Friday January 14, 2022

The January wind bites as it hits his cheeks, he's standing outside Madison Square Garden waiting for somebody to come pick him up. He'd offered to walk home but Elliot had told him no and he'd huffed in annoyance at the older man, but then she jumped in her soft voice circumventing the impending fight offered to come get him.

He and Elliot don't talk anymore.

He fights the man about everything now.

He stopped calling him dad almost a month ago, Christmas Day to be exact, when a verbal fight with Dickie almost turned physical. Liv and Noah had been there, the young boy watching in fear as his Dickie advanced on him before Elliot interceded, his voice low and deadly as he stared his oldest son down in the middle of Mo's family room. The two of them had gone outside then and despite Maureen's brick home and Liv's desperate attempts to divert their attention, he'd heard every insult his older brother threw his way.

He's ruined their life, has ruined the memory of their mother, all because he wanted to apply for a summer internship with the NYPD.

His half-siblings hate him.

His real dad hates him, can't even bear to watch a Capitals vs. Rangers game with him.

He hates himself.

Now he fights with the only father he's ever known.

A black Ford SUV pulls up and he pushes up from the bench to approach her car, climbing inside quietly, "Thanks."

"How was it?" Her voice is soft like she already knows, it isn't even the end of the first period yet.

"He had to work." He stares out the window, tears burn his eyes.

Liv reaches across the center console to grab his hand, "I'm sorry, Eli."

"He doesn't want a relationship with me, does he?" His head spins to look at her, his eyes are red, "I share half his DNA and tonight he told me that he's too busy to sit on the sidelines at some JV soccer game, he doesn't even care that I play Varsity."

"Sometimes there's a difference between a father and a dad, Eli. You have a shitty father," she squeezes his hand and he watches her as she drives away from loud crowd packed inside Madison Square Garden, "I understand that probably better than anyone. I understand how you feel this…unexplainable need to have a connection with Dean, but honest to God that man doesn't deserve you, Eli. You have a dad who loves you, who is so proud of your accomplishments that he's convinced Fin to come and watch you play next weekend on his weekend off."

"How do you know?"

Her phone rings and Elliot's name pops up on the screen Eli sighs, bowing his head, but he looks up a moment later when he doesn't hear the man's voice through the Bluetooth. She has the phone pressed against her ear as she pulls off to the side of the street, he listens to the one-sided conversation, "He's alright, El. Not yet…I think…"

"He needs someone to talk to, Liv…ca…can you try?"

The man sounds broken.

Eli did that.

He's broken the man just months after the man finally began to move past his demons.

Eli broke the man who raised him.

Liv pulls her hand away from his and it settles on the back of his neck, comfortingly, nobody has ever done this for him before. "I'll try okay? Is Noah…yeah…he can stay up if he wants to wait for us…he'll have to ask Eli 'bout that though…tell him I won't say anything and we'll…yeah we won't be long."

She hangs up a moment later.

"Why are we parked here?"

"Cause I wanna show you something come on," she turns off the SUV and steps out, he follows after her silently. Her arm wraps around his shoulder, protective. "You asked how I knew what it felt like," he nods helplessly, she leads him down five steps to the street level apartment. She pulls a key from her pocket and slides it into the lock the door opens immediately, "Come on."

"Can we be here? Isn't this like…breaking and entering or something?"

Her grin is immediate as she holds the door open for him, "You're gonna make a good intern for the NYPD, Eli." His head bows, nobody's brought up that stupid internship since Christmas and Liv's face immediately falls, "Eli—"

"It's fine."

"No, it isn't. I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that," her hand squeezes his, "Your dad—" his face twists, "Your dad, Eli. Not your father, your dad is proud of you for applying to that internship. We're both proud of you."

"None of my siblings think I should do it. Dickie still thinks it's stupid, Lizzie thinks I'm trying to make myself into someone I'm not, and Mo and Katie are worried that it's gonna make everything worse for me."

"What do you want?"

"Just wanna see who I am besides what I've always been."

"If you decide to do it, do it for yourself, Eli." She squeezes his hand again and this tilts her head again toward the inside of the apartment, "Come on, let's get out of this wind."

She closes the door behind them flipping the switch for the in the vacant apartment and he looks at the stained carpeting, and the cracked walls. "Why are we here? How do you have a key to this place?"

"This is where I grew up. I wish I could say that the place looked better fifty years ago but it didn't," she moves further into the apartment, "My room was back here." He follows her silently as she gives a tour of her first home, "We didn't have much. Mainly cause my mom refused to buy me much but my bed was against that wall," she points to the far wall, "Had a dresser but otherwise it was pretty bare."

"What about toys?"

Eli has never known what it was like to want for anything and based off the vast array of video games and Lego at her place, neither has Noah. That doesn't seem to be her childhood experience from the looks of this apartment.

"An older woman upstairs used to let me have the dolls that her grand-daughters didn't want anymore," she smiles at him sadly as they move back out of the room. "My mom's bedroom was in there," she points, "You can go in there if you want but I can't without uh…she used to get sick in there a lot and I'd have to clean it up." Her voice drops as her shoulders lift helplessly, "I can still smell it so I just…" she pushes a hand though her hair, and he's realized it's a thing she does when she's uncomfortable, "If you wanna see it—"

"I'm good," he whispers softly.

There's a bitter laugh that bounces off the walls of the hollow apartment, "Yeah, good choice. My mom was an alcoholic, Eli. When the booze ran dry or I was being a pain in the ass…which according to her was always, she'd use me as a punching bag, I was the bastard who ruined her life after all."

"Why?"

Her hand runs over her face, "Your father may kill me for this—"

"I don't think my father would care, my dad may though," his voice is light and playful, breaking through the seriousness of the last hour, "Hey you drew the line for me, I'm just following your guidelines."

Liv laughs softly shaking her head, "You really are your dad's kid, smartass and everything. Your dad may kill me for this," she looks at him pointedly, before her contorts with pain, "My mom got attacked one night walking home from where the library. She'd been studying there late so she took this shortcut, got attacked," her voice is void of any emotion, just the cold hard facts, "Nine months later I came along." She pauses for a moment lets him fill in the blanks, draw his own conclusions, she's kept it PG-13 and yet he still sees the hurt flash in her eyes, "Half my genes are violent and the other half are drunk."

You have a shitty father…I understand that probably better than anyone.

That's what she had told him when he finally let himself ask the question that he's been speculating about for the past month. He's met Dean three times in the past month and each time it became more apparent that Dean's disinterest wasn't from nerves, his father wasn't interested in him and that realization hurt.

The realization hurt almost as much as when he'd been told the news just after Thanksgiving.

Liv had been there then too. She'd stayed in the kitchen while Elliot had stepped into his room so they could talk privately. It was after midnight when she had knocked on his door, he'd pretended to be asleep even thought they all knew he wasn't, she'd asked quietly if he wanted to talk, he blew her off. Except here she was again, reaching out again for him and this time she was opening up about her own struggles.

"Did they ever catch him?"

"No. I did find out who he was though," he glances up at her in surprise. "I found out he had a son…and suddenly I had this shot, a real shot at having a real family. I'd never had one of those before, Eli, but suddenly I was imagining birthdays and sitting in horrible traffic cause I finally had somewhere to go on Thanksgiving and Christmas," she laughs softly.

"But Katie told me—"

She nods like she knows what he's going to say, and he stops waiting, "Your dad used to invite me. I'd always declined I used to think it was just him being nice, feeling bad for me," her voice is drenched in regret, "I used to think he pitied me. Anyways, I was finally getting a shot at this learning what it'd be like to have a family, I changed my emergency contact at work from your dad to him."

"What happened?"

Liv looks up at him and he can see the tears shining bright in her eyes, "I almost lost…everything," rough and low. "I understand that…that need, that craving desire to be accepted and loved by your DNA it's a natural desire, if anyone should love you surely it should be your biological father, your biological family, right?" It's a rhetorical question but Eli still nods and his shoulders shake just barely, she squeezes his upper arms, hard but comforting, "He isn't worth it, Eli."

"I thought it'd be like…I thought Dean and I could be like…" he can't say the word, he's spent the last month pushing his dad away, pushing her away and now he struggles to say the word, dad.

"Your dad tried to tell me this when I was ready to ruin everything for my brother, so I could say that I finally had a family. I wasn't ready to listen right away but your dad," she shakes her head, smirking at him, "He's persistent—"

"I've called him horrible things though, Liv. I've said he…I haven't called him dad in a month," he knows she knows this, has heard the conversations that Elliot has had with her while he thought the teen was asleep, "I keep hurting him."

"I know, Eli. I did that too, I tried to hurt him as much as I was hurting on the inside, I told him that he was jealous of me because I finally had the shot at a family, while he was about to lose his. I thought he was angry that I wouldn't need him anymore, that there would be another man who I could lean on, confide in," she stares down at the stained carpeting, "He was right though. It wasn't worth risking my career, my livelihood for someone who didn't even care that I was taking the risk."

"I'm scared he's gonna say he can't see past it, can't see past the DNA," he mutters and his eyes plead with hers. "I just don't wanna get left, Liv. I thought that if Dean and I could…if he could love me then it wouldn't matter cause I'd have him…I'd have Dean. I don't think he cares if he ever sees me again and if dad ever—" he sucks in a breath as tears fill his eyes, the fear from the past month, month and a half really is finally coming out.

Liv pulls him in for a hug and breathes in her warm scent, different from his mother's but just as soothing, "You're not gonna get left, but you have to stop this though. You're hurting yourself for a man who isn't worth it, and if he has his head so far up his ass that he can't see what an amazing kid you are then that's his loss not yours. You have a dad," she pulls him away slightly to grip his shoulders staring into his eyes, brown on brown, "He isn't perfect, but he loves you Eli. If there's one thing that your dad doesn't give a shit about its DNA, and nothing you say or do is gonna change that for him, okay?"

Eli wraps his arms around her waist, burying his face into her shoulder her NYPD sweatshirt is soft against his cheek and he feels her arms wrap around him tight, securing him against her. He's the first to move a few minutes later when his tears have finally slowed and his sobs have subsided, his voice is still raspy though and drenched with emotion, "Can we go?"

"Yeah," her arm wraps around his shoulders again as they close the door on the past.

They're driving back to her place when he finally decides to break the silence, "Can we get pizza?"

Her laugh is immediate, "You and Noah are too alike for your own good, yes we can and I think Noah is planning on asking you to watch Harry Potter again."

"Cool. You think I can convince him to watch Prisoner of Azkaban this time?

"I think he'd watch paint dry if you said it was fun," they laugh at the younger boy's well-known infatuation with Eli.

Elliot meets them at the door and Liv sidesteps him taking the box of breadsticks from Eli before she moves further into her home greeting her son with a hug and kiss. She convinces him to help her get out the plates for their late dinner and then they work to begin setting up the DVD player for their late-night movie night.

Brown eyes stare into blue, the teen breaks the silence first, "I'm—"

"Are you alright?" The other man's voice is guttural like there's a knot in the back of his throat and he's desperately trying to stay in control.

"Yeah, Liv helped me understand a few things." Elliot's hand settles on the back of his neck, squeezing comfortingly, and Eli wonders which one taught the other this particular form of affection, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…dad."

The older man pulls him towards him again, hugging him hard as he presses his lips into the side of his boy's head, "I love you, Eli," his voice is packed with raw emotion.

"I love you too."

They pull away a moment later, their eyes red-rimmed. Eli doesn't miss how his dad moves from him to the woman who has now saved both of them from their demons, and he hugs her hard.

The adults eat in the kitchen while the boys eat in front of the TV watching "The Prisoner of Azkaban," the younger boy hasn't seen it before and his eyes are glued to the TV.

"Want another piece?" Noah nods, reaching for the remote but Eli shakes his head, "I'll get it."

He's walking towards the kitchen when he can't help but listen to their whispered conversation, they're just out of sight at the kitchen table. Liv hadn't told him but he knew she was going fill his dad in on their conversation, he knows because he's heard his dad do the same thing with her when they offer to take Noah for a day or a night.

He hears Liv tell his dad, "I told him about my father…" his dad's face must twist because she rushes to finish, "A PG-13 version of it anyways…I thought…" her voice drops then a bit desperate, desperate for his dad to understand.

Eli is just about to say something, defend this woman who opened old wounds for him, but his dad speaks before he can formulate a thought, "I know. I just wish you didn't have to," her face must twist because his dad sighs, "It's still a wound that has never fully healed and I'm sor—" his dad looks up as Eli turns the corner, "What's wrong?"

"Noah and I wanted another slice?"

Liv goes to jump up but his dad squeezes her hand tells her he's got it and he grabs Eli's plate before he crosses the kitchen to where they've set up the boxes, "Breadsticks too?"

"Yeah."

Liv won't meet his eyes, like his sudden appearance in the kitchen during their very private conversation has rendered her vulnerable and awkward. He glances into his dad's blue eyes as he hands him the plate of food, whispering softly, "Sorry for interrup—"

"You didn't." His dad replies softly, his body effectively blocking Eli's view of Liv, "Enjoy the movie and we'll be in soon, okay?"

Eli nods.

As he walks away, he hears the kitchen chair move quietly against the kitchen floor and a moment later there's a muffled sob, he doesn't have to look to know that her face is pressed into his dad's solid body. He sits beside Noah on the couch the younger boy leaning against him as they watch the movie and he realizes that maybe his dad is right.

Maybe DNA is a load of shit.