emotional made Mifuyu concerned that maybe Sana too had gotten used to using her Doppel almost as a way to release those feelings. How could Mifuyu ask about something like that, though?
A few moments of awkward silence passed before Mifuyu cleared her throat a little and spoke, "How long have things been like this?" She decided to ease into it.
Sana shook her head a little, "I… I cry a lot…" Sana said quietly as she stirred the cold tea just as something to do with her hands. "But ever since that experiment… Things have been harder."
Mifuyu frowned, "I can only imagine…" Mifuyu had her own set of trauma and struggle. She often had breakdowns over her mortality and the weakening of her powers. Often she turned to the sake in the cupboard when she began feeling like that, as a way to prevent herself from wandering out like she had the night she had joined the Magius. She also was more vocal with Yachiyo about it, trying her best not to lock it all away. It was scary for her to see herself in Sana, as the girl had obviously been holding this in since that experiment at least.
"I'm fine though. I-I'll get through it. I somehow always do." Sana spoke, staring down at the cycloning water in her cup.
Mifuyu glanced down at her tea before looking back up at her face. "But what if it gets too hard? You know you can talk with any of us. We may not have the same set of problems, but we're all magical girls here."
Sana let out a small hum as she stopped messing with her tea and turned her hand to look at the insides of her wrists. "I have ways to cope, if things get too hard…" She stated, muttering. After a moment she let out a sigh and put her scarred wrists to her sides and leaned on her hands. "I… I feel like it's unfair to put any of this on anyone else… Even now, I'm sorry you've seen me like this."
The frown Mifuyu had had only deepened at such an ominous idea Sana had in mind for coping. "It's more unfair to us if you hurt yourself rather than talk to us."
The younger girl looked away for a moment and sighed. "I suppose."
Mifuyu leaned close to Sana before pulling her into another hug. "If anything, you can talk to me… I have my own vices, but I'm a great listener."
"But what if I said something that caused you to hurt yourself? Th-that isn't fair." Sana said in a whisper, not raising her arms to hug Mifuyu back.
"If I feel like drinking, I can try to talk with Yacchan." Mifuyu said as she tightened her hug just a little. "I… Don't like seeing anyone hurting. I want you to know that you don't have to be alone. That's why you're so upset over everything that happened with Ai, right?" The older girl pulled away after saying that so she could look Sana in her emerald eyes. "You've not really told me the whole story, but I've pieced it together — from Yacchan's Rumour files to what I had overheard being in the place I was at the Magius." She continued, shifting slightly, "You were completely isolated before you found yourself trapped in Ai's labyrinth."
Sana nodded slowly, feeling her eyes begin to tear up again. She bit her lip and spoke quietly. "I-I wished to disappear. I had no friends, no family to care where I'd gone. When I wished that, I became invisible. It wasn't that different from what I'd lived through… But it became harder and harder as the days went on."
Mifuyu gave Sana a sympathetic look. "I can't imagine what that must feel like…"
"When I met Ai, it was like my world changed though. She could see me. She spoke to me. I wasn't invisible in this world with Ai." Sana spoke, her tone shifted to something of fondness before she let out a sigh. "But then Ai started wanting me to leave. She had good motives behind it, but I didn't want to go. I had a friend. I had something I didn't truly understand until being with Ai…
"Then she started crying out for help for me. She managed to contact Iroha-san with radio waves… I was so upset. I didn't want to be saved. I was perfectly content with Ai. She wanted to save me from myself, and I know that she did what was best for me… Things changed for me after that because I came here… And it's good here. I have people who care for me, obviously," Sana gestured to Mifuyu, "But… I can't go back to Ai. That option isn't there anymore. And that's very difficult for me."
Mifuyu let out a small hum once Sana finished explaining herself. "This.. may sound odd, but I think I understand."
Sana raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"
"I broke something very special when I left and joined the Magius. I was terrified of living when I first joined. I was terrified of living because I was scared of death. After seeing Kanae die and Meru become a witch… The fear of what was going to happen to me overtook me." Mifuyu said softly. "I decided that if it were my fate to die by being killed by a witch or becoming one, then so be it. I left this house feeling almost certain I was going to die that night."
"And then you found the Magius?"
"Then I discovered what a Doppel was." Mifuyu corrected before continuing. "I collapsed. I was sure I was dead. Things get blurry from here, for a moment. I met Touka after this… And that was when I joined the Magius. But… I left Yacchan behind. She and I were close — I know that she has mentioned this a lot. We were very close. I ruined that, and I ended up ruining a part of Yacchan too, when I made that decision." Mifuyu sighed and shook her head a little, "If I had just gone to Yacchan that night, or even Momoko or Tsuruno… But I didn't. I hurt everyone because I decided to keep that pain inside. I can promise you that any one of those girls would have happily helped me hold my burden rather than the outcome that played out."
Sana stayed quiet for what felt like too long before she sighed softly. "I'm just so scared of being rejected again…"
"I'm not rejecting you."
"I know… It's… irrational, I guess." Sana muttered quietly. She stared down at her tea again, trying to think of what she wanted to say. "Are you scared I'm going to be like you?"
Mifuyu nodded, "Exactly. Walling yourself off may only result in something that neither you nor anyone around you wants to see."
Sana let out a hum before she shifted to stand. "Okay. I… I will try to be more open from now on… But for right now, I think I'm going to make another cup of tea and then head off to bed for a nap… I'm so tired."
The older magical girl also stood up before picking up Sana's cup for her. "What tea were you drinking? I'll bring it up to you."
"I couldn't ask you to do that for me." Sana said, her brows furrowed behind her straight bangs.
Mifuyu shook her head a little, "It's not a bother at all. Rest. You need it after everything you let off of you chest."
Sana hesitated before she nodded just barely. "O-okay. And, um, Mifuyu-san?"
"Hmm?" She responded, already walking her way into the kitchen.
"Thank you." Sana said, giving Mifuyu a small smile.
"Anytime, Sana-chan."