Hi, there. Remember me?
This is one of those pieces that has been in my notes for ages-I would jot down scenes or ideas and eventually decided to just make it happen. I wrote and wrote and wrote until my Word document reached something like 40 pages. It is loosely inspired by Head Above Water by Avril Lavigne.
Its not perfect, but it's out there. Please be kind.
Content warning for mental illness.
"Maura? Maura? Dr. Isles?"
She could count on one hand the number of times she had felt like this. Felt like her head was submerged under water and the world around her was impossible to understand. Hope's harsh abandonment, Jane's shooting of her biological father, the positive pregnancy test once held in Jane's hands. All brought her the same suffocating panic that coursed through her at this moment.
"Did you hear what I said?"
For months Maura had been treading water, keeping her head above water just barely enough to survive. But there were days where she felt engulfed by the pain and her entire body was submerged, unable to reach the surface.
"Maura."
The voice calling her name sounded muffled. Her eyes stared at the portrait on the wall yet the subject was muddled and out of focus. The silk fabric of her blouse suddenly felt too tight and suffocating.
"Yes, sorry. Dysthymic disorder. I heard."
"I'm assuming you're familiar with it?"
"It's a type of mood disorder where, if on a scale of 1-10 most people's average mood rests at a 5, my mood tends to rest at a 1 or 2," Maura replied.
"in a nutshell, yes," the doctor replied. "It is a chronic, low grade depression."
The other woman's voice sill sounded muffled, above the surface of the water the blonde swore she could feel around her.
"And treatment? I'm would imagine an SSRI to begin with would be most appropriate.
"Yes. Though dysthymia can be genetic I am hopeful yours is more situational in nature. A response to the many traumas and changes you've endured. With the right treatment, I'm almost certain we'll be able to toss you a life ring and get you back to where you should be."
Maura nodded, giving the woman in front of her a pained smile. The dark haired woman was one of the best psychiatrists in the greater Boston area, and one that Maura would have considered a colleague had she not found herself sitting in an overstuffed chair across from her.
"I'll send the prescription to your pharmacy now and it should be available to collect by this afternoon. We'll start slow with a low dose of sertraline taken once a day. See how you get on and in a month we'll touch base. Does that sound like a plan?"
"Yes, of course," Maura smiled. "I'll see you in a month."
And with that, Maura swiftly collected her purse and slipped from the warm office onto the chilly autumn streets of Boston.
Maura sighed heavily as the elevator doors slid shut and she began the descent into her lab. The psychiatrist hadn't told her anything she didn't already suspect but the news wasn't made any easier by the fact. She thought she would be able to handle the life events that had happened to her, but the exhaustion had finally started to creep into her work, causing her to seek out her lunch time professional assistance.
"Sup, doc?"
The elevator doors opened to reveal Jane, half a baby carrot in her hand while she chewed the other half with a grin on her face.
"I came down to see if you wanted lunch, but you weren't here. So I snuck some carrots from the dead people fridge to tide me over until I found you."
"Never thought I'd live to see the day that Jane Rizzoli would willingly eat a vegetable that wasn't a pickle on a burger," Maura laughed as she began to walk with Jane through the morgue towards her office.
"Proud of me?"
"Very much so."
A few strides later and the women made it to Maura's office, deft fingers unlocking the door and granting the women access.
"Did you get called out somewhere?" Jane asked as she sunk onto Maura's couch.
"No, not today," came the reply.
Jane watched as her best friend hung her coat up on the rack before making her way to her desk, her movements slow and deliberate.
"Did you eat? Ma switched her days off so she's up in the café and ready to whip us up some bunny pancakes," Jane suggested.
"I haven't eaten lunch yet," Maura admitted. "I was actually at a medical appointment."
"Oh. Is everything okay? You shoulda told me, I would've taken some time off to drive you."
For a brief moment, Jane thought she saw panic in Maura's eyes. But the blonde quickly dropped her head into her hands and began to run fingers through her hair.
"No. I mean, yes, everything is fine. It was actually within walking distance so I consider it my cardiovascular exercise for the day," Maura explained.
"If you say so," Jane said. "You know I just worry about you."
"I know you do. And I appreciate it, I really do," the blond smiled as she looked up towards Jane. "I promise that if anything was seriously wrong, I would tell you."
"And if things weren't seriously wrong, but just a little bit wrong? Would you tell me then?"
"Jane…"
"Look, I'm not my ma. I'm not gonna try to guilt trip you into telling me things or make you feel like you have to share with me, okay? I just…I want you to know that I'm here. For the major league things in your life and the minor league things."
"I know, Jane," Maura said softly as she stood up and made her way to the couch. "And I hope you know how much I appreciate that."
"Just doing my job," Jane smiled, nudging Maura's foot with her own. "So you wanna get those bunny pancakes or…?"
"Maybe I could get them to-go. It's been a long day already and I'd really like some peace and quiet in my office."
"Yeah, of course. I'll bring some down for you. But Maura…are you sure everything is fine? You just haven't really seemed like yourself lately. Little things seem off."
"Jane…"
"No, look, I'm not prying. I promise," the detective interrupted. She leaned forward, elbows resting on her knees as she placed her hands palm up towards the doctor. "I trust you. I know you'll tell me the things I need to know. But you've just seemed different lately."
"Different how?"
"I dunno. Just different. Like instead of finding things easy-peasy you seem like you're exhausted or like you have to think about every single thing before you do it," Jane shrugged. "Like you're carrying something huge around and constantly looking for a place to rest."
"A lot has happened over the past few years," Maura admitted.
Maura thought admitting it out loud to Jane would help. Would ease the ever present swirling in her brain. But the opposite seemed to happen. As soon as the words left her mouth, Maura couldn't help but clench her eyes shut at the tidal wave that began to assault her mind. Her head was spinning and her throat felt tight as she fought to keep her head above water. She could feel the world around her slowly grow muffled—no clanking of metal instruments in the morgue or ticking of her office clock or tech shoes squeaking as they made their way through the lab.
Just as quickly as the tidal wave came, it receeded. As Maura felt a callused hand gently grasp her own, it was like a plug had been pulled and she was able to finally catch her breath.
"You're not okay, Maura. I can see it," Jane whispered.
Hazel eyes opened slowly to meet concerned brown eyes. The blonde shook her head gently side to side, a sad smile on her face.
"No, I'm not. But I will be."