As I said in the latest chapter of 'Claw, Horn and Fang', I'm taking a break from long, multi arch stories to focus on some shorter pieces I've been thinking about for a while now. Anyway, Adventure Time is the property of Cartoon Network. Enjoy.
Bite the Bullet: Chapter 1
It was around 7:30 in the evening and Marceline was laying on her new bed and staring up at the ceiling. The last few weeks had been… interesting to say the least, and to be perfectly honest, the Vampire Queen was still struggling to process it all. I mean, how could something that was supposed to be so simple escalate into this whole big thing that completely reshaped the pecking order of Ooo?
But alas, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let's rewind things just a little bit.
The trouble began about six weeks ago in the Candy Kingdom. As you may or may not have seen on the local news, a few years back, a gang of thieves pulled off a daring daylight robbery of the Kingdom's most heavily guarded treasure; the Baker's Shard, largest and purest sugar crystal in all the known world. The Shard was quickly recovered by the Banana Guards, but not before one of the cagey crooks tried to dispose of the evidence by swallowing said Shard; seriously jacking up his teeth and the lining of his esophagus.
All's well that ends well, right?
Well, not exactly.
You see, what no one knew at the time was that Tiffany's tainted chompers left a series of imperceptible impurities on the crystal and that over the next few years those impurities slowly spread throughout its delicate structure, until it finally crumbled into a pile of worthless, sweet-smelling dust.
But why, you ask, as well you should, does this matter?
What possible difference could it make to anybody if some random giant sugar crystal suddenly crumbled to dust?
Well, dear readers, it's like this. The Baker's Shard, that giant chunk of sugar I mentioned before, is, or rather was, the standard upon which all currency in the Candy Kingdom is based on, and without it stored high and dry in the treasury, all the money in the kingdom is worthless.
See the problem now?
Good.
Anyway, knowing that the Candy People were an excitable lot and that news of an impending economic collapse might send them into a chaotic frenzy, PB chose to keep this all on a need to know basis and shared the intel only with those closest to her; specifically Finn, Jake, Peppermint Butler and the Vampire Queen herself.
XXX
"Thanks for coming, everyone." Bubblegum said politely as she welcomed her guests into her parlor/war room. "I know you've all got your own stuff going on, and it means a lot to me that you could all be here in my hour of need."
"Don't sweat it, Peebles. We got your back." Said Finn reassuringly.
"Right on." Added Jake enthusiastically.
"We're all here for you, Bonnie." Said Marceline sympathetically. "So what's the deal? Your message was a little vague. Just how serious is this?"
"Excellent question, Marceline. And to answer it, I will now turn the floor over to Peppermint Butler. Pep-But, if you would."
"Thank you, M'Lady." Said the little candy man as he took centerstage with a clipboard in hand. "Ladies and Gentlemen, after carefully reviewing all of the facts and consulting with several old acquaintances from the Nightosphere, I can say with the utmost confidence that we are totally hosed. Without the Baker's Shard all our money is worthless, so we're essentially flat broke. In fact, Her Highness still hasn't reimbursed Wildberry Princess for last week's emergency pizza party, so we're actually flatter than flat broke."
"Thank you, Peppermint Butler." Said PB, retaking the reins. "I will now open the floor to questions and suggestions. Finn, I see your hand up."
"Yeah, do you even really need the Baker's Shard? I mean, don't you have like a giant horde of gold and jewels around here somewhere?" the young human pointed out. "Also, doesn't everyone just recycle money from before the Mushroom War. Nobody really prints their own money anymore. Heck, some places use a barter system."
"Yeah, I've never really been clear on how money works in our world." Added Jake.
"Look, the economy of Ooo is very complicated and hard to explain, especially to you two, no offense, but short version, yes, I do need it. In fact, every kingdom and township has to have something rare and valuable in their treasury to serve as a standard of value, otherwise all transactions within their borders are invalid. Which will be the least of our problems once the Candy People find out and start to panic. So can we please stay on topic long enough for one of us to think of a way out of this flipping mess!"
"Whoa. Chill out, Bonnie. It's gonna be okay." Said the Vampire Queen as she floated over to put a sympathetic arm around the pink princess' shoulder. "Now, why can't you just whip up another one in your lab?"
"Because I didn't 'whip up' the first one, I found it." She admitted. "The Baker's Shard was a small piece of a sucrose based meteor that collided with Ooo over 500 years ago. I just happened to stumble upon it during the early days of the Candy Kingdom. It was an almost perfect sugar crystal, right down to the core. That level of purity takes millions of years to form and only under a very specific set of conditions. Even in a controlled environment like my lab and working with the most advanced scientific equipment, it would still take me at least three years to produce a suitable replacement, and that's time we just don't have."
"So what's the plan, PB? We gonna try to hunt down another chunk of thar meteor?" asked Finn, his tone suggesting that he was trying to lighten up the mood.
"That's one option, yes. I've already sent out a swarm of drones to scan every corner of Ooo and alert me if they find an identical shard, but after 500 years the odds are slim. So we're gonna have to go with Plan B. Peps, I'll let you take it from here."
With that said, PB stepped aside and let her diminutive manservant take the stage again.
"Thank you, Your Majesty." He said as he pulled out a large and decidedly evil looking tome for all to see. "Ahem. Beyond the Valley of Dragons and just south of the Lagoon of Flesh-Eating Piranha Maidens, there sits the Pan-Dimensional Omni-Maze of Utnapishtim, which no adventurer has ever entered without being driven completely insane. And at the center of the maze, there sits a gateway to the horrifying dimension known as the Dark Metropolis. And in the heart of this forsaken city, guarded by an army of the undead and a giant eight-headed serpent with napalm for blood and venom that can melt through steel, is the Sacred Cacao Tree of Quatzequatel; a single seed pod from which is said to be worth more than ten Baker's Shards. Now I won't lie to you, retrieving one of those pods won't be easy. In fact, I highly suspect that two of you won't make it back alive. But the fate of the Candy Kingdom is at stake, and sacrifices must be made in order to…"
Beep-Beep
Beep-Beep
Beep-Beep
Went the unmistakable yet irritating cry of Princess Bubblegum's wrist-mounted minicomputer.
"Never mind, Peps. It looks like one of the drones found something." She said casually; causing both her manservant and the two professional adventurers to grumble in disappointment.
Marceline, on the other hand, was quite relieved. While she enjoyed high stakes adventures as much as the next girl, an expedition like the one Pep-But described might take weeks or even months; which was time the Candy Kingdom didn't have. So in this case, for Bonnie's sake, she was grateful for a quick and easy resolution.
XXX
And that's certainly what it felt like at the time.
A quick and easy resolution.
For as it turns out, the drones had beaten the odds and found exactly what the Princess was looking for. Another fragment of the sucrose meteor; almost exactly the same size, mass and quality of the original. The perfect replacement for the Baker's Shard.
The only hiccup was that said fragment just happened to be about half a mile underground. Directly beneath the Breakfast Kingdom out in the desert, to be more precise. Evidently, the large crater in which the kingdom sat had been created by the sucrose meteor when it struck the Earth over five centuries ago. And since the shard was buried beneath the Breakfast Kingdom, it was technically the property of its ruler, Breakfast Princess. And while it would have been well within PB's means to simply tunnel under and take the meteor fragment without the other princess' knowledge, such an act could come back to bite her if the truth ever came out. So she decided to do this all nice and legal.
After quadruple checking the data from her drones to make sure it wasn't a mistake, Bonnie sent a Private Princess to Princess Priority Message, or PPPPM for short, to Breakfast Princess, explaining the crisis her kingdom was facing and telling her that she could name her price for the replacement Baker's Shard. Normally, the rationally minded princess would've been a lot more careful with this kind of negotiation, but she was in a bind and she needed that meteor fragment as soon as possible. Besides, the Candy Kingdom and Breakfast Kingdom were on good terms, so she didn't expect any unreasonable demands.
About three and a half days later, Breakfast Princess faxed over her terms, and that's when the trouble really started.
XXX
It was a dull and dreary Tuesday afternoon and since she had nothing of any particular interest to do on her own, Marceline decided to pop in on Bonnie and see how she was handling her latest crisis. But alas, when she got there, she found that she was still sequestering herself in her lab; presumably to stay close to her fax machine in case Breakfast Princess sent over her reply. So the Vampire Queen resigned herself to simply loitering around the sitting room and entertaining herself in any way she could find.
'Ugh. This pen smells awful.' She thought to herself as she continued to sniff the tip of an old fountain pen as she floated in midair. 'Then why am I still smelling it? Glob, this is so boring. Maybe I should just go see what Finn and Jake are doing?'
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!" exclaimed Princess Bubblegum in a voice so loud that it shook the walls from several rooms away.
A few moments later, she stormed into the sitting room, looking quite cross.
"Bonnie, what's the matter?" Marceline asked concernedly, but PB paid her no mind. Instead she just marched on over to the holo-communicator on the far side of the room, and after forcing herself to calm down, she typed in the requisite numbers and waited for someone on the other end to pick up.
Fortunately, she didn't have to wait long. For a few second later, the screen on top projected a three-dimensional cube, in which displayed the image of Breakfast Princess as well as the room behind her.
"Ah, Princess Bubblegum. I thought I'd be hearing from you." Said the princess on the hologram in that snobbish, valley girl accent she was known for. "Did you have a chance to read over the contract I sent you?"
"Yeah, I read it. I read it six times just to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?"
"Princess Bubblegum, I assure you, I never joke when it comes to matters of state."
"Then you're out of your mind! Do you seriously expect me to forfeit my rights as a monarch and declare my kingdom a protectorate of yours?"
'What?' Marceline thought to herself confusedly. 'That's what she's asking for?'
"It's really not that unreasonable." Breakfast Princess replied casually. "Under this agreement, you'll still retain your title of Princess and you'll still be able to enforce your own policies."
"Yeah, but if I wanna change any policies, or do anything in my lab more exciting than a high school science project, I have to get your written permission first. And what's with this twelve page list of dos and don'ts?"
"Okay, I might've gotten a little carried away with the No-No List, but none of the individual rules are all that unreasonable. Besides, it's not like this is a permanent thing. The contract does expire."
"In 250 years!"
"It's not 250 years. The contract clearly states that it's only valid for myself and the next seven generations of my family."
"That is 250 years!"
"Oh… well, regardless, as long as you follow the rules everything will be fine."
"And if I break even one of them, you can have me forcibly removed from power and replaced by one of your sisters!"
"Or one of my descendants, as the case may be."
"Whatever! I'm not signing this!"
"Well then you're not getting your new Baker's Shard either. You said I could name my price and this is my price. And FYI, I already dug up the crystal thingy and put it in my special vault. And since you're the only other Princess who knows about it, if it goes missing I'll know it was you. So don't even think about it."
"UGH! This is beyond ridiculous! What the junk do you have against me anyway? What did I ever do to you?"
This time, Breakfast Princess didn't respond right away, but from her position, Marceline could tell that she was starting to get rattled. However, the younger Princess managed to regain her composure by doing a couple of quick cleansing breaths before she continued.
"Look, PB, I know what you and some of the other Princesses say about me behind my back." She said in a stern but unnervingly calm voice. "You think that just because I'm short, and talk like this, and like boybands, that I'm some spoiled, pampered little brat, but I'm not. I take my role as Princess very seriously, and ever since I took the throne after the tragic death of my parents, I've been doing my darnedest to take care of my subjects and my little sisters. And unlike your people, mine continue to support me because they choose to of their own freewill, not because they were engineered to in a lab."
"So what? You're trying to hamstring me because I'm more respected than you?"
"Okay, now you're oversimplifying. No, this isn't because I'm feeling underappreciated, it's because you're a menace to society and I'm sick of sitting back and watching you make a mockery of everything a Princess is supposed to stand for."
"Excuse me?"
"There is no excuse for you. Not after all the times your reckless experiments have put all of Ooo at risk." Breakfast Princess said accusingly. "On three nonconsecutive occasions, you have been personally responsible for releasing undead hordes. To say nothing of the near Muffin Apocalypse of last year, and that deranged Candy Sphinx you tried to name as your heir, and the Earl of Lemongrab, whom you refuse to punish or put any restrictions on in spite of his many transgressions."
"Look, I know I'm not perfect, but I hardly think…"
"Not perfect?" BP interrupted. "You are one of the worst examples of a Princess I've ever seen. Your army is a joke, your laws are comparable to rules enforced on preschool children and you have allowed yourself to be removed from power on three nonconsecutive occasions."
"Three? It was only two."
"I'm counting the time with the deer." Breakfast Princess clarified. "But you know something, I could forgive all of that, all of it, if it wasn't for your massive, undeserved ego."
"I beg your flipping pardon?"
"Isn't it true that you nosed your way into planning Tree Trunks' wedding, in spite of her protests for you to stay out of it?"
"Well… yes, technically, I suppose, but…"
"And isn't it also true that you, by means of emotional manipulation, tricked the Ice King into using his powers on the core of the Fire Kingdom, creating a national crisis that endangered thousands of lives, all so you could take advantage of the situation and destroy their stockpile of Fire Giants?"
"H-How did you know about…"
"And let us not forget the hostage situation at the convenience store or that incident in Wizard City; both of which could have been resolved peacefully with a simple display of humility. But oh no, that's too much trouble for the great and powerful Bubblegum."
"Look, I'll admit my methods might be…"
"No, Princess Bubblegum, there's no talking your way out of this. You're an unstable control freak and you need to be reined in. And since no one else is willing to do it, I will. So you can either suck it up and submit to my rules in order to save your people, or you can be stubborn, let your Kingdom collapse, and prove to everyone what I've suspected all along, that you only care about yourself. Good day."
"But…"
"I believe I said good day."
And with that, the other Princess hung up, leaving Bonnie looking confused and distraught.
As her oldest friend, among other things, Marceline wanted desperately to comfort and console her. However, the first words to come out of the Vampire Queen's mouth were,
"Uh… what's this about you using Simon to attack the Fire Kingdom?"
End Notes:
I figure I can wrap this story up in about three or four chapters. After this one is finished I've got three more ideas I want to tackle before I go back to my bigger projects. One is a one-shot sequel to 'Hilda and the Succubus'. Another is a short multichapter story for 101 Dalmatian Street I've had my mind for a while. And the last one is a multichapter prequel to 'Orpheus: The Tale of Marceline' that focuses on Vaggie's early days in Hell. The order may vary depending on my mood. Anyway, thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.
Peace.